Story [Twilight] The Road Trip Letters of Sam Uley (Dear Diary Challenge) Updated 1/26!

Title: The Road Trip Letters of Sam Uley
Fandom: Twilight
Author: jedi_of_ennth
Characters: The wolf pack! (So ? Sam, Jared, Paul, Leah, Seth, Jacob, Embry and Quil)
Author?s Notes + Caveats: This is total crack, guys, but I hope it?ll keep me writing. As far as timeline placement goes, let?s just say this is AU and the events of Breaking Dawn never took place. Other than that, don?t think too much about it.
Summary: In an attempt to forget all about monsters and magic, the wolf pack takes a road trip. This is their journey, told through the eyes of their unwilling alpha, Sam Uley.

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[b]August 2008
Forks, Washington[/b]

My Emily,

It?s only been twenty minutes and I already feel like I?ve been cut off from everything that kept me sane. Remember how I asked the boys several times before we left La Push if they had to use the bathroom? Remember how they laughed at me and ridiculed me for treating them like children? Well, here we are at a gas station in Forks, the boys lined up outside the restroom like unrepentant toddlers. Jacob was the first to start in with ?Sam! Sam! Saaaaam, I have to go!? but the others soon joined him in a rousing chorus. I told them the Red Bull was a bad idea. Did they listen?

Do they ever?

I hate this. I?m sitting in the van watching the boys through the windows of the convenience store. They?re behaving like animals, which is fitting, I guess, but pretty sad. I don?t know what the elders were thinking when they spent so much of the reservation?s budget (it was supposed to go toward new computers for the high school lab, but who cares about education, right? Even local governments can?t figure out how to spend money where it?s needed) on a seventies-era van complete with neon green shag carpeting and decided to send the whole wolf pack on a road trip.

?Thanks for your help protecting La Push while the Cullens and their pasty friends were around,? Billy Black, speaking for the whole council, told me last week. Sometimes I hate that devilish diabetic. He plays helpless in that wheelchair of his, but I get the feeling he could take me out if it came to blows. ?Now, take your boys, take some gas money, and go reclaim the childhood you lost saving our asses!? That reasoning didn?t make much sense then; it doesn?t make much sense now.

Then again, it came from the men who spend council meetings pondering the necessity of underwear and whether or not a blood transfusion from a Quileute would make Charlie Swan Billy?s ?blood brother in the flesh.? (The Black family?s obsession with the Swan family is something else I?ll never understand; it?s too creepy for me to think about right now, so I?m just going to move on. It?s almost as creepy as the entire Ateara family, but not quite.) Sometimes I think I?m the only hope for La Push and my Quileute people. I wish I didn?t have to shoulder that burden, but it doesn?t look like Jacob is going to step up anytime soon. Through the window of the convenience store, I can see him arguing with Embry, apparently over which brand of gummy bears to buy.

Ah, unwanted responsibility. It just follows me. Did I want to supervise this trip? Of course not. But I?ve mapped out our route: We?ll drive across Washington, through Idaho, across Montana and down through South Dakota. Once we get to Iowa, we?ll decide how far east we want to go; hopefully by then they?ll all be sick of this adventure and decide to come home. We really don?t have enough money to afford hotel rooms and stops at tourist sites, which means we?ll have to make our own fun, which in turn means that you?ll probably see our exploits on the national news every evening.

Oh, Emily, I miss you so much. I can?t stand being away from you. I feel like?I don?t know how to put it in words. It?s like gravity is just completely skewed. I don?t know how Jared can be so flippant about leaving Kim behind. I don?t know how Quil can stand at the counter, flirting with the cashier, while Claire is?

Okay, wait, wait, wait. I should have known. Q

 

I'm glad I wasnt' drinking anything while reading that... I would have ruined my laptop!

Absolutely hilarious!!

I can't really pick out which part was my favorite, it was all funny but I did especially enjoy the tradmark symbol on the "SAM FACE" . That was a really nice touch!

Great job! I look forward to more!

 

kay, wait, wait, wait. I should have known. Quil isn?t just flirting; he?s running interference while Paul pockets candy bars. Oh, for the love of?


This thing is so hilarious. Brilliant!!

 

It's funny, of course. But there's more to it than that. Not surprising considering Burning Down Neverland and Metastasis. Glad to see you posting again!

 

ROFLOL. *sigh* that was wonderful. Can't wait for more. ;D

 

Did they listen?

Do they ever?

lol Poor Sam.

Then again, it came from the men who spend council meetings pondering the necessity of underwear and whether or not a blood transfusion from a Quileute would make Charlie Swan Billy?s ?blood brother in the flesh.?

Billy/Charlie OTP FTW!

And if?if I don?t make it back, if mutinies and homicide come between us with more finality than miles ever can, I want you to know that I was thinking of you while my brothers overturned my leadership and Leah meted out justice with a chainsaw.

Perfect ending, especially the mental image of a vengeful Leah with a chainsaw. I can?t wait for the next installment!

 

mavjade: Glad I could amuse you.
NYCitygurl: Thanks!
ratna: Thanks for reading! I'm glad to be posting around here again.
Jenth_Zere: Fancy seeing you around these parts again! Thanks for reading!
Emerald_Lady: Charlie/Billy is the most epic bromance in the history of the world. This is undeniable.

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[b]August 2008
Seattle, Washington[/b]

My Emily,

We?ve stopped at McDonalds for lunch and another bathroom break. The road to Seattle was unsurprisingly rocky from the second we pulled onto US-101.

?Are you sure I can?t drive?? Jared wondered from the back. ?I?m a good driver. I love driving.?

?The last time I let you drive, you wrecked my mom?s station wagon,? I pointed out.

?That was four years ago, man!? Jared exclaimed. ?We were, like, freshmen! I didn?t even have my license or anything! And that squirrel that scared me was [i]fierce[/i]! But there aren?t any squirrels out here??

?No, there are actual vehicles,? I cut him off.

He was silent for a minute. Then, ?Can I at least ride shotgun??

?I called shotgun,? Seth, in the seat beside me, protested.

?I have seniority.? Jared tapped me on the shoulder. ?C?mon, Sam. Let me ride shotgun! I?m older than the kid here, and I was your wingman back in the day, when it was just us.?

This brought back all sorts of memories of our first lonely weeks as clueless mythological vampire slayers. As appeals to my heart go, it was rather lacking. Jared had been distracted by squirrels then, too, sometimes refusing to patrol if he spotted a particularly devious-looking rodent. I actually discovered the whole ?alpha voice? thing while trying to keep him focused.

I kept my eyes on the road. ?Jared, Seth called shotgun first.?

?Did someone say shotgun? Because I was going to bring mine, but I forgot and packed a flamethrower instead.? That was Leah, of course, using the four-hour drive to Seattle as an opportunity to categorize and organize all the illegal and dangerous weapons she had somehow managed to acquire. ?What do you think, Paul? Flamethrower or chainsaw??

So she really did bring a chainsaw. Lovely.

?Ignore her, dude,? Jared advised. ?I won?t let her get you.? He leaned over my shoulder and added quietly, ?As long as you let me ride shotgun out of Seattle. And maybe let me drive later.?

I brushed him away. ?Why don?t you go bother Paul??

?Because the last time he bothered me, I shanked him,? Paul answered for Jared.

?You?re a monster, man,? Jared complained. ?Sam, tell him to keep his knives to himself.?

I slammed my hands on the steering wheel. ?[i]Why[/i], why for the love of all that is holy are you all packing enough ammunition to drive the United States out of North America??

The van was silent except for Seth?s humming along with Led Zeppelin on the radio and the clickety-clack of ? knitting needles? I glanced in the rearview mirror. Quil was docilely working on a pink and orange monstrosity that was either a sweater or a ski cap for an elephant. I shook my head and turned my eyes back to the road.

?Mostly it?s just in case we run into trouble,? Jacob finally spoke up. Another glance in the mirror showed him holding up the knife he used for whittling?and a variety of other things, including fighting Paul off for the last of a batch of blueberry muffins. ?Like, if Leah tries to kill us in the middle of the night or Seth decides it would be a good idea to, I don?t know, listen to Hilary Duff or something.?

?Hilary Duff is lame,? Seth snorted.

?And I?ve got all this,? Leah said, ?so that if Sam decides to betray us all or snap and attack us, we?ll be safe.?

I gritted my teeth. ?One more comment and I will stop this van,? I threatened. ?I will stop this van and make you walk.?

?Oooh, what?s the big alpha gonna do, huh?? Leah sneered.

?Look, Leah, just let it go,? Embry pleaded before I could respond. ?Here, let?s play travel backgammon. We can have a tournament or something.?

And that, fortunately, was enough to distract Leah until we pulled into the McDonalds parking lot three and a half hours later

 

As appeals to my heart go, it was rather lacking. Jared had been distracted by squirrels then, too, sometimes refusing to patrol if he spotted a particularly devious-looking rodent. I actually discovered the whole ?alpha voice? thing while trying to keep him focused.
This cracked me up!

I also loved Leah and her armory! LOL!

at Quil!

Great update!

 

Especially at the weapons and Quil as a player I wonder what's going on with Embry and Leah . . .

Great post!! Can't wait for more `

 

This brought back all sorts of memories of our first lonely weeks as clueless mythological vampire slayers. As appeals to my heart go, it was rather lacking. Jared had been distracted by squirrels then, too, sometimes refusing to patrol if he spotted a particularly devious-looking rodent. I actually discovered the whole ?alpha voice? thing while trying to keep him focused.

So now, in my head, wolf pack=Quileute Scooby Gang, and Jared=Anya and her fear of bunnies. This is mostly because I?ve been obsessing over Buffy, but this passage is funny regardless. I can totally see Sam discovering his command powers over something like this.

Leave it to Quil to use social and ethnic issues as pick-up lines.

Oh, player!Quil. How I?ve missed you.