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Before - Legends What She Saw: "No way... Shiny awards for ME?!"

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by raisedbywolves, Oct 10, 2005.

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  1. raisedbywolves

    raisedbywolves Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 1, 2005
    Well, this turned out super weird, but I'm posting it anyway.

    Neon Star dared me:

    Write a story without Qui-gon in it. He cannot even be mentioned, unless in a very negative sense. Xanatos must be mentioned. If you don't know who Xanatos is, you don't need to add him.

    The story must have one OC, in a major role. Obi-wan must be present to whine about something to said OC, though, that does not have to be the point of the story.

    This story must be either humorous or horribly angsty, your choice.

    Hair, leashes, finger tips, and blood, must be mentioned.


    ..........

    Title: What She Saw

    Author: Me

    Time Frame: Post-JA, Obi-Wan is probably around 19.

    Genre: Challenge, "horribly angsty", generally odd

    Summary: Bartenders are witnesses to many conversations.

    Disclaimer: None of these characters, except for she of the intentionally unpronouncable name, belong to me. I just like to play with them. And I would like to offer a general apology to all Obi-lovers, I honestly have no decent excuse for... well, you'll see.

    EDIT: Haha, it's not actually late! YAY!


    ..........

    Oh, um, good evening to you too, Officer.

    Yes, I suppose I could answer a few questions. But could we keep this quick? I got kids at home. Yeah, six, actually. Oldest one?s sixteen, but you know how it is, none of ?em can get to sleep without seeing Mama home safe, and I don?t exactly got the money for a comlink to call and tell what?s going on.

    Name? Well, um, let me just spell it for you, okay? That?s normally a lot easier. First name: Möirilh, that?s M, O with an umlaut ? yeah, two dots up top ? I, R, I, L, H. Last name: Kmtschtk. K, M, T, S, C, H, T, K.

    Oh, Officer, you?re a funny man. Can I buy a vowel? You know, I?ve never actually heard that one before, that?s great.

    Uh-uh, not a citizen, not yet. I?m from Nsmirtük, way on the edge of the Outer Rim. Maybe you?ve heard of it ? they had a big benefit concert here a couple of years ago, to support aid efforts. Couldn?t tell you if it helped a whole lot, though. Kinda hard to aid people who?ve been busy slaughtering their neighbors for the past fifty years, longest-running civil war in the galaxy, what a record, huh?

    Of course, I always keep my work permit on me, can?t be too careful, there you are, Officer. I?ve been on planet for two years.

    Thirty-two years old.

    Human. Well, mostly. It says ?full-blooded? on my passport, because, well, let me put it this way. Back home the natives kill the humans and the humans kill the natives, but who they both hate more than anyone, that?s us halfbreeds. Been meaning to get that passport changed, though. Get my kids? ones changed too. It?s just? You constantly have to remind yourself there?s nothing more to hide from, you know?

    Jedi? Funny you should ask that, I seen plenty of ?em, all the time. I just got off work, I tend bar at this little dive right up close to the Temple. Pretty odd, huh, but I didn?t even think about that when I applied there. How was I supposed to know what that big old tower was? Anyway, they come in pretty often, yeah. Awful slow tonight, though.

    Well, uh, hmm. I, uh, hmm. Well, to tell you the truth, yes, Officer, one Jedi did come in tonight. Yes. One did.

    Now, let me think here. He was human. Brown hair, sort of reddish, actually. It was cut like the younger ones seem to like it, about this short and spiky, with this funny little braid down one side. Pale skin, grayish kind of eyes, not especially tall, more like a little stocky, not a bad-looking guy.

    Wearing? Well you know. Brown cloak, brown boots, whitish robes, the usual getup.

    Yes, you can bet I did notice some odd things about him, Officer. The entire night was just plain odd, I?d say.

    Sure, sure I can elaborate on that. For starters, he comes in all alone. Jedi don?t tend to really do that, they run around in big groups, or at least in twos or threes, kind of like, very social beings, see? Not this one. He waves me righ
     
  2. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2002
    You can't stop there!!! :eek: Dang cliffie! Where's Qui-Gon? What's in the envelope? Why is Xanatos still alive???

    Great job but I want more!
     
  3. raisedbywolves

    raisedbywolves Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 1, 2005
    Thanks, Diane. Haha, how embarassing, here I sit waiting for replies [face_blush]

    Well, it is Part 1 of 2. But considering the dare, don't expect any kind of happy resolution. I'm just saying...

    How did you like the, ummm, "unique" style?
     
  4. Alethia

    Alethia Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 13, 2005
    Ooh, very interesting! And I liked the style. It's intriguing and you can really get to know the speaker that way. Great beginning and I can't wait for more.
     
  5. Princess_Arulmozhi

    Princess_Arulmozhi Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 16, 2004
    Oh, I likey the style (Can I buy a vowel? har har.). I really, really really like. And like Diane, I'm gnawing my fingernails off. What was in that sarlacc/sabacc hand-like envelope? How did Xanatos escape???????????


    Argh. Post, post, post!!!!!
     
  6. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2002
    I like the style, too. Makes it more immediate and adds an air of confusion from the OC to the curiosity of what is going on!

    As for waiting for people to post their comments, we all do it! [face_blush] I'm notorious for doing that! That's what the refresh button is for...LOL.
     
  7. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    Wow! Great entry! I am looking forward to part two wtih great anticipation! [face_praying] =D=
     
  8. Indra

    Indra Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 31, 2003
    That was brilliant. Wonderful style, funny one moment (loved the bit about the vowel) and heartwrenching the next. Great work and I'm also eagerly waiting for more.
     
  9. LuvEwan

    LuvEwan Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 24, 2002
    That was amazing! :eek: I loved the realistic dialogue, and the way the narrator described certain things. The ending was so creepy...I just can't for more! =D=
     
  10. Lola64

    Lola64 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 10, 2005
    I pick humorous, very humorous.[face_laugh]

    Loved how she was giving a report to the coppers.

    I too must know the contents of said envelope.

    This was very uniquely done. Loved it. =D=
     
  11. Layren

    Layren Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Oct 28, 2003
    Wow! What an entry! Awesome style -- love how you've managed to totally draw us into Obi-Wan's world through the eyes of someone else... and what is in the envelope!!


    *is dying to know* post part two soon!
     
  12. raisedbywolves

    raisedbywolves Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 1, 2005
    Wow, that's a lot of responses, people! I can't tell you how flattered I am right now, especially since some of you are *my* favorite authors. I hope Part 2 doesn't disappoint!

    I liked the style. It's intriguing and you can really get to know the speaker that way
    Thanks Alethia! I had fun deciding how to make her speak, since she's a foreigner and probably has little formal education. The inspiration came mostly from Turkish-born German speakers, especially when she adds phrases like "well you know" or "you can bet".

    P_A:
    What was in that sarlacc/sabacc hand-like envelope?
    Gosh dang it! Only I could manage to confuse a card game with a massive, toothy hole in the ground!

    How did Xanatos escape???????????
    You know... He actually wouldn't tell me, either.

    diane, I do love it how people here make me feel normal!

    Oh thank you, VaderLVR! I hope you enjoy the rest...

    Indra:
    Wonderful style, funny one moment (loved the bit about the vowel) and heartwrenching the next.
    Yeah, even when I'm supposed to be angsty, I can't resist the gallows humor. Maybe we can just call that realism. After all, the real world is tragic and hilarious all at once. And in this case of course, the officer uses corny jokes to deal with his depressing job, and Mörilh would definitely have needed an unflappable spirit to survive her homeworld.

    LuvEwan: That was amazing! Awww, all this oldbie praise is really making me blush... Don't hate the ending *too* much. BTW your signature quote always produces fangirl giggles from me!

    Lola: I pick humorous, very humorous. My, you have a dark sense of humor.

    Layren: Thank you!







     
  13. raisedbywolves

    raisedbywolves Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 1, 2005
    And now for Part 2!

    .......

    In that envelope there?s a whole stack of photographs printed out as flimsies. That Jedi?s looking through, he?s looking through, and he looks none too excited about what he sees.

    ?How did you get these?? he bursts out.

    ?What does that matter?? says the man. ?Cooperate with me to the letter, and they?ll be destroyed; otherwise, I?ll arrange for them to fall into the hands of the Council, and you?ll simply have to face the consequences of your actions. Oh, and so will she, of course.?

    ?I?d rather trust to their mercy than bind myself to any conditions of yours!?

    Well the man just tosses back his head and laughs at that like to make your blood run cold. ?Mercy?? he says. ?Surely you can?t believe they have it in them to forgive you. What would they do, assign you each a few days of penitent meditation and trust that alone would cool your desire? No, these pictures are proof that you?ve known a joy forbidden to your cold and calculating kind, forbidden because it cares nothing for the Force, for the dictates of the Council or the principles of your pithy little Code. The mere fact that you?ve escaped their control in this manner makes you a threat, a heretic, an enemy.?

    ?That?s nonsense!? But the Jedi don?t sound all too sure of himself.

    ?And,? says the man, just like the Jedi hadn?t even said a thing, ?it will make them jealous. They will hate you for your happiness, the happiness they?ve denied themselves, and that alone will be reason enough for them to expel you. Especially since the only one who would have been foolish enough to defend you is dead. Finally.?

    No, Officer, I never did get a look at those pictures. But I think I can guess, can?t you?

    Should I keep telling?

    Okay, well, after that the Jedi starts to get real nervous, I can see his fingertips tapping on the bar. ?And what should I care if they do?? he blusters. ?We?ll still have one another. You can?t take that away from us.?

    Scarface man just leans back in his chair and shakes his head. ?Oh, your mild-mannered and forgiving colleague wouldn?t dream of holding a grudge against the one whose tender advances led to her expulsion, whose love caused her to lose the only home she ever knew.? Now he?s talking slow and deliberate, like every word should hurt. ?Sooner or later, one of you would crack. And then you?d be alone. Disgraced and forgotten, a useless piece of flotsam wandering the galaxy like a homeless ghost, bereft of all purpose, waiting for the mercy of death. Would you risk that??

    Oh, and the Jedi, that hits him real hard. He?s all slumped over, gone pale, like he knows he?s lost. So he just asks, what?s he got to do?

    Guy takes him all rough by the arm, pulls him in close, the Jedi?s shrinking away, looking like a beat-up little boy. And the man?s talking, he?s muttering too quiet for me to hear. I don?t know what he?s saying, but the look on his face is terrible, all stony cold and kind of triumphant, I guess you?d say. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it. I never saw such a face.

    But before he?s even done telling, the Jedi springs up out his chair, and it knocks over and clatters on the floor. ?Never,? he says, no, he downright shouts it and he don?t care who hears. ?Never!?

    Scarface man just holds up his little envelope of pictures.

    ?Not for anything!? the Jedi says, ?cause he sure enough knew what that was supposed to mean. He turns his back and he barges right on towards the door. Already got his hand on the knob, and the scarface man kinda hisses:

    ?Twenty-four hours.?

    ?I?ve made my decision,? the Jedi says, and he?s all the sudden calm, like it don?t have anything to do with anything.

    Then he?s gone, just like that. I watch that door swinging shut, and I guess I must entirely have forgot about that glass I was cleaning, because it just slips out of my hand and smashes in pieces all over the floor.

    I?m looking down at that glass, see, and I don?t need to look up because I can feel well enough that scarface man wat
     
  14. ladylaurel18

    ladylaurel18 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 12, 2005
    That poor Jedi...

    :_|


    I loved it. Gave me the chills, and me sniffle at least a little at the end. I want to pick up a shovel and go after that guy with the pictures.

    And I want to smack the Jedi Council upside the head for being unforgiving.
     
  15. Princess_Arulmozhi

    Princess_Arulmozhi Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 16, 2004
    Wow. That was a truly beautiful piece. And I feel awful about the end of the Jedi - and I wish I could just wring Scarface's neck. :mad:

    Beautiful style, rbw. It brings the story very close to the reder - and flows gracefully. The Oc's perfect (especially, exclaiming about the credit chips and the six little ones). Excellent work. =D=
     
  16. Lola64

    Lola64 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 10, 2005
    This was really great.

    Too bad about the Jedi. I'm sure there was no need really but maybe he thought it was the only option left.

    Great job. =D=
     
  17. LuvEwan

    LuvEwan Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 24, 2002
    Oh what an ending. :eek: That was spectacular, rbw! =D=
     
  18. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Community Squirrel Whisperer star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Jul 7, 2000
    Holy smokes!!! That ending came as quite the surprise. Excellent answer to that dare!
     
  19. Indra

    Indra Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 31, 2003
    Wow, didn't expect that at the end. Wonderful way of saying only what needs to be said and leaving the rest to the reader. =D=
     
  20. raisedbywolves

    raisedbywolves Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 1, 2005
    Thanks again, everyone :) Glad you enjoyed it!

    ladylaurel: I want to pick up a shovel and go after that guy with the pictures. *hands over Xanatos and an assortment of blunt objects* Yeah, blackmail is just about as low as you can go, eh? What a jerk.

    Princess_A: I feel awful about the end of the Jedi - and I wish I could just wring Scarface's neck. Haha... I've actually got you calling Xan Scarface and Obi "that Jedi". I consider that a nice compliment!

    exclaiming about the credit chips and the six little ones I'm so glad you liked Mörilh. I enjoyed writing someone whose clear priorities are her survival and her children. And I did have to work at making it flow, so thank you.

    Lola: maybe he thought it was the only option left. Well, I really tried to suggest that nothing at all is going well for Obi right now. Qui-Gon's dead, and I bet things aren't working out that well with Siri. But all in all, I'd have had a lot more explaining to do if this were told from his perspective.

    LuvEwan: If a writer like you says it's spectacular, then I know I did well! Thanks!

    Healer_L: Excellent answer to that dare! Thank you. I guess I figured it doesn't get much angstier than jumping off of high buildings. When in doubt, overdo it...

    Indra: Wonderful way of saying only what needs to be said and leaving the rest to the reader. Thanks. I wanted to treat a sensitive topic gently, and after all it's obvious that this crowd is very, very, very imaginative. That was definitely part of the fun, knowing that people would be able to identify the characters and fill in the blank spots without too much overt hinting and prodding.

    Once again, I'm flattered! [:D]
     
  21. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2002
    I don't know how I missed the second part. Loved the ending and the way you left it to the imagination of the reader. I also liked the way you couldn't tell what the scarred man wanted from the Jedi but you could figure it out by the way the Jedi reacted to the whole thing.

    Great job.
     
  22. DarthMousche

    DarthMousche Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 16, 2005
    This is such a wonderful, imaginative piece. Your OC's personality is just engaging, especially how she rambles a little off-topic at times, and I love how it allows us to fill in the blanks.
     
  23. Darth_Pixel

    Darth_Pixel Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jan 17, 2003
    Padawan, that was AMAZING! What the heck do you need me for?! I loved that so much, especially the POV. Unique little pieces like this are what make fanfic.

    <insert masterly prodding for a full fic here>

    Pixie
     
  24. Knight_Dilettante

    Knight_Dilettante Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 24, 2002
    :eek: =D= That was fantastic!!!!! Well, except for the part where... :( And the part where I'm worried about her future for talking to the Officer. I mean those were both fantastic but you know, sad and scary and wow.

    And golly I want to know more about this character. You just did an amazing job with her. Just amazing.

    =D=

    KD
     
  25. raisedbywolves

    raisedbywolves Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 1, 2005
    Hey, more replies!

    diane: Thanks! Yes, I figured you could probably think up an appropriate demand from Xanatos all on your own. What a great audience to write for.

    DarthMousche (hmm, I read "darth mousse"... evil chocolate dessert... well anyway...): Your OC's personality is just engaging I am awfully proud of her, so thank you.

    Master Mine: Padawan, that was AMAZING! *bows* Thank you! What the heck do you need me for?! Well, for one thing, this: masterly prodding for a full fic ;) And I do have an idea, I'll talk to you about it soon.

    K_D: That was fantastic!!!!! I'm glad you think so! I'm worried about her future for talking to the Officer. Ah, I think she'll be OK. I'm not the type to leave six kids with post-traumatic stress disorder all alone in the bowels of Coruscant. I want to know more about this character And I'm almost sure I'll be using her again! Good to see you back around here.

     
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