main
side
curve
  1. Welcome to the new boards! Details here!

Saga Too Sexy For My Empire [Halloween challenge response] - humour with Palpatine

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Pelly-Welly, Oct 21, 2005.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Pelly-Welly

    Pelly-Welly Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Jan 10, 2004
    VOTED BEST RESPONSE TO A CHALLENGE, Saga Winter Fanfiction Awards 2006
    Title: Too Sexy For My Empire
    Author: Pelly-Welly
    Timeframe: During ANH
    Characters: Palpatine
    Genre: Humour/gross mental images
    Keywords: Palpatine
    Summary: In response to the Halloween Challenge found [link=http://boards.theforce.net/Fan_Fiction_Resource/b10304/21882040/?66]here[/link]
    Notes: Warning: do not eat while reading. It's PG, but the mental images you get from this might scar you for life. You have been warned. Thanks to Cobranaconda for beta-ing.
    Disclaimer: I don't own SW. Except Thrawn's throne. I own that, kthxbye.
    Palpatine walked around in front of the mirror he?d set up in his quarters. Damn, he was SEXY! [i]Yesssss,[/i] he thought. [i]Just look at that tight butt. Oh yeah baby, I?m workin? that butt! [/i]
    He ripped open his robes and growled at his oh so sexy image in the mirror. He ran his hands over the old, flabby skin on his head and growled. He was one hot Sith. One flaming hot Sith. ?I am a sexy beast.? He growled at his own image.
    Turning around, he lightly smacked his own butt, watching how the skin flabbered deliciously. Ooooh! He should only wear tight leather pants from now on to show that delicious flabby skin. Leather pants, and a tight white shirt, one that would also show his chest. Or perhaps?

    Of course! Why bother with clothes? He was so much sexier if he?d wear only a leather strap around his neck. And of course, he?d need to have a whip. He didn?t exactly know why, but it seemed to go well with his hot body.

    Wow! He was too hot to handle!

    *Knock Knock* Palpatine looked up from caressing his butt. Gee. Who dared to disturb him right when he was admiring his own sexiness? ?Come in? he said, shivering at the sexiness that was his voice.

    ?My Emperor, I?ve got a report for you on the current situation at the Death Star. It seems Tarkin has? AAAARGH!? Grand Admiral Thrawn had come in and had turned an interesting shade of green (quite some thing to do for someone with blue skin) Thrawn backed off, panting, his entire body shaking. Palpatine smiled. [i]Ah, yes,[/i] he thought. [i]Just seeing me got Thrawn out of breath? [/i]
    He walked to Thrawn, sexily swaying his hips. He made a low purring sound and licked his lips. ?You want some of this sexy Sith, no?? he said. He lifted an eyebrow, and giggled, slowly walking closer to Thrawn, who appeared to be in shock. ?I can be the naughty Emperor; my pretty Grand Admiral?How would you like that? I bet you?ll love it, no??
    Thrawn made an odd squeaking sound and ran away crying hysterically.

    Palpatine sighed. Yet again, someone was unable to handle the sexiness that was him. He walked back to the mirror. Gods, he was SO sexy. He ran his hands over his (old, flabby) chest down to his (old, flabby) stomach. Some skin got peeled off and fell on the floor, which just added to the extreme sexiness. He slid his hands down further. [i]Hmm, Perfection.[/i] He?d lately taken to admiring the scraps of skin that had fallen off. They looked very good, and he was thinking of selling them. So everybody could have a piece of Palpatine Sexy in the house. Enjoyment for the entire family! That was another brilliant idea. He wasn?t just a pretty boy, mind you! Oh no, he had brains!

    He smiled and started kissing his image in the mirror. Oh yes. He was so sexy. Oh Force. He started licking his own mirror-image. [i]Hmm.[/i] Oh Force. He should clone himself. Spread perfection all over the galaxy. He could create huge (anatomically correct!) nude statues of himself, too?That?d look very good in front of the Imperial Palace on Coruscant. People would worship him and accept him as the new God of All That Is Sexy. They?d make sacrifices and all.

    *Knock Knock* Palpatine stopped licking the mirror and turned around. Great. Really, it was great to be so sexy and all, but the fans were starting to get annoying. He recently had stared a website with an interesting collection of nude pictures (i>
     
  2. Feng_Huang

    Feng_Huang Jedi Master star 2

    Registered:
    Apr 17, 2005
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
    that was a bit too much, thank heaven Mara didn't happen to be around, she'd be scarred forever, enjoy your halloween [face_skull] after reading this, disguising after the Emperor doesn't sound so scary
     
  3. Lola64

    Lola64 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 10, 2005
    Hilarious Pelly-Welly.[face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Just seeing the title I had to come in and read it.

    Thank the Force my breakfast hasn't arrived yet. I might not even eat it until lunch.

    I Wish You a Palpy Christmas

    Save that, in case there's an Xmas Challenge. I can see him singing that around the Imperial Palace.[face_laugh]

    OH MY SWEET HOLY DARK SIDE!

    Hearing that and thinking of Vader in his dark cape so reminded me of Adam West in Batman.

    *and a plot bunny is born*

    This was amazingly funny. Fantastic job. =D=

     
  4. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Community Squirrel Whisperer star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Jul 7, 2000
    That was all sorts of wrong Pelly-Welly. [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Actually, seening Sidious ke that may have very well killed the young Empire before it started.
     
  5. Pelly-Welly

    Pelly-Welly Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Jan 10, 2004
    Thank you, thank you *bows* [:D]

    Feng_Huang: Hmm, I could put Mara in...Thanks for reading and replying ^_^
    Lola64: Thank you :D. I know, this fic does murder to the appetite...
    Healer_Leona: I know, it was very wrong. I am actually sort of frightened at the things my mind comes up with :p. Thanks for replying :)
     
  6. Kynstar

    Kynstar Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Mar 2, 2004
    Ahhh man! Talk about being scarred for life!! [face_sick] You were not kidding!! [face_laugh]

    Great!!! Juz loved it!! Poor Admiral...and Vader too! [face_laugh]
     
  7. Anakins_Force

    Anakins_Force Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 3, 2005
    OMG I just laughed harder than I ever have I think!


    Palpatine sighed. Yet again, someone was unable to handle the sexiness that was him. He walked back to the mirror. Gods, he was SO sexy. He ran his hands over his (old, flabby) chest down to his (old, flabby) stomach. Some skin got peeled off and fell on the floor, which just added to the extreme sexiness. He slid his hands down further. Hmm, Perfection. He?d lately taken to admiring the scraps of skin that had fallen off. They looked very good, and he was thinking of selling them. So everybody could have a piece of Palpatine Sexy in the house. Enjoyment for the entire family! That was another brilliant idea. He wasn?t just a pretty boy, mind you! Oh no, he had brains!


    This reminds me Goldmember from Austin Powers III--the little bits of skin especially.

    GREAT JOB THAT WAS HILARIOUS!
     
  8. EmpressOfTheChiss

    EmpressOfTheChiss Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Mar 2, 2005
    *imagines Palpy in tight leather pants*

    GAH, MY BRAIN! *runs and hides*

    lol, great job Pelly. Poor Thrawny though *comforts Thrawn*
     
  9. ThePariah

    ThePariah Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 24, 2003
    When I saw the title of this, what first sprang to mind was a potential "Palpatease" (Palpatine striptease). Much to my horror...this ficlet outdid that impression. [face_plain]













    It's not easy to laugh and barf at the same time. [face_sick] :_| [face_laugh] [face_sick]
     
  10. LilyHobbitJedi

    LilyHobbitJedi Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Aug 29, 2005
    Wow that was disturbing. *Runs from mental images of Palpatine in the buff*
     
  11. Kavic_Toth

    Kavic_Toth Manager Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 9, 2002
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Thanks for the link, Pelly! That was awesome!!

    ?My Master, I?ve got the reports on? OH MY SWEET HOLY DARK SIDE!?

    Greatest. Line. Evah!!
     
  12. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    I was SO glad I had not eaten yet when I read this! [face_sick]

    Brilliant, but oh my! [face_sick] [face_sick]

    Okay, you get the picture! :D

    Loved it! =D=
     
  13. _ThatJediScum_

    _ThatJediScum_ Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 28, 2005
    I'm sitting here trying to drink my coffee while reading this and had to give up after reading ?I am a sexy beast.? It was just too much for me to handle!

    The funniest part, Palpy decomposing while musing over how sexy he is. And he got Vader running for the hills! This is too much for me!

    bran

     
  14. Cobranaconda

    Cobranaconda Jedi Grand Master star 7

    Registered:
    Mar 3, 2004
    As someone who has read both versions of this fic, it gets me in stitches every time :p
     
  15. Bastet

    Bastet Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 30, 1999
    Today, he?d start a new campaign. He?d replace all statues on Coruscant by nude statues of himself. :eek:

    Only with his nudity, could he create order and stability. [face_sick]

    So now we know the real reason why the Rebellion was so desperate to overthrow the Empire. [face_laugh] ;)

     
  16. MirandaFair

    MirandaFair Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 13, 2005
    I thought this was going to be a songfic..."I'm too sexy for..." lol!

    Hilarious. Disturbing. All too wrong.

    =D= [face_not_talking] [face_sick] :eek: [face_sick] ;)
     
  17. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 9, 2002
    LOL!!!!

    I'm amused and horrified all at once! Great idea for a halloween fic.

    ?My Master, I?ve got the reports on? OH MY SWEET HOLY DARK SIDE!? LOL, best reaction of all time!
     
  18. Falcon

    Falcon Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Feb 7, 2002
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    My Master, I?ve got the reports on? OH MY SWEET HOLY DARK SIDE!? [/l]

    ROTFLMAO
     
  19. light-

    light- Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Oct 8, 2005
    They looked very good, and he was thinking of selling them.

    o_O *scratches chin in wonder*
     
  20. DarthBreezy

    DarthBreezy Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jun 4, 2002
    All I can say is


    [image=http://img1.imageshack.us/img1/2596/Palpatease.jpg]


    (With Full balme to the Gold Palpy society)
     
  21. Falcon

    Falcon Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Feb 7, 2002
  22. Ladynaye

    Ladynaye Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    May 24, 2005
  23. Shackleton

    Shackleton Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 16, 2004
    ?My Master, I?ve got the reports on? OH MY SWEET HOLY DARK SIDE!?

    That right there is pure GOLD!! (pun fully intended :D) Excellent story Pelly!! You certainly did a great job! [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
     
  24. KELIA

    KELIA Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 26, 2005
    ?I am a sexy beast.? He growled at his own image.

    [face_sick] [face_sick] [face_sick] [face_sick]

    *runs off screaming for her mother*

    Hysterically funny

    =D= =D= =D= =D=
     
  25. AzulSaber

    AzulSaber Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Sep 15, 2005
    [face_sick] [face_laugh] :_| [face_sick]

    Disturbingly hilarious! I don't think I've ever laughed so much reading about Palpatine. Or wanted to gouge out my eyes as much either.

    Great job! [face_laugh]
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.