Sigh.
I promised to write this for the One Hit Wonder challenge.
https://boards.theforce.net/threads/one-hit-wonder-challenge.50048198/
So now I have completed my contractual obligations.
Heaven help me.

The title pretty much says it all. Don't go looking for anything canon in this.
I've mucked about with with embedding some YouTube videos in this.
Maybe that's against rules, but, bah, who needs rules.

Keywords: Jabba, Howard, Duck, Babes, Intergalactic Pigs, Turtles, Golden Tony, Shreddin', Vanilla

 

(Sung to the tune of “Disco Duck”)

When Howard The Duck Met Jabba the Hutt




“Thank you! We love ya!” Howard cried out the audience, waving his guitar above his head.
The crowd was roared and jumped and called for more. Cherry Bomb had been totally rad tonight. With high spiky hair and tight gold costumes, they shredded up a storm with their electric guitars and keytars. Punk Goddesses kickin’ ass.

And at the front strutted Howard. A 3 foot tall duck in a shiny silver jacket, cool black tie and brown silk trousers playing a mean guitar solo. A glorious night.
Now backstage, he hugged his babe Beverly, the lead singer of Cherry Bomb.
“Not bad for a duck from outer space” he said to her.
“You did great ducky”, she smiled back and bent down to kiss his little orange beak.
Ho boy. Howie was gonna get lucky tonight.

It had been an eventful day. That afternoon Howard had saved Bev, and the Earth, from a creature that had called itself the Dark Overlord. A beast of many teeth and claws and hands that could shoot out tongues that had claws on their ends. He blasted it with a Disintegrator gun, and then turned the gun on the Laser Spectroscope to prevent an intergalactic invasion.

The Laser Spectroscope however was his only way back to Duckworld, but his home was now here with Toots and playing gigs with Cherrybomb. Life’s like that.

Out front the crowd was still cheering and stomping and refusing to go home.
Off to the side of the stage stood Dr Walter Jennings and his intern/janitor Phil who had been monitoring Howard with a Boson Inferometer. A hand held box with blinking lights, occasional beeps, and little spinning thingies attached to the top. They were monitoring Howards activities, trying to collect more data on the nature of his intergalactic duckiness. These were critical studies into the nature the Multiverse that may also someday help return Howard to Duckworld.

“Phil, look at this”, said Doctor Jennings. His Inferometer had started beeping louder.
“What does it mean?” asked Phil. Gradually the beeps grew faster and higher.

“Let’s go do one more song”, Bev said backstage, still on a high of love and adrenaline.
She picked up her guitar. “Come on girls!”

“Oh dear.” muttered Doctor Jennings.

There was a mighty rumble and flash somewhere out front.
A deep body shaking whoomp blasting air before it, knocking much of the crowd off its feet.

“Howard! What was that?” screamed Beverly and they both ran to see.

The entrance to the hall was filled with a shimmering, misty, orange light. A swirling cloudy tube leading off into infinity. It was a Interdimensional Portal, not unlike the one Howard had disintegrated earlier that day.

The crowd staggered back onto its feet. Crying and groaning at first, but then captivated by what was before them.

“It’s beautiful”, said a punk with a number of safety pins piercing various places.

Out of the mists of the Portal stepped… pigs. Huge green grunting pigs walking on their hind legs. They wore some sort of medieval costume made of fur and armor and carrying long poleaxes. The crowd took a few steps back.

“My god” said Doctor Jennings. “There’s a Pigworld too.”

Our pinned punk stepped forwards to greet the pig who seemed to be in charge.
“Hey man. Awesome costume. Love the shoulderpads.”
He spread his arms in a grand gesture. “Welcome to Cleveland pig dudes!”

The Boss Pig snarled with his huge flappy lips and teeth, and let out a loud “SQUEEEEE”, and grabbed the punk, lifted him in the air, and threw him across the hall. All his soldier pigs let out loud squeals of their own, and pointed their spears forwards.

The crowd screamed and ran towards the stage in panic, knocking people down, as the pigmen marched forwards.
People bashed at the emergency exit doors on the sides of the hall, and soon were rushing out into the streets.

“Chair. Ree. Bomb.” Boss Pig said deeply, using sounds his mouth was not used to making.
He looked up at the stage where Beverly was standing with her band. “Jabba want yoo!” and pointed directly at her.

“Over my dead body, Piggo!” announced Howard, stepping forwards into a martial arts pose.
“Yeah! Hands off Cherry Bomb!” yelled a punk, and a bunch of them moved to the front of the stage, piercings shining in the spotlights. Armed with chains and flick-knives and baseball bats.
The Intergalactic Pigs pointed their spears at the punks, ready for a fight.
The situation was tense. Violence about to erupt.

“STOP! STOP! Oh dear.” cried a high pitched British accent.
Out of the swirling portal stepped a golden robot.

“So robots now.”, whispered Doctor Jennings, watching safely at the side of the stage.

“I told them this was a bad idea but nobody listens do they.” the robot muttered as it walked forwards in front of the Pig soldiers.
“Excuse me. Everybody please. Put down your weapons.” He awkwardly waved his stiff arms at the Pigs. “Down. Down.” and with a little reluctance and grunting they rested their spears back on their shoulders.

“Good evening to you all. Ladies, talking duck, street urchins. Hello. I am See Threepio. Human Cyborg relations. I bring you greetings from the Mighty Jabba.” The robot perform a small bow of respect.

“And who is this Mighty Jabba? Hey Toots,” Howard turned to Beverly, “What do you reckon? A big gorilla? A dinosaur? A...”
The portal flashed orange lights and swirls of laser effects.
“Well, I would never have guessed that.” said Howard as a 5 foot tall slug slithered out of the portal.

“I present to you, the Great and Mighty Jabba the Hutt.” The Gold Robot gestured a hand back to the enormous slug. It licked the lips of it’s huge hideous mouth as it slid up to the foot of the stage.

“Ahhh. Mah boo-kee, mahl boon yan ya bohtoh dal eel ah, Cher Ree Bom” The Great and Mighty Jabba’s deep booming voice rumbled as he wiggled his little slug arms.
“The slug has arms.”, whispered Beverly.

The gold robot trotted forwards.

“His Majesty, The Great And Mighty Jabba The Hutt, is very impressed with your music. We have heard you through this hyperspace portal, and find your shredding to be most rad.”

“Uh huh. Always good to get new fans.” replied Bev.

“The Mighty Jabba has his own house band, and for the entertainment of all present here today, he proposes a challenge. Here and now.”

As the robot chattered away, more creatures stepped out of the Portal. A little floppy blue creature, something that looked a bit like a bug, and, well…. “What. Is. That?” muttered Howard. It was almost impossible to describe. The creature had spindly long legs, eyes on stalks, and a long, long string bean of a snout with quite lushious kissable lips on the end. With bright red lipstick.

“I present to you the Max Rebo Band. And announce the first ever Intergalactic…”

“BATTLE OF DE BANDS. HO HO HO”, Jabba the Slug boomed out.

The strange menagerie of alien musicians shuffled up the stair of the stage, with a couple of Pig Roadies lugging their instrument cases.

“Ek shi”, a green bug beast said apologetically, and Cherry Bomb moved over to the side to let Max Rebo and his band set up and sound check. The lipstick creature level checked her mic.
“Tthh. Tthh. Hon. Doh. Treh.” SKREEEAAAA. Feedback. The sound tech up the back adjusted his knobs.

“Hey! Oscar! Golden Tony!” called out Howard. “What’s the prize? Are you the trophy? Heh heh heh.” he grinned at Bev.

The slug held out a sticky hand and opened his fingers with some drama to show a single, huge, diamond. It refracted the stage lights that hit it like a million dollar mirror ball.

“Ohhhhh”, said the entire band as one.

Tony the Robot announced “The Mighty and Most Generous Jabba offers this trinket as a suitable prize.”

The little blue alien tinkled a few keys on his odd circular keyboard, and gave a thumbs up to the sound techie. He gave positive thumbs back.

“Let the battle begin!”


Okay, so the end of that didn’t actually happen. A trapdoor didn’t open in the hall and drop a babe into a pit with a killer dinosaur. Just ignore that bit, okay dear reader?

The pigs and the punks thrashed around to the wild alien rhythms, sometimes crashing into each other, sometimes headbutting. But it was all cool. They were bonding.
The pigs would squeal, and soon the punks were squealing along with them.

Jabba sat in command in the center of the dance floor, swinging his little spindly arm and bobbing to the beat, while Tony the Robot stood beside him feeling somewhat awkward with it all.
“Awww hoot mo maah babe”, Jabba made eyes at a cute punkette.
“Oh I’m too young for you slugsy” she said back and gave him a peck on the cheek.

And then they were done.
The crowd cheered and snorted and squealed and stomped the floor.
People were coming in from outside those crashed open exit doors, wanting to see what was going on. It was becoming an epic night.

“They were awesome. How are we gonna beat that?”, Beverly asked Howard from the side of the stage.
“Hmmm.” Howard pondered for a moment. “Hey Toots, I know just the thing.” and whispered to her his idea. Bev nodded enthusiastically and went to talk to the rest of Cherry Bomb.

“HELLOOOO CINCINNATI!” Howard called out to the crowd.
Everyone cheered.
A pig in the crowd grunted extra loudly.
“I love you too piggy! All the way home!” Howard called back.
“Are you ready to DANCE???”
“Yeah!”
“I can’t hear you!”
“YEAH!” wild roars from the punks and the crush of people coming in the doors.
“Everyone! Put your hands on you hips! And it goes like this!”



The room was full of people and creatures waddling around the room and flapping their elbow wings. It would be pandemonium, if there were pandas in the room. And though there were no pandas, there were turtles.

“Cowabunga! Mister Vanilla Ice, this is gnarly.”
Dressed in his fine crisp black suit, and hair that could cut glass, Mr Ice was not impressed.
“We could do better, boys. You know it.”

Golden Tony trotted through the crowd, “Pardon me. Oh. Excuse me. Oh dear. Pardon…” to the stairs up to stage. He tried to climb them, but his knee joints just refused to bend sufficiently. He looked at a couple of nearby rockers, “Ahem. Kind sirs. Could you give me a lift?”

*doont* *doont* *doont* *squeeeeeee* The robot tapped on the microphone on stage.
“Thank-you everyone for attending this first ever Intergalactic Battle of the Bads. I am sure you have all had as much fun as my owner, The Mighty Jabba The Hutt, has had.”
Tony pointed to the slug, who took a short bow with a self deprecating smile.

“And now, the winner. Drummer, please”.
Dominique, the drummer of Cherry Bomb, made a light rumble of anticipation.

“The winner is…………. Cherry Bomb!”
Beverly erupted, “Ohh Ducky! We’re gonna be so rich!”, and picked up Howard in a huge hug.
The crowd erupted.

“Head on down to Jabba and collect your prize!”

She jumped down from the stage, high-fiving people as she jogged up to Jabba, who held out the diamond.
She reached for it, and he closed his hand.

“Come With Me.” Jabba boomed.
“What? Oh no thank you. I’m a Cincinnati girl.”
“You come.”
Beverly realised that she was now surrounded by pigs.
“Uh, Howie? I think I’m in trouble.”
The slug licked his lips and grabbed at her arm.
She gave him a slap and turned and tried to push through the pigs.
One of them grabbed her and turned to the Portal.

Swoosh Swoosh Swoosh… a guitar flew through the air spinning.
KER-RANG! And smacked into the head of the pig, sending him stumbling.

“Let go of my Toots, Piggos!” and with a running duck-fu leap, Howard jumped off the stage.

And the battle was on, like Donkey Kong.
Punks and Pigs punched and threw things at each other.
Poor little Max Rebo found himself cornered by Dominique. The weird lipstick monster struck a somewhat karate pose intending to save her little blue friend, and so began a martial arts battle up on stage.

“Hey big boy.” Holly the bass guitarist, smiled at the gold robot, and gave him a peck on the cheek. “You’re kind of cute”
“Oh! Please be gentle.”

And of course, “Cowabunga Dudes!” the Ninja turtles waded into the fight, because why not at this point? Mr Vanilla Ice decided the time was right and jumped on stage.



GO NINJA GO NINJA GO
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO
GO! (ice) GO! (ice) GO! GO!
Love that bit.

By the end of Vanilla’s song, the Pigs had all been captured and tied up with conveniently available ropes. The Ninja Turtle pointed their assorted ninja weaponry at Jabba.

“Earth Girls aren’t that easy, Sluggo. No one gets between me and my Toots. I oughta pour salt on ya, you big… you big… you’re really big, ya know.”

“What do we do with ‘em Howie?” asked Bev. “Call the cops?”
“Hmmm. Doctor Jennings! You’ve been in the background and not doing anything all this while. Do you think you could get the previously unmentioned Laser Anti-Spectroscope from laboratory and bring it back here really quickly?”

“I’m on it Howard!”, and off he ran with Phil the intern.

And surprisingly quickly they were back, wheeling in a radar gun thing with glowing lights and a making throbbing humming sound.

“All of you, go home!” Howard pointed to the glowing clouds of the portal which had been swirling away all this time in the back of the hall.

First the Max Rebo Band, then one by one the bruised, limping, pigs, with dejected grunts.
Just before the robot and Jabba took their final steps, the slug boomed,
“HEY JIGGY WA NO MA YEAH GIGORU”
“The Great and Groovy Jabba says that he had a wonderful time and hopes to come to your next gig.” and the robot performed a small bow and stepped into the mist.

“See ya sluggo. Okay Doc, blast the portal!”
But just before the Laser Anti Spectroscope was activated, something flew out of the clouds.
A single shining, impossibly large diamond.

“Neat”.

 

Did I JUST READ THAT? I'm speechless.

 

Great, now I'm sitting at the side of a field waiting for my husband to finish refereeing a High School soccer game, grinning like an idiot and stifling my laugher.
It was already bad enough, and then "Ninja Rap", lol. I (sadly) still remember many of the lyrics to that song, my brothers and I were a wee bit obsessed with a certain quartet of "heroes on a half shell" at the time (Donatello's the coolest, btw; nerdy geeky guys, I fall for 'em every time).

That was awesomely silly, and fun.

 

The original idea was for Beverly to be kidnapped and taken back to Jabba's Palace to perform, and then the Scientists would reopen the portal, with a musical interlude of either "Weird Science", by Oingo Boingo

or Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded Me With Science"


Then Howard and the Turtles would go in and save the day but.... eh. Too much work.

Neither Howard nor Jabba actually do very much in this. C-3PO is the true hero of the story

 

As crazy as a Monty Python scetch, hilarious as a Terry Pratchett novel and a big treat for music lovers.

I went for it because I loved that duck.

 

OK, I'm definitely filing this one under "what did I just read," though in all the best ways! What a wacky, whimsical idea to bring one of Lucas's crackiest efforts together with his most epic, culture-changing one, and what could be a better setting for such a cracky crossover than a battle of the bands at Jabba's palace! I'd be here till the cowabungas come home if I tried to list all the fun, goofy moments that made me smile, though I'll make special mention of a few: See "Golden Tony Oscar" Threepio as interpreter and general straightman, and the appearance of Vanilla Ice and the Turtles, which along with the accompanying video was a fun callback to my 90s youth. Those four Heroes in a Half Shell seem like a perfect fit for Jabba's Palace too—I'd love to see them do that shell crunch maneuver on some hapless Imperial! Thanks so much for this wacky, cracky, hilarious transdimensional romp—always great to have you and your stories here!

 

Ho boy. Howie was gonna get lucky tonight.

Ducky Gets Lucky. What a name for a fic, lol!



“My god” said Doctor Jennings. “There’s a Pigworld too.”

Oink! What you got against pigs? We're makin' bacon out there!



The Boss Pig snarled with his huge flappy lips and teeth, and let out a loud “SQUEEEEE”, and grabbed the punk, lifted him in the air, and threw him across the hall.

I didn't know Napoleon had arrived? Where's Snowball?



People bashed at the emergency exit doors on the sides of the hall, and soon were rushing out into the streets.

Ah, my favorite time of any Dangermouse cartoon, when they... PANIC!!



“STOP! STOP! Oh dear.” cried a high pitched British accent.

I know that voice.



Ladies, talking duck, street urchins.

*head to desk* Oh, dear, Goldenrod. Hilarious line.



“The Mighty Jabba has his own house band, and for the entertainment of all present here today, he proposes a challenge. Here and now.”

So... the Hutt went down to Georgia?



But it was all cool. They were bonding.

Lol, moshing is more like it! Get the punks involved!



“You’re kind of cute”
“Oh! Please be gentle.”

I could see Goldenrod liking it... rough.



“Earth Girls aren’t that easy, Sluggo.

That's not the title of that other movie.


Great story, hilariously done. Though I can't fault Jabba's taste in women. Lea Thompson always has a special place in my heart.

Excellent challenge response, man.

 

Same reaction. I will need some time to process it because I don't know enough about Howard the Duck - but this is so "out there" that even without that it makes for a very interesting read.

And you just won the comments and made me want to use that cat gif commonly know as "what's seen cannot be unseen".