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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

The Seamy Lives of Luke and Darth (AU)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Mistress Sudafed, Feb 27, 2000.

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  1. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    an interview with Mental patient 900461:Ex-Chancellor Valorum, who refuses to give his first name. Recommend full frontal-or better yet, total-lobotomy. In this transcript contains either the ramblings of a mental patient or the doom of the entire galaxy...

    Ex-Chancellor Valorum(in straightjacket): You make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman...darn, i broke a nail bacl there!

    Dr. Madd(what an ironic name! ):Valorum...

    Valorum: Call me Val!

    Dr. Madd: Val, I have something shocking to tell you...you are not a woman

    Valorum: YES I AM!!!

    Dr. Madd: We have drugs for this type of mental confusion...

    Valorum: Burt....wheres my Burt?

    Dr. Madd: Val, you have something known as Luke Skywalker Syndrome...where one is extremely effeminate yet have this constant struggle going on inside for blood

    Valorum: Skywalker...oh yeah, that nerdy kid who sucessfully lobbied to have a credit card machine put in the pay toilets

    Dr. Madd: No, that's Anakin. Don't you know your nerds?

    Valorum: Anakin...I once went to a dominatrix house and he was the only one who wouldn't give me a discount.

    Dr. Madd: I know! What a cheapskate! Had to go to that awful Madame Ow

    Valorum: The Army of the 12 Monkeys...

    Dr. Madd: Shut up, I'm pouring my heart out here!

    Valorum: Do you have a bib?

    Dr. Madd: I got this from Mr. Frigids Clinic, for guys like me who...

    Valorum: highway worker orange *sniff* somebody likes me!

    Dr. Madd: Someone down here really likes you

    Valorum: Beware Burt Reynolds and his magic tap shoes.....

    Dr. Madd: Burt Reynolds? He disappeared a long time ago...

    Valorum: NO!! He's alive, and can destroy the UNIVERSE!!!

    Valorum bites Dr. Madd to death, because he is in a straightjacket, and runs out of the mental hospital, biting to death anyone who tried to stop him.

    Anyone who sees Valorum should consider him unarmed (pun!) and dangerous

    eek.gif tongue.gif

    Does Valorum have a first name? What is it?
     
  2. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    I have a cold and I just took ASPIRIN!!! eek.gif eek.gif eek.gif (But Mistress Aspirin doesn't have a ring to it )

    Being pointless is so much fun!
     
  3. SithAbigail

    SithAbigail Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2000
    ::looks on in horror at this story being on the second page:: Uppers!
     
  4. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    On Coruscant, Amidala et al are figuring out how to get off the doomed planet

    Vader: How about this one: Happy Jerry's Happy Cruises

    Amidala: Do they accept pets?

    Chewie growls threateningly at the label, then thinks of how pretty Ami is and stops

    Vader: We would have to sneak in this big tree here

    Palpatine: Why don't you just buy everyone a ticket and save me the uncomfortableness and embarassment that is sure to follow!

    Vader: I'd never think he would get scruples, but there you go!

    Amidala: We can bring in our pet tree, our moving sack, and our...circus chimp! We can dress up like a circus act!

    Palpatine: Many places give great group discounts...

    Amidala: Shut up! We are going to pretend we are a circus troupe!

    Vader: Freaky Happy Troupe Clown Colourful Jubilee Jumbaroo Red Shoes!!!

    Amidala: That's excellent!!! You buy the make-up, I'll buy the funny clothes!

    Vader: Me buy make-up...

    Amidala: Great! You volunteered! I'll be back!

    Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!

    Palpatine(amused): Go buy the make-up, Vader!

    Vader: I'll paint you up like a girl, I really will, and that will destroy you!

    Palpatine: You're sneaking me in! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo

    **********************************

    Bobba Fett: CAPTOR!!!

    Qui-Gon: Yeah?

    Bobba Fett: I can't fit in this carcass!

    Qui-Gon: I'm surprised you could get in at all, tubby

    Bobba Fett: How am I supposed to get my head in this? And I'm not fat, it's genetic!

    Qui-Gon: Sure it is. Those ancestors must have really forced that pie down your throat!

    Bobba Fett: You big bully!

    Qui-Gon: See this lightsaber? It's at your throat! Pretty funny, huh?

    Bobba Fett: I have an idea! I can put on makeup and pretend to be Lando!

    Qui-Gon: These police officers are pretty stupid...though not as dumb as you...

    ********************************

    C3PO (to reporters surrounding him): The Loch Ness Monster and I have been seeing each other for some 20-odd years

    Reporter: Wow! Does the Loch Ness Monster have any unusual quirks? How did you two meet?

    C3PO: Whoa there! We met at the supermarket. He needed some microwave popcorn, I needed some microwave popcorn, and destiny collided! Also his unusual quirks, he does like to strangle animals an awful lot...

    ********************************* eek.gif
     
  5. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Shmi: Oooh, first I'm going to get Burt Reynolds to do my dishes, then he has to make sweet love...

    Yoda: Own him after death, I do

    Shmi: Then we'll have to kill him...

    Mace: Can't you guys ever have a plan without murder in it? I feel so dirty whenever you guys do that

    Obi-Wan: You get used to it

    Shmi: I wonder where he is right now...

    Obi-Wan: at Burger King

    Shmi: There's only one Burger King worth Burt Reynolds...

    Yoda: On Coruscant! Let's GO!!!

    Mace: This isn't in my job description! I hope to get paid more for this, bankrupt or not!

    Everyone: SHUT UP!!!

    *****************************

    Valorum is running around in his straightjacket, biting people to death, a mad nervous wreck

    Valorum: LISTEN! IF BURT REYNOLDS GETS AHOLD OF HIS TAP SHOES, CONSIDER ALL HOPE LOST!!!

    Street Preacher: Get off my territory!!!

    Valorum: WE CAN NOT LET BURT REYNOLDS DESTROY THE GALAXY!!!

    People pass by, yawn, ignore his dire prophecy which may or may not be true...

    *********************************** tongue.gif

    In his bag, Burt Reynolds looks down at his shoes and grins an evil grin

    ********************************** confused.gif

    Boss Nass: How can anyone mistake Valorum for a woman!!!

    Dr. Nurse: How can you not?

    Boss Nass: Are you insane?

    Dr. Nurse: Are you?

    Boss Nass: I have no time for this! Change me back!

    Dr. Nurse: Sorry, I'm on vacation now, but come back in a month and I will fix you absolutely free!

    Boss Nass: A MONTH???!!!

    Dr. Nurse: We are closed now. Bye bye! (pushes Boss Nass out the door)

    Boss Nass: YOU BA$TARD!!!

    Dr. Nurse: Let's see, me: going on vacation, you: trapped in a woman's body; me: with the power to fix it, you...sorry buddy, comes up short!

    Boss Nass: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    Dr. Nurse slams the door in his face and Boss Nass has no choice but to live like he is until she comes back from vacation

    *******************************

    R2D2: I'd like all the fudge you have

    Fudge salesperson: This is a fudgeatorium. We have an awful lot of fudge

    R2D2: And I would like to buy it all

    Fudge salesperson: This is for a murder plot, isn't it?

    R2D2: As always

    Fudge salesperson: Then I can offer you a discount!

    R2D2: Oh goody!



    All along I've been spelling Boba Fett wrong (I'm a poet and I don't know it )
     
  6. Vee

    Vee Jedi Grand Master star 3

    Registered:
    Jan 16, 2000
    From my website:

    tetchy ('te-chE). adj. "Irritable or peevishly sensitive; cranky."

    Example: Because he did so all last summer, without an authority figure around to stop him, when Sam's little brother (or anyone else, really) whistles she gets very tetchy.
     
  7. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Everyone, did you all notice that Greedo from ANH is the same thing as Anakin's ugly alien friend in TPM? Same alien, same planet! Does everyone from Tatooine go evil? Is it a phenomena, I don't know
     
  8. Darth Cerberus

    Darth Cerberus Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 12, 1999
    rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif

    Didn't you hear? The rumour about Boba Fett is that he used to be Kister. Maybe Luke & Leia don't go bad because they weren't born on Tatoonine.
     
  9. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Ooh, I heard that! What a freaked up planet!!!

    Darth Vader walks into the cosmetics section of a big department store wearing sunglasses and a trench coat

    Vader(shielding his face with his hand): Um, I'd like to buy some make-up

    Snooty French Saleslady(in a loud voice): Monsieur Vader wants to buy make-up! Certainly! I suggest you start with a full skin-care...

    Vader: Um, no, I need some clown make-up

    Snooty French Saleslady: You don't want to look like a wh*re. Now look at your skin, years and years of sun damage has made you age horribly

    Vader(concerned): What? No, I look as young as ever....DEAR GOD! Huge pores, uneven skin tone...YOU MUST HELP ME!!!

    Wise guy: Hey, what's the Matrix!

    Vader crushes the guys throat from across the room and continues buying expensive skin care products

    ****************************** tongue.gif

    Obi-Wan: Here's the plan. Mace, you jump out and kill Burt Reynolds.Master Yoda will Force-whammy Burger King into giving us free food. The rest of us will hide in the bushes.

    Everyone except Mace: Sounds great!

    Mace: I have to kill Burt Reynolds?

    Shmi: He agreed!

    Everyone except Mace: Yay!

    Mace: YOU'RE ALL INSANE!!!

    Shmi:*sniff* Don't you want to know what it's like to own and control another human being?

    Mace: Can I have a raise?

    Yoda: I can give you a pack of gum

    Mace: Is it sugarless?

    Obi-Wan whacks Mace on the head with a blunt object

    Obi-Wan: The Hair Club for Men is having a sale! We can surprise him! Then he'll be so happy he can't kill enough for us!

    Everyone: Yay!

    ******************************

    Boss Nass is moping down the street when he stops in the mens bathroom

    Man: Hey sugar, what are you doing here?

    Man 2: Hey, I saw her first!

    Man 3: Hot stuff! Wanna take a stall?

    Boss Nass(an exact replica of Valorum): NOOOOOOOOOOO (runs into womens bathroom)

    Woman: AAAAAH! PERVERT!GET OUT!!! (whacks Boss Nass with her purse)

    Boss Nass runs out of the bathroom

    Boss Nass: No wonder Valorum went to the crazy bin! I really have to go to the bathroom....

    **************************** eek.gif

    C3PO is loaded with money after exploiting Boss Nass

    C3PO: Wow! Where can I go to blow all these credits.....I wish Nassy was here to share this. He'd be so...angry. So I'd better keep quiet. Now where can I go to hide...

    ****************************** rolleyes.gif

    R2D2(carrying tons of fudge): What the hell did I get myself into? Well, on with the murder plot!

    ***************************** eek.gif

    Palpatine(tapping fingers on the tree): Well, how are you guys doing?

    Burt Reynolds:HAHAHAHAHAHAHA(evil laugh)

    Palpatine: At least SOMEBODY is optimistic. How are the rest of you?

    Han is unconscious and Chewie growls threateningly, but when he sees how pretty Palpatine is, he stops and purrs
     
  10. SithAbigail

    SithAbigail Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2000
    You are very twisted, Sudafed But in a good way! Plus, i was wondering, wasn't Anakin not born on Tatoonine? (I've been here since i was very little.. 3, i think.) The Tatoonine Curse didn't have any effect on this kiddy, he was just unlucky cool.gif
     
  11. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Well that throws a wrench in my theory!

    But I have a sneaky explanation for it

    A long time before Seamy Lives (a prequel!)

    Anakin, Kitster, and the ugly green thing were soul mates as slaves. Their thoroughly disgusting relationship came to a head on a sleazy talk show (the Jerry Springer show!)

    Anakin: I want that slimy piece of worm-ridden filth...

    Jerry Springer: Kitster

    Anakin: I want Kitster to stay away from my ugly green thing!

    Jerry Springer: Well you have a chance to tell him, let's bring out Kitster!!!

    Kitster runs out and bashes Anakin with a chair. Anakin's lightsaber makes short work of the chair, but somehow, he can not find the heart to kill Kitster

    Kitster: The ugly green thing is MINE!!!

    Anakin: Hey, where was the ugly green thing last night!

    Kitster: With me!

    Anakin: No, WITH ME!!!

    Jerry Springer: Well this is a complicated situation. Let's bring out the ugly green thing!!!

    the Ugly green thing struts out and sits between Anakin and Kitster, who start fighting.

    Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Ugly green thing(to audience): You don't know me! You don't know me!

    Jerry Springer: Ugly green thing, don't you think you are using these two ?

    Ugly green thing(with a bad attitude): Jerry, I OWN their @sses!

    Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Jerry: Let's have questions from the audience...yes, you sir!

    Obi-Wan: Anakin, Padawan, you must stop this madness!

    Kitster claps wildly

    Anakin: Master, I mean no disrespect, but shut your trap and stay the hell away!

    Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Jerry Springer: Next question, yes ma'am

    Amidala: Anakin, you're too good for this trash! Kick them to the curb and find a REAL woman....

    Audience: WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Anakin: I can have myself a queen...so long ugly green thing!

    Ugly green thing: I don't need yo body...I'm becoming a bounty huntah! There! You turned me evil! How do you feel about that!

    Kitster: If you're turning evil, I'm turning evil!

    Anakin: Fine with me! The QUEEN and I say good day to you!

    Jerry Springer: Well that turned out well. And now for my final thought. Don't ever turn out like these guys

    Kitster and Ugly green thing: Hey! (jump on Jerry Springer)

    Idiots after the show: Hey Jerry, I came all the way from Alderaan just to see your show! GO JERRY!!!WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    eek.gif

    I don't think a bounty hunter's real name is Greedo-it sounds too made up, too much of a stage name
     
  12. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Triple post, a common afflction for me eek.gif confused.gif tongue.gif rolleyes.gif

    [This message has been edited by Mistress Sudafed (edited 04-17-2000).]
     
  13. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Did you all like the prequel(for Seamy Lives, not TPM ) ?

    One would think the sleazy talk show should be on sleazy ol'Alderaan, but there you go! It's on Naboo, because that swanky city needs a bit of dirt (Ha!)Even the Gungans are dignified, I need some filth!!!



    [This message has been edited by Mistress Sudafed (edited 04-17-2000).]
     
  14. Darth Cerberus

    Darth Cerberus Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 12, 1999
    <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SithAbigail:
    Plus, i was wondering, wasn't Anakin not born on Tatoonine? (I've been here since i was very little.. 3, i think.) The Tatoonine Curse didn't have any effect on this kiddy, he was just unlucky cool.gif

    Actually Anakin says that Gardulla the Hutt (or was it Jabba?) bought him and his mother when he was three - or was that sold him to Watto ???? eek.gif . So he may or may not have been born on Tatoonine. Has anyone got the new essential chronology ? Maybe it has something to say on the matter.





    [This message has been edited by Darth Cerberus (edited 04-18-2000).]
     
  15. Terana Lewani

    Terana Lewani Jedi Master

    Registered:
    Mar 11, 2000
    More. You. Must. Write. More.

    P.S.&gt;I think Valorum's first name is Finis.

    P.P.S.&gt;I am now addicted to the ****-ing Sith Academy, thanks to you people.
     
  16. Darth Cerberus

    Darth Cerberus Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 12, 1999
    Page 3??? Mistress S. (ugh! I sound like 3PO) - you're slipping! How am I suppposed to proscratinate about doing my multiple assignments when you won't post?


     
  17. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    I'll do everything I can to encourage procrastination Didn't you know I am the Queen of all procrastinators! (Queen Mistress Sudafed, it fits!)


    Darth Vader is still buying beauty products, and being really fussy about his skin

    Vader: Why am I so ugly?

    Snooty French saleslady: Must be your genes. Is the rest of your family this horrid?

    Vader: I was like a no-father freak birth

    Snooty French saleslady: That happens all the time. These immaculate births, somehow always produce unattractive people. (um, alludes to nothing)

    Vader: Can I do anything to change it???!!!

    Snooty French Saleslady: I know this great plastic surgeon named Dr. Nurse....

    Vader: Plastic surgery, huh? Can I do it before the planet explodes?

    Snooty French saleslady: You can try, but I would recommend some lovely wine stain for your lips, with are pitifully thin...

    Vader: Hold on, I'm going to buy gallons of ice cream and come back...

    Snooty French saleslady: Really, with those thighs?

    Vader cries and runs off to the nearest fudgeatorium

    ******************************

    Yoda, Obi-Wan, Shmi, and Yaddle drag Mace into the Hair Club For Men

    Obi-Wan: We want to buy this man some hair

    Hair Guy: Is he dead?

    Shmi: Does it matter if we want to buy hair for a dead guy or not? Just give us the hair!!!

    Hair Guy: If he's not dead, he can just grow it back

    Obi-Wan: Wow, I think he's on to something

    Shmi(really threateningly): We want our hair, and we want it NOW!!!

    Vader, while running to get even more fat, sees the Jedi Council in the Hair Club for men, and his mother shaking a Hair Guy

    Vader(running in): Mom, can't you at least try to blend in with normal people!

    Shmi: Mommy's busy with the hair guy...

    Vader: Remember the last guy you were busy with...

    Shmi: ANAKIN!!!

    Vader: I mean the last guy you killed! You said that was the last one you will ever do, and said I could punch you in the arm if you ever broke it!

    Shmi: He's not dead! Oh....

    Vader: You're not ugly! Why am I ?

    Obi-Wan: You're pretty hot

    Vader: Thanks! Tell the snooty French lady that

    Obi-Wan: You are fat, though

    Shmi: Monstrously fat! Honestly, how did you ever manage to snag that nice Amidala

    Vader: I don't need to take this! (to mirror) I am great, I am wonderful, and gosh darnit, people like me!

    Yoda: Who likes you?

    Vader: *sniff* Luke likes me

    Shmi: LUKE!!! (starts stranling Yoda)

    Vader: What?

    Shmi: HE LOST THE TWINS!!!

    Vader: WHAT???!!!(strangles Yoda)

    Obi-Wan: Hey, maybe we can get free hair!

    ******************************* eek.gif

    Boss Nass still has to go to the bathroom

    Boss Nass: WherecanIgowhatcanIdoooooooooohit REALLYHURTS!!!

    Valorum is strolling along, yelling out dire warnings about Burt Reynolds, when who does he come across but.......himself?

    Valorum: Why does that Dr. Nurse always turn people into me?

    *******************************

    Qui-Gon: We'll have to raise Lando from the dead

    Bobba Fett: Oh! I can dress up like him, but say I have a cold, so they won't bother me...

    Qui-Gon: How the hell are we going to bring out this dead person?

    Bobba Fett: Stuff him with a droid....

    Qui-Gon: THAT'S EXCELLENT!!! I'll chop off his eyelids so he looks alive, and you find a droid to stuff in him!!!

    Bobba Fett: You need help, man!

    Qui-Gon: No I don't!

    **************************** tongue.gif

    Palpatine: Isn't this place about to explode...Burt sweetie, how did you get out?

    Burt Reynolds just grins an evil grin, clicks his heels, and disappears

    Han: When can we watch that porn?

    Palpatine: We lost Burt Reynolds!

    Han: If you love something, set it free. I love you Chewie, so go away

    Chewie: No!

    Han: Damn

    Amidala(returning): I found these for you at the dump. They might be diseased, so I'd be careful...

    Han: Burt Reynolds is gone! So baby, you wanna...

    Amidala: Burt....GONE!!! YOU IDIOTS!!!(gets into the car and starts backing it into a brick wall to hurt the guys)

    Amidala: MEN!!!
     
  18. Darth Cerberus

    Darth Cerberus Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Sep 12, 1999
    <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mistress Sudafed:
    I'll do everything I can to encourage procrastination Didn't you know I am the Queen of all procrastinators! (Queen Mistress Sudafed, it fits!)



    Hail O Queen Mistress Procrastinating Sudafed.

    &lt;prostrates self of ground then runs away to get back to her assignments so she can graduate in July and lurk around this board for months while she's unemployed redface.gif &gt;

     
  19. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Vader(singing): Poverty stole your golden shoes...

    Shmi: Ugh! You're singing Jewel

    Vader: I love Jewel, I want to BE Jewel!

    Obi-Wan: I want to be Jewel!

    Vader: Let's take it outside, pretty boy!

    Obi-Wan: No thanks, I might get a mouthful of your flab and choke

    Shmi laughs uncontrollably

    Vader: Oh, your bony @ss could use a bit of....

    Shmi: ANAKIN!!!

    Vader: It's VADER!!!

    Obi-Wan: I'm stealing this guys hair

    Obi-Wan pulls out a knife and saws off the hair guy's scalp

    Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

    Vader: Cheer up (sings) these foolish games are

    Obi-Wan(joining in): ...tearing me apart, and your thoughtless words are...

    Yoda(joining in):....breaking my heart, they're breaking

    Shmi: You men are all freaks!!!

    Yaddle: Throw up, I'm going to

    Vader(limp wrist): Oh be nice!

    cool.gif eek.gif
     
  20. Alderaan21

    Alderaan21 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 24, 1998
    Queen of Procrastinators? HA!!!! I claimed that title long ago: Queen Naberrie, Queen of Procrastinatordom-- according to my Nightly.net profile.

    Anyhoo, I'll excuse this transgression because of this latest marvelous, as always, addition to this fanfic monument to utter psychotic twistedness.
     
  21. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    I'll be the Empress of Procrastination then, and you'll all have to serve me ("I'll bow down later" "Ok, I'll order you around after I get off the Internet" "good, I'll lie down here, no, I'll lie down later" "I'll turn off this hologram later" etc)

    Boss Nass: VALORUM!!! Wow, what a coincidence!

    Valorum: Not really. Thanks to Dr. Nurse, 1 out of 8 people on the planet look exactly like me. But they don't have the charm and grace of the real Valorum, me!

    Boss Nass: Where do you go to the bathroom?

    Valorum: I wear a diaper. I don't know what these other people do.

    Boss Nass: Too late. But I'll remember......

    Valorum(thinking he spots Burt Reynolds): BURT REYNOLDS!!! YOU BA$TARD!!! EVERYONE SAVE YOURSELVES!!!

    Guy who looks like Burt Reynolds but isn't: Huh?

    The poor guy had no time to think before Valorum jumped on him and beat the hell out of him, or tried

    Valorum: DAMNIT!!

    Boss Nass: A doughnut?

    Valorum: That's all I have

    Guy who looks like Burt Reynolds but isn't(strumming fingers, bored): Are you finished yet?

    Valorum: Not with the likes of you, Reynolds! (ties up the guy who isn't Burt Reynolds and runs away, taking Boss Nass with him because any good kidnapper knows they shouldn't leave witnesses)

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: *yawn* Is this going to take long?

    Valorum: I'm going to make sure you never hurt anone again! I'm going to kill you!!!

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: Can we stop for ice cream then?

    Valorum: Sure

    ***************************** eek.gif

    Han: Calm down, sweetcheeks, I'm sure Burt Reynolds hasn't been injured or anything because he's a celebrity

    Palpatine: Yeah, you should be searching for him instead of really hurting us!

    Amidala: Hmmmm, I'd like to do both (continues ramming car)

    Han: Queen A, there's a dead rat in my clown suit!

    Amidala: That's an ornament

    Han: But it has maggots all over it, and mold...

    Amidala(more threateningly): It's a decoration

    Han: *gulp* it's a decoration

    Amidala: Good. Now where's our make-up boy?

    *******************************

    Vader is hanging out with the Jedi Council and his mother. Actually, he is now on the run with them because of the hair guy....

    Shmi: I'm taking the hair guy's wallet

    She opens the wallet, reads the drivers license, and turns ghost white(r)

    Obi-Wan(reading the license): Marvin Mane, President of Hair Club for Men and the Interplanetary Rifle Association...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    Vader: You thug!

    Shmi: We'll have gun-toting looneys and bald guys chasing us 'till death!!!

    Yoda: Flee, we must! Consequenses we must avoid!

    Shmi(whining): What about our plan to become really famous and have lots of bodyguards!!!

    Obi-Wan: Now we're on the run from Ami, the IRA, the Hair Club for Men...

    Yaddle: And Auto World

    Everyone: What?

    Yaddle: Rolls Royce, I swapped when looking nobody was

    Shmi: How come we didn't notice that?

    Obi-Wan: But we can escape in it! My bus pass runs out today

    Yoda: Mine too. Let's go!

    Vader: Why am I even with you? I was buying make-up!

    Everyone: You were! OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!

    Vader: To scam the travel people!!!

    Everyone(teasing): Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrre!

    Shmi: Hey, grab the body and tease my son in the car!

    Obi-Wan: Which one?

    cool.gif
     
  22. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Hey, one of those dancers in Jabba's palace is one of those ugly green things!(Rodians?) Anyways, Greedo is on Tatooine, so is Jabba's place, Greedo works for Jabba...here is my theory

    During ANH, so maybe a sequel to Seamy Lives, but this is AU, so I'm very confused...

    Greedo, shot by Han Solo in the bar, has not died, but people think he is dead, and so there are death announcements in the paper and such.

    Greedo enjoys his taste of life as not a bounty hunter, but then decides that Kitster aka Bobba Fett should not have Jabba all to himself (they both know they have no chance with Anakin/Vader-he's gotten too big for such small-time thugs) So Jabba is as good as they both can get. Greedo has to sneak in Jabba's palace to get to him, and what better way than to pose as one of his skimpy dancing girls? This of course should be an indication that Jabba doesn't swing that way, but Greedo and Kitster are so caught up in getting to him and sticking it to each other that this little detail escapes them.

    Bobba Fett, much to his own horror, is surrounded by the ladies. His only though is to get to Jabba, which is why he is always pushing them on screen.

    But one girl grabs Kitsters attention-the ugly green thing girl. This makes Kitster question his own 'team' and wonder. The ugly green thing girl is also smitten with Fett, not knowing that underneath the mask lies his mortal enemy.

    They can't stand it. Jabba senses this tension and sends them on a bonding retreat in Naboo, because he wants his people united, in love, to get along, be a family. Here they shock each other by revealing their identities. They get in a big fight. Jabba now has to bail them out of the mental institution. They are separated. They are in despair. What happens then.......?

    eek.gif confused.gif eek.gif tongue.gif
     
  23. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Yaddle, being a short Yoda thing, is having a lot of trouble getting into her stolen car

    Obi-Wan: I don't see why we had to bring both bodies along

    Shmi: This way there won't be any incriminating evidence left behind

    Vader: Mom, why couldn't we just be normal people, doing normal things,...

    Shmi: Don't blame me for your ugliness, there are a lot of ugly normal people!

    Obi-Wan: You're the sexiest man I know! Don't listen to your mother!

    Yoda: Slow getaway, this is

    Yaddle: Reach the pedals, I can not!

    Vader: I hate short people

    Obi-Wan: This dead guy is starting to smell!

    Shmi: You just killed him five minutes ago!

    Obi-Wan: I found this extra-strength laxative in his pocket

    Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


    *****************************

    Bobba Fett(distressed): Must find droid to stuff in dead body...that C3PO might fit, but he's busy wh*ring himself to the media

    Qui-Gon: You sure you can't fit? Maybe if I cut off your feet you would be small enough...

    Bobba Fett: No, you keep trying to raise his spirit...

    Qui-Gon: I made his eyelids into earrings! See!(pulls back his hair to reveal Lando's eyelids hanging from hooks on each ear)

    Bobba Fett: That's it, I'm traumatized beyond belief

    Qui-Gon: Do you happen to know where I put the body then?

    ***************************** eek.gif

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: *yawn* these ropes are really scratchy! Couldn't you buy nicer ones? I hope my parking meter hasn't expired

    Valorum: We are going to throw you off a bridge!

    Boss Nass: Really, now, can't you be a little more creative?

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I'm severely disappointed!

    Valorum: Really? Well then, I'll sit down and think about it. Didn't you have to go to the bathroom?

    Boss Nass: Yeah, but I waited too long, Why do you think I made us stop off at the Perfume Quarter?

    Valorum: Eau de Toilet?

    Boss Nass: Very funny. Now I need to find a laundromat

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: You two have been tyrranized by your bladders long enough! I say boycott the bathroom, show your bladder who's the REAL boss!

    Boss Nass: I think he may have something there!

    Valorum: He's an idiot! So THIS is your fiendish plot to destroy the galaxy, eh Burt Reynolds?

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds(rolling his eyes) sarcastically)Yes, this is how I plan to destroy you all

    Valorum(excitedly): He admitted it!!!

    Boss Nass whacks Valorum on the back of the head, which causes him to drop unconscious on the floor

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: Thank you! That whining,

    Boss Nass: What a freak, eh?

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: Still, I was getting pretty attached to him

    ******************************** rolleyes.gif

    Amidala(really angry): WHERE IS HE???

    Palpatine: Please calm down, you're scaring us

    Han: I want my mommy!

    Amidala: That's it, we're leaving!

    Palpatine: What about Vader?

    Amidala: Screw him, we have to find Burt Reynolds!

    Han: You're leaving Vader? (seductive smile)

    Amidala: Hey, you're supposed to be scared of me

    Han: Anything you want, your maj...

    Amidala swerves with the intent of knocking Han unconscious but instead rams into an errant little Rolls Royce with no driver(?)in sight and two bodies in plain sight, obviously amateurs who have never had to hide and travel around with a corpse before

    Amidala: Hey, these guys need a lesson in carting around the dead-an AMIDALA LESSON

    Palpatine: Oh no, Lord Vader? You were supposed to buy make-up!

    Han: That guy has no scalp

    Amidala: Awwwwww, you wanted to get the real thing for me?

    Vader: Um, yeah!

    Amidala: How sweet!

    Obi-Wan: He's still on that tree?

    Yaddle(pulling out camera): Hello naked guy!

    Yoda: Running from the police, we are! Your car, we will have to hijack

    Amidala: Not without us

    Everyone: FINE!

     
  24. Darth Jigglypuff

    Darth Jigglypuff Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jan 9, 2000
    Yay!!! almost Everyone together !!! Post more soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *wonders how many peole Amidala will kill when she finds out what has happend to Luke and Leia*
    great work keep it up!!!
     
  25. Mistress Sudafed

    Mistress Sudafed Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Thanks, Darth Jugglypuff, for mentioning me on the favourite authors thread! Double points in my good book for you for that Pokémon name tongue.gif

    Bobba Fett: YOU LOST THE BODY???!!!

    Qui-Gon: I turned my back for two seconds, and maybe I fell asleep but I had so much wine...

    Bobba Fett: I'm going to kill myself. Yes, I am going to take this knife right here and swallow...

    Qui-Gon: I never liked you anyways

    Bobba Fett: You don't? I'm staying alive then!

    Qui-Gon: Good, you can help me look for your dead idol

    Bobba Fett: You are the sneakiest...

    Qui-Gon: I love you

    Meanwhile...

    Luke and Leia are crawling around the casino when Lando's body falls on top of them. Being really smart babies, they crawl out the door into the police blockade

    Police Officer 1: Look! It's Lando!!!

    Police Officer 2: He's ALIVE!!!

    All police officers: YAY!!!!

    ***************************** rolleyes.gif

    Obi-Wan: Move over

    Han: Whose hand is that? Ami?!OWWWWWWW

    Vader: No, it's mine!

    Shmi: Shouldn't we put the bodies on the bottom and sit on them? That would be the best

    Amidala: Shut up! I can't stand you!

    Obi-Wan: Nobody can stand her!

    Shmi: I'll kill you BOTH!!!

    Yoda: Too many bodies, we have

    Amidala: One more won't hurt. HEY! I'M DRIVING!!!

    Palpatine: PLEASE don't let her drive!!! You'll be sorry!!!

    Yaddle: Listen to that sexy naked guy

    Palpatine shudders

    Shmi: Why is he naked on a tree in the first place? HOW can a tree get in...

    Amidala: Will someone shut her up?

    Vader: Hey, lay off my mom

    Shmi: OW!!!(drops unconscious)

    Everyone looks at Vader with a frying pan in his hand, shocked

    Vader: What the hell are you looking at?


    ******************************* eek.gif

    Boss Nass and the guy who isn't Burt Reynolds are dragging Valorum's body to the dump, because they figure nobody will miss him. Unfortunately, they are wrong.

    the REAL Burt Reynolds: Before I destroy the galaxy, I have to find Valorum and tell her I love her, then I'll destroy her, but she'll know she is loved

    eek.gif

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: I have a special place in this dump where I put all my bodies. This is my favourite hiding spot. All those other places, fugeddaboutit

    Boss Nass: Well, a dump is rather OBVIOUS, isn't it?

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: You'd be surprised. I tried to get the Senator Palpatine look, but came out looking like Burt Reynolds

    Boss Nass: Dr. Nurse?

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: Who else? You'd think after all that morphine she couldn't move for months and....

    Boss Nass: What?

    Guy who isn't Burt Reynolds: Didn;t you know? She was in a mental hospital for 10 years and paraded as a surgeon before she was caught yesterday...

    Boss Nass: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

    *****************************

    R2D2: Alright, I am going to load Bobba Fett so full of fudge that he will have a heart attack...no, that's dumb...I'm going to drown him in fudge...no, I'll go with the heart attack idea. Hello, what's this?

    R2D2 looks at the TV where C3PO is bragging about his love affair with the Loch Ness Monster

    R2D2(growing angry): He HAS ANOTHER LOVER???!!! I'LL KILL HIM!!!
     
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