Writer's Challenge 1

Hehehe - okay, I'll strive to make some comments here.

Knight-Ander - I really enjoyed yours. Not only another look at a scene in the movies, but also interestingly done, I think. The way your character described things in terms of scent and sound seemed very natural, and the character didn't really seem to feel or give much attention to his lack of sight. I don't really have any criticism - it was too well done. And I must say, the last line gave me shivers.

BigE - I actually think you managed to create quite the interesting character there. I would enjoy learning more about the blind Lieutenant - such as why even blind as he is, he's even in the Imperial Navy. I would have liked an explanation of that. I liked your descriptions (of everything, pretty much - good insight into the Empire, I think) and how you had your character react to things based on sound, such as when the Admiral stopped and your character became aware of it because he didn't hear the loud footsteps continue. Nicely done.

Lilith Demodae - Very interesting! I liked how you had your main character be an alien - stories from an alien POV aren't common from what I can tell, and you did this one very well. You described actions and reactions in such a manner that you know it's perfectly normal for her. I especially liked how you ended it. The whole thing was very rich in detail, and just wonderfully done.

Kettch_the_Jedi - The first thing I wondered about in the story was who the little sister was. I really enjoyed the end, how you described her being shot and her realization of it - I found it interesting that in her shock, she didn't realize she had been shot, and she smelled her blood - and then it was like that was what made he realize she'd been shot. I think people who could see would probably have looked down to see what happened, but of course for her that'd be useless. So that was nicely done, I thought. As far as criticism, this isn't really criticism , but I guess the only thing I have to say is that Viva seems rather bitter about her blindness - there's nothing wrong with a character being that way, but I would have liked more of an explanation since there aren't other posts in which I can find out later. Anyway, it was very good. Very sad, how they just shot her ( ) and the last thing she sensed was of her sister.

Knight_Dilettante - thanks for your comments! The idea of Smoke is that smoke is easy to remember because there are no small minute details to remember - it's always changing. Then Tahl compares that to her love for Qui-Gon - it's always changing. So even after he's gone, or when he's away, she'll still remember it - like smoke. That makes sense, right? I noted Liam Neeson's voice in other movies I've seen with him on TV - and while he might have deepened his voice for TPM (I haven't seen it in a while, so I don't remember), I don't think he could have deepened it as much as people seem to think it's deep. (That's awkwardly worded! ) It was one of my random observations that I make. I just managed to fit it into a story.



*wipes forehead* I think that's all of them. Whew! That's a long post!

 

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

obaona - you bring up a good question.
I've given it some thought, and I think I've come up two reasons, which I'll have to flesh out in the story I'm writing.

I haven't gotten to the Empire yet.

 

Thanks obaona.

 

My first try at this
*********************

Xander slowly opened his eyes, expecting to see the ceiling of his room. Instead, he saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing. He sat up, holding a hand in front of his face, waving it. He could feel the arm move, but no arm came into view. What happened? All the thoughts of the last few days rushed back into his mind. All his memories of his past life crowded on into everything he'd been taught at his short time with the Jedi.

He suddenly felt stupid, then afraid. A cool breeze swept his room, announcing that the door had opened. "Who is it?" he asked, wondering.

"Master Rolkyn," his master replied.

"What happened, Master?" the student asked.

"The attack blinded your left eye. We have people working on a replacement. Until then, we've blindfolded you completely so as not to strain your right eye."

Xander sputtered. "I'm blind? How long?"

"Temporarily. Until we get the bionic eye. It might take days, maybe weeks."

Xander unconsciously smoothed his blankets with two fingers. "What am I to do until then?"

"You are to keep training. Master Skywalker has said so."

"But without my sight, how can I see anything?"

"You should know by now that there are more ways of seeing than eyesight," Master Rolkyn said firmly. His boots squeaked on the floor as he turned to go out. "I will be sending Ben in to lead you to supper."

"Yes, Master Rolkyn," Xander said. He waited until he heard the assuring click of the door. He moved his hands along the blanket, propelling himself to the edge. Sliding into a standing position, he carefully made his way to his closet and flicked on the light with his right hand. The light reassured him, for he could dimly see it through the bandages.

He walked into the closet, promptly banging his head into the shelf. "Ouch! Forgot that was there," he muttered. He reached up and pulled down a set of clothes. He had dressed in the dark before, and now was no different.

A knock came at his door. "Who is it?" he called.

"It's Ben," the young voice called.

"Wait a sec," called Xander. He stepped back and then fumbled for the door knob. Finding it, he grasped it and turned, opening the door. He smiled at the direction of little Skywalker's voice. "I'm ready to go to supper," he said. "But I'm going to try to get there myself. Just watch me and make sure I don't fall, all right?"

Silence.

"I'm not sure Daddy would like that," Ben said, his nine-year-old voice still squeaky. "He said to bring you to dinner safely."

"I'll be careful and I'll make sure you won't get in trouble," Xander said. He filled himself with the Force and tried to bring the hallway to memory. They were there, like they had always been. He walked to the middle of the hallway and started down it. When he thought he had reached the stairwell, he stopped.

"Ben? You still with me?"

"Yep."

"Are we at the stairwell?"

"Almost. Take two more steps, then turn right."

"Thank you." He followed Ben's instructions and picked his way down the stairs to the dining room, where the Skywalkers and the Masters ate.

He heard chairs scrape against the floor and then footsteps crossed towards him. "Xander," Master Skywalker said, "It's good to see you up again."

"From a certain point of view," the boy replied. "What's for dinner? It smells delicious."

"Your favorite," Skywalker replied. "I see you walked here by yourself."

"I had help, Master," Xander said. "I thought I needed to try it."

"You thought that you could do it on your own, like everything else."

The reprimand, subtle yet necessary, was taken. Xander sat down to eat with them.
*****
More later. Tell me what you think. Ask me questions. I'll try to answer them.

 

Not too bad, Snowtrekker. What little you've allowed has me curious about the rest of the story.

 

Ok, I threatened to do this earlier. I can't come up with any good excuses not to... So here it is. I am afraid it might be too long (among a great many other fears - but fear is of the dark side - and I can always change my screenname). But I can't really figure out a way to cut it without just stopping in the middle. Actually, I did in a way. I haven't written a great chunk that goes in the middle. But it's almost entirely about other people anyway. And I'm too fond of the last bit to leave it off. So there's a set of ***s near the end indicating lots of fun action and so on yet to be written for the most part...

*******************************************
"Blind Watcher"

Nef heard the stranger's boots before he smelt the person walking down the street toward the alley mouth he sat in. The boots were male, human, about average build. Not too tall - noticeably under two meters. Not too short - over one and three quarters meters. And tired, very tired.

Smell confirmed it was a human male as the stranger got closer. A man who had been in a firefight. The special stink of metal burnt by blaster bolts still clung lightly to his clothes. Not enough for normal people to notice but Nef was not normal - as his parents had been only too happy to remind him at the drop of a miner's lamp. But no bacta or blood so the man had not been hurt in spite of being uncomfortably close to blaster shots.

He must have lost his blaster though. The subtle whine of an active pack was missing and no one who had been that recently in a firefight would walk around with his blaster uncharged. That was rather intriguing. Nef thought his first move would have been to replace the blaster but perhaps the stranger didn't have the money to replace it.

There was also the smell of children. More than one and at least one was still in wraps. His clothes had been cleaned but not well enough for Nef's nose to forget everything it had learned. The swish of fabric, as the man paused near him told Nef that he was most certainly a visitor to Bengara. By the sound it was probably a cloak, and by the smell's distribution likely what the child had been changed on. So, definitely a visitor. Natives didn't hold with wrapping themselves against the elements in blankets. The cloak sussurated over other loose clothing so even if the man removed his cloak he'd still be noticeable as an off-worlder.

Bengaran natives practically had a planetary uniform. Regardless of age or sex, anyone born on Bengara, and most of its long-term visitors, wore tightly fitted pants and shirts with at most a fitted vest over that. And that last only in the upper classes. Which Nef was not. But he had seen his share of mine owners and execs before the accident. No one wanted to risk fabric catching in the machinery so everything was close to the body. No flapping cloaks on Bengara. Adults usually cropped their hair as well. If they didn't crop it, as some of the younger ones didn't, Nef among them now that he couldn't work, they bound it tightly into a wrapped tail behind the head. Which was itself tucked into a knot from which it could not escape any time the owner was anywhere near a mine.

Nef leant against the stone wall feeling the tail of bound hair cushioning his spine. The wall was not as warm as it had been when he sat down. He'd have to move a bit soon to leach more warmth from a new section of the wall. He couldn't afford the second set of warmer clothes if he wanted to get off Bengara as soon as he could. No matter. It wasn't that cold of a day. Nor would it be before he was free of the planet if things went well.

The boots shuffled. The man was surprised not to have been addressed by Nef by now. Perhaps he was used to people fawning over his good looks. Or, ironically for Nef, reacting to his frightening ones. Or perhaps on his world he was important or impressive. Here he was just a possible mark.

Nef raised his chin off his chest and turned his face toward the man.

Odd. Not even an indrawn breath. The ravage that was his face usually netted Nef at lea

 

Excellent job, KD. I'm, once again, curious to know what Ben's "business" was.

 

You know what the weird thing is? I don't have much more of the story. I took characters from a non-SW story I have and used an attack where this exact thing happens. But now I've got the idea floating around up in my head, bouncing off the walls. So who knows? I might have more.

 

Knight_Ander - Thanks. I hope that means I don't have to change my screen name to avoid embarassment. Ben's 'business' will eventually show up in a story on the boards. Fairly soon I hope. Depending on DRL.

Laine - More is always good. Isn't it fun when stuff buzzes around in your skull? I really liked how normal your piece was. Jedi don't usually do normal, do they? And as the person who is guaranteed to find, and step on, the rake in the dark I appreciated the closet shelf.

KD

 

Knight_Dilettante you got me hooked. pm me when your fic goes up.

 

Excellent, KD! I'll be curious when the fic goes up, too.

I liked not only the way that you combined all the senses to make this picture. Sound is of course the one that most people would look for in a character who is blind. But you also used touch (the heat of the building) and smell, so often overlooked in ANY fics, yet it's one of the most important senses we have and is a powerful stimulous to memory.

I also liked the way you dropped subtle hints that all added up at the end (the smell of diapers, hinting at Luke & Leia; the idea that he had been in a fight but didn't have a blaster, hinting that he was a Jedi & used a lightsaber). I love when authors do that, drop subtle hints so that a careful reader can put things together and figure things out for themselves.

Four stars!

 

This viggy uses two characters from my current fic Resurgence of Chaos. Enjoy!





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Tieth Gilgam sat comfortably in her favorite chair by the burning fireplace in her room. The crackling sounds of the fire and the gentle warmth it brought to her made her smile. Few things bothered her anymore in her old age, and she had learned to find the best in things even when there seemed to be no good around any more.

In her younger days, rather than be happy, she would be angry right now. For while she loved the warmth and crackling of the fire, she could never see it. She was blind.

She had been blind for over twenty years, the result of an electrical malfunction on a passenger ship to Nar Shadaa, her current homeworld. Her son Jak quickly learned to be his mother?s eyes, and was an invaluable asset to her. Whenever they went to the market, he would walk her, and whenever they watched the HoloNet, he would explain the visuals to her.

She was always angry when he was around, never being able to see anything. Perhaps if she had been born without even seeing, she wouldn?t have been so bitter about losing her precious sight. If only she had lived on a wealthier world, she would be able to get medical treatment.

But after twenty years, her condition was no longer a burden for her. It was a blessing.

The human woman?s old ears were still good, and heard the sound of her front door opening. She quickly recognized the stench coming from Grabada, her Klattooinian neighbor.

?Grabada!? she snarled, and reached for her cane. ?You can knock, no??

Grabada chuckled in his native tongue. ?<Someone awfully weird looking is here to see you. I thought he might be a burglar?>?

She arched an eyebrow. ?What was his name??

?<Didn?t say much. Just said that your eyes have arrived?>?

Her heart leaped as soon as she heard the news. ?Jak!?! My little Jak is home again! Well send him in!!!?

Jak, her sweet little boy, had gone off and joined the Professional Swoop Racing Circuit to help her with money. He had done so in his teens, and thus she had seen him less and less each year. She had heard rumors that he had become a computer slicer in those years, but she refused to believe that. Jak was too honest to be a worthless hacker.

In her time without him, she had learned just how unimportant her vision in fact was. She could move around with her cane, and she could still smell, hear, taste, and feel. Most people her age were lucky to be able to remember what they had for breakfast. But Tieth could remember what she had for breakfast exactly five years ago!

She heard the heavy footsteps of Grabada leaving the doorway, and then heard his rich, deep voice saying hello once again to her. ?Hey, Ma!?

She shook her head. ?Jak Gilgam, come give your mother a hug!?

She felt his footsteps approaching, and was pleased when she once again felt his tight muscles nearly squeeze the life out of her old, heavy set body. ?Oh, don?t kill me just yet!

Jak laughed. ?Hey, so you miss me, ya??

She tried to stifle a whimper. ?Jak, it?s been so long! Where have you been??

She crinkled her nose at the scent of his odd cologne. But then she remembered that Jak hated cologne.

?Well, you know, I?ve been all over the??

?Who else is there?? she suddenly asked.

Jak sighed. ?Oh, this is my new boss, Cam Mulonus.?

The other man at the doorway had a friendly voice. ?I?m sorry. I didn?t want to impose.?

She frowned. ?Boy, get in here before you catch a cold!!!?

Cam obeyed, as she heard the door closing and smelt his fragrance grow stronger.

?Now, Jak, why did you go and quit your job with ORO??

Jak exhaled sharply, and placed a hand on his mother?s wrist. ?Ma, listen, I got a job. With the Rebel Alliance. This is Captain Cam Mulonus of the Scourge Mercenary Group, and we are under contract to Princess Leia, now that her father is dead.?

Words seemed to escape her for the first time in a long time. ?Jakkers, you mean??

?Yes. I?m off to war. I wanted to say goodbye first.?

She refused to

 

Wow. Can I have a link to the fic?

 

Link's in my sig. Hope you enjoy!

 

Obaona: Woof! Good story! Gotta love a good old-fashioned Qui romance. I like Tahl?s wry sense of humour: she really does know QG too well.

Knight-Ander: good viggie! It?s always nice to read a behind-the-scenes scene, to see the way Obi-Wan says farewell to someone who has obviously been a good friend. Sigh, Obi-Wan...

Lilith: Dead brill, as usual. You never cease to please the reader with the detail of your alien perspectives. I really liked how Quee was such a good waitress, she just went straight back to serving her customers once she?d taken out the bad guy. There is much to admire in her co-worker, as well, as someone who knew how to describe the perpetrator in terms Quee could actually make use of.

Kettch: your vignette was anything but pathetic! I really felt for the poor kids, and such intense sadness for little Viva, so brave, and not knowing she was shot because she literally hadn?t seen it coming. Wah!!! I?m going to have to go looking for more of your stories? Just one question: how come there were three troopers in the basement when there were only two trying to break down the door?

Laine: Liked the bit about him forgetting where things were: very real. It is an interesting start, I hope you get a chance to write more (bite him, bunnies, bite hard!)

Knight-Ander: Incredibly detailed description of all the things Nef could sense without his eyes. Excellent! The whole thing, actually, not just the descriptions: you?ve created a very real character, and a really nice without being mushy or patronizing close. The whole thing is very solidly crafted.

Cam: I liked how you showed Tieth mellowing about the loss of her sight. There are far too few stories that mention the mothers whose sons and daughters are risking their lives to fight on either side of the Galactic Civil War. It was a nice touch![/b]


Oh, having read all of those, I?m prolly gonna regret posting this, but since I wrote it, I may as well.

This was the first version of a story that has now seen three different incarnations, including one posted on the Saga forum for the Ghastly Fiction Challenge. This one was my beta-reader?s favourite. I know there are some themes from some of the other scenes posted in this thread repeated, but I wrote it before I read any of the stories posted here. Hope you like it.


*Derisa*

---

[b]Hope Reborn[/b]


I can hear it, you know. Fear has a distinct sound. It?s like old paper being crumbled by uncaring hands, fibres torn and brutalized. It gets louder as time passes, as the invisible face of death draws nearer.

Fear also smells and tastes different: an acrid stench of unused adrenaline; the soured flavour of wasted opportunity.

Make no mistake, for I am a good Jedi - I do not fear that which is not. There is no such thing as death: it is a moment of change only. It is inevitable, unavoidable, and profound, certainly, but nothing to be feared.

In truth, death stalks every mortal being: with every breath we hasten the end. Yet as I am a Jedi, born into this time of terrors to witness the utter destruction of my Order and the Republic, the passing of all I hold dear at the hands of that grim child, yet I repeat - there is no end, only change

Too late we learned what was meant by that black Prophecy that spoke of the ?balance of the Force?. We Jedi had grown too numerous, and our power had been weakened thereby. Even those of us gifted, as I am, Sighted since I lost my vision, we failed to see the threat until it was too late.

The wreck of a boy who even now approaches my hiding place, and the Evil that holds his strings are wreaking ?balance? upon the Jedi. Now... now at last, my time has come.

I draw the Force in to me, and I hear with more than my ears. My heart?s beats resonate within and without, and a whole Galaxy of life is breathing and living, with me. The fear fades, but does not leave me. It hovers, waiting.

The air tastes different again, sweeter somehow. It?s only fitting, I sup

 

I like the stream of consciousness thing. And I think you did a good job of it. It also makes a lot of sense. I really, really, really liked it.

I do have one question. What do you mean by (bite him, bunnies, bite hard!)? I'm not a him, if by him you mean me. And if it refers to my bio name, please notice that my mom made me put an alias, and therefore, Lee is part of my real name, but not all of it. Please clarify this statement.

~Laine~

 

Derisa is referring to plot bunnies. She hopes that they will 'bite' you, and you will get more ideas and write more. It's a compliment -

Kithera

 

Oh, then, thanks!!! Sorry for the confusion!

~Laine~

 

Thanks, Derisa. I liked the first person perspective and the thought flow of your piece. It was smooth and well done.


So, are we ready for a new challenge?

 

Hey, this is a great idea! Can't wait to see what the next Challenge is!

 

An up for a dying thread and an entry from me... finally!!
__________

BAND OF SURVIVORS

In the darkness of the world around me, I have learned to listen to find what I need.

As far as I can tell, there are a few of us who managed to get away. As our ship went down, while it plowed headlong into the surface of the Second Death Star, we had gotten to an escape pod just in time. I haven?t seen for myself who they are, but from the voices, I can make out that there are at least seven others. There?s the captain, Captain Raggi, and one of his officers, Ligan, the one with the voice that breaks. There?s a technician; I don?t know his name. Everyone calls him ?Professor.? There are three other petty officers, Turnus, Sparr, and Fenny, and one older officer, Cabras. We?ve gotten by so far in the forests of the world. I can only assume that this is the Forest Moon of Endor, but I don?t know how long it?s been since the Battle of Endor.

The last thing that I saw ? really saw ? was the explosion on the bridge. It was a noble moment, with the Admiral and all his men standing on the bridge.

?Intensify forward batteries!? the order was given. ?I don?t want anything getting through!? A moment had passed in tense silent before another shout went up. ?Intensify forward firepower!?

An A-wing suddenly came screaming right through the bridge windows, and everyone was sent flying. A fireball had shot from the crash site, and systems had started to malfunction. The fire had gotten in my eyes; I blacked out. Then someone had me, and he was pulling me toward the escape pods. I couldn?t get my eyes open.

They?ve opened now. The scars are healing. I still can?t see.

I?ve learned the feel of the terrain all around me; I couldn?t tell you what the sky looks like, or how tall the trees are, but I can tell you that the cave where we?ve been sleeping is in a sheer mountainside, next to a large clearing. The edge of the forest is about seventy-four paces from the mouth of the cave, and the clearing is roughly circular, eighty-eight paces wide at the widest. There?s a rough bump of solid rock rising out of the ground slightly off the center, to the left as you come out of the cave.

I was sitting in the clearing when it happened. I?ve learned the feel of the terrain, but it?s not much use for me to go out to find food.

There was a sound behind me, and I turned. It was definitely a footstep.

There was no smell of sweat. It seemed that someone had found a river and been able to wash his clothes. Then I heard another footstep. It was a light step, probably too light for anyone but Turnus.

?Is that you, Turnus?? I called out. There was no response.

?Turnus!? Nothing except the sound of the feet, on the other side of me now, closer.

Then I felt it. There was a poke of cold stone at the back of neck. A few awkward footsteps, and then that same stone feeling jabbed against the front of my arm. Whatever was doing this was holding the stone low to the ground, low enough to have to hold it even or even reach up to get me while I was sitting down. It gave a kind of trilling bark sound, more like the ?ohhhh? one utters upon recognizing something than anything else.

That?s when I heard another footstep, this one heavier, on the edge of the glen. I smelled whatever was left of that rancid cologne Fenny had been wearing that fateful day.

?Fenny!? I hissed. ?What?s happening??

?Coelus?? I heard him ask. ?Don?t move. He?s got a little spear.?

I froze, more out of mortification than fear. I was humiliated. I had been captured by one of those horrible things that looked like plush Wookiee dolls. I heard something hit the grass with a dull thump, and assumed he had dropped his spear. I could see only a subtle difference in light; first it was almost a backlit grey, then black again, then grey, then black. It was the only thing I?d been able to see in so long now; I could only assume that now it meant the creature was waving its paw in front of my face, trying to decide why my eyes weren?t reacting.

?He?

 

Both Coelus and the Ewok (who I've named Teemu) are going to come into play in The Shadows of Conflict - Part 3: Assassination. I thought I'd just go ahead and throw in a little bit of history.

Of course, there's a little more to Coelus than meets the eye...

 

I have been seriously bitten by a plot bunny inspired by this challenge involving one of my original characters.

Does the character in question have to know he is blind from the start of the viginette, or can he discover this during the course of the story? The character would be blind throughout the story without realizing it.

Also, while keeping to the use-non-visual-imagery theme, can the story involve some memories the character has that involve sight?

 

Depends on the type of character. If human, you need to be creative; if alien, you have an adv by whatever extrasensory abilities they might have.

There was a Shoanah Culu 4000yrs ago in the TOTJ comics, a female Jedi whose people are born blind. Didn't hamper her in the least, even in a fighter cockpit.

And there is a blind girl, human but exotic in appearance, in The Evergence Trilogy (not Star Wars). Her powerful telepathic-empathic sense came at the cost of sight and sound. Losing her eyes and ears, she can only see and by looking through someone else's eyes nearby.

This caused extra baggage when doing those scenes. Remember, your senses that way comes from that person's impression. Whatever emotions and feelings has been filtered by someone before it reaches you. Makes things more creative.

So . . . sensory-deprived characters have been done before. Was not Mr Anderson's eyes in Matrix 3 blinded?

 

Saw this, simply *had* to post the link in this thread. Hope it gives you all a giggle!

Torun Jax, Blind Jedi.


*Derisa*