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The Seamy Lives of Luke and Darth (AU)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Mistress Sudafed, Feb 27, 2000.

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  1. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Yay, a chance to embarrass myself in front of a loooot of people Alrighty, this is just for a lot of fun and you must have a kooky (did I just use that word?) sense of humour, and be open to anything[that I am allowed to post]. So without further ado, here is the story!!!



    Obi-Wan Kenobi(on the phone with Yoda):Master Yoda...

    Yoda: STOP BOTHERING MEEEE, you will

    Obi -Wan(continuing): I am worried about Anakin, I mean, all that black leather he's been wearing, I think that spells trouble!

    Yoda: Black leather, I do wear!

    Obi-Wan: But it doesn't get to your head. I think Anakin is being warped by this motorcycle lifestyle he's been adopting.

    Yoda: Get a life, you must


    Queens Palace, Theed, Naboo

    Anakin(cooing over the twins in their crib): Here Lukey, Lukey, Daddy bought us matching leather outfits!

    Amidala(horrified): Ani, please! You are representing the Royal House of Naboo everytime you go out in one of those freaky outfits. The family is SO embarrassed! Why didn't you buy Leia a leather outfit?

    Anakin: I don't want my daughter dressing up like some wanton *****! I bought her this one instead

    Amidala(reading the label): Little Antarctic Explorer

    Anakin: Right, now if you'll excuse me, Luke and I are going to flaunt our new outfits! Isn't he adorable?

    Amidala:I don't want you going out like that! Gimme that baby

    Anakin: NOOOOO

    Amidala: GIVE HIM!NOW!

    During the ensuing struggle, Amidala tries to rip the tight leather scraps off baby Luke, which must have surely been held on by the Force as they defy any law of gravity. The struggle only breaks up when Ami and Ani burst into tears when Leia snuggles up inside a black leather jacket that fell inside the crib.

    Ani: My daughter's a *****!*sob*

    Ami: This is all your fault!



    I have nothing against wearing leather, only cheap, dominatrix leather. I promise it will get better. Please respond, even to say stop posting, but only if you mean it! More soon, if you want
     
  2. Vee

    Vee Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 16, 2000
    I laughed. I cried. But mostly, I laughed.

    You wouldn't happen to be a Sith Academy or Melrose Naboo fan, would you?
     
  3. Alderaan21

    Alderaan21 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 24, 1998
    That was cute!! I loved it.
     
  4. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Thank you so much! I've never done a SW fanfic before, I'm totally new, and love you for posting. I LOVE the Sith Academy, but I've never heard of Melrose Naboo. Where can I find it?
    Anyways, heres some more ...



    Amidala: Why the HELL don't I have any cigarettes?

    Anakin: Calm down, I'll just go talk to Palpy and...

    Ami: You ALWAYS talk to Palpy. If it was up to you, the whole universe would revolve around Palpy. If you could be stranded on a deserted planet with anyone...

    Ani:But he's so cute! I think he looks like Burt Reynolds!

    Ami: Burt Reynolds? You'd better stop going to the dump so often. SABE! BRING ME A CIGARETTE! A REAL ONE THIS TIME!

    Ani: I can't believe someone would be so desperate as to smoke a rolled up piece of paper with tea inside. You shouldn't be smoking at all!

    Ami: OBI-WAN! YOU'D BETTER NOT BE MAKING A LONG DISTANCE CALL IN THERE! And Ani, I think the twins are already warped beyond repair, nothing could surprise them now.

    Luke pulls out a pink blanket from nowhere and curls up in it, while Leia is still asleep in the leather jacket.

    Amidala: You're DEAD Ani! You too, Chef Boyardee!

    Chef Boyardee: What did I do?

    Amidala: Look at all this flab! I attribute it to your delightful overstuffed ravioli.

    Chef Boyardee: But you just had twins a few months ago...aaaaaaaah!(ducks to avoid the mirror hurtling towards him)



     
  5. Marie D Padawannabe

    Marie D Padawannabe Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Feb 12, 2000
    YOU TOO, CHEF BOYARDEE! Bwahahaha!!

    This is Melrose Naboo-ish! I love it!!! Heehee! Um, since I've read MN, where can
    I find the Sith Academy??!

    Marie
     
  6. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    The super great Sith Academy can be found at http://www.siubhan.com/sithacademy.www.siubhan.com/sithacademy. I'm sorry, I don't know how to make links. So where can I find Melrose Naboo?
     
  7. Darth Cerberus

    Darth Cerberus Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 12, 1999
    Cool this is. More you must do
     
  8. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Oh, there's a link I didn't know it would do that. Maybe I should have edited the post above so I don't look like a dumb padawan, which I am, but it doesn't hurt to not let it show, which I seem to not be helping in my case.

    [This message has been edited by Mistress Sudafed (edited 02-29-2000).]

    [This message has been edited by Mistress Sudafed (edited 02-29-2000).]
     
  9. Darth Cerberus

    Darth Cerberus Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 12, 1999
    Hey that link didn't work.
     
  10. Pixel Novastar

    Pixel Novastar Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 5, 1999
    This is delightfully demented.

    More!
     
  11. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Try this link: http://www.siubhan.com/sithacademy/frame.htmlwww.siubhan.com/sithacademy/frame.html
     
  12. Alderaan21

    Alderaan21 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 24, 1998
    Sudafed: I don't know the exact address of Melrose Naboo, but you can find it by going to http://www.banthatracks.comwww.banthatracks.com and doing a search for "Melrose Naboo". It's funny as h**l, I HIGHLY recommend it-- unless you happen to have food in your mouth while you're reading.

    Another excellent post! This is going to be good....

    [This message has been edited by Alderaan21 (edited 02-29-2000).]
     
  13. Vee

    Vee Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 16, 2000
    I love this thread.

    Melrose Naboo is at
    http://www.fortunecity.com/lavendar/casablanca/mn/index.htm http://www.fortunecity.com/lavendar/casablanca/mn/index.htm . I'm the beta-reader "AlienSam," and let me tell you, there is some funny stuff yet to come.
     
  14. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Palpatine is strolling down the streets of Coruscant when who does he happen to bump in to but Burt Reynolds!

    Palpatine: AAAAAAH! It's ME!

    They both wave their arms in synch, like a mirror. Burt Reynolds then punches Palpy in the face to show he is not a mirror that happened to be walking down the road.

    Palpatine: It can't be! You look just like me!

    Burt Reynolds: What? Get away from me, you freak!

    Palpatine: No wait! You must be my long lost exact double. Give me a hug! Hug me!

    Burt Reynolds: NOOOOOoooooOOOOOOO!!! Police!

    Policeman: I'm sorry there, no touching Senator Palpatine. *whisper* when he's in one of his 'Burt Reynolds' moods it's best to just humour him until it goes away

    Burt Reynolds: Everyone's mad over here! I'm leaving!(gets in Smokey and the Bandit car and vamooose)

    Palpatine: WAIT!!!!!!BURRRRRRRT! My long lost brother, gone! I didn't even get to *choke*

    Anakin, also sobbing like a girl, runs with his arms flailing into Palpatine.

    Anakin: Palpy!

    Palpy: Ani! What happened, baby?

    Anakin: My Luke is going fruity, my Leia is turning into a dominatrix little ****, and Ami,along with the Royal House and whole planet of Naboo,is embarassed by my kinky leather outfits*sob*

    Palpatine(still sobbing): I'll let you wear black leather in public if you join me.

    Anakin(sobbing): Really? You are so supportive, much more than Ami. Wow. (Turns to Dark Side)

    Palpatine(yup, crying): Come on, I have 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back' at home. We can change into sweatpants and gorge ourselves on cheesecake and not care because damnit, we are happy with who we are!

    Anakin: I've always wanted to get in touch with my feminine side. Can we order pizza?

    Palpatine: No, lets buy that rising crust pizza from the grocery store

    Anakin: Mmmm, it's just not the same, no matter what the commercials say

    Palpatine: Fine, we'll go to that Pizza Hut across the street

    Anakin: Can't we walk just a bit further and go to Papa Johns?

    Palpatine: NO

    Anakin: Awwwwwwww

    They cross the street and walk into Pizza Hut

    Palpatine: I'll have 2 large pizzas with everything on them. What do you want, Ani?

    Anakin: I'll have the same, plus an extra large order of Buffalo wings

    Palpatine: Ooh, make that two!

    A Melissa Etheridge song starts playing on the radio and Anakin collapses, crying like a baby

    Anakin: LEIA!!!

    Palpatine: There there. Oooh, I'll take a few side orders of those lovely breadsticks, too!

    Anakin:*sniff* supersize mine, please

    Palpatine: You can't supersize at Pizza Hut!

    Anakin:*sob* then double my order. I hope you're paying.

    [This message has been edited by Mistress Sudafed (edited 02-29-2000).]
     
  15. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Obi-Wan: Ami, I'm afraid I have some horrible, bone-chilling news

    Amidala: I KNEW it! That idiot had to go and turn to the Dark Side!

    Obi-Wan: You know about Ani?

    Amidala: Ani? I was talking about Burt Reynolds!(hands Obi-Wan the newspaper)

    The headline reads: BURT REYNOLDS DECLARES SELF EMPEROR

    Obi-Wan: That's not Burt Reynolds, that's Palpatine!

    Amidala: Hmm, maybe they DID look alike

    Obi-Wan: Ami, your husband is pure evil! Don't you care?

    Ami(buried in the newspaper): They REALLY look alike in this picture! LUKE, put down that tiara. That's Leias.

    Leia throws down the tiara and proceeds to have her He-man whoop her GI Joes. Luke puts on the tiara and tries to put makeup on his baby Minnie mouse, but cries when he can't reach some lipstick that fell out of Amidala's pocket.

    Amidala(picking him up): Don't worry, Luke, I'll make you a man yet! We're going to a strip club

    Obi-Wan: Ami! Number one, Luke is only a few months old,and number two, it wouldn't be good for the Queen to be seen at a sleazy strip joint!

    Amidala: I wouldn't go to a sleazy one...

    Obi-Wan: You were embarassed by Anakins behaviour...

    Amidala(threatening):What are you saying? A HYPOCRITE, am I?

    Obi-Wan:*gulp*um, er, I ah, ...

    Amidala: No matter. We must hide the children from my pure-evil hubby

    Obi-Wan: What's the point? He's already severely disappointed in them. Do you really think a Sith Lord would WANT a little gay boy or a butch grrrrl power raging feminist as one of them?

    Amidala: I want REVENGE! HE did this to my babies!Where's my vodka?

    Obi-Wan: Anger is the fastest way to the Dar-

    Amidala: Shut up! We're going to burn down Papa Johns! Maybe that will make Luke into a man! I like the Leia grrl power, we'll keep that. And we can buy more cigarettes on the way! Yay! This will be so much fun!

    Obi-Wan(mumbling): We should stop at the mental institution on the way

    Amidala(cheerful): What?

    Obi-Wan: Nothing! Lets go

    They run out the door, Amidala cheering. After a few seconds they come back and take Luke and Leia with them. Obi-Wan got to carry the big bags of diapers and other baby stuff, plus the big heavy cans of gas to burn down Papa Johns. Ami pushed a cute double stroller and got to coo over her adorable twins.

    Obi-Wan: A little HELP over here would be nice!

    Amidala(mean and mother-like): When YOU give birth, THEN you can be relieved of all the heavy work!

    Defeated, Obi-Wan shrugs and Force lifts everything.Amidala makes him stop a few minutes later when Lukes favourite Teletubbie, the purple one(Tinky Winky?) falls out, and Obi-Wan has to carry everything by hand again.

    [This message has been edited by Mistress Sudafed (edited 02-29-2000).]
     
  16. Geoff Morton

    Geoff Morton Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 18, 1998
    This is delightfully demented, in a truly fun way. Keep it up...
     
  17. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Oops, I didn't realize that Anakin ran from the palace on Naboo to Palpatines arms in Coruscant. Well, he did so through a heated covered walkway between the two planets, with breathtaking views on the way
     
  18. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Anakin: Lets see, I need a name that is sassy, that oozes flair and pizazz, that says, WORLD, HERE I COME!!!

    Palpatine(bored): Will you just hurry up and choose a frickin' name already!

    Anakin: Now, Master,my name is my identity. If i choose the wrong name...

    Palpatine: Yeah yeah, just carry on

    Anakin: How about Sir Barnaby Gerald! Mr. Hot Daddy-O! Lulu the Magician!

    Palpatine(as a puppy jumps on his lap): Hey there!

    Anakin: Vader? Ooooooh, mysterious! Like invader! Wait, that might be a bit obvious...

    Palpatine(fed up): YOUR NAME IS VADER! DARTH VADER!

    Anakin/Vader(whiny): Daaaaarth? But EVERY Sith has that name! Or is it a title?

    Palpatine: Must be. But it's your name now

    Anakin/Vader: Awwwwwwwwwww




     
  19. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Anakin: Lets see, I need a name that is sassy, that oozes flair and pizazz, that says, WORLD, HERE I COME!!!

    Palpatine(bored): Will you just hurry up and choose a frickin' name already!

    Anakin: Now, Master,my name is my identity. If i choose the wrong name...

    Palpatine: Yeah yeah, just carry on

    Anakin: How about Sir Barnaby Gerald! Mr. Hot Daddy-O! Lulu the Magician!

    Palpatine(as a puppy jumps on his lap): Hey there!

    Anakin: Vader? Ooooooh, mysterious! Like invader! Wait, that might be a bit obvious...

    Palpatine(fed up): YOUR NAME IS VADER! DARTH VADER!

    Anakin/Vader(whiny): Daaaaarth? But EVERY Sith has that name! Or is it a title?

    Palpatine: Must be. But it's your name now

    Anakin/Vader: Awwwwwwwwwww




     
  20. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Anakin: I need a new name, a Sithly name,a sassy name, one with flair that oozes pizazz and screams UNIVERSE, HERE I AM!

    Palpatine(irritated): Why don't you hurry up and choose a frickin' name already!

    Anakin: Now now, Master, my name is my whole identity, and ducky, ...

    Palpatine: Shut up and find a name!

    Anakin: Ooh, how about Baron von Hen! Sir Hot Machine, Lord One Fine Bod-ay!

    Palpatine: How about ER patient?

    Anakin: Ugh, talk to the hand!

    Palpatine(as a puppy hops on his lap): Hey there

    Anakin: Vader? Perfect! It wouls evoke such a sense of fear, like invader, and of course the camp value is to die for!

    Palpatine: Careful, you're turning into Luke

    Anakin/Vader: Luke, what a fine lad, turned to the fruit side (tears well uo in Ani/Vaders eyes and he grabs a bucket of ice cream)

    Palpatine(annoyed): Alright, you're not that far into girliness. Calm down, Vader.

    Anakin/Vader: I want to change my name again...

    Palpatine(really riled up): YOUR NAME IS VADER! DARTH VADER!

    Anakin/Vader(whining): Daaaaaarth? But all the other Sith guys were named Darth, I wanna be original!

    Palpatine: YOUR NAME IS DARTH!

    Anakin/Vader: Awwwwwwwww


     
  21. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Anakin: I need a new name, a Sithly name,a sassy name, one with flair that oozes pizazz and screams UNIVERSE, HERE I AM!

    Palpatine(irritated): Why don't you hurry up and choose a frickin' name already!

    Anakin: Now now, Master, my name is my whole identity, and ducky, ...

    Palpatine: Shut up and find a name!

    Anakin: Ooh, how about Baron von Hen! Sir Hot Machine, Lord One Fine Bod-ay!

    Palpatine: How about ER patient?

    Anakin: Ugh, talk to the hand!

    Palpatine(as a puppy hops on his lap): Hey there

    Anakin: Vader? Perfect! It wouls evoke such a sense of fear, like invader, and of course the camp value is to die for!

    Palpatine: Careful, you're turning into Luke

    Anakin/Vader: Luke, what a fine lad, turned to the fruit side (tears well uo in Ani/Vaders eyes and he grabs a bucket of ice cream)

    Palpatine(annoyed): Alright, you're not that far into girliness. Calm down, Vader.

    Anakin/Vader: I want to change my name again...

    Palpatine(really riled up): YOUR NAME IS VADER! DARTH VADER!

    Anakin/Vader(whining): Daaaaaarth? But all the other Sith guys were named Darth, I wanna be original!

    Palpatine: YOUR NAME IS DARTH!

    Anakin/Vader: Awwwwwwwww


     
  22. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    mad.gif I added a new post, a few times, and it's not up here! eek.gif
     
  23. PrincessLaura

    PrincessLaura Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Oct 26, 1999
    Haven´t laughed as hard as when I read this thread since Darth SKEET (BOBA FETT GO ON WITH THAT STORY!!) and Vector Prime´s humorous version!! THANX VERY MUCH!
     
  24. Darth Beavis

    Darth Beavis Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Nov 20, 1999
    I LOVE IT!!!!

    We need more humourous threads around here.
     
  25. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    :eek: Sorry about the multiple posts, but they never showed up the first time and I got all these error messages mad.gif But everythings fine now, and this IS tame for me, but I had to reign in my slash/porn tendencies to post here. When my webpage goes up, you can visit it for more, um, adult funny stuff cool.gif
    :p eek.gif
     
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