Title: In-Universe Jokes Author: rktho_writes Characters: Various Genre: Joke anthology Timeline: ranging from prequel trilogy to post-Empire era Summary: Jokes that you might hear in a galaxy far, far away. 1. A Trade Federation executive brags to his colleague. "Look at my new hat. I bought it for 17,000 credits." His colleague laughs at him. "You got ripped off. I bought a hat just like that one for 25,000 credits." 2. Why does General Grievous' starfighter have a rear-view feed? So he can see the front lines. 3. A man visits the Imperial census on an urgent matter. "I'd like to request a name change. I'm embarrassed by my current legal name." "Very well, what is your current legal name?" asks the receptionist. "Sheev Poodoohead." "That is an embarrassing name," the receptionist agrees. "What would you like it changed to?" The man thinks for a moment. "Arvel Poodoohead." 4. An Imperial battalion is preparing for an assault. When the commander orders the company to break for lunch, the lieutenant says, "Sir, we only have enough rations for half the unit." "Very well," the commander says. "We'll eat after the strike, then." 5. A Hutt visits his father in a state of melancholy. "Father, I've met the most beautiful Huttess, but she says she will only marry someone with a ten-story palace and a Minstrel-class star yacht!" The old Hutt replies with a huff, "Ma bukee, I'll get you a Minstrel if she doesn't like your Baudo, but I'm not demolishing five floors for her!" 6. A stormtrooper walks into a cantina with a puffer pig under his arm. "Get that filthy animal out of my cantina!" yells the proprietor. "Aw, c'mon, at least let me have a drink first," says the puffer pig. 7. A transport containing twenty-five Imperials crashed into an asteroid. The Rebel Alliance considered this a great tragedy— the transport was at half capacity. 8. New Republic officers take a Hutt collaborator into custody. "We know you've been selling secrets to the Imperials," says his interrogator. "Tell us who you work for!" The Hutt replies in Huttese, "I will never talk, Republic scum!" The Hutt's Twi'lek interpreter tells the interrogator, "He says he will never talk." The interrogator says, "If you do not talk, I will take this stun baton and shove it up your cloaca." The Hutt says, "Alright, alright, I'll talk!" The Hutt's Twi'lek interpreter tells the interrogator, "He says a Hutt fears nothing, not even torture." 9. A man is sentenced to ten years in an Imperial prison. His cellmate asks, "What did you do to get thrown in here for ten years?" "I did nothing!" the man insisted. "You're a liar," his cellmate retorts. "The sentence for doing nothing is only six years." 10. A Mandalorian travels to Keldabe to visit his brother. He arrives at his brother's apartment complex and steps into the turbolift with another man. When the door closes, the other man drops his kute and starts taking a dump on the floor. Unsure of how to deal with the awkward situation, the Mandalorian lights a cigarra. The other man looks at him. "Are you from Sundari, vod?" "Why, yes, i am," replies the Mandalorian. "How did you know?" The other man says, "Respectfully, vod, in Keldabe, we don't smoke in the turbolift."
I was giggling right at in-universe jokes for the title. This was such a clever idea for a story thread! I don't think I've seen anything like it before. I definitely laughed for more than a few of these - even when they got dark, and even a little (literally ) potty oriented, as jokes do. This was a great variety, and I already know that I'm going to share these with my other SW-interested friends. In particular, I enjoyed: Priceless. Thank you for sharing these with us! If and when you have more to share, I'm ready to laugh.
All of these got a proper chuckle out of me! Huge thanks for sharing! This one reminds me of the jokes that circulated among Soviet citizens during the Cold War. Obviously hilarious, but also hilariously satirical, and very telling!
I took inspiration from Cold War jokes (and general Russian humor) plus some ones from Nazi-era Germany. The General Grievous starfighter joke was originally about French tanks. You're welcome! And actually, now that you mention it, I do have a couple more! 11. Why do stormtroopers have numbers instead of names? 'Cause they never learned the alphabet. 12. (This one is popular in the lower levels of Coruscant, and it becomes even more popular in the aftermath of Endor.) Palpatine and Jabba die and go to hell. Jabba asks if he can place a call to make sure his affairs are in order, since he died rather suddenly. The devil agrees, but says a long-distance call to Tatooine will cost him. Jabba spends five minutes on the holocomm and gets charged 200 credits for it. Palpatine makes the same request, as he also died rather suddenly and he has his own empire to think of. The devil agrees to let him call Imperial Center. Palpatine spends half an hour on the phone and isn't charged anything. Jabba is outraged. "Why do I have to pay 200 credits for placing a call to Tatooine, but he gets to place a call to Coruscant for free?" The devil says, "No charge for local calls." 13. Why do police troopers patrol with Corellian hounds? Someone has to walk the troopers back to the station after their shift. 14. An Imperial officer walks into a cantina and sees a Ghorman. Sneering, he approaches the bartender and says, "Drinks for everybody on me— except for that fellow over there." The Ghorman rolls his eyes and smirks a little. Irritated, the officer orders another round. "Another round for everyone— but none for the traitor." The Ghorman grins but otherwise doesn't react. Furious, the officer orders yet another round. "Barkeep! One more round for the entire cantina— except for that filthy stinking Ghorman!" The Ghorman bursts out laughing at this. The officer turns to the bartender. "What the kriff is he laughing about?" The bartender shrugs and says, "He owns the place." 15. A man runs up to a stormtrooper and says, "My pet monkey-lizard has escaped." The trooper says, "Sir, we've got better things to do than to look for your lost pet." The man says, "I'm not asking you to find him— I just want you to know I don't share his opinions!"
I could absolutely see stormtrooper jokes being a constant in the Imperial Era. The jokes shared by clones would be hilarious too, but I get the impression half of them wouldn't be allowed to be posted
This is wholesome. This needs to be a Robot Chicken episode prompto! *files for head-canon later use as a reference* This is a thing that happened--it happened somehow, somewhere and now someone needs to write a story about it
I believe James Luceno said that Palpatine's first name came straight from George and was secretly canon before the Disney buyout. Yet in the Plagueis novel by Luceno, Palpatine rejects his first name entirely, such that the reader never learns what it is. So... I think even Sheev was embarrassed to be called Sheev! No question! In Andor, the title character actually does get sentenced to six years for basically doing nothing!
These jokes are absolutely hilarious to begin my day. Soldiers and firefighters have jokes like this all the time. And office workers: Get the missing files file from the archives.
It took me a little longer than I expected to review here because I wanted to share these jokes with my mother, who lived through the Greek dictatorship, and with my cousins, who grew up in Mubarak's Egypt, and we all had a good, good laugh. The joke with the stormtrooper and the puffer pig in particular exists almost as-is both in Greece and Egypt, as do those about being in prison for doing nothing and "not sharing the opinions" of the monkey-lizard, and there's one about local calls from hell to hell that's very famous in the Arab world. I hope you'll continue this series whenever inspiration strikes, because this is guaranteed giggles for all of us!
16. A man takes his landspeeder to get repaired. "The canopy won't close, so the rain gets in and fills it up." The mechanic, a G2 repair droid, promises to fix it. When the man returns for his speeder, he tries to close the canopy. "You didn't do anything, you stupid droid!" the man explodes. "Yes I did," insists the G2 droid, pointing to a hole in the bottom of the speeder. 17. A group of Duloks are dragging home a kublag when they run into a band of Ewoks. "You know," says one of the Ewoks, "you'd have an easier time dragging it by the antlers than the hind legs." The Duloks tell the Ewoks to get lost, but grudgingly take their advice after a few minutes. After about an hour of dragging the kublag by the antlers, one of the Duloks says, "You know, those Ewoks were right about this being easier, but I think we were making better time when we were dragging it toward the camp." 18. A stormtrooper approached a door. First, he tried to trigger the sensor. When that didn't work, he pressed the button. Nothing happened. Finally, the trooper tried to move it with his hands. The door didn't budge. "Hm," he pondered, tapping his foot. "It must be closed." 19. An Imperial officer is awoken by his door buzzer. He gets out of bed, muttering curses. "Every kriffing Taungsday I get a knock on the door in the middle of the night from someone who has the wrong address..." He grumpily opens the door to a man who could not more obviously be a rebel spy. "Banthas go eastward," says the spy cryptically. "Banthas can go kark themselves," the officer snaps. "Your contact is next door." 20. Two Imperial soldiers are catching up with each other. "How are you doing, Corporal Pavan?" "Actually, it's Lieutenant Pavan now. I got promoted after I saved my squad from certain death at Mimban." "Did you save them from a group of insurgents?" "No, I shot the cook." 21. An outlander in Mos Eisley hitches a ride with a pilot. "Is it far to Arkanis?" he asks before they lift off. "No," the pilot replies. They blast into hyperspace. After several hours, the outlander asks, "Is it far to Arkanis?" The pilot says, "Now it is, yes." 22. A hapless Duros crashes into a Black Sun vigo's luxury landspeeder and damages it. The vigo and his four henchmen step out of their vehicle. They observe that the Duros is driving a boltbucket, so the vigo says, "Since you clearly don't have any money to pay for the damage, we're just going to beat you up." "Wait!" cries the Duros. "Five against one— doesn't that strike you as unfair?" The vigo confers with his men. "Alright. Xozra and Zykor will fight on your side." 23. After performing surgery on a Neimoidian, the doctor takes him aside and says, "Sir, we'll have to operate again. I accidentally left a glove inside you." The Neimoidian says, "Here's 200 credits, just buy yourself a new one!" 24. An old man and a young man are in adjoining medcenter beds. "What are you in here for?" the young man asks the old man. The old man says, "Well, I had an old X-34 speeder that wasn't running so great, so I poured coaxium in the tank and crashed it. I saw a P71 and tried to pass it, but I went too fast and crashed. What about you?" The young man says, "Well, I was piloting my P71 when I saw a junky old X-34 going faster than me. I thought my speeder had broken down, so I stepped out." 25. There's two things I don't like about Senator Po Nudo: his face.
20 Imperials getting promoted after shooting a cook. Better cooking now? 19 Imp helping rebels. As it should be
I could tell that Andor was very much on the brain with a lot of these jokes. That one in particular had me thinking of Cassian having served as a cook on Mimban. I'm sure his food wasn't that bad!
Cassian is actually a very good cook— his best thing is chilaquiles, according to Diego Luna. Maybe he was called to replace the cook who got shot! He’s not even sympathetic to the cause, he just wants some kriffing SLEEP! One day these rebel spies will learn to knock on the right door… A few more jokes: 26. When does a clone trooper become a meat droid? When he leaves the room! (See also: when does an Ithorian become a leatherneck, a Twi’lek become a tailhead, an organic become a meatbag…) 27. Eight humans became stranded on a deserted planet— two Naboo, two Corellians, two Mandalorians, and two Chandrilans. A standard year later, the Naboo had curated an art gallery, the Corellians had developed a line of speeders, the Mandalorians were still fighting near the crash site and the Chandrilans hadn’t been formally introduced. 28. A Coruscanti, a Tatooinian, and a Mandalorian enter a cantina. The Coruscanti orders a juma juice. The Tatooinian orders an ardees. The Mandalorian orders a blue milk. The others look at him, confused. The Mandalorian says, “Well if you’re not drinking, then I’m not either!” 29. A group of prisoners in an Imperial camp are ordered to line up. They expect to be shot, but they are ordered to be hanged instead. “The rebels must be winning the war,” whispers one of the prisoners. “The Imps are running out of ammunition!” 30. A Naboo is about to drink from a pond when a Gungan runs up to him, yelling, “Exsqueeze me! Yousa maken huge-o boopjack if yousa gup from disa stickgooshy. Da falumpasets here taken bombad stinko droppos in dalee.” The Naboo says, “Sorry, I can’t quite understand you. What are you trying to say?” The Gungan says, “Yousa shud be usen both hands!”
So many classics here! A classic, an absolute classic. My mum knew it, and it's an all-time classic, there's no other word for it. Haha! The users of the boards who served or still serve in the military probably recognised this one. Yup. I didn't know the joke in this particular form, but it won't need to do much to adapt it to Greek drivers! And yet another one my mum knew. Lots of gallows humour (no pun intended) going on in dictatorships
Your mom had great taste in jokes! This one was adapted from a joke about the four UK nationalities. We really need more in-universe ethnic stereotypes in Star Wars. Especially about human cultures. Someone I follow on the dead bird website projects Italian-American stereotypes onto Corellians— in particular, their insistence that they aren't white. I don't know if that particular gag would work in-universe but I die laughing every time. Also, denominational stereotypes within religions— I mean, the Mandalorians are right there...
In honor of Skeleton Crew: 31. Captain Rennod calls for the ship's medical droid. "Arr, I've got these moles on me back," he says. "I think you'd best be havin' a look at 'em." The droid examines Rennod's back. "It's quite alright, Captain. They're benign." "Arr, you'd best be countin' 'em again," says Rennod. "I think there be ten." 32. A starship carrying red paint and a starship carrying brown paint both crashed into each other over a deserted planet and were both marooned. 33. What's a space pirate's favorite letter? A letter of marque from the Chancellor of the Republic. 34. Captain Rennod prepares to board a merchant vessel. "Droid, bring me my black jacket." "Aye, sir," says the droid, "But why the black one?" "Arr, so if I happen to be shot," Rennod explains, "the scorch mark won't show." "Right away, Cap'n." Just then, a fleet of Republic defense ships appears out of hyperspace. "Arr," says Captain Rennod. "Better fetch me my brown trousers while you're at it." 35. Two pirates find a mynock on board and shoot it. "You know, I hear mynocks are brain food," says one pirate. "Aye," says the other. "I eat 'em all the time." "Well," says the first pirate, "so much for that theory."
