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Saga - ST The Rise of the Cat (Hux, Poe, Finn, cats)- Humor

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by gizkaspice, Jul 10, 2020.

  1. gizkaspice

    gizkaspice Jedi Master star 3

    Nov 27, 2013
    Title: The Rise of the Cat (the alternative ending of There is Something in Kylo Ren’s shoe –A Millicent Story.) Because that story was written before The Rise of Skywalker. :D You don't actually have to read it to understand anything here though.
    Author: gizkaspice
    Timeframe: During The Rise of Skywalker
    Characters: General Hux, his cat Millicent, Poe, Finn, Rey, everyone.
    Cats: Millicent (General Hux's ginger tabby cat), Blackie (Kylo Ren's black kitten), Tinny (Phasma's silver kitten)
    Genre: Parody, Comedy
    Canon: It's true, all of it.
    Summary: The Resistance has some unexpected guests and a lot of things happen with cats involved. Someone ends up with a surprise in their shoe (maybe it will be Palpy...[face_thinking].....I'm literally making this up as I go along :p[face_laugh]) No idea how often this will be updated. This is just for fun. Enjoy!

    Chapter 1

    Finn and Poe were still confused why exactly the General of the First Order was helping them escape off the Steadfast to their ship in the hangar bay below. They were just about to escape down to the Millennium Falcon when Hux stopped them.

    “Wait,” he said, pointing to his shoulder. “Blast me in the arm….”

    Finn raised an eyebrow at the suggestion. “What!?

    Hux was silent for a moment as he pondered. “Actually….I’ve changed my mind. Don’t shoot. I’ve decided to come along with you. They will kill me if I stay.”

    Finn raised his blaster and shot him in the leg anyways, sending him to the ground.

    “I said don’t shoot!” hissed Hux annoyingly, sitting up. “DON’T SHOOT. Lousy ex-janitor.”

    “That’s what you get for slapping me in the face and for Millicent leaving surprises in my shoe!” said Finn proudly, crossing his arms across his chest. “I’m in charge now. I’m in charge.”

    Poe glanced around warily as his friend began raising his voice. “Finn…”

    “I’m in charge!!!! I’M IN CHARGE!”

    The pilot slapped him silly. “Finn!”

    Finn returned to reality as he glanced around him worryingly. “Where’s Rey!?”

    “Okay, that’s better,” concluded Poe before turning to Hux. “Now back to you…. Did you just say you want to come with us..? Like, join the Resistance?”

    Hux stood up slowly. “Yes. I’ll prove a valuable asset to take down Kylo Ren. The information I provide will surely help you win the war. And then… I’ll betray you all at the end and start my own cat hat business.”

    “I mean, I think that’s completely expected of you,” said Poe, nodding. "Bring it on."

    “I’ll take my cat with me, Millicent,” announced Hux, picking up the ginger tabby into his arms. He was also sure to take her little officer hat, which had fallen to the ground. “I can’t leave without her.”

    “Okay,” agreed Poe.

    “I’m also taking Captain Phasma’s kitten, Tinny the armored kitty,” said Hux, picking up a small, armored kitten wandering around the hallways. “I’m sure that Phasma is still alive. She’ll return and be my accountant for my cat hat business.”

    “I mean, you’re not wrong,” admitted Finn, knowing that Phasma was like a cockroach. All about survival and all that stuff. But he was terrified of her kitten.

    “Okay,” agreed Poe. “Can we go now?”

    “Wait, wait,” interrupted Hux as he vanished for a brief moment before reappearing pushing a wheelbarrow with cat supplies. “Millicent’s portraits. Her toys. Kitty accessories. The limited-edition cat subscriptions. Don’t forget to subscribe to her newsletter. I also need to inform my personal veterinarian, Dr. Tana, immediately of my change of location."

    “I think he’s nuts,” whispered Poe worryingly to Finn.

    “I think you’re nuts,” whispered Finn back.

    “Is there room on the ship for Millicent's exclusive cat tree?” asked Hux. “Surely it will just take a moment for me to pick that up. Wait here--"

    “That's enough, Hugs. Now shut up and get on the ship before they kill us all,” said Poe, dragging him down into the hangar bay where the ship was.

    Millicent bounced on her special cat trampoline like an orange jellybean as the Millennium Falcon escaped. Finn approached Poe. “Why are you doing this?” He was referring to Hux who was now aboard with them on the ship and was making some sort of weird cat sanctuary…..thing…in the corner.

    “Because it’s the right thing to do,” replied Poe.

    “Dude, it totally isn’t,” protested Finn. “It’s a dumb thing to do and Leia’s gonna get mad and take away our vending machine privileges.”

    “No way,” said Poe. “Hugs is valuable. He’s going to provide secret information to help us win. And Millicent hates Kylo Ren for taking away all her cat rooms and stuff. It’s totally cool."

    “Totally not,” huffed Finn. “And where’s Rey!?”

    “I’m sitting right here,” said Rey, waving.


    “Stop screaming in my ear, Finn! I’m right here,” barked Rey annoyingly, turning to him.

    “Oh, okay,” said Finn. "How are you?"

    "I just learned terrible things about my heritage," said Rey sadly.

    "Meow, meow? Meow, meow, meow," mewed Millicent, comforting her. The orange tabby cat was an expert in evil origins.

    “I have a bad feeling about this,” mumbled Poe, dodging an angry hairball.

    To continue.....
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2020
  2. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Force Ghost star 6

    Jun 14, 2005
    Hux becoming a traitor in this story figures out differently than in TRoS. Because he is doing it for love. ;)Miauw! Even is taking the time thinking of a cat tree.

    That is a far better version than being a mole just that Kylo Ren does not win. :cool:
    gizkaspice likes this.
  3. gizkaspice

    gizkaspice Jedi Master star 3

    Nov 27, 2013
    Meow! Thanks so much for the kind comment, Azure! I'm glad you like this story so far. Yeah, I thought the way Hux's character was treated in TRoS was actually pretty terrible, given that TLJ really set up the stage for some kind of a coup against Benny. So now we need a better reason for this whole spy business thing with him. Thanks goodness for us talented fanficcers who can come in and fix things ;)

    Next chapter right here:

    Chapter 2:

    Kef Bir, the ocean moon of Endor.

    The moment the Millennium Falcon crash landed on the ocean moon due to damaged landing gear, Hux was already complaining how the impact somehow ruined his hair, even though it was actually fine. So, he spent two hours in the washroom trying to fix it, much to the annoyance of the crew.

    Poe knocked on the door. “15 minute limit, Hugs!”

    When Hux finally emerged out, the smell of excessive hair products knocked Poe unconscious to the ground almost immediately. He casually stepped over the pilot’s body without much thought as he made his way back to the cockpit. “Is there a cat beauty salon on this planet? Millicent needs a manicure done.” He was asking this just as the cat was scratching the furniture.

    Rey pinched her nose close from the excessive hair product stench. “General, I'd like to remind you that the Millennium Falcon is a scent-free environment; please read the policy on the main door.”

    “Yeah, have some respect, you insolent jerk. BB-8’s got an asthma thing going on,” said Finn.

    “Rarwww,” agreed Chewie as the round droid sneezed.

    “Ah-choo,” repeated D-0.

    Once outside, the crew explored the planet, seeing the remnants of the second Death Star in the distance sitting across the vast sea like an ominous broken mountain of evil.

    “Why are we here?” asked Hux as he held Millicent on a leash with one hand and his cane with another. The stupid ex-janitor was never good with obeying orders.

    While Rey was trying to figure out the Sith dagger, Poe explained. “Well, we need to find this thing to find this other thing and then do this thing.”

    “It’s complicated,” added Finn.

    “It’s broken,” said Rey, shaking the dagger.

    “It appears to say: “batteries not included"," announced C-3PO, noticing a tiny label on the dagger written in Basic that for some reason he just never noticed before.

    Poe rolled his eyes. “Would have been nice to know before we did all the stuff, don’t you think?”

    Suddenly, a group of young people riding giant space horse-cats appeared. “I’m Jannah,” said the leader of the group, a dark-skinned woman with obsidian black hair. She had the most amazing space horse-cat of all, a multicolored one with beautifully braided fur who also wore an elaborate cat-shaped war mask.. “Are you the Resistance?”

    “Sure are,” said Poe, giving a thumbs up. He handed her his business card. "Poe Dameron: Resistance pilot, cat policy analyst, and spice runner for unknown reasons."

    "Cat policy analyst my foot," muttered Hux under his breath, unimpressed. Millicent agreed this was a lie.

    Jannah suddenly noticed the General standing out among the group like a sore thumb and then prepared her electric bow to strike. “I see you brought that First Order garbage as a war captive. Allow me to get rid of him for you.”

    “No, no,” said Poe swiftly, standing in front of the man who was still in his uniform. “He’s on our side now."

    “A First Order defector? Hux? Interesting,” said Jannah, lowering her bow slightly but not all the way.

    “Oh look who's here. I see the traitor and despicable cat-hater, TZ-1719, is now riding a giant cat on a moon inhabited solely by cats,” sneered Hux as Millicent ate a bug. “Will wonders never cease?”

    “TZ-1719?” asked Finn curiously, turning to the mysterious woman. “I’m Finn, used to be FN-2187. Also a former traitor and cat-hater. Tell me more. Please...."

    Jannah smiled slightly to him and then explained: “We used to be stormtroopers, but when the First Order announced the arrival of a cat, we knew the cat stuff would get out of control. You know, surprises in shoes, cat litter everywhere, cat bites and scratches and subscribing to stupid newsletters. So, we defected just in time to peacefully settle on this moon and lived with cool, giant cat-things ever since. Our attitude towards cats has changed completely. We respect their boundaries." She pet her giant horse-cat on the head and it made a meow-neigh sound.

    “I can totally relate to everything you just said except the giant cat stuff,” said Finn and then gulped. "With giant cats, comes giant---"

    “Well done, traitor,” interrupted Hux discourteously as he picked up Millicent from the grass with one hand. “A shame you missed Millicent’s many birthdays aboard the Finalizer, accompanied by 10 hours of various slideshows of her with no washroom breaks. She recently received a first place medal for best cat in the Annual Interstellar Ice Skating Competition and successfully completed a figure eight, all due to my rigorous training and Millicent’s perpetual ambition.”

    Finn raised an eyebrow as he glanced to the cat. "Figure eight, huh? Impressive. I'm impressed, furball."

    Millicent beamed proudly and then stuck her little adorable cat tongue out at him and blew a raspberry.

    "She was also featured on "Galaxy's Modern Cat", the popular modern magazine for today's Imperials and tomorrow's turncoats," Hux explained. "Would you like to see her dance? She has custom made dance shoes specifically for the occasion."

    Jannah covered her ears from the excessive cat stuff, as did the rest of her group. “Oh, dear Galaxy, just shut up about your cat already!"

    Finn cringed, feeling shivers down his spine. “This is the torture I had to endure for so long at the First Order, but it only became worse, because later Kylo Ren got a cat.”

    “No,” gasped Jannah in disbelief, her eyes widening in terror. “That poor kitty!”

    “It gets even worse…then Phasma got a cat."

    “This is too much! The First Order must be stopped!"

    “And then I stepped on Millicent’s tail a few years ago and she bit me. Had to get a tetanus shot. It sucked,” continued Finn, and then fearfully noticed the orange tabby’s ears flatten as she growled at him. “….. Probably shouldn’t have reminded her.”

    To continue…
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  4. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Force Ghost star 6

    Jun 14, 2005
    The madness and genius of "Alice in Wonderland" is with this story. And through it all you feel the love for cats in each writen word.
    gizkaspice likes this.
  5. gizkaspice

    gizkaspice Jedi Master star 3

    Nov 27, 2013
    Thanks, Azure, glad you think so! I think Alice in Wonderland is definitely with this story, too [face_laugh]

    Next chapter right here:

    Chapter 3

    Back in Kylo Ren's bedroom aboard the Steadfast, an evil hologram appeared before him.

    “Kylo Ren.......” boomed the Emperor’s voice just as Kylo got out of the shower.

    “Kind of not a good time to be calling, Palpatine,” he mumbled, holding the towel in one hand. “Rey didn’t want to join the Dark Side so I’m sad now."

    The cold, dead eyes pierced into the young man’s. “I may have to reconsider my offer of giving you everything, including my fleet and that unlimited subscription to my podcasts. And what is that thing on your helmet?!”

    “This?” asked Kylo, pointing to his black kitten sitting on his helmet. “This is Blackie. Her name is Blackie cause she’s black, like the Dark Side and Darth Vader. It’s a cool color.”

    “Pretty sure that cat is a male. I can see his testicles all the way from here. That cat needs to be neutered! Are you stupid?"

    “You’re wrong, Palps,” protested Kylo. “Many have tried to remove her manhood. They have all failed."

    The Emperor almost face-palmed. "Her....manhood? Her manhood?! Did you just say...her manhood?!"

    “Yeah. Blackie's one special kitty with those radio transmitters."

    "You're an odd one, Kylo Ren...."

    "This is me," agreed Kylo simply in a cool way. "Deal with it, old man. Well, technically, old dead man, I guess.”

    “I have a new mission for you,” announced Palpatine, changing the subject before it got out of hand. “ Millicent.”

    “Millicent?” asked Kylo, surprised. “She’s just a regular space ship cat belonging to an insignificant officer. Stupid cat keeps leaving poodoo in my shoes."

    “That’s where you are wrong,” sneered the Emperor, forming a small grin on his deformed face. “Millicent… Her great-grandmother was my cat, Millicent the First, personal rodent control assassin, and not just the mousy type. Do not underestimate her.”

    “Okay, yeah,” agreed Kylo as he finally dressed. Palpatine turned away for a moment in disgust, seeing Darth Vader pajamas in the corner. “I’ll get you Millicent or whatever.”

    “And kill Rey,” reminded the Emperor, pointing a decaying finger towards him. “Don’t forget to pick up my groceries. Your fresh blood and young body have the necessary strength to carry some heavy items for me up these dreaded stairs.”

    “Okay, yeah. Getting creepy there, Palps,” said Kylo, turning off the hologram and focusing his attention on Blackie. The black kitten looked at him innocently. “It’s been a year and you haven’t grown at all. You really are like one of those cats that never grows.”

    Blackie shifted his eyes suspiciously.

    Kylo petted the kitten on the head affectionately. “We're not going to tell Palpatine that you’re the descendant of Darth Vader’s black cat, Blacky. Blacky helped the rebels destroy the second Death Star; my mom told me that story. We’re gonna rule together, Blackie. You, me and Rey. Nothing will stand in our way. It’s gonna be awesome. You’ll see!”

    Suddenly, another voice called out to him. "BEN!"

    Kylo gasped. "Mommy!?"

    "Benjamin Chewbacca Jr. Organa Skywalker Solo! You better "Imperial March" your way back to the Light Side or I'll drag your butt over here!"

    "Aww, mom, I don't wanna," complained Kylo. "Leave me alone, okay? I'm all conflicted and stuff." He put his Darth Vader emo music on higher to douse out his emotions.

    "At least tell me you're wearing clean underwear!"

    "Well, I wouldn't say clean, but they're adequate I guess," mumbled Kylo. The voice in his head faded and he wondered if Leia was really contacting him or not. Was it Palpatine messing with him? He wasn't sure. Suddenly, he received a knock on his door.

    "Supreme Leader, a package for you," said an officer before handing him a small box. He accepted it warily and then shut the door closed quickly least anyone else saw his Darth Vader action figure collection.

    Inside was a pair of clean, lightsaber-themed underwear.
    To continue...
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  6. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Force Ghost star 6

    Jun 14, 2005
    Benjamin Chewbacca Jr. Organa Skywalker Solo...


    Even the Emperor knows about Blackie being male.

    And the way Leia gave out to her son...

    Once more, a priceless update!
    gizkaspice likes this.
  7. gizkaspice

    gizkaspice Jedi Master star 3

    Nov 27, 2013
    :D It took some time to figure out what his full name would be...;) Yes, it seems everyone but Kylo realizes Blackie is a male....or will he perhaps one day understand? Leia will be an important part in this story--I always wanted her and Kylo to reunite somehow. Thanks for the comment!

    Next chapter right here:

    Chapter 4

    In her office aboard the decommissioned Finalizer, which was now used for ceremonial purposes only, Dr. Tana the First Order veterinarian was reviewing some documents regarding illegal pets kept by stormtroopers that had now turned into invasive pests aboard ships, including a flock of pink ducks.

    Suddenly, she picked up her comlink. "General? You messaged me the other day mentioning---what do you mean you defected to the Resistance? You're on a moon with giant space horse cats? Why am I not surprised....."

    Dr. Tana paused to process their conversation and then she put a hand to her left temple. "Well, you're just going to have to figure out how to trim Millicent's nails yourself. No, she doesn't need weekly vet visits. Look, she'll be fine! Can you just please stop freaking out? Maybe this is an opportunity for you to get a hobby......preferably one unrelated to cats or blowing up planets."

    There was a knock on her office door and she disconnected the call promptly least anyone suspected her. Luckily, it was a stormtrooper with an angry duck on his head.

    "Hey doc, there's this duck that thinks my helmet is an egg and's been there for the last two days. Yeah. A little help?"

    She sighed in defeat.

    Allegiant General Pryde was surprised when he saw the Supreme Leader rush into the command center aboard the Steadfast with that black kitten still sitting attached to his arts and crafts helmet like a leech.

    “Yo. Has anyone seen Millicent?” asked Kylo Ren. The officers mumbled to each other and shrugged.

    “I have not seen the beast in quite some time, Supreme Leader,” said Pryde, and then his voice lowered into a harsh, suspicious whisper. “Or General Hux for that matter….”

    “Yeah, that's kind of a problem, Allegiant General. Here kitty, kitty, kitty,” called out Kylo, looking under seats, under boxes and around storage containers. At one point he kicked someone off their seat. “Anyone got some tuna?”

    “I will sacrifice my sandwich,” announced a brave officer on lunch break, offering a half consumed meal.

    Kylo accepted the tuna sandwich but Blackie devoured it almost immediately like a piranha. He glanced to the cat annoyingly and then sighed. “I guess that didn’t go well. Allegiant General, check General Hux’s quarters. Folks, do me a favor and check your quarters. I want every inch of the Steadfast searched! I want that cat found….”

    Pryde kept his own thoughts about the idiocy of the Supreme Leader to himself. He rushed down the hallway towards Hux’s quarters and entered his own personal code into the keypad. Now that Hux was under constant supervision, he had access to his quarters to keep a watch on him and eliminate any scheming against the Supreme Leader. To his surprise, the quarters were empty, even the ceramic cat vases were gone! A hateful scowl formed on his aging face before returning to the command center to report the findings.

    “You found Millicent?” asked Kylo, after kicking someone else off their seat.

    “I am quite certain, Supreme Leader, that General Hux and Millicent are no longer aboard this ship,” Pryde reported coldly. That weasel abandoned the ship, he thought. But how? When? Hux seemed smarter than he looked; perhaps he had underestimated the brat.

    “Don’t think so,” said Kylo, adjusting Blackie on his helmet who was sliding off. “I would’ve known. I put a tracking device on him and it’s telling me he’s somewhere close.”

    Pryde sighed and held up a broken ankle monitoring tracking device that was now malfunctioning. “Perhaps you mean….this?”

    Kylo smacked his lips angrily. “The cat is out of the bag on icy grounds and playing with fire.”

    “A peculiar way to use multiple idioms, Supreme Leader," said Pryde. He did not even try to hide his sarcasm. “I will issue an emergency search warrant immediately.”

    "Also issue a search warrant for my Darth Vader special edition action figure," added Kylo. "I sense someone misplaced it....It is quite valuable."

    Pryde was silent for a moment, processing that request. "Yes, sir. I will issue a search warrant for your....doll."

    "ACTION FIGURE!" screamed Kylo, breaking a trashcan before proceeding to destroy another control room with his lightsaber.

    "Bloody millennials," muttered Pryde under his breath as he walked off, rolling his eyes at the manchild.

    Meanwhile back on the ocean moon, Rey felt the warm wind gently touch her face as she stood alone on a grassy hill overlooking the ruins of the Death Star in the far distance. The revelation of her heritage was something she could just not accept. She did not want this---why couldn't she just have a normal family? Her lifetime yearning to find her family and her identity led only to disappointment and pain.

    "Why are you afraid of who you are?" whispered a voice in the wind, or perhaps it was in her mind.

    Rey gasped and turned around, scanning the environment. "Who is it?" She looked down in the grass and saw the orange tabby cat sitting across from her not too far away. She tilted her furry head to the side at Rey curiously. "Millicent?!"

    To continue....
  8. Cowgirl Jedi 1701

    Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Dec 21, 2016
    The last bit of this installment has Lion King vibes.
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  9. gizkaspice

    gizkaspice Jedi Master star 3

    Nov 27, 2013
    Thanks for the comment and for reading! That's interesting...never thought about a Lion King vibe when I was writing it, but I can totally see it now with the whole identity thing.....[face_thinking]

    Well, onto the cats! I just had the next chapter lying around so here it is!

    Chapter 5

    We share a common bond, Rey,” mewed the orange cat in her mind.

    Rey held her right temple. “I… I understand you. How? Is talking to animals another one of my superpowers?!”

    Maybe,” replied Millicent telepathically; her mouth remained closed, except for a yawn.“You’re the granddaughter of Emperor Palpatine. I’m the great-granddaughter of his cat, Millicent the First.

    “You’re….sort of a Palpatine, too,” whispered Rey, staring into her brown eyes; they were like saucers representing the mysterious vastness of the Galaxy. “You understand me. Together, we can destroy Palpatine."

    "Yes! And then I will rule the Galaxy with your help,” meowed the cat in her mind. "You have the power of the Cat, Rey. Embrace the cat side of the Force!"

    Rey was now holding her head painfully from all the new revelations about her. It was all too much. "Sorry, kitty cat," she cried as she ran away towards the edge of the sea.

    "Rey! You can't escape your destiny! Return and become my servant!" meowed the cat angrily before she was scooped up by Hux.

    "Millie, you should know better than to talk to the scavenger girl," he huffed arrogantly as he pet the feline. "You don't know where she's been."

    Rey rolled her eyes as she got into a skimmer that was just lying there for her convenience and yelled back. "Whatever, loser! I understand your cat and she spoke to me telepathically!"

    "Oh, I'm sure," sneered the General. "What do you even know about cats? Do you know adult cats have 30 teeth? All the merrier to bite you and your emo, darkside boyfriend with."

    Rey raised a finger in warning as she took off in the skimmer. "Look, Kylo Ren is not my boyfriend and....this conversation is now over! Uhm...umm......MEOWWWWW!!!"

    Hux covered Millicent's innocent ears protectively. "Such profanity!"

    When he returned to the Millennium Falcon, Jannah and her group were helping Chewie and Finn repair the landing gear.

    Poe approached him as he walked Millicent on a leash. "Hugs! By the way, I feel like calling you 'Hugs' is getting boring. You must have a name?"

    Hux mused on the question for a moment before answering. "Yes. Armitage."

    "Okay," said Poe. "I'll call you 'Armie.' Are we cool?"

    "Absolutely not. There is only one person who had permission to call me that," said Hux almost sadly before his eyes drifted hatefully towards the ex-stormtrooper. "...But....someone sent her down to a presumed fiery death."

    Finn rolled his eyes. "Whatever. He means his girlfriend, Phasma."

    "UGH! GROSS! Excuse me, please!" screamed Jannah, dropping her repair tools to the ground as she rushed to the nearest washroom to puke at the suggestion of her former masters being a thing.

    Finn smiled to himself. "Jannah and I are so's as if...we're siblings. Maybe we're like some sort of long lost twins the First Order kidnapped and now the Force has brought us back together. Yeah, I'm totally going to write an awesome fanfic about this and I'll lead a stormtrooper rebellion riding a giant space horse cat thing. Anyways, where's Rey?"

    "I have no idea," shrugged Poe.

    "I can't accept that, Poe," said Finn, looking at him straight in the eye. "I need to know where Rey is at every possible given moment--I have something to tell her!"

    "I mean, she was literally here an hour ago. You could have told her then!"

    "Yeah, well, I didn't because reasons!" huffed Finn.

    "Meow, meow, meow," meowed Millicent smartly. "Meow, meow, meow, meow meow!"

    Hux translated: "The scavenger girl is heading towards the ruins of the Death Star.."

    C-3PO glanced to the General. "Oh, my. He speaks cat now!"

    "He speaks cat now??" asked Finn, raising an eyebrow.

    "He speaks cat now," confirmed Poe.

    To continue...
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  10. gizkaspice

    gizkaspice Jedi Master star 3

    Nov 27, 2013
    Been a while... here's the last chapter for anyone still reading!

    Chapter 6

    Back in the ruins of the second Death Star, Rey had stumbled upon a room where she saw another Rey, a Dark-Side version of herself with cat ears, whiskers and fangs.

    "Don't be afraid of who you are. Meow!" hissed Rey-cat, sending Rey backwards out of the room in shock.

    Rey stood up, backing away from the strange room. Before her was the seat of the Emperor and above it....was a broken portrait of an orange cat wearing a pink and red bow.

    "Yeah, I'm sick of the whole cat stuff, too," said a familiar voice out of nowhere. "But I need Millicent and I know you know where she is."

    She turned, seeing Kylo Ren standing before her. Instantly, she switched on her lightsaber and positioned herself in a battle stance.

    "Wanna get married?" he asked in a cool way, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

    Rey glared. "Wanna get your butt kicked!? Again!?"

    Kylo circled her, his black kitten sitting on his helmet shifting his eyes suspiciously. "Not only are you the granddaughter of the Emperor.....Millicent is also the great-granddaughter of his cat. That makes" He smacked his lips in thought. "Some kind of awesome cat queen of sorts. Do you like cat food?"

    "Whatever, loser," said Rey, rolling her eyes.

    "Wait," said Kylo suddenly. "If you're the granddaughter of Palpatine....that means your father was his son which means...."

    Rey cringed in disgust. "The Emperor did the capacity? Gross, gross, gross!"

    "Ugh," cringed Kylo, holding his head in terror as his mind began to imagine all the terrible possibilities about the Emperor's unknown love life. "Oh, gross! And I bet he said at one point, "let's dew it.'"

    "Let's 'dew' it?! Stop! The image is burnt in my brain," cried Rey, feeling sick to her stomach at the very idea.

    "Stop copying me! Now I can't stop thinking about it! Gah!"

    She reached out her hand while he was distracted by the thought of Palpatine signing up for horizontal tango and called the black kitten to her. She snatched Blackie and held him in her arms as she made a run for it. "Enough of this disgusting dialogue! I'm taking Blackie away from you and stealing your ship! Then I'm going to live on an island and become a crazy cat lady!"

    "No!" screamed Kylo as he attempted to run after her but tripped over his cape. He watched helplessly as she got into his TIE fighter silencer and escaped off the planet. He fell to his knees, smashing the ground with his fist. "You cat stealer! Come back!"


    Kylo gasped. "Mommy!?"

    "No, it's me, you nerfherder. Han Solo. Your father," said Han Solo as he appeared before his son as a memory. "Listen, kid, if you want a girl to like you, you have to be good and stuff."

    "Good and stuff," mused Kylo, putting a finger to his chin in thought. "Like...not kill people? Clean up after myself? Say nice things to coworkers?"

    "Yeah, sure," said Han. "And other things, too. Like actually feeding Blackie the cat food Dr. Tana prescribed instead of eating it yourself, you moron. Girls like guys who can take care of their cats, Ben. If you wanna be good, you need to admit Blackie is a guy."

    "No!" screamed Kylo."You're mistaken."

    "Oh, geez," mumbled Han, shaking his head. He turned back to his doofus son. "Look, kid. These days, you can easily find out everything from the Internet. So, here's a picture of how a male cat looks like. Get it?"

    Kylo stared at his father's comlink screen, shocked. He smacked his lips. "You''re right. Those are...."

    "Yeah," said Han Solo. "Those things. You've been living a lie, son. Well, I guess it’s technically kind of my fault with my terrible attempt at explaining sex education.” He cleared his throat and then turned back to his son. “Anyways, you need to return to the Light. You know what to do. I believe in you."

    Suddenly, the memory vanished and he was alone. Kylo looked out into the ocean and then threw his lightsaber away. He filled his lungs with the cold air and screamed to the world: "Blackie is a guy!"

    Somewhere aboard the decommissioned Finalizer half way across the Galaxy, Dr. Tana, the First Order's veterinarian, was finishing up some paperwork when she dropped her pen and cringed. "Finally he gets it...Finally...."

    On Ajan Kloss, General Leia Organa looked up to the stars outside the base. “I knew you’d figure it out, son.”

    On Exegol, Palpatine face-palmed upon hearing the news from his receptionist. “Has the Skywalker line always been this stupid? Ah…Yes. Yes, it has. Nevermind. Carry on. All good here."

    Back on the forest moon of Endor, one Ewok looked to the blue sky and pat the shoulder of her friend and said in Ewokese: “He got it! Hurrah!”

    And the Galaxy cheered and celebrated, not exactly sure what they were celebrating or why since the First Order and Palpatine’s return were still threatening their worlds. But that’s alright---there were cats involved and that was enough to celebrate.

    Meanwhile, back on the Millennium Falcon, Finn and Poe were watching the news on screen, confused. “So he figured out his cat’s a guy, so what?” asked Poe, shrugging.

    “Wait, what? Finally?!?” said Finn. “This is like…..a revelation!”

    Suddenly, Hux entered the cockpit holding a dressed-up Millicent in a red dress and with a princess tiara. “Excuse me. I thought this story was supposed to be about Millicent? Since when did it become about an idiot confused about his cat’s ass? I demand you now return your attention to her Majesty right here."

    “I thought it was about me,” complained Finn.

    “I heard that if a cat shows you its butt, it’s a sign of friendship and trust,” explained Poe arbitrarily.

    Finn glanced to Millicent, who was showing him her fangs. “I think that’s the opposite of what he just said.....”
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2020
    GregMcP likes this.
  11. Mistress_Renata

    Mistress_Renata Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Sep 9, 2000
    You always bring the crazy in such a good way, and I got so behind and have just too many quotes to say that I enjoyed.

    Although this one just absolutely took the catnip! ^:)^
  12. Cowgirl Jedi 1701

    Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Dec 21, 2016
    Found this in the meme thread and thought it was kind of relevant. Enjoy.
    Mistress_Renata and Iron_lord like this.