By: Hopeful Writer Time Frame: The Original Trilogy Characters: Han Solo - Leia Organa - C3PO Genre: Humor Han and Leia are finally married and C3PO goes with them on their honeymoon. What tales the droid returns with! "Oh, Artoo, it is SO good to be back." Threepio sighed to his counterpart as he entered the droid room. "I feel as though I could shut down my circuits for a week," "Weeble omph pzhew." "Yes, I missed you, too. There's been so much excitement lately, what with the victory of the Rebellion and the wedding." "Zoot bip bip, nimn?" "Did I ENJOY the trip? Really, Artoo, that word has positively no relationship to the journey. I hope I NEVER again have to accompany Mistress Leia and General, uh, Captain Solo on that thing called a 'honeymoon'". "Meep lop ep uha noy." "Of COURSE I'm confused. You'd be too if you had been the one required to go with them. Oh, everything went so well...the wedding, the reception, the preparations for departure...until we were gone." "Vema squitch pmig?" "What was the problem?!? Artoo, you are ignorant of what you ask. The first problem was how Her Highnes explained to the Captain the reason I was going with them. She had the nerve to tell him I was needed to carry their luggage. Can you comprehend that, Artoo? A droid of my station, reduced to performing lowly tasks that any uncertified collection of rattling metal could do. Did she once take into consideration all the time spent in programming me for diplomatic and protocol duties? Why...I should be in the service of high-ranking members of the Universal Parliament......" "Ping nimo dip argh." "Oh, yes, well.....getting back to the story; that didn't sit too well with the General. He threatened to space me if I interefered just once...though I've no idea what I wasn't supposed to interfere IN. Really, they expect me to read their minds! I'm only a droid, after all. He relented, but only after I heard her whisper that they could always shut me down. I have NEVER been so insulted! How am I supposed to perform my duties if I'm shut down? I'm programmed as translator and instructor, and the planet we were headed was...." "VEEPWOOM! Omph beepow?" "I don't KNOW what happened on the flight. They shut me down." 'BLZZZZzzzz." "Artoo, you had best learn to watch your language!" "Pefeep, zoot, dit?" "Once we got to Eden Pyxis, the accommondations were superb. Oh such magnificence! The architecture of the Bysanth Era was absolutely breathtaking. Did you know everything the Bysantines built was never secured by braces, mortor or adhesive? It was all held together by the gravitational pull and air pressure of the planet. Those eternal building have stood for ages......" "Nip wha lat umphy?" "Stop interrupting me, Artoo." "Wee, diple zimpa plooosh!" "Well, you SHOULD be interested. How are you ever going to expand your techinical tapes if all you concern yourself with are the life beings adventures?' "Pshez vheaazrk." "I was just trying to spice up an otherwise unexciting trip with a few facts. Even Capta...uh... General...oh, it is so hard to know what to call him these days!. "I'm used to Captain and he still IS the Captain of the MILLENNIUM FALCON, but the Alliance made him a General, and since he married the Princess, even 'Prince' would be an applicable title, but when I called him that, he gave me a terrible look and said it made him feel like a member of the Kesnine species, and that if I ever called him that again he would change the positions of my head and feet because they only thing my head was good for was standing on....." 'YYYIIIWWWI!" "I didn't find it funny." "Lema mep so quen?" "On my goodness, NO, Artoo! I certainly could NOT just call him 'HAN'. How improper, why, Her Highness would have me melted down for being so disrespectful." Oom wip loo pip." "You are certainly being nosy about this trip, Artoo. It's not polite to pry." "Lena meep?" "Well, actually, I wasn't allowed to be with them most of the time. The General wouldn't let me into their suites. I had to stay in the corridor outside, and he practically kept Her Highness a prisoner! They left only to attend the state dinner she insisted on." "Mip tee zziw pousk?" "Why, yes...as a matter of fact, Captain Solo did get rather angry about the dinner. He was furious that she dared to trick him into diplomatic business on their honeymoon. I can't see his reason for such hostilitiy..diplomatic affairs are always high-ranking priorities in the lives of...." "Wmi zep blip oop?" "Do you always have to ask such irrelevant questions? 'TTT eee." "They served odacca, a highly spiced framp, beverages of all kinds, trays and trays of kobishes and the most magnificent three-tiered spiral sposh. Oh, Artoo....to have taste buds! Life beings do have quite a few advantages over us, you know. But, I'm proud to say that , aside from a few quadra-linguals, I was able to understand every smattering of conversatin that was uttered at our table." "Zebe neiap omph whel?" "Yes...In my most formal and diplomatic tones, I translated quite a bit of information for Her Highness and the General. Well...there WAS one incident I didn't translate." "Blee hap ne a kie?" "Oh, Artoo, if I tell you,.....you must promise NEVER to repeat it." "Zee bomp." "There was this one...very...ah...inquisitive official's wife. She apparently loved every edible at the feast and she insisted on trying other foods that were especially prepared for the off-world guests. She snitched a morsel from the Captain's plate and gave him a smile. He instructed me to tell her some of the most insulting and embarrassing remarks he could think of. Why, it would have started an intergalactic incident!" "Hiz lop pingwa?" "No, I am NOT going to repeat them to you. Just listening to them nearly shorted my circuits." "Weeble bee pow?" "I told her the Captain said he felt most honored that such a gracious and beautiful lady as herself would choose something from his plate." "DIple, squitch ploosh." "There was no way he could have known what I was saying; I spoke in Napeleese. Though... he did give me a curious look when the lady didn't get upset. The dinner guests lingered over their drinks and discussed important galactic matters for quite some time. It was a truly enlightening evening....." "Dit bit." "Well, the Princ...uh..Captain, became quite restless listening to all the strategic ploys. Actually, I think they were beyond his capacities..." "Pwinga?" "He became so bored, he finally just got up, grabbed Mistress Leia and me by our arms...and ushered us, not too gently mind you...from the dining hall. Oh, Artoo, many of the politicans were insulted by such abrupt behavior! I apologized in every conceivable language until I was jerked from the room. The Princess showed admirable restraint; she only fumed at his apalling behavior." "Zoo bip bip?" "The General said he did it because they had better things to do than to sit and listen to a group of stuffy diplomats he didn't come to see in the first place. I can't imagine what 'better things' he had in mind..they only went back to their rooms...They had a big argument, and the Princess finally threw him out of their suite!" "Weema pzhew nimn." " Don't anticipate me, Artoo, I'm going to tell you the rest. The Captain refused to take a room elsewhere and chose to sleep in the hall by their door. He said he was going to embarrass Her Highnes to the passersby. He certainly embarrassed ME with all that yelling and pounding on the door. He said sleeping in a hallway with a talkative, gold plated droid wasn't his idea of an exciting honeymoon. Honestly, Artoo, sleep is sleep, whether with me or with Mistress Leia." "Loza ne hez wheee." "What do you mean..'it depends on one's preference?'". "Nit dit zeee wop." "I am NOT naive! In any case, the next morning, he brought her an apology gift. An Eden Pyxis mating plant. "Pmig wee!" "'Right move'! what are you talking about? Have you ever seen an Eden Pyxis mating plant? Well, I hadn't but I certainly learned about them. They're vine like and grow very rapidly. The legend on the pot stated it would multiply the love of the one who received it - so much for legends. The Princes was appeased for while, but I personally don't think their fighting will ever end. She gave me the care of the plant - can you imagine that? Me? I am not a botanical droid. I may be versed in six million forms of communication, but the care of plant forms is another matter altogether. They have to be tended with water and nutrients in exact amounts so that..." "Flaghspt." "Artoo, where are you going? Don't you know it is rude to walk away when someone is talking to you?" "Zit, Zit." "But, Artoo, there is more....." 'BLAMPH." "It is all TRUE...I am not fabricating any of this...Artoo.....ARTOOOOoooo,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.