JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

Chuck Norris was bitten by a rattle snake. After three days of suffering and agony, the rattle snake died.

 

What did the director say to his cast and crew on the first day of "Hulk" ?

"Don't make me Ang-Lee , you wouldn't like me when I'm Ang-Lee."

 

Why did Marvel start putting ads on the Hulk's back?

Because he was one giant Banner.

 

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "If I show you something amazing, can I get a free drink?"
"Sure" the barman replies, at which point the man takes a frog out of his pocket, which hops across the bar, onto the floor, and up onto the bar's piano, where he starts playing wonderful music.
"That is amazing" the barman says, and pours the man a drink.
Soon after, the man says "If I show you something even more amazing, can I get another free drink?"
"More amazing than that? This better be good" the barman replies
The man pulls out a mouse from his other pocket, which runs across the bar to the piano where the frog is playing, and begins to sing beautifully.
"Incredible" the barman says, pouring the man another drink "Say, would you ever consider selling that mouse?"
"I would only sell the mouse for $100" the man replies
"Deal" the barman says passing him the money from the cash register.
As the man collects his frog and heads for the door, the barman calls after him, laughing
"A hundred bucks for that mouse? I think you got robbed friend"
"Not really" replies the man "The frog is also a ventriloquist"

 

I showed up late at the cannibal convention. They gave me the cold shoulder.

What do you call a bee that eats other bees? Hannibal Nectar.

When can cannibals leave the table? Only after everyone's eaten.

Cannibals are fed up with people.

As soon as I arrived at the cannibal dinner party, somebody gave me a handshake. It was delicious.

 

Paddy is walking down the street, and all of a sudden his friend Murphy pulls up next to him in a van.
"Paddy" shouts Murphy "Can you do me a favour? I was supposed to take these monkeys to the zoo but something has come up. If I give you £20, will you take them for me?"
Paddy agrees and, taking the £20 note, he sets off in Murphy's van
A short time later Murphy sees Paddy coming back in the van, still with the monkeys in the back.
"Paddy" Murphy shouts "I thought you were going to take those monkeys to the zoo?"
"I did" Paddy replies "But I have some money left so I'm taking them to the cinema now"

 

A woman walks into the veterinary office with a duck.
"Madam, that duck is dead" the vet informs her
"Dead? I don't believe it" the woman cries
The vet disappears and comes back a second later with a Labrador dog which sniffs the duck, before the vet takes it out of the room
"Madam, the duck is definitely dead" the vet tells her again
"I still don't believe it" the woman sobs
The vet disappears again and this time returns with a cat, which sniffs the duck, before the vet takes it out of the room
"Madam, I am sorry to confirm that the duck is most certainly dead. Now that will be $200"
"$200!" the woman exclaims "Just to tell me my duck is dead?"
"No madam" the vet replies "It was $20 to tell you that your duck is dead. The other costs are for the Lab Report and Cat Scan"

 

Murphy was proud of his nail making business and decided to employ an advertising company to help promote it. He had visions of Murphy’s Nails being the best nail making company in all of Ireland.
So he went to a top advertising agency to have them create a marketing strategy for the company.
The agency assured him they could create a memorable television advertising campaign in just a week.
Murphy was over the moon when he heard this, he just couldn’t wait to see what ideas they came up with to advertise his business.
The following week, Murphy went back to the advertising agency and was shown in to a small theatre where they allowed him to view the finished commercial.
The lights went off and the screen sprang into life.
The commercial began with view of a sunset over a desert.
The camera panned around to a hill and then zoomed in to the top of the hill.
At the top of the hill was a wooden pole.
The camera then panned up the pole, to where a couple of feet were hanging.
It then carried on up to a man’s torso, up to his face, and there to Murphy’s horror was Jesus’s face.
The camera then panned along an outstretched arm, to a hand pinned firmly to a stake by a gleaming nail.
On the nail was proudly emblazoned: “Murphy’s Nails”.
Finally, a caption appeared on the screen “Murphy’s nails – they’ll never let you down”.

Well, as you might expect, Murphy was outraged at what he had just seen.
“You will get me shut down”, he screamed at the campaign manager, “That there is just blasphemous! I’ll give you a week to come up with a decent campaign, or I will go elsewhere”.
A week later Murphy went back to the advertising agency and was shown into the theatre again.
“This had better be an improvement”, he warned the campaign manager.
So, the lights dimmed, the screen leaped into life and the revised commercial began to play.
On the screen was a Roman street with lots of people milling about.
The camera then panned quickly to left to see Jesus running like hell down the street, being pursued by two Roman guards.
The camera then zoomed in on the two guards, to catch one saying to the other, “This would never have happened if we had used Murphy’s nails”.

 

A man walks into the doctor's surgery.
"Doctor" the man cries "I'm in so much pain"
"Whereabouts?" the doctor enquires
"Everywhere" the man replies
"What I want you to to do is this" the doctor says to him "Point to every place on your body that you feel pain"
"Here" the man says, pointing to his head, "and here" pointing to his other arm
"Here" he goes on, pointing at his stomach "and here too" pointing to his knee
The doctor examines him, and then begins to write in his notes
"I think I know what the problem is" he looks up at the man "You have broken your finger"

 

Doctor, the Invisible Man is here to see you.
Tell him I can't see him right now.

 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Quick,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said “Pretend you’re a statue!”
“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he whispered to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damn thing.”

 

Found some kittens in a suitcase by the side of the road today. I wasn’t sure what to do so I rang the ASPCA.
Took a while to get through, but finally managed it and a very helpful lady asked me if they were moving.
I said “I hadn’t thought of that, but it would explain the suitcase”


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men who immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"
"It feels great" the man replied "but I still think my thumb's broken!"


Just had two police officers come up to me
They asked me the following questions:
"Are you familiar with the letters HB?"
"No, I am not" I replied.
"How about LS?"
"No"
"What about JD?"
"Hang on a minute" I said "Am I a suspect or something?"
"No" the officers replied "These are just our initial enquiries"

 

Why do people going on vacation like using elephants?
Plenty of trunk space.

 

What is the brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.

 

My favorite dad joke is when Dad said, "I cut my own hair...both of them."