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Saga 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (or: One Fan's Long-winded Treatise on the State of Fandom)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by BlindMan, Dec 16, 2018.

  1. BlindMan

    BlindMan Jedi Master star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2001
    (Author's note: Wow, whole new board setup here; gonna take some getting used to. Wasn't even sure my old account would still work.:) Let's see if I remember how to do this...)

    'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
    (OR: ONE FAN'S LONG-WINDED TREATISE ON THE STATE OF FANDOM):


    'Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the 'net...
    fanboys were riled up (as fanboys will get).

    "Star Wars is failing!" some hued and decried.
    "Spoiler Alert: why did Luke have to die?"

    "The characters, story...they're all down the tubes!
    The people who like it--well they're all just noobs!"

    And so on, and so forth, the argument went.
    Everyone had an opinion to vent.

    The fandom had split into factions galore.
    but here came a gathering of the main four:

    There was the Die-Hard, her Wars knowledge vast,
    filled with minutiae from present and past.

    And there, too, the New Fan who'd come to it late.
    He loved the new movies, he thought they were great.

    And there was the Kid Fan, her eyes all aglow,
    Rey was her hero--and Leia, you know.

    And nearby was Rage Fan, all filled with his bile.
    Anger and bitterness, those were his style.

    The chat room was filled with their spirited talk.
    Everyone chattered like little Ewoks.

    They went back and forth, and they went forth and back,
    'til finally in her seat Die-Hard leaned back.

    "Here is my verdict--you may not agree--
    just my opinion, my viewpoint, you see:

    "The first three were awesome, the Prequels okay,
    the new films have points good and bad, I must say.

    "How people can understand droids, I don't get,
    but I'll overlook it, and not get upset .

    "'Rogue One' was interesting, 'Solo' was fun,
    I liked what they did with 'The Force Awakens'.

    "'Last Jedi''s not bad, it just gets a bad rap..."
    "RIAN JOHNSON SUCKS!" Rage Fan screamed (in all caps).

    "FIRE KATHLEEN KENNEDY! OFF WITH HER HEAD!
    THE FRANCHISE IS RUINED! SHE'S KILLED IT ALL DEAD!

    "AND ROSE TICO'S AWFUL! AND MARY SUE REY--?!"
    "You misogynist twit," New Fan sighed, "go away..."

    "NEVER!" said Rage Fan. "I'LL FIGHT TO THE END!
    TO THIS SJW DRECK I'LL NOT BEND!"

    "Embarrass us all, that's what you really do,"
    said Die-Hard. "With all of that bantha poo-doo...

    "Whatever *real* points you might have all get lost
    amidst all that hate-speech and your verbal dross."

    "Ha! You said poo-doo," Kid Fan, she did snort.
    Rage Fan grew angry and shot a retort:

    "I SPEAK ONLY TRUTH YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO BELIEVE.
    I'M THE *TRUE* FAN, AND FOR 'STAR WARS' I GRIEVE.

    "TO SEE IT ALL RUINED BY PC SNOWFLAKES--
    THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH FOR A REAL FAN TO TAKE."

    "And what is a 'real fan'?" a new voice spoke out,
    calm and collected, with no need to shout.

    "And who are you?" Kid Fan asked curiously.
    The newcomer said, "Just an Old Fan, that's me.

    "A First Generation fan, here from the start,
    and now I see fandom is tearing apart.

    "'Toxic' they call us, and 'caustic' and 'rude',
    thinking we all have the same attitude."

    "That's just ridiculous," New Fan opined.
    "We're not all like Rage Fan, heads up our behinds..."

    "HEY!" Rage Fan said. And Old Fan said, "Now, now.
    Let's stop pointing fingers and figure out how

    "we came to this impasse, and what we might try
    to get well beyond it and help 'Star Wars' fly.

    "If you'll all indulge me, my views I would share,
    on why the new films make some fans tear their hair.

    "The problem, I think, is the grand old EU.
    Or Legends, they call it now, isn't that true?"

    Die-Hard Fan nodded. "They do, yes indeed.
    Vast, epic tales that once filled our fan needs.

    "A whole generation," she went on to say,
    "grew up with that timeline, 'fore it went away."

    "And that," Old Fan said, "is the problem, you kids.
    So many invested in that, yes, they did.

    "They know this whole version of how things should go--
    to have it wiped out, well that's just quite a blow.

    "Like it or hate it, that was Disney's call--
    retell all that stuff, or just chuck it all.

    "For good or for ill, they started anew.
    So let's all see just what the Mouse House can do."

    "THEY THREW ALL US FANS RIGHT STRAIGHT UNDER A TRAIN!
    THEY'D FILM THE EU IF THEY HAD HALF A BRAIN!"

    "And what if they did?" Old Fan said. "How 'bout then?
    No more Finn, Poe, Rey and no Kylo Ren."

    "PERFECT!" said Rage Fan. "BRING IN MARA JADE!
    THE YUUZHAN VONG, KOTOR, MY DAY WOULD BE MADE!"

    "Well, I'll admit," Old Fan said with a smile,
    "I'd love to see KOTOR in live-action style."

    "Or maybe a 'toon!" Kid Fan chimed in with glee.
    "Something to put up on Channel Disney!"

    "SEE?" Rage Fan gloated. "YOU SEE THAT I'M RIGHT!
    JUST THROW IN THE TOWEL! CONCEDE IN THIS FIGHT!"

    "'fraid not," Old Fan said with a shake of his head.
    "Suppose they *did* make all those things you just said.

    "Abandoned the canon the new films have wrought,
    and filmed all the novels for which you're so hot.

    "You'd *still* be complaining, I'd bet my last dime.
    Griping and sniping just all of the time.

    "'They got that all wrong', you would say with a sneer.
    'They're ruining Star Wars!' you'd go on to jeer.

    "The books in your head are much better, you see,
    than anything they could put up on the screen."

    "And frankly," said Die-Hard Fan, "some of those books,
    were kind of, well, iffy, and not worth a look..."

    "TRAITOR!" said Rage Fan, oblivious to
    the fact he was quoting TFA (it's true!)

    "Besides," Die-Hard said, "A wee bit of that lore
    is creeping back in through canon's back door.

    "Thrawn was on 'Rebels', the Noghri were, too--
    Filoni's the man! He seems pretty cool."

    "PLEASE," Rage Fan said, "YOU APOLOGIST HACK.
    TIDBITS AREN'T FILLING--I WANT IT ALL BACK!"

    "Apologist?!" Die-Hard Fan said, turning red.
    "How dare you! I oughtta just cave in your head!"

    Old Fan stepped between them to keep them apart,
    before a full-blown verbal throwdown could start:

    "Now let's not say anything that we'll regret.
    To quote good old Porkins, let's 'Stay on target'.

    "Getting right back to my point from before,
    I think it's unfair to take Disney's new lore

    "and rank them against all those novels and games.
    It's wholly uneven, it isn't the same.

    "The EU had twenty and five years to forge
    a vast, epic timeline on which fans could gorge.

    "Disney's had only a few years to work..."
    "Yeah!" New Fan said to Rage Fan, "you big jerk!

    "They might give us something that makes us *all* rave.
    Something to rival what old Lucas gave."

    "ALL THEY WILL GIVE US IS 'FAMILY-FARE' JUNK!
    CARTOONS AND WATERED-DOWN ACTION--PURE BUNK!"

    "Hey," Kid Fan said, "what's so wrong with cartoons?
    'Rebels' was awesome! 'Resistance' is, too!"

    "UGH," Rage Fan said. "KID, GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM.
    STAR WARS JUST ISN'T INTENDED FOR YOU."

    "Now *that* is the stupidest thing I've yet heard,"
    Old Fan said. "Foolish and just quite absurd.

    "You act like kids' shows Disney just should avoid,
    but need I remind you of 'Ewoks' and 'Droids'?

    "Hardly for grown-ups, those two cartoon shows.
    And yet, us old fanboys did not come to blows.

    "We knew there was plenty of room in the 'verse
    for fans of all ages--it wasn't a curse."

    "Besides," New Fan said, "look at 'Rebels', you creep.
    It started off kiddie and got kind of deep."

    "THE FUTURE OF 'STAR WARS' IS DISMAL AND BLEAK,
    IF DISNEY CONTINUES ON THIS LOSING STREAK."

    "Streaks can be broken," responded Old Fan.
    "And as for the future? Well, that's easy, man.

    "The future of Star Wars is sitting right there."
    He pointed at Kid Fan, who sat up and stared.

    "I was her age when the first films came out.
    They made all my peers and I give a glad shout.

    "But many years later, old George did decree
    the Special Editions the 'true' films to be.

    "I disagreed frankly, I wasn't alone,
    but younger fans loved them, their eager eyes shone.

    "They ate up the Prequels, when those films were aired.
    Though some fans were harsh on them, they didn't care.

    "And now the new films have young fans of their own.
    Such is the way of things; how fandom's grown!

    "Each new generation keeps 'Star Wars' alive.
    The saga will grow and continue to thrive.

    "There's room for the old and there's room for the new.
    Striking that balance is tricky, it's true.

    "Change is a constant we have to embrace,
    or 'Star Wars' will vanish with nary a trace."

    "OH, COME ON," said Rage Fan, "YOU'RE TELLING ME STRAIGHT,
    THERE'S NOTHING THAT DISNEY HAS DONE THAT YOU HATE?"

    "Hate's a strong word," Old Fan said. "But I'll say,
    Disney should get off their butts in one way:

    "I'm sure all us fogeys would just love to see
    4K transfers of the first trilogy.

    "No Special Editions, no CGI stuff,
    models and matte paintings are quite enough."

    Kid Fan said, "Han shot first," nodding sagely.
    (Her parents had raised her right, 'twas plain to see.)

    "You make some good points," Die-Hard said to Old Fan.
    "Add to your list, I'll see if I can:

    "If some folks don't like the new movies, that's cool.
    To each their own, as we were taught back in school.

    "Don't waste any time on the things that you hate,
    trolling the chat rooms and railing at fate.

    "Life's just too short, go find something you love,
    some new (or old) fandom that fits like a glove.

    "Star Trek, the Marvel films, good old Harry
    (Potter, that is, or Dresden, maybe).

    "Whatever it is, well, best wishes, my friend.
    And down the road, maybe we'll see you again."

    Old Fan, he nodded. "You're getting it now.
    What say you, Rage Fan? You still having that cow?"

    Rage Fan, he spluttered, and glared at them all.
    "I'LL DO WHAT I PLEASE! I'M HERE FOR THE LONG HAUL!

    "IF YOU DON'T LIKE LISTENING TO ME, THEN *YOU* GO!
    THIS IS THE INTERNET--TROLLS RUN THE SHOW!

    "YOU ALL ARE JUST FOOLS! YOU'RE ALL FULL OF IT!
    NOBODY CARES, YOUR OPINION'S WORTH--HEY!"

    (At this point the admins did slap Rage Fan's wrist;
    that last word of his was on their naughty list.)

    And New Fan, he realized that logic won't do
    when dealing with someone like Rage Fan are you.

    So New Fan, he thought, then he hit on a trick.
    "Hey Rage Fan!" he called, "Doctor Who's now a chick!"

    "WHAT?!" Rage Fan bellowed. "THAT JUST WILL NOT STAND!"
    And off he did storm, in an exit quite grand.

    "Let Whovians deal with that guy for a while,"
    New Fan said. "And spare us the trouble and trial."

    "I like the new Doctor," Kid Fan did declaim.
    "Me too," Old Fan said with a wink. "I'm the same."

    "I think," Die-Hard said, "that it's time we should go.
    We've prattled and chattered enough, don't you know."

    "Agreed," Old Fan said, "too much time did we hoard.
    "The readers are probably growing quite bored.

    "So thank you for reading, and let me just say,
    Good Holiday Wishes and Happy Life Day!"


    THE END
     
    pronker, Kahara, Seldes_Katne and 8 others like this.
  2. Cowgirl Jedi 1701

    Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Dec 21, 2016
    Accurate. And humorous.

    BTW, I browsed through the archives a while ago and stumbled across your Darth Vader Monologues. Laughed my butt off.
     
  3. BlindMan

    BlindMan Jedi Master star 2

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2001
    Thanks! :)

    Glad you enjoyed the Monologues, as well. I've been toying with the idea of doing a few new ones, since Vader's turned up again in Rogue One (and Rebels, as well)...