JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal until the pressure got to him.

 

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. So we went and had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

 

What starts with an 'o' and ends with 'nions' and can make you cry?

Opinions.

 

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump.

But that's comparing apples to oranges.

 

I wonder what our parents did to fight boredom before there was an internet.

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either.

 

They say if you meet a bear you should play dead.
I thought they said to play Dad.
Now the bear knows how to shake a man's hand and tie a tie.
He seemed happy.

 

I like to get my pizza delivered.


But honestly, I have no idea why there was liver on it.

 

So, this guy walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he's got a chocolate cake for a head. The bartender asks the guy what the hell happened to him.

The guy says, "Well, I found this old lamp and when I rubbed it, out comes this genie and he says I get three wishes."

"Well, what did you wish for?" the bartender says.

"Well, for my first wish . . . I wished to be the wealthiest man in the world and, sure enough, when I looked up my bank balance, it was true.

And then for my second wish . . . I wished to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world and sure enough, there she was, standing right next to me!

And then for my third wish . . . and now this is where I think I screwed up . . . I wished to have a chocolate cake for a head."

 

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought, "The streets are strangely desserted tonight."

 

When you die people cry and beg for you to come back.

But when you do, it's nothing but running and screaming and fighting.

 

Ha! I’ve heard this one before, but instead of chocolate cake, it was a Big Orange Head.

Ok, here’s one.

Two friends are chatting and one says “I had the worst Freudian slip the other day. I was ordering plane tickets to Pittsburgh from a beautiful attendant, and I accidentally asked her for two pickets to Tittsburgh.”

The other friend laughs and replies,

“Oh man, I just had the same kind of Freudian slip too! The other night I was having dinner with my wife and her parents, and instead of asking my mother-in-law to pass the butter, I said ‘You stupid *****, you’ve ruined my life.”

 

A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Is the bartender here?"

 

When trying to kill a vampire, aim for the heart. The stakes have never been higher.

 

I never said you were stupid. I was just taken aback when I asked you how to spell Mississippi and you asked if I meant the river or the state.

 

Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by people who copy and paste things to their statuses.
Many people won't copy and paste this, but my truly sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they're sarcastic by nature.
If you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate bacon, and if you hate bacon, the terrorists win, and a unicorn dies. Possibly puppies as well, and occasionally baby goats, but never dragons, unless there is ketchup involved.