Saga Chancellorcide: RotSAU. Anakin killed Palpatine...the method was a little unorthodox. UPDATED 20/7.

Title: Chancellorcide
Author: Estora
Timeframe: ROTS.
Characters: Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Padmé Amidala.
Pairings: Anakin/Padmé
Genre: AU, Humour, Parody
Summary: Anakin killed Palpatine on board the Invisible Hand. Granted, the method was a little unorthodox...Chaptered. Rated K+ / G.

Notes: This is also being posted over at FanFiction.Net. That version will be exactly the same as this one, however it will be updated more frequently. You may find the story at this link. There will not be a PM list for this fic, for which I apologise. Also, this is my attempt at intelligent crack (??), so it's definitely not meant to be taken seriously. Um. Yeah. *Coughs* This will occasionally parody situations from my other stories. Chancellorcide has been inspired by the fourth drabble from my The Bane Of His Existence series, but you don't need to have read that to understand this. So, yeah. I hope you enjoy this, and I hope that I'm able to make a few of you laugh!

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.


***


CHANCELLORCIDE

Part One
In Which Anakin Can't Concentrate


Really, Anakin thought afterwards, it was hardly his fault.

It had been a little bit difficult for him to concentrate when hanging above a two-hundred metre elevator shaft drop holding his unconscious Master in one hand and supporting his own body with the other. It was only made more difficult for him to concentrate when Palpatine wouldn't stop screaming hysterically at him.

"I'm slipping ? Anakin, you have to give me your hand, give me your hand!"

Everything would be much easier if Obi-Wan had the decency to be awake. "Don't panic!" Anakin snapped in Palpatine's vague direction. "Just hold on, okay?"

The Chancellor hugged Anakin's ankle with an impossible strength. In fact, for a few moments there Anakin was sure he'd lost circulation in his foot ? so it wasn't his fault that he had a muscle spasm at that particular moment, making him jerk that particular leg.

"Anakin, I'm slippingAARRRRGHHH ?!!!"

It all happened rather quickly. Truthfully, it was a bit of an anticlimax and little bit inconsiderate of him considering everything Anakin went through to save him from Dooku. Anakin stared down after Palpatine, who plummeted into the black abyss two hundred metres below with a blood-curdling scream before disappearing, and blinked.

Then he swore, but because of the surrealism of the situation, his mind stopped working and all he seemed capable of saying was, "Well, that's embarrassing."

For half a second Anakin was actually very glad Obi-Wan was unconscious, because he was definitely not in the mood for another lecture ?

Cough. "Anakin, did I just witness what I think I just witnessed?"

Worst. Timing. Ever. "You didn't see anything! Nothing happened! Stop accusing me of manslaughter, I didn't do anything!" Anakin calmly denied. Let Obi-Wan think he was hallucinating or had a concussion.

Obi-Wan, whose face was far too close to Anakin's ass than was absolutely necessary, seemed to be experiencing an aneurysm as he did not respond with his usual biting wit. It appeared watching the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic fall to his death detrimentally affected that rather annoying habit. Or maybe that was positively affected. Anakin wasn't good with figuring out that sort of stuff.

"Nothing happ??! Anakin, he ? you ? the Chancellor ? you killed him!"

However amusing it was to hear Obi-Wan squeak, that was just plain uncalled for. "I didn't kill him, he lost hold of my ankle. There's a difference, Obi-Wan," Anakin grumbled, scowling. "But if anyone asks, we'll tell them Dooku did it, okay?"

Obi-Wan splutte

 

Still as hilarious as it was yesterday! This idea is simply outstanding

 

Semantics is a wonderful thing, and so is silence!

So that's how Anakin brought balance to the Force, by accident!

 

this was funny...

then what happened? I want the Paul Harvey/rest of the story.

 

Such a shame that didn't happen.
Please tell me your going to post more?

 

Of course, I read this at ff.n prior to this, but it's just as good a second time around.

Nothing happ??! Anakin, he ? you ? the Chancellor ? you killed him!"

However amusing it was to hear Obi-Wan squeak, that was just plain uncalled for. "I didn't kill him, he lost hold of my ankle. There's a difference, Obi-Wan," Anakin grumbled, scowling. "But if anyone asks, we'll tell them Dooku did it, okay?"

Obi-Wan spluttered indignantly, and Anakin twisted them around, smacking the Jedi Master's head into the durasteel wall to knock him unconscious again. Obi-Wan slumped in his grip, and Anakin huffed. "Sorry, Master, but it's for your own good, you know."

There. Silence was much easier to concentrate in.

Obi - squeaking? Oh, my.

Well, at least, Ani didn't drop him like the Chancellor, no, he merely knocked HIM unconscious. Hah.

 

... so Han gave those pesky mice to Jacen, and Jacen turned to the Dark Side.... And that's ...... the rest of the story! This is Paul Harvey.... Good..Night! Can't believe it, someone else remembers that!

 

Totally Funny.

Sematics mean nothing. It still got the job done.

Great story!

 

Oh, this is hilarious! If only Palpatine had really died then and Anakin had fulfilled his role of the Chosen One in this way - what troubles the galaxy would have been saved!

And there's more to come? Looking forward to reading it!

 

One word: Ooops!

You should write more crack fics, this is excellent! Looking forward for more.

 

Anakin Skywalker isn't the Chosen One... Anakin Skywalker's left boot is the Chosen One!

... What? Can't help the fact that Anakin uses a truck load of boot polish. I loved this! And it showed me something I'd never noticed before, the symbolism of Palpatine hanging by a thread over a bottomless shaft, like in ROTJ.

 

Now that was funny! I love you're take on that scene. Bravo!

 

That made me crack up laughing. Methinks he protests too much.

I can't wait to read more.

 

REVIEW REPLIES -


Before I start the individual replies, I just want to say a collective THANK YOU to all of my reviewers! I deeply appreciate each and every single one of you taking the time to comment. I hope you all enjoy the next part to Chancellorcide which will be posted immediately after this!


GeneralKenobi7: Thank you, m'dear! I'm so glad you're enjoying it. I hope you enjoy this next installment, and thank you for your review!

dm1: Haha, the prophecy fulfilled...just a shame no-one realises it yet. XD Thank you for reviewing!

Ocelotl_Nesto: Haha! Here it is. Thanks for reviewing!

JediKnight_Mat: Oh, I agree - imagine how the Saga might have gone down if Anakin really did drop the Chancellor? XD Yes, I'm posting more. Updates may be extremely irregular, as this story is just a 'chill out' story and a break for my usual readers of my other stories when it gets overly angsty, but I do plan on finishing this. When, I don't know, but it will be finished. Thanks for reviewing!!

Valairy_Scot: It's always an honour receiving reviews from you, my dear! Thank you so much for taking the time. I'm very glad you're enjoying Chancellorcide. And I share your amusement/shock: Obi-Wan squeaking? Well, considering the circumstances, can't really blame the poor man. XD Thanks again for your review, and I hope you enjoy this next installment!

Across_The_Stars-24: Semantics...bah. If you truly believe, then it isn't a lie. XD Thanks for your review, I'm so pleased you're enjoying it!

Valiowk: Thank you so much! Haha, I agree - if only he'd died then. Could've saved the galaxy a heck of a lot of trouble. Yep, there's more - I hope you enjoy this installment, and thank you for reviewing!

Idrelle_Miocovani: Ooops, indeed. XD Perhaps I'll write some more crack after Chancellorcide is finished, but if you'd like to read more of my less-than-serious work, feel free to check out one of my drabble collections called The Bane Of His Existence. I had a lot of fun with that one. Thanks for your review!

Jedi_Master_Cazz: LOL!! Anakin's left foot is the REAL Chosen One. Funny you should mention the symbolism thing; I myself never caught the RotJ parallel until I wrote the drabble which inspired this story. XD Thanks for your review!

CommanderK23: Thank you very much! I'm so pleased you enjoyed. Cheers!

Alexis_Wingstar: I'm so glad you liked that part. I rather enjoyed writing that section as well! Thank you for your review, and I hope you enjoy this next installment!

 

CHANCELLORCIDE

Part Two
In Which Anakin Acts Responsibly


Waking Obi-Wan up after getting caught in a ray shield was the last thing Anakin wanted to do, but really, he had an obligation to the man. And to himself, of course. Two heads were better than one when plotting to get out of a trap. Not that he'd ever admit needing the help.

"Blergh?" Obi-Wan slurred.

?Better make that one and a half heads instead, then.

"No, Master, this wasn't my fault either."

"Unngh."

Suddenly Anakin began to worry about what damage the second hit to his former Master's head might have done. He patted Obi-Wan's shoulder and helped him keep balance. "There, there. Don't panic. I'll get us out of this yet. Patience is good. We should wait for R2. Sound good? Good."

"?Palpy?"

There was something oddly satisfying about watching the famed Negotiator struggle to find words, but it also indicated a concussion and Anakin hoped that Obi-Wan would snap out of it soon. "Uh, no, Master. Palpatine, erm, had an accident."

This seemed to wake Obi-Wan up a bit. He blinked and shook his head, swaying, and glared in Anakin's general direction with unfocused eyes. "He?you ? Anakin! This was a?rec-sue ? res- rescue mission, and you ?!"

"It was an accident, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan spluttered some more, but this was probably less due to outrage and more due to the rather spectacular bump that was rising on his forehead. "Oh, keep your beard on," Anakin muttered when Obi-Wan made a series of uncharacteristic obscene hand gestures. The bemused Jedi Master tried to make a retort but failed miserably, eliciting the slightest sliver of sympathy from his former Padawan.

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have hit him so hard.

It was just a shame, Anakin thought afterwards, that Obi-Wan couldn't have been more alert when they were surrounded by destroyer droids and Grievous's ugly personal bodyguard droids. Concussed Jedi Masters were pretty useless at moments like those. At least he wasn't alert enough to remind Anakin, when he was forced to hand over his lightsaber, that His Weapon Was His Life.


***


"All the escape pods are gone. Not one left on the whole ship. We're trapped."

He tried to sound grim, he really did, but clearly he failed since Obi-Wan was scowling at his inappropriately relieved tone. Or maybe because he still had a concussion, or because Grievous had just escaped. It didn't matter, really, since scowling was Obi-Wan's Default Expression anyways.

"Can you land us?"

Anakin chewed his lower lip. "Master?do you really want to go back and tell everyone that we dropped the Chancellor down an elevator shaft?"

"We?" Obi-Wan repeated in outrage. "That was your fault!"

"What are you complaining about? You didn't even like him!"

"I didn't ? I mean, I ? that's ? that's not the point!"

"I didn't drop him on purpose ?"

"? I saw what happened! You kicked him off!"

"My leg spasmed!"

"And I've always told you that you put on too much boot polish!"

"You do not you liar ?"

Obi-Wan wasn't listening. "Besides, haven't I taught you to not shirk from taking resp- resonib- respon-"

"Responsibility?" Anakin filled in, taking pity on his concussed Master.

"Yes, that. Every action has a ? a con?sequence, Anakin, and it would be very poor form of you to not take us back to Coruscant for you to accept the conquesences."

Whatever Obi-Wan was hoping to accomplish, returning to accept 'conquesences' for accidentally killing the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic was not a convincing argument in the slightest. In fact, it made Anakin even more determined to stay put.

"Nope," he said stubbornly, and crossed his arms over his chest. "Forget it. Nup. Not doing it. I'm not taking us back. I'd rather die."

Somewhere on Obi-Wan's head a few more hairs turned grey at the declaration, and the Invisible Hand broke in half.

"Anakin!"

"What."

"Stop being mellodratamic!"

"Do you mean 'melodramatic'?"

"No ? I mean

 

Poor Obi, unable to talk, poor Anakin, willing to kill his master and himself to save his resputation (yes, that's Obi-speech, not a typo!).

 

Poor Obi-Wan: one of the most important events in the course of the galaxy has to occur just when he's almost concussed, he's suddenly assigned half the responsibility for it, and to top all of that off he's in no condition to talk! Though, I guess he should be thankful that Anakin doesn't have a voice recorder on him at the moment, or Obi-Wan will never hear the end of it when he returns to the Jedi Temple... (Or have I just put a plot bunny into the hands of the author? )

And poor Anakin, not knowing that he (or his boot? ) has just fulfilled his role as the Chosen One and believing himself to have just done the galaxy a disservice - I'm currently imagining a situation where nobody discovers for years that the Palpatine was actually a Sith, and Anakin concludes that the prophecy was just wrong... Who knows, that might make him angry enough to turn to the Dark Side.

 

OMG, this is good.

The Force is balance because Anakin uses an obscene amount of boot polish.

Once they learn the truth about Palpatine, maybe Anakin can do commercials for that polish on the Holonet. :-D

I love that Anakin is prepared to go down with the ship rather than admit such a major screw-up. I can't for him and Obi-Wan to have to explain their rescue to the Council.

Please let me know about updates.

 

Oh... the Negotiator unable to talk? Shocking! At least he seems to remember now what happened.

 

there is one icon that sums up my responce. It is:

 

In Which Anakin Acts Responsibly

*snigger* I haven't even started yet, and somehow I doubt it.

"Blergh?" Obi-Wan slurred.

Very eloquent, Mr. Kenobi.

"Master?do you really want to go back and tell everyone that we dropped the Chancellor down an elevator shaft?"

Well, you never know... there's always an itty, bitty chance that the Chancellor could "get better", as the people of Camelot say.

"And I've always told you that you put on too much boot polish!"

So the boot polish killed Palpy. Quick, someone sue the boot polish company!

"Forget it. Nup. Not doing it. I'm not taking us back. I'd rather die."

[...] and the Invisible Hand broke in half.

Shh. Careful what you say, you never know when the Universe is listening.

You totally had me at "conquesences" and "mellodratamic". Brilliant! I am much enjoying. We all need a little more crack fic in our lives.

 

Anakin should just go down and face the music and
ask for a medal while he's at it

 

BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *Chokes on water* This is the fourth time I've read this and it still manages to crack me up every time. Love it. XD When are you gonna post the next chapter(s)? Anakin needs to face the 'conquesenses' for killing Palpatine with obscene amounts of boot polish. XD

~LL.

 

REVIEW REPLIES

Valiowk: Yes, I agree - poor Obi-Wan. It seems no matter what type of story I write, Obi-Wan will always suffer. Even if it's supposed to be a comedy. XD I really enjoyed reading your speculations in your review...mainly because, well, I'm writing this serially and sporadically, and the only plotline I have is what can be found in "The Bane Of His Existence", which is a total of 500 words. W00T. Plot bunnies are wonderful things to have - keep speculating! (I may just end up using one or two of you fantastic ideas. XD) Thank you for your review!!

TorontoJediMaster: Lol! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. XD OMG Anakin doing boot polish commercials for the HoloNet - you are amazing. I love that image. Hope you enjoy this next part!

dm1: Lol. Well...the Negotiator can sort of remember. And no, he can't speak. Stupid Anakin. XD Thanks for reviewing!

Jedi_QueenBee: I'm so glad you're enjoying! Thanks for commenting!

Idrelle_Miocovani: HAha! Thank you - frankly I'm overwhelmed with the response this story has been getting. I totally agree - we all need a bit more crack in our lives. Thank you so much for reviewing!

JediKnight_Mat: Hahah! well, at the moment, everyone still thinks that Palpatine was a kindly Chancellor, so...*Shrugs* Thanks for your review!

LadyLurker: Oh, El, you cause so much trouble everywhere you go. *Shakes head* Thanks for your review, m'dear. Anakin is about to face the conquesenses right now. XD Cheers!

 

CHANCELLORCIDE

Part Three
In Which Anakin Faces The Conquesences

Anakin was having a Very Bad Day, and it wasn't just because he'd accidentally killed the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. That on its own he could have handled (Probably maybe not really no).

Somehow, he'd let himself get convinced by Obi-Wan to get them to land ("Anakin, if you don't take this thing back down to Coruscant right now, I swear on Qui-Gon's grave and to everything I hold dear that I will spend the rest of our eternal existence in the Force making you meditate!") and when he did, things just went downhill.

It was hard enough trying to stop Mace Windu from freaking out, let alone calming the gathering of Senators there down. It was even harder to get away from the hysterics, but thankfully he managed to find Padmé. Five months he hadn't seen her ? five ? and their short reunion was quite wonderful until ?

"Anakin, I'm pregnant."

A quick, heroic death on the Invisible Hand suddenly seemed a lot more appealing. All he could do was thank the Force that Obi-Wan was nowhere near when Padmé dropped them bomb. As much as he valued Obi-Wan's fatherly advice (usually often sometimes never), the last thing he needed from his concussed former Master was a lecture about taking resp-resonib-respon-whatever and facing the 'conquesences' for not using proper protection.

It wasn't his fault he was allergic to latex.


***


Back at the Temple, an emergency Council Meeting was being held in light of Palpatine's death. Anakin hated it when Windu was in one of his Moods, like the kind of Moods that Padmé got during 'that time of the month'. Except she wouldn't be getting those anymore, Anakin supposed, not that a hormonal pregnant secret wife was any better.

But he was digressing. Windu's present Mood was 'Unimpressed', although like with Obi-Wan's scowl, this was his Default Mood so Anakin wasn't too worried (at all maybe just a little okay a lot he was screwed).

"You ? what."

Anakin flushed red and shoved his hands into his pockets, mumbling under his breath. On his right, Obi-Wan shook his head.

"Skywalker, are you trying to tell me that the Chancellor is dead, not because of Count Dooku but because you dropped him down an elevator shaft?"

Anakin had to be physically restrained when Obi-Wan helpfully added that Palpatine was also dead because Anakin used an 'obscene amount of boot polish'.

In the end, the Council decided the official story would be that Dooku had killed Palpatine before Obi-Wan and Anakin could rescue him, mostly to save the integrity of the Order. Since, you know, headlines like SKYWALKER KILLS CHANCELLOR BY ACCIDENT ON RESCUE MISSION or CHANCELLOR KILLED BY BOOT POLISH were not the most flattering.

"This'll go on my record for sure," Anakin moaned afterwards. "I'll never be made a Master at this rate."

Despite the fact that Obi-Wan currently had an icepack pressed to his head and hadn't quite recovered from his concussion yet, he gallantly tried to act sympathetically.

'Tried' being the key word.

Later Anakin would ask him how in the galaxy giggling ? giggling, of all things ? could be considered 'sympathetic', but for the time being he settled for leaving an imprint of his beautifully polished boot in his former Master's shin before stalking away in a huff.