JCC What's your favorite dumb joke?

I just love pressing F5 , it's so refreshing.

 

A guy walks into a rooftop bar. Another bloke flies through the window, around the bar and then sits down next to him.

"How d'you do that?" Asks the first man?
"I drink Guinness" replies the man who flew.
"I'll have a Guinness please" says the first man to the barman. Taking a swig, he jumps off of his stool and dives out of the window and plummets to his death.

"You know you can be a right *******, superman" says the barman.

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . "

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says :

"You just happened to catch my eye. "

 

An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican & a German are watching a street performer. Suddenly the performer realizes that they have a pretty poor view, so he gets up on a small platform. "Can you see me now?" he calls to them.

"Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

 

I heard Edward Woodward tell this story on a chat show :

I'll never forget the first time I met the great Lawrence Olivier , I said my name's Edward Woodward .
It's what ?
Edward Woodward .
Sounds like a fart in a bath.

 

Not my favorite bad joke but this weekend when I was preparing my morning bagel I started singing, "Schmear I am! Spread me on an Everything!" to the tune of the Scorpions, "Rock me like a Hurricane" and my god I can't stop singing it! It's too good!

 

Why do women over 50 no longer have a menstrual period?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.

 

If dumb songs about bagels are allowed, I have this one I sing to Madonna's "Isla Bonita:"

Last night I dreamt of some bagels
It all seemed like yesterday not far away
Everything, and poppyseed, garlic, salt, and blueberry
This is what I long to eat
La isla bage-ita




. . . I'll show myself out.

 

The advantage of Easy Origami is two-fold .

 

I remember once my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill, but instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I had done, and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad opened the door, there outside our house was a brand new car.

We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity.

 

If impersonating David Blaine is a crime then lock me up and throw away the key.

 

Why don't they put advertisements on the Hulk? After all, he is a large Banner.

 

A duck goes into a bar:

Duck: Got any crumbs?
Barman: No
Duck: Got any crumbs?
Barman: No
Duck: Got any crumbs?
Barman: No, and ask me that one more time and I'll nail your beak to the bar!
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No
Duck: Got any crumbs?

 

A young woman walked into a bar and heard someone say, "You're beautiful!" "I like your hair!" "That dress is gorgeous."

She asked the bartender who was saying that.

He said, "The peanuts. They're complimentary."

 

She then hears, "You bastard, you're as ugly as your mother!"

Again she asks the bartender who is saying that.

"That's the cigarette machine," he says, "it's out of order."

 

Then she hears "forward...MARCH!....uuuurghh!!"

"and who was that?" she asked

"That was the bell. Its last orders"

 

A woman walks into a drugstore and says, "I need a vibrator."

"Come this way," the druggist says as he beckons her to follow him into the back room.






In order to hopefully avoid an edit, I'll leave you to puzzle out the punch-line for yourselves.

 

he beats her head in, chops her into small cube-like pieces and stores them in his fridge?

 

I was at the dentists earlier. She said "Can you say Aaaah?". I said 'Why?' She said "cos my dog's died".

 

He then converts the cube like pieces into a potato salad. A few weeks later the potato salad jumps out of the fridge and beats the druggist to death. His last words are "I can't believe the potato salad went bad".

 

Two women sitting together having breakfast.
A: "I'm very confused lately. Recently I wanted to tell my husband: Please give me the butter. Instead, I said, please give me the butler"
B: "Same happened to me. We were having breakfast and I wanted to say to my husband: Can you give me the orange juice."
A: "And ....?
B: "Instead I said: You freakin' bastard ruined my entire life."

 

How many SW fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and whinge.

 

I didn't make this one, I just agree with it.

 

What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom!