What goes on in the Senate Thread

Players: Ani, Chancellor Palpatine, Tailor Federation Delegates.

Setting: Ani, Senator Palpatine located in their anti-grav Chancellor Pod

Tailor Federation Delegates in their Senate Pod.

Palpatine: "Darth, I mean Ani you could call for vote to allow manufacture of Black Life Support Suites, since Yoda force-pushed Count Dooku into you and caused some damage."

Ani: "Yah but that was temporary, I'm a powerful jedi. It's not like Obi Wan is going push me into a lava pit or something. So, who would need a suite like that?"

Palpatine: "You would -- uh, I mean, you would be suprised."

(Ani stands up to address the Senate)

Ani: "Darn it, this is all that little green chaps fault, he knocked Count Dooku on top of me that affected my breathing. So tailor Federation, I'm calling for a vote for armored black suites, with heavy breathing noise masks."

Tailor Delegate: "I object, our System Tailor's leather vests, like the one worn by Greedo. Besides, the cost of black armored masks would be too great. We had a deal with the Emp. . .Republic."

Ani: "I'm tailoring. . .I mean altering the deal. Pray, I don't alter it any further!"

 

everyone left again...

 

Senator Hugt from Kuat: I object, prayer may or may not have a place in this Senate. I request a commitee be formed at once to look into this matter.

And by the way we are out of wipes in the bathroom and unless you want things to get messy I suggest you do something about it.

 

Yuri-Nell of the Janitorial Union: Wee-wee object the insinuation that there iss no toilet paper in the-he bathrooms! For three millenia wee-wee have supplied the Senate with the finest, softest toilet paper in the galaxy. If there is no toilet paper in the restrooms than I dare say that there is a criminal TP hoarder in our midst!

*Senate errupts in murmuring suspicion. While the accusations abound, two Imperial guards drag in a beaten elderly man desperatly trying to keep his grasp on an unopened package of toilet paper. The Senate immediately calls for the man's execution, with the occasional blaster shot coming from the Rodian Delegation, but Chancellor Palpatine calms the crowd and begins his inquizition.*

Chancellor Palpatine: Really now, you'd risk your life trying to steal toilet paper? Do you realize that in a govenment drowning in corruption, a bureaucratic nightmare plagued with backstabbing, bribery, and deceit...that there is one, one thing that binds us all together. Do you know what that is? Do you? It's the Senatorial toilet paper. The one perk set down in the original founding of the Galatic Republic...the only perk! Toilet paper softer than the clouds of Bespin...

*turns to his aide covering the mike*

...that reminds me, there's some Calrission fellow stealing Imperial gases and minerals near my summer vacation home...tell my new apprentice, Anakin, to send a regiment to this illegal mining operation to collect the proper taxes. *snickers*

Aide: Imperial Regiment, sir? I didn't think the Republic had an army.

Chancellor Palpatine: Oh, did I say regiment? I meant Reggie Ment, my accounting firm...just do your job. *uncovers mike*...Where was I? Oh right, toilet paper is it? *clears throat* If I could afford my own roll of Senatorial bathroom paper I would carefully lay each square of it on the marble floor of my pimp-daddy apartment a sleep more soundly than an earless gundark. This crime is sooo grievous I cannot begin to imagine your possible excuse! WELL?!!! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!!

Mr. Whipple: It's just Charmin....and it's so squeezably soft.

Chancellor Palpatine: Enough of this bathroom humor...Guards, take him a away!

At that point, the Senate errupted in applause, and it would be the last time the Senate unamiously aggreed upon anything. Every Senator from accross the Galaxy signed Mr. Whipple's death warrent...and the dimming of the Senatorial chambers lights were met with even more cheers when everyone knew the Buglar of the Bathroom was dead.

Chancellor Palpatine (in his chambers talking to yet another new apprentice): Blast! My ploy to steal all the Senatorial toilet paper almost destroyed me...being such a smooth talker has made me even more popular with the Senate, but I fear it won't last long. Before I can make a move to dissolve the Senate, I need to make sure the toilet paper is secure in my fortress. You have your mission, I trust you'll succeed my apprentice. *evil smirk*

The Sith apprentice begins to vibrate with evil anticpation. Due to a lack of a hood, he pulls his t-shirt up over his head and proclaims: "I am the great Cornholio! I need...." Chancellor Palpatine's chamber doors close.

 

Sneator Jarafo: Behold, my long silence has been ended. The janatorial services dared to silence that wich is immortal! Taking over the stock of toilet paper is but the first step in my ascension to power.... well, next to forcing myself into office... but nevert the less--

Aid: Master, I must tell you th-that--

Jarafo: Not now, dimunitive one, I am in the middle of my musings...

Aid: But Master--!

Jarafo: (Stares intently at his odd hunchback aid) You will shut up...

Aid: I...will shut up...

Jarafo: There we go--

Aid: After I tell you that the mic is still on--

Jarafo: What did I tell you?!! (Swings out a red-bladed lightsaber...sudden realization dawns upon him... looks at the senate.... everyone stares in shock at the Gungan...)

Jarafo: Uhh... mesa just findsa this ons-o floor nextin' to mesa pod... and...uhh... wondered who its-a besa belonging to... and...uhh...

Senate stares

Jarafo: Uhh... ( waves his hand) it was also mesa doing is all...

Senate: ...

Jarafo: (smiles to himself, sits, turns off mic.) And no one will EVER expects the Gungan...

 

*tee hee* this is getting good...

 

Chancellor Palpatine: Senator, if you would adjust your silly hat and face the rest of us you would see that we are all here waiting for you to finish addressing the Senate. *over-exaggerated exhale*

Jarafo sneaks around the Senatorial chambers, hidden by his black cloak, and begins tee-peeing the Delegation of Malastare's Senate pod.

An evil grin cracks Palpatine's face.

 

The Rodian Delegation stands up to avoid Senatorial Pruning, and they are given the floor by Mas Ameeda...

 

Rodian Senator: It has come to our attention that the Chancellor has created a Grand Army of the Republic...

*the Senate errupts in disbelief*

Rodian Senator: ...and that this army has variations in it's armor. Can't the Republic afford a single paint scheme...a uniform uniform if you will?!!

Chancellor Palpatine: Well, I thought it would be nice if we could tell the officier from the rest of ....

Senator Wal'rusman *interrupting*: Variations? How many? What kind? This is madness I say! Madness!

*half the Senate leaves in order to purchase the variations of armor before the Scalping Guild arrives*

 

*the Senators return in disgust...defeated by the Scalping Guild*

Senator Fig Collek-tor: This is outrageous! The Scalping Guild must be stopped!

 

Senator Fig Collek-tor: It is quite obvious that the Scalping Guild funds the Sculpting Guild in order to make any mass produced items rare for the common mercenary. Why is it that a clone trooper's armor cost so high? The Republic is cornering the market on armor and I will not stand for it!

Bail Organa: Maybe it's the pacifist in me, but shouldn't your concern lie in the fact that the Republic's army is cornering the market on warfare, rather than the actual armor? Call me crazy, but the sudden rise in the cloning technology heavy Securities Investments Trade Holdings Market on top of the drastic decline in battle droid futures has me pretty concerned...my poor uncle and his Techno Guild pention...he can barely live on his monthly checks as it is...if they go Techno union goes chapter 11.38, how will he be able to live in his nursing home outside of the Capital of Alderaan?!!

Mara-Tha' Jade-wart: I have extensive reports that the Chancellor may have benefited from insider trading information. It has been suggested that he uses the Jedi to predict which stocks to purchase or dump. We demand answers!

Chancellor Palpatine: Ok, I've made some notes while you were all blabbering on and on...Senator Fig Collek-tor, of course you don't have to stand for this....*Senator Fig Collek-tor suddenly falls to his knees, gasping for his last breath*

Senator Organa, I'm quite positive your uncle will have no trouble living out the rest of his life... *mutters* albeit short ...in his nursing home. May I suggest you take some time off to visit him in the near future? Please be sure to drop me a note as to when you'll be there. I'll make sure my aide, Tarkin, drops off a special pick me up.

And lastly, Mara-Tha'...again with the baseless acusations? I'm sorry that you head the Decorator's Guild as it's quite unfortunate that the "used" Galaxy look is in...but I can assure you that I do not rely on any Jedi stock tips, as I like to control everyone's...I mean, my own destiny with my investments. And really, if the Jedi were so good at investments, would they still wear those burlap sacks? I think not.

 

Soopur Kay'Mart: We of the Retail Guild would like to formally nullify our contract with Mara-Tha' Jade-wart, however since this contract was granted under former Chancellor Valorum's leadership as a rider to the Senate Bill 1441138 Rock Misuse and Waste Investigation Act of October 2000, we need the current administrations approval to dismiss it.

Mara-Tha' Jade-wart: Without that trade franchise, my matching paint and hand towel factories will be ruined. I am the largest employer of underage sweat shop childern in the galaxy. What will these children do with all their free time and instead of earning .05 republic credits per week? Go to school? I purchased an extremely large sum of Bothan spynet information to accummulate my weath and that ammendment...I demand it be recognized. *turns to her aide*...and if you look me in the eyes again, you and your family will be fired and sent to the Cyberian Spices Mines. *evil, evil glare*

Chancellor Palpatine, slightly taken aback by Mara-tha's evilness: Care to publically admit to any more Republic felonies while you're at it? I believe we have enough to put away your grandchildren for 30 years each. *amused grin*

Mara-Tha' Jade-wart: D'oh!! *slaps forehead*

Nute Gunray: Tha Trahd Faduration would like to aquire the pahint and hand towl fauktorays in ordur to better coordinot our troops in the leeeegul take over of the Republic. Our battle droids rhank designahzions to not match our taunks.

Chancellor Palpatine: I have no idea what you're trying to say, but you loosers need all the help you can get....if no objections....

Mace Windu: More Jedi will die if the Conferacy's armies are better color coordinated...we're...

Chancellor Palpatine, ignoring Mace: ...seeing none, motion passed.

 

Mas Ameeda: The Chancellor will entertain a motion to prevent this thread's prunation...all in favor say aye.

 

Orig'nell Trillgee: If it pleases the Chancellor, I'd like to have the floor?

Chancellor Palpatine: Yeah sure, whatever...

Orig'nell Trillgee: It has come to my attention that the powers that be are planning on extracting my DVDNA a creating an abomination to my very soul...My people are still reeling from the reprecussions of the last variation...now another one?

Special Assistent to Ed Dition: Listen, you were dying...if the powers had be hadn't stepped in when they did you and your people would have been lost forever.

Orig'nell Trillgee: (interrupting) Did you, or did you not pen the song, "Jedi Rocks"?

Special Assistent to Ed Dition: Well....C'mon, I have cleaner effects and extended sequences...

Orig'nell Trillgee: (interrupting) I rest my case.

(during the argument the Rodian and Corellian delegations begin a fire fight...it is never determined who fired first)

*hiding in a nearby hallway, a solitary figure speaks to himself*

Uber-Arch Ivalboxx S'ett: Some day I will make my presence known, and all will bow before my might and marketability. Muhahahahahahaha!

Chacellor Palpatine (to his female assistant): So, you doing anything Friday night? I've got some great box seats at the theater...I think one of the 30 million Cirque de Sole shows is in town....

 

Spi-Leak: HA-HA! Exposed!

*confusion errupts in the senate as a small 14 year old, ghostly white boy throws photos into the air...the photos show various pictures of Uber-Arch Ivalboxx S'ett in compromizing situations*

Uber-Arch Ivalboxx S'ett: (to himself) This is unexpected, my master Mark Etor will no be pleased...I must correct this problem.

Orig'nell Trillgee: (holding the photos) See?!! They are not only using my DVDNA but they are contorting things that were never flawed...they're killing my soul.

Special Assistent to Ed Dition: Quit your whining...this completely negates my entire existence...I'm not the orginal nor the new and improved...

Chancellor Palpatine: Both of you should feel free to take your seats...permanently.

*Orig'nell Trillgee and Special Assistent to Ed Dition fall to the floor mysteriously choking*

Mark Etor of the Publicity Guild: If it pleases the Senate, I'd like to have a word with this Spi Leak.

Chancellor Palpatine: Sure why not...we've bascially thrown out any sort of procedure months ago...

Mark Etor of the Publicity Guild: Great, thanks. Spi-Leak, you have been found guilty of unauthorized publishing of Univerally copyrighted material, since this is your first offense, the sentance is death.

Spi-Leak: Ha! It does not matter the truth has set me free...power to the Phanz man!

*A cloaked Uber-Arch Ivalboxx S'ett takes out Spi-Leak with a single silenced shot from his kyber dart rifle*

Mark Etor of the Publicity Guild: Silly boy...we do not care about these "work in process" pictures...we're just, um, playing around with some ideas for the future...yeah, that's it. Just silly doctored photos created by the Phanz.

Chancellor Palpatine: So silly you had to disrupt my Senate hearings and make a mess that undoubtedly I will have to have cleaned up?

Mark Etor of the Publicity Guild: Right, well I must be going now. If anyone is interested, we've got some great cloning technology in the works, if anyone interested in subscribing to our service, you'll get a great cloning magazine and some exclusive stuff that...

Viceroy Snaggletooth: Please...I tried to subscribe to your service, and sure I got some of the stuff, but your magazine mailing fleet does not ship to my sector. Great ******** deal you got there you ***** **** *** ******* *** ************* ******* ******!

Mark Etor of the Publicity Guild: Wow, look at the time. Long live the Republic!

Chancellor Palpatine: While I agree with the Viceroy, will the senate recorder please strike out the various alien curses...last thing we need is the Decency Guild coming in here due to a "translator malfunction".

 

(sorry, I refuse to let this thread die)