Saga Torn between Love and Duty - a diary of a Jedi Padawan - Complete

Title: Torn Between Love and Duty
Author: FarraSti
Timeframe: AOTC through to Revenge of the Sith
Characters: Farra Sti (POV) Anakin Skywalker
Genre: Romance
Summary: Farra keeps a journal about her growing feelings for Padawan Skywalker which eventually turn into romance despite romance being forbidden by the Jedi.

01.01.07
Well its happened. Anakin has finally kissed me even though kissing is strictly forbidden for Jedi. I was on my way to get something to eat when I ran into Anakin and we collided resulting in us both hitting the ground hard. I apologized straight away of course.
"That?s ok there was no harm done. I'm fine" Anakin told me.
Then he smiled at me with that killer smile of his. It made me want to melt inside. Of course I couldn't do that though.
"So where were you off to?" I asked him, having noticed that he was obviously heading somewhere himself.
"Obi Wan asked me to deliver a message to Tok Hin, another Padawan for him" Anakin told me.
"And why didn't you notice me before we collided"

Anakin blushed red before admitting to me that he had been thinking about me. It's no secret to me that he has feelings for me. I've seen the way he looks at me and I know he has seen how I look at him. I know he knows that I like him too. I mean he's so handsome and seems to be getting more handsome every day. I've known him since he was 9 and of late I can't get him out of my mind. I know its wrong but I just can't stop thinking about him. Thank goodness Ploon hasn't said anything but I'm sure he has noticed how I look at Anakin sometimes. I don't think Obi Wan has noticed anything either. Anakin told me he thinks I'm getting more and more beautiful. I know I have become a woman and that I AM good looking. But as a Jedi beauty isn't important to me. Anakin then asked me to go with him to find Tok Hin. Of course I had to get permission from Ploon first.
"I will need to get permission from my Master before I go" I said.
"I will wait here," Anakin told me.

I hurried off and found Ploon.
"Master, Anakin Skywalker has invited me to go with him to find Tok Hin to pass on a message from Obi Wan to him. May I have permission to go with him?" I asked.
"You may go but don't be too long. I wish to do some training exercises with you later" Ploon told me.
"I will be back as soon as I can," I promised.
I excused myself and hurried back to where Anakin was.
"I can go," I told him.
To be honest I was extremely happy that I could go with Anakin. And I did not miss his smile when I told him I could go. The two of us quickly made our way out of the Jedi Temple and found Tok Hin out on the streets of Coruscant. Anakin delivered the message and we headed back to the temple.

Just before we reached the Temple Anakin put his hand on my shoulder.
"I would like a moment before we go in. There is something I must tell you" Anakin told me.
I stopped and turned to face Anakin curious about what it might be.
"Farra I know this is wrong but I have feelings for you. I am deeply attracted to you and I like you a lot" Anakin told me.
I knew it!
"I've feelings for you too Anakin and I also know it is wrong" I said.
What was I saying? This could only go in one direction and that direction was a dangerous one. I looked at Anakin and he was smiling, his blue eyes radiating love.
"What if they weren't to know about how we feel about each other" Anakin asked me, "It can be our secret" he ended.
"Ploon already knows we are attracted to each other. He has seen how we look at each other" I admitted.
"Will he know if we act on our feelings?" Anakin asked me.
"I don't know" I have to admit.
Anakin smiles and steps forward. Placing a hand on my cheek he drops his head and gently guides my lips to his then kisses me. Yes KISSES me. Fireworks go up and down my spine, as his kiss is heavenly.
'Oh to hang with the rules' I think and wrapping my arms around Anakin's neck I pull him closer deepening the kiss.

Eventually we come up for air and draw apart.
"Wow Farra that was.. that was intense" Anakin told me.
"We better

 

Hmmm...i wonder if Ploon will find out

Nice start!

 

In Destined he does find out but then is killed on Geonosis. So that is what will happen as this is Farra's POV of the events in Destined.

 

02.01.07
I can't believe it. Anakin SNUCK into my room last night to see me. To see ME. I was awakened by the sound of my door handle turning and then as I watched, the door opened. When Anakin came in I wasn't sure who it was so I reached for my lightsaber, which was as usual right next to my bed. A Jedi must be ready to defend themselves at all times even when they are sleeping as one can never tell when an attack might occur. As I watched I could tell that my uninvited visitor was a male and I tightened my grip on my lightsaber ready to ignite it to defend myself. As my visitor got closer to my bed the moonlight slanting in from between my curtains hit his face revealing him to be Anakin.
"What in Sith's name are you doing here?" I hissed at him, trying to keep my voice down.
If anyone should find him in my room he was as good as expelled from the Order. It was one of their strictest rules that members of the opposite sex were not permitted in each other's room after we had gone to bed. And even during the day if we had a visitor of the opposite sex we must leave our room's door open. In fact I was as good as expelled from the order myself if we were caught.
"I had to see you again. I can't stop thinking about you" Anakin told me, his voice husky.
"If they find you in here we will be expelled from the Order. You must leave at once," I told him.

I expected him to leave but he sat down on my bed and I realized he hadn't got the message.
"Please Anakin you must go. I don't want either of us being expelled from the Order," I said.
Anakin leant forward and I knew what he intended to do.
"Anakin no. This can't happen" I said.
"I know what you want. What we both want," Anakin told me.
"We can't have a relationship. You know that as well as I do," I said sternly.
"I think about you every day Farra. I want to be with you" Anakin said.
"And what about Padme. I know she has been watching you," I said.
"Ever since I met you it's been you I've thought about. I can't explain it but there is this deep feeling inside me" Anakin said.
"I bit my lip. I didn't know what to say, as I knew Anakin knew that I thought about him every day as well. Looking at Anakin I was torn by indecision. Could I? Should I?
"I know you think about me too," Anakin said softly.
"Look Ani, I can't allow this to happen" I began, only to be cut off by Anakin's lips on mine.
He kissed me deeply and again fireworks shot up and down my spine and a warm tingly feeling passed through me.

When we came up for air I smiled at Anakin and the next thing I knew I had pulled him close, crashing my lips against his. I wanted to taste him again and didn't care about my oaths to the Jedi right then.
"I know this is right" Anakin told me after we'd broken the kiss, "We've been friends for a long time and this is a natural progression"
"What about our Jedi vows. Jedi do not love" I admonished him.
?I think there are things our Masters are mistaken about. Shouldn?t it be our intentions when using the force that are important? Not our emotions. Our emotions may dictate our intentions but only if we let them? Anakin told me.
I thought for a moment and could see the wisdom in what Anakin was saying but I couldn't see how it could be possible for the other Masters to accept this new idea about the good and bad side of the Force.
?I would agree with you Anakin but our Masters will not agree? I told Anakin.
?I know? Anakin said.
We spent the next two hours talking and kissing before Anakin returned to his own room.

This morning we had lightsaber training and I was paired with Anakin. Just seeing him bought back a rush of pleasure from what had happened last night. Yoda was taking our class and was watching each pair of us dueling. We had to watch as well of course but it was hard to watch with Anakin by my side. Finally it was our turn to duel and Yoda called our names. We moved to the front of the class and ignited our lightsabers. Circling one another we began dueling, our lightsabers clashing with loud hums and bright flashes of light. Suddenly I

 

Great idea to do a diary for Farra. I like the way you show her alternating between what she has been taught and what she is feeling. It makes you realise just how hard it must have been for those poor little Jedi teenagers.

'Oh to hang with the rules' I think and wrapping my arms around Anakin's neck I pull him closer deepening the kiss.
LOL - you go girl. So typically teenage.

I giggled at poor old Anakin losing his ability to duel. It makes you wonder if Yoda knew what the problem was - LOL.

I'm curious to know if the two of them are going to get caught out.

 

Interesting idea... a A/OC ship is not a bad thing... actually quite welcome! (Everyone knows how much I hate cannon!) Great start!

I would ask to be on the PM list, but DRL is so crazy right now that I think I'm going to have to waltz in whenever I get a second but rest assured that I will! *Is bludgeoned with idea of doing a diary*

AF

Edit: I accidentally posted under my sock- you'll have to forgive me!

 

I intend to update once a week as this challenge is meant to last for a whole year.

 

04.01.07
After much soul searching I decided that I must MUST avoid Anakin and focus on our studies. It would be impossible for us to have a relationship, as the Jedi would never allow it. I wish Anakin would see that. Unfortunately he snuck into my room again to see me. I didn't know what to do and when he sat down on my bed I asked if Obi Wan had said anything to him today.
"Yes he did. He saw us in the garden dell. Saw us kissing. I'm guessing that he told Ploon from your asking me about it"
"I know. Ploon spoke to me also," I said.
It was after Anakin commented that he thought Obi Wan had told Ploon that I realized that was indeed what must have taken place. Darn him!
"We cannot allow this to continue. I cannot jeopardize my future here" I said.
Anakin looked down and I could see the hurt in his eyes.
"Please Farra don't say that" Anakin said, his voice cracking.
"Well what else can we do? We'll be expelled if we carry on like this," I said.
"We need to convince our Masters that what we talked of the other night is right," Anakin said.
He tipped my head up and moved to kiss me. I hesitated but even though my mind was screaming at me to stop what was going to happen I allowed Anakin to meet my lips with his. I had no idea why I had allowed him to kiss me but deep inside I knew it was right.

 

Poor Farra - she wants to do what's right, and yet the question as to what IS right for her is impossible for her to figure out with all those hormones racing round. I can feel her ambivalence. I'm sure Anakin is more interested in feeling other things though! LOL

Aha - so Obi is on to them is he? Whoops!

Curious to see what happens next.

 

11.01.07
It's been a week since Ploon and Obi Wan spoke to Anakin and I. I have been doing my best to avoid Anakin and not encourage him. He hasn't snuck into my room again as I told him that I wanted that to stop. I wanted him to stop coming to my room and to do it for me.
"If you love me you'll respect my wishes" I said.
Anakin had finally given in and it has been a relief not to have him coming to my room at night. Really it was only a matter of time before his nightly visits would be discovered. Of course he still tried to get me alone and it was with reluctance that I had pushed him away each time. However today we had no choice but to work together. Our Masters were asked to go to Tatooine to settle a dispute and of course we had to tag along too. I was not thrilled about having to spend time with Anakin, as I knew his thoughts would be on me the whole time. During the journey to Tatooine our Masters instructed us to stay in the back while they would be up front.
"Are you sure that it would be wise to leave them alone?" Obi wan had asked Ploon.
"Farra has demonstrated to me that she is not encouraging Anakin" Ploon said.
"Alright then. But don't say I didn't warn you" Obi Wan said.

Of course Anakin was delighted that we were left alone.
"We are alone Farra. This is our chance," he had said eagerly.
"Anakin I don't wish to discuss this again" I had said firmly.
"No one will know" Anakin told me.
"Our Masters will sense what is going on back here," I said.
"They'll be concentrating on flying this bucket. We are quite safe" Anakin told me.
"Anakin I?" I began only to be cut off by Anakin's lips against mine.
By the Force it felt good to be kissed by him again. And Anakin sensed this, intensifying the kiss as he did so. When we came up for air Anakin smiled at me.
"See Farra this IS what you want. We can make this work. We just have to be careful not to be found out again. We must make Obi Wan and Ploon believe we are carrying out their instructions"

I looked down trying to hide my feelings from Anakin. He tipped my head up and met my lips with his again. Suddenly something broke inside me and I yanked Anakin close, devouring his lips with mine.
"Alright we can try this," I said, "As long as we aren't caught"
Anakin smiled and kissed me to seal our decision. When we came up for air we sat together my left hand in Anakin's right, our fingers entwined. When we landed on Tatooine and we heard Obi Wan coming to the back we quickly dropped hands.
"Did you have a good trip Padawans? I trust nothing untoward happened back here.
He looked at us both and for a moment I could swear he had sensed what had gone on. My fears were allied though when Obi Wan returned to the front of the ship without saying anything more.
"My word Anakin I really thought he'd sensed something," I said.
"I know. My heart skipped a beat too," Anakin said.
We followed our Masters off the ship occasionally sneaking a glance at each other. Anakin and I were quickly told to stay with the ship and that our Masters could handle things. I was about to protest and ask to go along when Anakin shot me a look and I realized that he wanted us to be left alone. I didn't say anything and we watched as our Masters left. When they had gone Anakin grinned.
"Alone again at last" he said.
I smiled and then we fell into each other's arms and kissed.

 

Ah! So sweet.

Like the diary and rebellious Jedi Padawans.

 

Ooh - I have a feeling that the masters DO know what is going on. They didn't come down in the last rain. But I love the way Anakin is so totally convinced he has them fooled - that is so like him to be so cocky. Naughty lad.

 

01.02.07
Over the last few weeks Anakin and I have managed to see each other each day. We have had to pick and choose our times carefully but it is always a delight to be with each other. I now see that Anakin is right. We are meant to be together. He also continues to sneak in at night. Two weeks ago we had a very close call. He was sitting on my bed and we were kissing intently when we heard footsteps.
"Quick under my bed" I hissed.
Anakin scrambled under my bed just before Aayla Secura, a female Jedi Master came in.
"Is everything ok Farra?" she asked me, "I thought I heard you talking to someone"
"I?m fine," I said, desperately praying that Anakin wouldn't sneeze and give himself away.
Aayla nodded and headed for the door.
"Good night Farra" she said.
"Night" I said.

After she'd gone Anakin came out from under my bed.
"Whew that was a close one," he said.
I giggled then regained my composure.
"Are you going back to your room now?" I asked.
"I don't think so," Anakin said, cupping my jaw in his hand.
I smiled as he began placing a series of kisses on my jaw line.
"You've got such beautiful skin and eyes," he murmured.
I found Anakin's lips with mine and kissed him intently wanting the kiss to go on forever. After what seemed like an eternity we came up for air.
Anakin smiled at me.
"I am liking this a lot," he said.
He kissed me again.
Eventually he had to return to his room and I went to sleep. Not surprisingly my dreams of late have been about Anakin and I?m sure his have been of me.

After that close call we were even more careful not to be seen together except if we were in a class that we shared. Even then I tried not to sit next to Anakin, as I knew my face might give us away. I also have had to guard my thoughts very closely as has Anakin. Thankfully we have not had to go on any more missions together and that has made things considerably easier. Its so exciting being part of a secret relationship. Some of the other Padawans have begun to suspect something but we aren't telling them as they may go running to their Masters and blab to them. That?s the last thing we need. Anakin is so dreamy and I know I am one lucky Padawan. But it could all go wrong and we know that is a reality we have to be constantly aware of. But for now I shall enjoy being Anakin's girlfriend. That?s right his girlfriend. He told me last night in my room that I am officially his secret girlfriend. I felt all warm and tingly inside and I love how I feel around Anakin. I just had to kiss him and show him my appreciation of that comment. Then we had an all out tickling war, which is something we've started doing lately. It?s a lot of fun and I've learnt all of Anakin's most ticklish places and he's learnt all of mine. Stay tuned for more!!

 

Aha - so they've reached the tickle stage. I love Farra's earnest tone - it's kind of sweet. And you make a good point about having to mask thoughts. It must be hard for Jedi tohave secrets. Imagine the trouble a Jedi would have to go to hide having an affair. LOL It would probably drive them mad.

Just as well Farra cleans under her bed. If it was our house the poor bloke would have been lying in about 2 inches of dust.

Great update.

 

01.03.07
Another quiet month has passed at the temple. At least it was quiet until Siri Tachi caught Anakin in my room with me. She is a close friend of Obi Wan and had come in to see why she could hear voices in my room. And this time Anakin didn't have time to hide.
"Just what is going on in here?" Siri asked, "I hope it's not what I think it is"
"Anakin and I are not sleeping together," I said.
"He shouldn't be in here and you should know that," Siri admonished.
"Please don't tell Obi Wan. He'll kill me," Anakin said.
"You know I should tell him. But something is telling me I shouldn't" Siri said.
We looked at her with hope on our faces.
"I won't tell him but you have to tell me the truth. Are you two fooling about behind the Jedi's backs? Its ok, Obi Wan and I did exactly the same thing when we were younger. You'll grow out of it like we did" Siri said.
We could hardly believe our ears. Obi Wan had snuck around with a female padawan too?? Whoa this was juicy all right.
"To be honest yes. We love each other," Anakin blurted out.
"Ok. Well I don't think I saw anything in here so good night Farra. Anakin I wouldn't stay in here too much longer. The other female Jedi won't be as understanding as I" Siri said.

She turned and left the room closing the door quietly behind her. As soon as she was gone Anakin and I turned to each other and burst out laughing.
"Who would have thought" Anakin said, "We aren't the only ones with a naughty little secret" he ended.
"Anakin you are not to use what Siri told us to your or our advantage. We aren't supposed to know about their secret remember" I said sternly.
"Darn" Anakin said.
He pouted but then he moved forward and kissed me so I knew he was only joking around. I kissed him back and soon we were caught up with each other again. Why did time always seem to fly when Anakin was around? All too soon I knew Anakin needed to go back to his own room and to bed.
"You should go back to your room Anakin. It's late and you need your sleep" I said gently.
"You're right Farra. Goodnight" Anakin said.
He gave me one last kiss then slipped quietly out of my room.

A few days later we began hearing about attempts on Senator Amidala's life. We were told not to worry too much as her staff were following leads. I wondered how Anakin was handling the news and learnt that he wasn't terribly alarmed.
"Of course if it was you who was in danger I'd be worried stiff" he told me.
"You know that I can look after myself perfectly well," I told him lightly.
"We'll have to wait and see if this situation with Amidala clears up by itself," Anakin said.
So we continued to wait and keep up to date using holonet. Anakin and I had discussed if the attacks could be connected to the dark lord killed some ten years earlier.
"We don't know as we still don't know if it was the apprentice or the master that was killed" Anakin told me.
The council had been keeping tabs on the situation themselves and although we didn't know it they would soon be acting in the matter.

 

Boy were they lucky it was Siri who caught them. I hope Anakin does keep the secret about Obi and Siri. LOL Otherwise I imagine that vengeance would be swift.

Nice bit of historical context there with the reference to events outside the temple.

And I wonder if Anakin's faith in the Council is well-grounded.

 

01.04.07
Senator Amidala almost lost her life today. It is the second attempt on her life in the last two months. The Jedi council met almost immediately and decided that Amidala would have to return to Naboo for her own safety and that a Jedi should go with her for safety. I was the Jedi chosen for the job, which means that I will soon be on my way to Naboo. I am excited about the trip but also wondering how I am going to survive without Anakin. Although he has been pretty busy lately investigating the previous attack on Amidala we've still managed to see one another when he's been home. For a week he and Obi Wan were off planet and the only contact I had with Anakin was when he and Obi Wan sent reports back. At least I knew what Anakin was up to. I know he must have missed me as much as I missed him judging from the way he kissed me in the garden dell after they got back. It was like he wanted to make up for the week all at once. We literally fell into each other's arms and couldn't stop kissing each other. It was so good to be back in his arms, to smell his masculine scent and hear his deep sexy voice. Force I had missed him and it was then that I knew without a doubt that we were MEANT to be together.

So, after I was informed I was to go to Naboo I was in my room packing for the trip when I felt a familiar pair of arms go around my waist.
"How's my favorite Padawan?" Anakins voice asked.
"Oh Anakin I wish I wasn't having to go. It was awful being apart last week and here we are having to go through it again," I said to Anakin.
"We survived last time and we'll survive again," Anakin said.
"Its funny Ani, my skills improved greatly while you weren't here" I said.
"Probably because you didn't have me to distract you," Anakin said.
"You got it" I said, "When I was studying I actually managed to put you out of my mind and focus on what I was doing" I said.
"Force I better go. I can hear someone coming" Anakin said, "If they find me in here and its not Siri I'm dead"
He kissed me softly then hurried out of my room. I resumed packing then changed into civilian garb as I had been advised to do so.

Later that morning I joined Amidala at the spaceport and we prepared to leave. As luck would have it Anakin and Obi Wan were there as they were heading off world again to investigate the latest attack on Amidala. Naturally Anakin and I managed to slip out of sight of the others.
"By the Force you look good" Anakin told me.
"Hello Anakin" I said.
He smiled and leant forward.
The usual battle between mind and body was telling me not to let him kiss me and reminding me that I'd promised myself that I must focus on my studies.
"No Anakin I promised myself I wouldn't" I said.
However as I said this I was already thinking about how good he looked and before I knew what was happening Anakin's lips were on mine and I was letting him kiss me. It would be our last kiss before we parted on our respective missions and Anakin made it a long and lingering kiss. Finally our lips had to part and it was with great reluctance that we drew apart and Anakin returned to Obi Wan.
"May the Force be with you Anakin?" I said.

I turned and hurried off my mind already focusing on my mission. I knew Anakin was watching me as I left. Suddenly I picked up on his thoughts and found myself blushing at what he was thinking about. There was no way I would let him act on those particular thoughts anytime soon. I rejoined Amidala and the two of us boarded our transport to Naboo. I hardly knew Amidala so during the trip I made light conversation with her trying to get to know her. Naturally the topic of Anakin came up and Amidala asked me how he was.
"Anakin's fine" I replied.
"Do you have a lot to do with him?" Amidala asked.
I nearly choked when she asked me this and I could feel my face going flame red. Thankfully I wasn't looking directly at her so she didn't see me blushing.
"We are in the same class so I do see quite a lot of him" I said carefully.
"Does he talk about me at all?" Amidala asked.
Sithspawn this was dangerous ground

 

25.04.07
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I am still shaking as I write this. I was almost? I can't write it down. Thank the Force Anakin showed up when he did. If he'd been a few minutes later Force knows what would have happened to me. I was returning from Naboo, summoned home by Ploon. Only it wasn't Ploon but soldiers working for the Trade Federation. Just as I was about to enter hyperspace an explosion shook my ship. I was knocked unconscious and when I awoke I was on another ship, my hands manacled above my head and surrounded by strange men.
"What have we here?" one of them asked when he saw that I had awakened.
I realized that they hadn't spotted my lightsaber as it was concealed under my cloak. My arms were beginning to ache from bearing the weight of my body but I stared straight ahead and didn't say anything. Then the soldier who had spoken ripped my cloak away revealing my lightsaber to them.
"She's a Jedi," someone hisses
"And a female one at that. So young too"
Suddenly one of them had drawn back his hand and struck me across the face. My head snapped back and I tasted blood. I blinked but didn't cry out in pain. I wasn't going to give them any satisfaction. I concentrated and used the Force to help me remain calm. They all began kicking me and hitting me trying to get me to talk but I said nothing. Finally they grew tired of hitting me and stepped back.
"If beating you won't get you to talk perhaps something else will" one of them said.
"Use whatever means you have to make her talk" the commander ordered.

I became alarmed as they stepped forward. I could see a glint in their eyes. Surely they weren't going to? I tried to jerk my body away as they grabbed my outer tunic. I knew it was made of a strong fabric but I didn't know how strong it was. I continued to twist and buck until two of them held me still. Closing my eyes I willed myself to remain calm. Suddenly an explosion rocked the ship and I felt the hands holding me release me. Opening my eyes I saw the soldiers running out of the room to see what was going on. I myself was wondering what was going on. Could it be Jedi rescuing me? Oh if only it was Anakin. I needed him there right then. Then I heard the familiar hum of a lightsaber and knew that there was at least one Jedi on board the ship. Please let it be Anakin. Please let it be Anakin I thought to myself hoping against hope that it was. If it was and he was alone we would be able to do what we liked without having to be careful. I looked at the door waiting to see who came through it. First a soldier came through obviously having been propelled by a force shove. Then to my joy Anakin stepped through the doorway. He was there, really there. The soldier had gotten to his feet and pulled a blaster. I watched as he fired a bolt at Anakin. Anakin easily deflected the bolt away then spun to deflect bolts from soldiers behind him, reducing them to smoking corpses.

The soldier in the room had circled around behind me and put his gun to my head.
"Stop or I'll kill her," he snarled at Anakin.
Anakin looked at him then extended his hand. The soldier looked surprised as his gun flew from his hand into Anakin's hand.
"Go on get out" Anakin growled.
I could see that he would like to have killed him but was controlling himself knowing that the man was unarmed. Jedi did not kill unarmed opponents. The soldier ran past Anakin who followed him out of the room presumably to deal with the rest of the soldiers. Anakin returned a few minutes later and told me that the soldiers were all dead except for the unarmed one who he'd locked in the ship's brig.
"Oh Ani, thank the Force you arrived when you did. They were trying to make me talk and... and" I couldn't continue.
"Its ok I'm here," Anakin said.
He flicked his hand and the cuffs around my wrists opened. I started to drop to the deck and knew I wouldn't be able to stand. Almost instantly Anakin was there and had caught me in his arms. By the Force he smelt good and I relaxed instantly. I could see concern in Anakin's eyes.

"How bad is it?" I managed

 

26.04.07
After Anakin and I got back to the Jedi Temple the healers treated my injuries. When they were finished I went to the garden dell where I sat and meditated. I had a lot to think about. When Anakin and I had said we loved each other it was the first time we had said this. For me it confirmed what I already knew. There was no going back now as we had both expressed forbidden feelings for each other. Jedi were not supposed to love but we had clearly fallen in love. Oh if only things were simpler and we could be free to express our love without fear of being expelled from the order. The Masters were wrong we just knew it. But how could we show them that. I was so caught up in my meditation that I didn't notice Anakin joining me. He had decided to meditate himself and was still doing so when I ended my meditations. It was then I noticed how hot it was and decided to take a swim. I stood and walked to the lake where I removed everything except my inner tunic and pants.

I dived into the lake and joined the other Padawans and younglings who were swimming and playing games. I joined a group of younglings who are tossing a ball back and forth and joined their game. I was still tossing the ball back and forth with them when I notice that Anakin has come down to the lake and has stripped off down to his pants. By the Force his chest looks incredibly sexy and I have to quickly focus my thoughts on something else least my other thoughts are picked up. I see Anakin dive into the lake and a few moments later he pops up beside me and joins in the game I am playing with the younglings. At the end of the game Master Unduli who had joined us at the lake told the younglings it was time to go inside. Us Padawans were allowed to stay in the lake longer. The younglings obediently stream out of the lake and Master Unduli takes them back inside. I swam over to a quiet corner of the lake and watch the younglings leaving. When they have gone I notice that the other Padawans have also gone leaving us alone. Anakin has joined me and he has also noticed that we are alone.
"Finally alone again" he said.
"Yes" I said.
Anakin asked me how I was doing.
?Well I?m fully recovered from what happened. Just have to make a new lightsaber still? I said
Anakin told me that he and Obi Wan were going to be going to Geonosis, as the Separatists were believed to be there.
?Do be careful Anakin,? I said.
I was already dreading his leaving. I knew I'd miss him terribly.
Anakin smiles, ?Aren?t I always? he said
Anakin smiled and leant forward. I eagerly awaited his kiss and kissed him back hungrily.

When we came up for air Anakin smiled at me.
?I wish we didn?t have to be so careful not to be seen. This secrecy is killing me,? he said.
?Me too? I said.
We kissed again and again. I finally broke the embrace knowing that we could be seen at any time.
?We shouldn?t be doing this. What if we are seen?? I asked.
?No one is around? Anakin said, running a trail of kisses down my jaw ending at my lips.
The feeling of his lips on my skin set my skin on fire.
?Anakin we should stop. We aren?t married and if we don?t stop we may do something we?d later regret? Farra said.
I again picked up his thoughts.
"Like what you are thinking about," I said.
Anakin had the good grace to blush.
"I am nowhere near ready for that," I said.
"Don't worry I won't pressure you" Anakin assured me.

Reluctantly Anakin kissed me one last time then climbed out of the lake and went inside. I followed a few minutes later. As I got changed in my room into dry trousers and undertunic I reflected on Anakin's news. It would mean another long separation where I'd only know how he was doing via their reports. I would miss his nightly visits to my room, which had become a nightly ritual for us. Of course I expected I would see him tonight and we would have to make it special since it would be the last for some time. I knew I would survive our separation and it would make it all the sweeter to see him when he came back. I didn't have a chance to thin

 

27.04.07
Anakin and Obi Wan left today. I was at the spaceport to see them go, as I wanted to be able to see Anakin off. Ploon had suspected that I wanted to go along so I could see Anakin but let me go along with them knowing Obi Wan would be there and would ensure that there wouldn't be any breeches of the Jedi code. So much for Obi Wan preventing breeches of the Jedi Code!! As soon as Obi Wan's back was turned Anakin grabbed my hand and winked at me. I followed him around a corner and out of sight of Obi Wan. No other Jedi were around so we were pretty safe. Anakin leant in and kissed me, wrapping his arms around me and drawing me close.
"Farra I love you and we've been together for 4 months now. I've been thinking. Would you consider getting married to me?" Anakin asked after we came up for air.
"Anakin I don't know how we could manage that. No one at the temple could marry us and I doubt our Masters would let us go off and get married," I said.
The whole idea seemed preposterous. Although I knew in my heart that it was what I wanted too.
"I know I know" Anakin said.
"And how would we be able to live as husband and wife. You know quite well what would happen if you were caught in my room" I said.
"I'd sneak in as usual and spend most of the night with you before going back to my room before morning so as not to be caught" Anakin said.
"And if I should get pregnant? I wouldn't exactly be able to hide it after the first 5 months or so"
"You're right. Bad idea" Anakin said.
We would revisit the idea a few years later but we didn't know it then.

Anakin kissed me again then told me we'd better get back before we were missed. We returned to where Obi Wan was to find that thankfully he'd been so busy discussing the mission with Master Windu who had shown up after we disappeared that he'd not missed us.
"Greetings Padawans" Mace said.
"Greetings Master Windu" we replied.
"I trust the two of you have been helping Master Obi Wan get ready for the mission, especially you young Anakin since you are going with him"
"Um err. Farra and I were around the corner talking," Anakin said.
This was the truth as we HAD been talking. Anakin had simply omitted the fact that we'd kissed.
Obi Wan shot Anakin a look that clearly suggested that he suspected that we'd done more than talked.
"I'll speak to you later my young apprentice" he said.

Finally it was time for Anakin and Obi Wan to leave. Anakin and I hugged and Anakin whispered in my ear that he'd be thinking of me and would miss me.
"I'll miss you too my secret love" I whispered.
We would have liked to have kissed one last time but Obi Wan was watching us so even our hug had to be brief as we didn?t' want Obi Wan reading anything into it. Then Anakin made his way up into the ship and I turned to go back to the temple. Master Windu who was still there suggested I return to the temple with him.
"Yes Master" I said dutifully.
Banther poo doo. I did hope that Master Windu wasn?t going to tell me he'd had reports about Anakin and I as I knew I could not lie.
"You are doing well in your studies Padawan Sti. Soon you will be ready to be knighted. I trust that you will continue to work hard," Master Windu said.
Phew he hadn't heard anything. I was pleased to hear that I would soon be knighted and I wondered if Anakin would be too.
"I am pleased to hear that Master" I said.
"These are troubled times" Master Windu said as we neared the temple, "Now more than ever we must be on our guard and keep our focus on what is important".
I nodded and then we were in the temple grounds and I was able to go to my room.

 

Sorry about the delay in reading - been a bit under the weather. The weather is crazy here - we had icy hail storms. So much for autumn.

Enjoying the way you set the diary into the AU context. Felt a bit sorry for Amidala. Good to see Mace Windu. I'm awfully glad Anakin rescued Farra in time - poor girl. Jedi live exciting but dangerous lives.

Aha - so they're talking about marriage now are they? Sweet. Ah, young love ....

 

30.04.07
It's been a few days since Anakin and Obi Wan left to go to Geonosis. And believe it or not I haven't had time to miss Anakin, as I've been busy with classes and building my new lightsaber. I am building the hilt to resemble Anakin's lightsaber hilt, as I know this will make him happy. I just hope that if one of the Masters sees my hilt and realizes that its similar to Anakin's hilt he or she won't suspect anything. I know that I mustn't let Obi Wan or Ploon get a close view of it, as they WILL know why I made the hilt the way I'm making it. The blade in my lightsaber will be pink as I like that particular color but I am not yet ready to install the crystals for my blade. Once the hilt is made I will need to go to the crystal caves on llum to find the crystals I require. I would have liked Anakin to be present during that trip but that is impossible and I knew it.

However things changed today. Ploon summoned me to tell me that Jedi were being dispatched to Geonosis to rescue Obi Wan and Anakin who were scheduled for execution. They had discovered a large army of battle droids there but had been caught while investigating. I must admit my heart gave a lurch when I heard that Anakin was to be executed. There was no way that I could let that happen and I looked at Ploon hoping he would tell me that we were to go to Geonosis and help in the rescue attempt.
"All Jedi who are able to go to Geonosis have been asked to go there immediately. That includes you and I. I must stress upon you the danger of the situation we are entering. I know you will probably want to help Anakin but I must ask you to stay close to me," Ploon said.
My heart leapt. We were going to Geonosis. Soon I would be reunited with Anakin. Suddenly I couldn?t wait to see him again.
"I am ready to go as soon as we are required to leave," I said.
Ploon dismissed me to go and prepare for the journey by meditating. As if I could focus on the task ahead knowing I was going to be seeing Anakin again very soon.

I returned to my room and sitting on my bed began meditating. I found that by being very disciplined I could focus my thoughts on the job ahead. I realized I would need to do so in order to stay alive. I knew Anakin was still alive as I could sense his signature via the force. As I meditated I thought about the bond between us. Even when he was just 9 and newly arrived at the temple I had found myself drawn to Anakin. I still can't explain why that was. We were best friends until recently but now we are more than friends and being more than friends feels like a natural progression from best friendship. If only we didn't have to keep our relationship a secret. Its becoming harder and harder to avoid being found out. One slip would be all it would take for the council to know that Anakin and I are engaging in forbidden behavior. If that happened and we were thrown out of the order I don't know what I would do.

Ploon telling me it was time to go interrupted my meditations. We boarded a transport and a few hours later were at Geonosis. Enroute we were briefed and told that Obi Wan and Anakin had discovered that the Geonosians were using their droid factories to make droids for the Separatists. We landed near the arena where the executions were supposed to be taking place. We spread out around the arena wait for the prearranged signal. I can see Anakin chained to a pole next to Obi Wan. A number of unusual creatures were approaching the two. I could only watch as the two worked to escape before the creatures reached them. Finally we were given the signal and we engaged the enemy. By now Anakin and Obi Wan had both escaped and had killed most of the creatures in the arena. An army of droids had come out to kill them and it was these we were fighting. Despite still not being fully familiar with my borrowed lightsaber I managed to make short work of the enemy around me then began making my way towards Anakin, determined to get to him. I have no time to wonder how Ploon is doing as my concentration is fully on the battle and I am deep with

 

Great idea to have Farra there on Geonosis, although very sad about Ploon.

I think Obi-Wan is being a bit ungrateful to Farra. He can be a bit of an old stick in the mud at times.

I was interested to see that Farra was able to forget about Ani for a while there at the start, when she had other things to keep her busy. I wonder if that's a good sign or a bad one? Hmmmm.

This was an action-filled post, and it lookslike things might be coming to a head for our two teen lovers.

 

sorry for taking so long to update this. Darth Real Life ran interference.
5.05.07
It's been several days since we returned from Geonosis. Anakin has had to stay in the medical area to receive treatment for his arm. It still feels strange to not have Ploon's constant guidance and I am somewhat at a loss as to what I am supposed to do now as I don?t know if another Master will take me on as his or her apprentice or if I will have to join the Jedi Service Corps. I do hope that I will be able to continue my training and become a fully-fledged Jedi. Of course I have visited Anakin every day and my visits with him are the highlight of my days. He is recovering well from his injury and a prosthetic arm is being made for him. He is already talking about tinkering with it just as he has with anything mechanical. It always makes me happy when Anakin is happy.

Today it was my turn to hide under the bed. It was after lights out and I'd snuck down to the medical area to see Anakin. We had been kissing when we heard someone coming and realizing there was no time for me to leave we'd broken the kiss and I'd scrambled under the bed. I wasn't meant to be visiting Anakin as much as I was but I couldn't seem to stay away from him. While I hid under the bed Obi Wan came in to talk to Anakin. I could see his legs and hear his voice but that was it. After they'd been talking for a while I suddenly felt the need to sneeze. Oh Force if I sneezed and Obi Wan heard me he would want to know what I was doing under the bed. Suddenly the sneeze came out and Obi Wan heard it. I closed my eyes praying he wouldn't look under the bed. But he did and of course spotted me.
"What ARE you doing in here Padawan Sti?" he asked, disapproval in his voice.
"I came to see Anakin," I said lamely.
"There are regular visiting hours in which you can see him. What were you doing with him? And I want an honest answer" Obi Wan said.
I looked at Anakin hopelessly.
"It's my fault Master. I encouraged her to come" Anakin said.
I looked at him with huge eyes. What was he doing?

Obi Wan looked at Anakin.
"What have I told you about encouraging her. You cannot have feelings for her," Obi Wan said.
"Master. I can't help it. I?m in love with her. I can't deny it any more and nor can she" Anakin said.
"Anakin!" I burst out.
"He can't tell on us. Remember" Anakin said.
I saw a look of shock cross Obi Wan's face.
"Anakin what did I tell you?" I asked.
"I know Farra but I had to say that" Anakin said.
"And why can't I tell the council about you two?" Obi Wan asked.
"Because if you do I'll tell them about you and Siri" Anakin said.
"How did you find out about that?" Obi Wan demanded to know.
Anakin told him about Siri catching us in his room.
"She told us about you two" Anakin said.
Obi Wan closed his eyes briefly. I know he was upset with Siri for telling us about them.
"Fine. I'll forget I saw this" Obi Wan said, "But please promise me that it will end today. Nothing good can come of it. Siri and I are just friends now" he ended.
I could see that Anakin was not happy to hear that. Nor was I. Neither of us could lie to Obi Wan but neither of us could bear to end it. Thankfully Obi Wan got called away before we had a chance to answer him. Saved! We were off the hook for now.