Writers Race--- It Is Done!!!! * 1st--duskwings, * 2-DarthIshtar & Drabbo_Fett, 3-Indra

Oh, Kettch, that's a lovely story. I loved it. Of course, now I have to go, I have to bar my door and get blast shields over all the windows. I'm not happy about the idea of Leia mad at me. Maybe I can talk her around by pointing out that obviously Han did come back. If she lets me get a squeak out. Where is that blast shield contractor anyway?

KD

 

That story is HILARIOUS! Good thing Leia left the room before she learned that I had Wedge kill her. And I must say, I'm glad that Anakin isn't too upset that I set him up to die. Although I'm surprised that Padmé isn't coming after me -- I did kill her twice, after all. And only one of them was really necessary.

Uh ... maybe I shouldn't have said that. They can't find out my address, can they? *looks around nervously*

-duskwings

 

Do I dare say great minds think alike?

This has been so much fun! I just can't say that enough. Congrats to all the winners and Applause for everyone who didn't place.

I am so glad I never posted the evil Ideas that popped into my head... You all are in so much trouble!

Great story, Kettch. And what a Great Race! You may be a Dark Jedi, but you are a genius.

 

WOW! Thanks! That made my day more than fried squid and lots of chocolate! And congrats, kateydidn't! Congrats to the rest!

 

I'm glad ya'll liked the race so much.

If you would like your Challenge 10 entry posted please feel free to post it here so others can see. I would post them up but I really have to pack for my trip.


KTJ

 

Kettch That was a very funny story. Loved the way you got everyone in and the characters were arguing about how to get revenge on being fic-tortured!

YAH! Bravo on a creative, fun and really cool race. Great job!

 

[This was my C10 entry.]


Easter Eggs


Xanatos ignited his saber and sneered at his former master. "You have any last words?"

"Zipper's down," Qui-Gon said, pointing.

* * *

Boss Nass stood over the body of Adi Gallia, laughing long and hard in between bites of his powdered doughnut. Because of this, he did not hear as Plo Koon snuck up from behind wielding a large candlestick. The Jedi raised the weapon above his head and brought it down with as much Force-enhanced power as he could on the back of the Gungan's head. The candlestick sank in a few inches, then stopped. After a second, it sprang back right at Plo. The weapon shattered the Jedi's mask and crushed the face beneath, killing him instantly. Nass didn't even notice.

* * *

* Plo's death really threw us for a loop. I mean we all thought the candlestick was really clever and unexpected. Who knew you couldn't bludgeon a Gungan? So now, not only did we have to come up with a new killer, we had to think up a new method to kill Nass, too. Fortunately, the answer to that one was staring us in the face. *

* * *

X-rays bombarded the craft as it dropped through the planet's toxic atmosphere. Yarael looked down at the inhospitable surface and up at the enemy ships hovering above. Zugzwang, he thought grimly.

* * *

* Dictionary note: Zugzwang comes from chess and describes the situation in which any move will worsen a player's position. See? These things can be educational, too. *

* * *

"<bleep> no! There ain't no <bleeeep> way I'm doing that! What do you mean, what would I like to do? I would <bleeeep> like to go home and go to bed, not stay here and kill some <bleeeep> Gungan! How would I kill him? If it were up to me, I'd beat the <bleeeep>'s big, bloated behind with my bare hands. Don't you dare laugh at that!"

* * *

* Don't worry, I was laughing on the inside. Eventually, though, he did come around. *

* * *

Nass stopped laughing as Mace strode across the room straight toward him.

"Yousa no scare me, Jedi," he said, bringing a new doughnut to his lips.

Mace leaned in close and, without a word, blew. The powder flew off the doughnut toward the Gungan's face. Nass inhaled involuntarily, pulling a lot of it up his nose. He asphyxiated within seconds.

Mace turned and angrily walked out. "Happy now? <bleeeeeeeep>."

* * *

Leia looked at the dead Ewoks scattered throughout the village. Not a single one appeared to be left alive. Odd, she thought, they'd all been fine when the party started. "Stop the music!" she yelled.

The assorted rebels all turned to look at her. "All right," she said, wagging her finger, "who came here with a communicable disease?"

Slowly, a hand rose.

"Orange Seven?"

"Yes, miss," the pilot said. "I had a sniffle, miss. I didn't think it would be a big deal. I just wanted to join the party, miss."

Leia shook her head. "Now everyone, what's the rule about being around a native population when we're sick?"

"Don't do it," everyone said in unison.

"That's right. Orange Seven, I want you to clean up this mess you've made, and let this be a lesson to everyone else."

* * *

Xylophonists attacked their instruments with excitement. Yodelers yelled Yoda's praises. Zithers played zydeco.

* * *

* Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but it was still better than the one that ranked women from athletic to zaftig. *

* * *

"<bleeeep> doughnut powder," Mace muttered as he hopped into his purple speeder. He started the engine and flipped on his radio.

"Sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight!" Mace never had time to swear. The shock had killed him even before the singers repeated, "Aaaaafternoon delight!"

Miles away, Zam wondered why someone had paid her so much just to change someone else's radio stations.

* * *

* Well, he certainly never saw that one coming, did he? *

 

I loved the communicable disease stuff.

 

Mine: THe Complaint Department deals with us.

It was unsurprising to find the ?Complaint Department? box stuffed to overflowing. The surprising thing was that it had been empty when Happles Laqi left for his lunch hour.

?Must be Attack of the Plot Bunnies,? he mumbled around his gorrnt and cheese sandwich.

?What are bunnies?? Dumm Asystent queried out of curiosity.

?Never mind.? He waved his hand dismissively. ?Pull out a few, let?s see what their issue is today.?

?It?s Kettch again,? Dumm explained.

?I?ll call Janson,? Happles reassured the flummoxed apprentice.

?No, that Kettch_the_Jedi one from that ?Tee-ef-dot-en? place.?

?Blast,? Happles grumbled. ?I knew I should have siced Vader on them all when I had the chance. Between ?ship challenges, Halloween activities, and Ishtar?s wild imagination, we lose the whole cast of characters every other hour. What seems to be the problem??

?Haunting, apparently, sir. Everyone?s dead, but has time to fill out the complaint form and take a free donut.?

And leave none for me, as usual.

He shook his head and snatched a stack of flimsies. ?They?re all dead??

?The ones I?ve noticed, sir,? Dumm said rather sheepishly. ?Nothing will stop them, it seems.?

?Well, good riddance, I say,? he proclaimed, setting down his sandwich. ?Let?s see, who?s first??

?Jar-Jar??

?He?s finally dead??

?It would seem so, sir. He was sliced in half.?

?When is a door-door not a door-door??

?When it?s not Ajar-jar, sir,? Dumm said dutifully. ?Very amusing, sir.?

?And his complaint??

?If I?m reading this right, all it says is ?How wude!??

?NEXT!?

?Yes, sir. It?s Anakin and Amidala.?

?A regular Romeo and Juliet story, if I remember correctly,? Happles smirked.

?Yes, but Anakin died of shock and Amidala wants to know if he?s the Chosen One, where does the contract say that he?s chosen for his stupidity??

?Reply: ?In the fine print, Senator. It?s a given.? Try not to mention that she won?t be around for long anyway.?

?Yes, sir.?

Happles shuffled through his own pile, squinting at the code imprinted on one. ?C-3PO?s spare parts say that he was shot?again?and his only parting words are ?Sometimes, I just don?t understand human behavior.??

That particular one was chucked immediately. ?Who does??

Next, Han Solo had apparently been murdered in cold blood (Was there anything else on Csilla) by a Chiss. ?Aggressive negotiations, schmagressive schmegotiations, sir,? Dumm parroted cheerfully.

It was impossible to judge what was the most ridiculous?the poisoned earring or the hairpiece of doom?but there was only one thing to do: chalk it up to fan insanity and trust that a bad plot bunny would resurrect the plaintiffs tomorrow.

It was almost a statistical certainty when dealing with Kettch?s crew.

 

Drabbo - Loved the first part -- I didn't even realize that it was X, Y, Z until I'd read it several times. And I agree with Ish about the communicable disease part. I especially loved how it was this big tragedy, and yet Leia was there acting like a school-teacher whose students just spilled paint on the floor.

Ish - if he?s the Chosen One, where does the contract say that he?s chosen for his stupidity That is an absolutely fantastic line. Just wonderful.

And now, my challenge 10 entry:

Title: The Handmaiden Strikes Back
Author: duskwings
Word Count: 696

---

Sabé carefully arranged her cloak to hide her blaster. Padmé would never see it coming. And after that ... blissful freedom! (The minor monetary compensation of 100 million credits had nothing to do with anything, of course. Sabé could not be bought -- not for less than 200 million.)

With visions of mansions dancing through her head, Sabé emerged. Padmé was pacing impatiently.

"There you are, Sabé! Now, just put on this wig --"

Sabé took one look at it and whipped out her blaster. "Put the wig down, or I'll shoot." She paused. "Actually, I'm going to shoot anyway, so it doesn't really matter. But put the wig down in any case."

Padmé quickly complied. "Why, Sabé? You were my most loyal handmaiden! Well, except for the five that died. And Saché, because she fills in for me at council meetings. And Rabé, who makes wonderful chocolate cake. And --"

Sabé pulled the trigger

"NO!" cried Padmé, and collapsed (in a very pretty way, of course -- it simply [i]wouldn't do[/i] for her to fall ungracefully). "Why, Sabé? Why? My greatest friend, my steadfast companion, why have you betrayed me?"

Sabé raised an eyebrow. "Lines like that, for starters. Can you be any [i]more[/i] clichéed?"

Padmé pouted. "Fine. How's this: Why?"

"Anakin will pay me 100 million credits to do it."

"No! My love would never do such a thing. Not to me -- his love, his angel!"

"Ah, yes. That would be number three on the list: stupidity. Numbers four through ten are the hairdos -- you have [i]got[/i] to get a better stylist! Number eleven is the tendency to send handmaidens into dangerous situations. Twelve is the tendency of those handmaidens [i]never to return[/i]. Had you noticed that?"

"Anakin, oh, Anakin!" Padmé angsted on.

"I guess not. Number thirteen is the way you never thank anyone. Number fourteen is ... oh, dear. I've forgotten. Let me check my notes." Sabé reached into her cloak and pulled out a very, very thick book. "Number fourteen is the dresses. Number fifteen is ..."

*

Two hours later, Sabe was still going at it. "Seven hundred and fifty-six: the leather corset. Seven hundred and fifty-seven -- the way ..."

"Oh," moaned Padmé from her pool of blood. "Make it stop!"

Sabé looked up from the book, surprised. "Haven't you died yet?"

[b]"Narrative causality -- she'll live until you finish with your list."[/b]

"Ah," said Sabé, and returned to her list.

"Now, where was I ... seven --" Sabé looked up again. "Who the hell are you?" she asked, looking around. But no one was in the room but the languishing Padmé.

[b]"The author. Now, go back to reading the list. You were on number seven hundred and fifty-seven -- the way Anakin told Padmé that he loved her. That was [i]really[/i] horrible -- I definitely agree with the little 'kill kill die die' scribble there in the corner."[/b]

Sabé looked. There was, indeed, a little note reading "kill kill die die," in the corner. But now that she looked closely -- "Is that my handwriting?"

[b]"Of course!"[/b]

But the fog was beginning to clear. "Hey, I didn't write this, did I? And I don't hate Padmé, do I?"

If it were biologically possible for a disembodied voice to be shifty-eyed, the author's would be. [b]"Of course you do!"[/b]

"You said that she can only die once I finish reading this, right? So if I don't finis

 

Classic. All 757 of it...

 

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved all three of these! Drabbo, you are a genius! Tell me, did you use the dictionary, or do you just have a massive vocabulary?

Ish, I loved the name confusion with "Kettch" I've been hoping someone would use that throughout the Race...

Congratulations, duskwings! You definitely earned first place. This last story is just another example.

Okay, I guess mine's next...

/

/

Fan Fiction Land Meets the First Writers Race

Confusion reigned in Fan Fiction Land.

The tapa-tap of keys being pushed, which was a constant underlying sound in FFL, increased to a furious roar as insanity spread. Characters disappeared at random intervals, killed off in a strange manner. Story lines became muddled as authors struggled to find any word that started with the letter z.

Assorted Jedi, who could use the Force to read what the Authors were typing, managed to pick up on what was happening.

?A Writers Race, this is,? Master Yoda said. Luke glared at his mentor, who so far had come through the disaster unscathed. He started a display that showed snippets of what the Authors were typing.

Challenge 1: Write a 500 word or less Star Wars scene that takes place during a celebration scene in the movies that is sad or depressing but still cannon.

?So that?s why so many of us have been dying!? A random pilot called from the back of the room.

The display continued to scroll. Every member of the assembly stared, hoping for an explanation.

Padmé called out in outrage, ?Did they really have to shoot me so many ways?? She glared at Anakin. ?This is all your fault.?

Anakin turned and ran to the far side of the room they had all assembled in.

?Hey do we get extra points for actually writing a story from the bunny??

The force is strong in this one. She can see into the next challenge. wink

?The force is strong in this one,? Vader grumbled from one side. ?That is such a horrible line...?

Spock appeared from nowhere but ran from the room in terror as the other characters glared at him.

?But what does this mean, Master?? Obi-Wan asked, clutching at his robes in fear.

?Difficult to see, the future is.?

Clones? E-bay? Green blood? What are ya'll thinking???

Yoda stood and pointed to the display. ?Wise, [ b] Kettch_the_Jedi [/b] is. Listen to him you will!?

?You have the ending on Saturday March 10.?

So we have until 2007? Yay!

Several characters chorused,?I have a bad feeling about this.?

lol, no! it must end before then.

Han said, ?I think I like this Darth Ishtar character. That?s the best thing I?ve heard all day.?

Write an Original Character story with no dialogue from a major Star Wars character that is not based on Jedi, politicians, droids, bounty hunters, clones, the Sith, lightsabers, pilots, gungans, or the Vong.

Hundreds of Main characters cheered Kettch, thinking he?d finally come to his senses while millions of minor characters shared murderous glances, knowing that this could not end well.

Ish, perhaps Kettch likes being insane, maybe a natural state of being?? LOL

Of course it's a natural state of beings. We're fanficcers, after all.

?You can say that again,? Jania muttered while attempting to hide from Zekk, who simply wouldn?t leave her alone after the scene about them having a baby together.

We'll have to write a 500-word story starting each sentence with a successive letter of the alphabet, which will have padme shot by sabe on a logical command from spock while they're trying to jump with tampered parachutes, and luke will be missing, but an OC will save him. And each of the people must die at the end of the scene, but no canon characters may speak.

Stunned silence feel over the room while Darth Ishtar?s words scrolled through the space.

?I take it back,? Han muttered, his face expressionless.

?They aren?t really going to put us through that, are they?? Luke asked.

?N

 

Don't have time to read any right now, but here's mine.

@~~>~~~

The Phantom Racer

Wes tried to hide the datapad, but wasn?t fast enough. Wedge snatched it out of his hand. ?What is so important that you had to miss my debriefing?? He asked as he read what was on the datapad.

Cringing, Wes tried to snatch it back. Wedge held it out of his grasp and glared at him, then started pushing buttons. ?The Jedi Council? Is there something you?ve been forgetting to tell me, Wes??

?I?m not a Jedi,? Wes said, making another grab for the datapad.

Wedge rolled his eyes and held it over his head. ?Then what are you doing on that??

?I?m not doing anything.? Wes stood on the bed and prepared to jump on top of Wedge, who stepped back at the last minute. ?Ow,? Wes complained, rubbing his knee.

?Who the kriff is Kettch_the_Jedi??

?Uh??

Wedge ignored Wes. ?A kill fest? Writer?s Race? What the kriff??

?Uh??

Wedge interrupted Wes again. ?What are you doing with this? What IS this??

?Can I talk now??

Shooting a glare at Wes, Wedge cocked an eyebrow and waited for an answer.

Wes threw his arms up in the air. ?I give up! I?m running the race.?

?You?re WHAT?? Wedge looked again. ?Kettch? I should have known.? He started banging his head on the datapad.

Wes looked at Wedge innocently. ?It?s fun. They killed you. You should have been there.?

Wedge paused to glare at Wes, then resumed his headbanging.

?You know, you?re going to give yourself a concussion,? Wes observed.

?Maybe I should give YOU one, instead,? Wedge growled.

Wes grinned. ?Oh, you wouldn?t do that. You?d have to fill out the paperwork.?

Closing his eyes and muttering, Wedge stalked out the door, tossing the datapad over his should, which Wes caught.

As soon as the door closed, Face stepped out of the closet. ?Force, it smells in there, Janson!?

Wes glared at him. ?Thanks, Loran.?

?Well, at least he didn?t notice everything? and he didn?t find my username?? Face grinned as an idea occurred to him. ?Ok, here?s what we do??

 

Here is my Challenge 10 entry.
Beware it is strange.
I'll have to read the others when I get home from church, right now I have to finish preparing my Sunday School lesson.

The Prophecy of the What?

You had to wonder what was meant by the ?Chosen One?. Or, at least, Anakin had to. That was why he had been combing the dusty corners of the archives for the past several weeks. He had found a number of odd prophecies but nothing to do with balance. Moving around a dusty tome (he had actually found real books!) a word on a scrap of paper caught his attention. Focusing on it he found it was a page half ripped from the book and the words it contained were utterly confusing.

?the Force is illogical, therefore unbalanced.

Anakin bit his lip. Well, it was about balance? He flipped the pages open to the beginning.

A long time from now in a galaxy that created this one, there will come a time when fanficcers unite for a great challenge. Their goal will be to honor the GFFA and all those in it, to have fun and to breed plot bunnies. The revered Master Fan Kettch will lead them through new and strange paths to tear down the evil Empire of the Standard Story. Kettch will test them with ten tasks, each designed to give every contestant a chance to shine.

Many will enter but there can only be one in the end. The Chosen One. The Winner of the Writers Race, whose name shall forever be revered on the keyboards and monitors of The Force.

Anakin blinked, trying to make heads or tales of it. But it mentioned the Chosen One so he continued.

And from the work of these brave Fans will come brilliance and sorrows, madness and creativity. From the traumatizing death of a beloved Ewok, to the emergence of pointy-eared necklace ornaments; from the shooting of a queen by her handmaiden to the string of dead bodies, each struck down in a new and exciting way, these courageous souls will breach the boundaries of sanity itself.

How the race will end no one yet knows. The challenges with their speed and confusion have given them heart palpitations. The plot-bunnies will never leave them alone. And every one of them will emerge a changed and renewed Fan, eager to spread their new brand of stories across the world. And the world will learn to tremble in fear at the utter chaos and hilarity.

But even the great seers in their wisdom cannot see to the end. Will it be duskwings, with the most insane RPG players ever? Or perhaps Jodiwent with the parachutes of doom? Will LadyPadme?s revelation that we are going in circles bring her the victory? Maybe it will be Drabbo_Fett crashing through the finish line with the weight of every planet name behind. Yet the ever courageous DarthIshtar had hope still and discovered Wicket to be a winebibber with murderous instinct. Knight_Dilettante perseveres and throws in a yawning Krayt dragon. All the participants will give a worthy effort. They flock to the Race to find the one true Fan and declare that One to be the Winner.

Will it be a dial-upper or non-dial-upper? Will Kettch ever find the right amount of hyphens?
Even we cannot see the future.

Anakin slowly closed the book, replaced it on its shelf, and looked around carefully.

Then he took off running in fear.

A Jedi knows no fear! a voice shouted in his head. He focused on that thought.
But other voices invaded with foreign thoughts.
A singular force is not logical!
What had that been?
But Jedi don?t dream!
Fear again.
Thank you for calling on the Force today, please note that you are the 276th caller waiting for an answer. We would advise you to get up from your meditation and ask again later.
What was happening to him?! He stumbled down the hall towards his room.
Yoda?s D&D group plays down there.
He tripped and screamed.
You can?t speak, you?re a canon character!
Rational thought was gone.
Take that boss!
And the last thing he remembered was a menacing voice speaking: Anakin Skywalker has to die bef

 

Strange, yes, but humorous, nonetheless. Great job katey!

 

Thanks, all. These have been very amusing.

Loved the first part -- I didn't even realize that it was X, Y, Z until I'd read it several times.

Thanks. I was trying to think of a hook for a response -- especially since I'd gone so comic with C9. Then I was going through the extras on a DVD I'd bought... C1 entries that had included X sentences seemed like a fun thing to toss in.

And I agree with Ish about the communicable disease part. I especially loved how it was this big tragedy, and yet Leia was there acting like a school-teacher whose students just spilled paint on the floor.

Exactly. That and I had to one-up offing Wicket. [Blame Kettch for leaving out the rule against Ewok-killing.]

Drabbo, you are a genius!

Thank you.

Tell me, did you use the dictionary, or do you just have a massive vocabulary?

Those were all words I know. Out of curiosity, I checked my dictionary, and zugzwang wasn't in there. When I was a kid, I found it in a book of fun obscure words, and I've used it ever since.

 

I was interested to see just how many of us used character complaint/revenge type ideas for the last challenge.

Drabbo that was great. I can't pick a favorite bit. And it is impossible to decide which is funnier, death by donut powder or by dreadful music.

Ishtar A complaint department! LOL! Perfect.

duskwings Loved it. I particularly like the Pratchett-esque aspects of the last part.

pokey Loved this line especially for some reason: Luke glared at his mentor, who so far had come through the disaster unscathed.

kateydidnt I loved everything about your story. But especially that you used the "Anakin Skywalker has to die before this will end" threat. Poor Ani.

My own entry also runs with idea of the characters being not entirely amused, shall we say...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are we all here?" Asked Yoda. Bellowing in order to be heard over all the other beings in the auditorium, he repeated himself.

"Clee couldn't make it. Dormé either. Eirté brought the rest. Force binders on Sabé though."

"Give me a break," Sabé shouted. "Have a heart! It wasn't my idea to shoot Padmé!"

"Jinn, let her go," Yoda said. "Let me see, now. Kenobi?"

"Master?"

"Note-taker for this meeting, you are? Oh bother, back with the backwards grammar already?" Pouting, because he preferred speaking Basic properly, Yoda called the meeting to order.

"Quiet! Right, lets get to it. Somehow, we have to put a stop to this insanity before it spreads. Think that it won't, do you? Ugh! Very often, in my experience, if the authors start having too much fun with something they go on, and on with it. We don't want any more kill-a-thons!"

Xanatos raised a hand. Yoda decided to let him speak. "Zeniths are usually reached early on and then the practice dies out.?

"As one of the most frequently abused, particularly in the kill-a-thon, I would like to state my opinion that keeping any of this from repeating is the best outcome," Luke said Forcefully.

"Best outcome," the crowd of beings echoed.

"Can we just have a quick look at the transcript?" Dooku stood and walked over to the stenographer as he spoke.

Everyone subsided into silent dismay as they read the words projected onto the screen.

"Force help us," Mace said. "Gorram author's got us going all alphabetical-like again. Huh, that's the other guy's wife's kind of line. I hope someone has a solution."

"Just a minute." Kenobi walked over to the door in the middle of the back wall.

Jamming his lightsaber into the lock, he melted it away. In another moment he had the door open. Haze and misty shapes were all that was visible through the door. Gripping the frame, Kenobi leaned into the haze. "Find something else to do, OK?"

Everyone listened. Eventually they heard a faint voice. "Everyone's a critic. Exactly what do you want from me?"

"Entertaining though it is to have every sentence start with a different letter, we'd really like to be able to just say whatever we want," Kenobi answered.

"Everyone eat a cookie and I'll see what I can do."

Everyone found a cookie had magically appeared for them. Even Jedi can't resist Toll House chocolate chip cookies so they all munched them right up. Every being in the room keeled over, dead.

Even in the GFFA they have death by chocolate.

 

You all are hilarious. I love the use of the alphabet, the angry characters, and especially the Chosen One's oozing brains.

I am not funny. Ever. Unless it comes organically out whatever I'm writing, through bantering and such, and that tends toward the sarcastic and silly, not the intelligent or witty. I'm not funny in real life either. This was easily the hardest challenge for me, and I got a little desperate. Hence the travesty that follows.

--

?Death by papercuts.?

?Oh, Obi-Wan! That is soooo clichéd. You can?t come up with anything better??

Obi-Wan glared at his friend. Bant giggled, covering her mouth with one flipper, silver eyes sparkling.

?Oh, all right.? He sighed. ?What if they have this big musical instrument called a piannan, and somebody pushes it off the twenty-seventh floor of a building, and it lands on him??

?Oooh, that?s a good one!?

Garen nodded enthusiastically and began writing on his datapad, Reeft reading avidly over his shoulder.

Qui-Gon leaned against the doorjamb, watching his Padawan and his friends as they gathered around the kitchen table, enthusiastically planning the gruesome deaths of dozens of people. Dare he ask?

Obi-Wan turned around immediately, sensing his presence. ?Hello, Master. How was your class??

?It went very well, thank you.? He nodded his greetings to the four teenagers. ?I trust you used your time productively??

?Yes, Master . . .?

The careful formality broke apart as Bant slapped her friend?s shoulder. ?Hey, ask Master Qui-Gon for help! I bet he would be a lot more creative!?

?Oh, no, no, no, Bant, I am not dragging my Master into this.?

?Into what?? Qui-Gon asked curiously, stepping forward. ?It sounded like you were planning a massacre. Have you been keeping secrets, Padawan? I hope I?m not on your hit list.?

Obi-Wan made a wry face. ?No, Master . . . It?s in a galaxy far, far away . . .?

And then the other three were talking, eager to explain their hobby, their words tumbling over each other. Qui-Gon?s head bobbed back and forth as if he were watching a smashball in a match as he attempted to follow the conversation from teen to teen.

?It?s this massive fictional universe, really frigidly wizard maj . . .?

?The holovids are the best, but the books are good too . .. ?

?Except when they aren?t, which is why the fans have to help out . . .?

?Exactly! But anyway, it?s gotten really huge, far too many characters . . .?

?So there?s this challenge to try to kill as many as possible, and we aren?t allowed to repeat methods . . .?

?We?re running a bit dry at this point, and there are still about thirty characters left to murder.?

?Can you help, Master Jinn? Pleeeeeaaase??

Obi-Wan waved a hand frantically. ?You guys! Please! Master Qui-Gon has at least fifty better ways to spend him time . . .?

But Qui-Gon stepped forward, looking at the data scrolling on Garen?s datapad. ?Elemental Battles? I remember the original vid, A New Viscosity. It revolutionized the holo industry. Nuc Firestamper was always my favorite character. Oh, I see you?ve killed him with a lightning spear. Good choice. Very ironic, considering that?s his best weapon. Who?s next on your list??

Obi-Wan gaped at his Master in astonishment, but Bant bounced excitedly in her chair and pointed to the flimsy in her hand. ?Amoril Pearl! We?re trying to think of something suitably stupid.?

Qui-Gon grimaced. ?I never liked her. What if she accidentally stabbed herself with that dumb bracelet, and didn?t notice until she bled out??

Squeals of delight rang around the kitchen. ?Pull up a chair, Master Jinn!? Garen said, scooting his over to make room. ?We?ve still got a way to go!?

Qui-Gon complied cheerfully. He clapped the astonished Obi-Wan on the back, and the boy snapped his mouth shut, still staring. ?What?? the Master asked. ?You think just ?cause I?m an old man I can?t have a little fun? This story has been around forever. I love it. And there are waaaay too many annoying minor characters. I?m delighte

 

I was interested to see just how many of us used character complaint/revenge type ideas for the last challenge.

Well, Great minds think alike... The difference is, with some it was truly an inspiration; and with the rest of us (like me) it was the only thing we could think of...

Loved this line especially for some reason: Luke glared at his mentor, who so far had come through the disaster unscathed.

I couldnt' resist, I did notice that we all kinda strayed away from bashing Yoda...

I am not funny. Ever.

You sell yourself short, maychorian. I thought that was very funny, and very clever as well.

Obi-Wan gaped at his Master in astonishment, but Bant bounced excitedly in her chair and pointed to the flimsy in her hand. ?Amoril Pearl! We?re trying to think of something suitably stupid.?

Qui-Gon grimaced. ?I never liked her. What if she accidentally stabbed herself with that dumb bracelet, and didn?t notice until she bled out??

Don't know why, but that reminds me of Jar Jar...

Roses... and chocolate chip cookies to everyone! (Yes, I know the second isn't an official emoticon, but it should be... )

 

Now that I've recovered from fainting that I tied for first for challenge 8, I can congratulate everyone, (will add detailed congrats in my threads), and thanks for the votes. I may actually expand that one.

Congrats to over all winners Duskwings, Darth Ishtar & Drabo_Fett, and Indra.

And a big thanks for KETTCHfor coming up with, organizing, and running this.

I'd like to know who the other stories in challenge 8 belong to.
-----------------------------------

Here's mine for ten :


Challenge X


Six hours before the deadline for the last challenge in the writers race, Anonymous Fan Ficker, or is that Ficer, has no idea what to write. After working all day, and a doctor's visit where the nurse from hell poked needles in various places, much like standard Obi-Wan at the healers' scene, Anonymous F.F. is not in a humorous mood. But humor is the challenge. Anonymous has a great idea. It would only be funny to someone with a very weird sense of humor. That'd be me.

First what to call it? Phantom Attack of the Giant 500 Word or Less Monster? Nah.

A New Page? The Story Strikes Back?

Revenge of the X? No Return of the X. An X would never want revenge only a Z would.

So here with out any further ado, simply, Challenge X.

"I hear you are having trouble writing the last challenge," Qui-Gon Jinn spoke. "Perhaps you could bounce a few ideas off of me?"

Anonymous thinks, 'ideas are the last thing I'd want to bounce off of you.'

"What was that?"

"Oh Nothing," Anonymous covers. "Ideas, yes, ideas. Did you hear the one about the xenophobic megalomaniac who takes over the galaxy?"

"Couldn't possibly happen."

"If you say so. How about the one where a Sith with red and black tattoos stabs you in the xiphoid process?"

"Not a chance."

"Boy are you in for a rude awakening."

"What are you mumbling?"

"Nothing."

Jinn grows impatient. "So how does this story go?"

Anonymous starts :

"You Xanthippe!" Luke shouts, as Mara once again tried to kill him by throwing Xylene on him.

"Got a light Skywalker?"

Qui-Gon interrupts the story, "this supposed to be funny?"

"Seemed funny at the time," Anonymous says. "How's this? It has you in it." :

"Obi-Wan - - " Qui-Gon told the boy, "You have Xerophthalmia."

Obi-Wan turned to An Paj and asked, "is it Xenodiognosis?"

"No," the healer answered. "I thought it might be caused by Xanthine, but now I'm sure it's an X-disease."

"How did he get it?" The Master inquired.

"It may have been from his Xylotlmy class. It could be caused by a Xylophilous bug."


"This isn't funny," Qui-Gon tells Anonymous. "It's gross."

"Should I go back to Luke and Mara trying to kill each other, or - -

The X-wing flew in the xanthic sky. Soon it would turn xanthophyllic - -

"The sky or the ship?"

"The sky."

"You didn't use the proper grammar to make sure the reader understood that it was the sky not the ship."

"Do you really think that matters?"

A stern look from the Jedi Master told Anonymous that it would.

"All right I'll start over."

The X-wing flew in the xanthic sky that would soon turn xanthophyllic. It was normal for the xerophilous planet of Tatooine.

'I have to find that Xenogeneic cure to save my father from a strange decease that has hidden in his cells since he was a child on this planet,' Ben Skywalker thought to himself.

Qui-Gon interrupts, "so where's the funny part?"

"The funny part - - " Anonymous told him, "is when Obi-Wan sneaks into your room, and throws Xanthene in your hair."

"And what would that do?"

"Make your hair florescent yellow, pink, and bluish red."

"How is Obi-Wan going to do that in a Ben Skywalker story?"

"I changed my mind. I'm going to write a story where you get a Mon Calamarian head xenograpted onto your head."

"Who would do that to me?"

"Would you believe Xanatos? You don't like that idea. All right, how about an invasion of Xiphosuran's that grew large by being Xirradiated? You defeat them by i

 

LOL! Jodiwent, that was great! If my chair didn't have arms you would have had me on the floor...

I'm surprised at how many of these used the Alphabet soup challenge in some way or another... Though it certainly makes for an entertaining story...

 

Congrats to duskwings, DarthIshtar and Drabbo!
And also to everyone else who managed to tackle one of those challenges. It was great to read all of your ideas.
Also, thanks to those voting for me on challenge eight and your congrats.

Kettch, I would like to congratulate and thank you for this. I know that it must have been a lot of work and you have no idea how much I appreciate you starting this. After quite some time it was finally fun to write again and has given me the motivation to continue writing other things as well. You had a wonderful idea and managed to organise everything perfectly. So, all I can really say is . I hope you will have many more ideas like that and you can be sure that I will be here for the next race. Thanks a bunch for this.



Drabbo Hah! Zugzwang. I love that. Yet another word you English-speaking people have stolen from us. Loved your story, although I don?t understand all of it. But I?m used to that by now. And believe me, anyone who knows your sense of humour knew instantly which one was your story in challenge 8. Who else would be able to pull something like that off?

DarthIshtar Great idea. That?s a job I want to have.

duskwings Great! Now I only wonder what the first two points were on the list.

pokey1984 Oh, I loved it. Especially the last line. It must be scary.

Myri_Antilles Hmm, maybe we should ask Kettch some personal questions soon. Well done.

kateydidnt It was strange, but very original. You can?t speak, you?re a canon character! That?s my favourite line. I?m imagining someone from above calling that every time one of them opens their mouth.

Knight_Dilettante Wonderfully written with the alphabet. Seems like people can?t get enough of that. I loved Obi-Wan complaining about his own speech pattern.

maychorian Cool! I somehow have this image in my mind of Qui-Gon gleefully rubbing his hands together and Obi-Wan staring at him as if he had gone mad.

jodiwent I'm a person, not a muppet." "Shush. Yoda's sensitive about that. Great line. As was the rest of the story. Great use of the X-words.


Okay, I also have a problem with humour, but this was my try:

Addiction

?What are you doing there, Padawan.?

?Don?t disturb me, Master. I?m busy.?

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow. ?It certainly looks like it.?

Obi-Wan was sitting at his computer, typing away furiously, eyes glued to the monitor. Qui-Gon waited for a moment to see if his Padawan would react and when he didn?t the Master walked around the desk. What he saw on the monitor made no sense at all.

?A cute jawa squeaks and fur flies from blood-stained jaws? Padawan, what are you reading there??

His eyes not leaving the monitor, Obi-Wan said, ?Wait just a second?..Now I have to wait for the next two posts anyway.? He turned around and grinned widely. ?What was it you wanted, Master??

?I would have liked to know what you are doing there, Obi-Wan.?

?I?m taking part in the Writers Race. Oh, hang on a minute.? The Padawan again started typing, then pressed enter and leaned back.

Qui-Gon looked at the screen sceptically. ?And what, if you allow the question, is the Writers Race??

?It?s a writing contest. I found it on the holonet. Not sure where it?s coming from, but it seems to be quite far out judging from the primitive technology they?re obviously using to broadcast. It?s a bit strange that they are using our names in some of their challenges, but I guess that?s just a coincidence. Wait, wait, ah no, it?s over. Was there something else you wanted, Master??

?Sometimes I really wonder if I give you enough exercises, Obi-Wan.? Shaking his head in irritation and a bit of amusement, Qui-Gon left the room.

********************

Obi-Wan raced out of the lift and towards his quarters as soon as the doors opened. Bursting into his room, he stopped short.

?Master, what are you do

 

I loved both of those last stories, but was laughing especially hard at the x-words. You should put that in your X-file...