Dress to Izzard: Thoughts from the Edge of Decency

In the immortal words of Eddie Izzard, "There's been a run on cake."

Yes, Eddie Izzard, the great British stand-up comedian. Who here thinks that this man is possibly the funniest human being on earth?

From Sean Connery to printers to thimbles to make-up, Eddie Izzard says it all. And he wears a dress while doing it.

Eddie Izzard can weave together the most far-off topics, such as the Anglican approach to the Spanish Inquisition, and make it so funny your sides not only hurt, but have split open and are waving about. Somewhat.

"Cake or death?"

I think I'll take the cake. What about all of you?

~ DS5

 

He's a great comic. I saw Dressed to Kill on HBO a while back, he had me in stiches throughout the entire show.

C'iao

 

Hi-larious, some would say. I got the Dress to Kill DVD for Christmas. Great stuff, really. He's intending on releasing all of his shows on DVD. I can't wait.

Eddie Izzard On Transvestites

"I'm a professional transvestite so I can run around in heels and not fall over. If women fall over in heels; that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels he has to kill himself."

"Transvestites are . . . male-lesbians."

"I used to keep make-up in a squirrel hole, up a tree. And sometimes I go up there and find the squirrel covered with make-up."

 

Eddie Izzard on Jobs

I grew up in the seventies, and that's when the careers advisor would come to school and gather everyone together and tell them all, "I advise you to get a career."

The careers advisor took me aside and he said, "Tell me what you want to do, kid. Tell me your dreams."

"I want to be a space astronaut; go to outer space. Discover things that've never been discovered before."

He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, right?"

"Alright, I want to work in a shoe shop. Discover shoes no one's ever discovered, right in the back of the shop, on the left."

And he said, "Look, you're British, scale it down a bit, alright?"

"Fine, I wanna work in a sewer."

 

And discover sewage that's never been discovered before! And pile it on my head and sell myself to an art gallery.

...What the duck have you been smoking, eh? Certainly haven't been smoking in a bar in California!


I was dead at the time! I was on the moon! With Steve!


Look, Luke, the force is really rather strong.

Oh yeah? 'ow strong?

Uh...as strong as a small pony!

That's quite strong.

 

Ah, another Eddie-fan.

QuiGonWill, have you ever seen/heard any other Izzard specials? ?

They're just as, if not more, funny as Dress to Kill.

~ DS5

 

Eddie Izzard rocks. Now bend over and keep walking.

 

I just recently realized that was Eddie as one of the Disco Boys in "Mystery Men" Took me a while to figure out who that was.

 

Yes, I've heard that too. Eddie also was the actor, can't think of his character's name, in Shadow of the Vampire. I don't think he's, yet, been a transvestite on the screen, though.

You know, I bet Eddie hates being a transvestite. It's a difficult word on its own and he's dyslexic.

As Eddie once said, "There's some rivalry within the transvestites. Rivalry with three v's."

~ DS5

 

I have Definite Article and Unrepeatable on CD, and Glorious on VHS. I love them. My science teacher is making copies of his VHS Def. Article and Unrepeatable.

"Day one, rang bell, dog ate food. Day two, rang bell slightly louder, dog ate more food. Have become Welsh. Day three, rang bell very loudly, dog ate tons of food! Prefer Welsh, will continue in this vain."

 

Great, I'm looking forward to getting enough money to buy the DVDs from his website.

But you know, he never released his cat results. "Day one, rang bell, cat ducked off. Oh dear. Day two, rang bell, cat went and answered door. Day three, rang bell, cat said he'd eaten earlier. Cheeky bugger. Day four, went to ring bell but cat had stolen batteries. Final day, day five, went and rang bell with new batteries but cat put its paw on bell so it only made a 'thunk' noise. Then cat rang his own bell! I ate food . . . "

 

IDDAHD!

 

I love Eddie Izzard!

"Cake or Death?

Cake..

Sorry we're all out of cake..

So my choice is Or Death?"

He's great!

 

"Alright, it's time for breeding. Dogs, you'll breed with Doggie fashion! Cats, you have doggie fashion!" "Wait, can't we have kitty fashion?" "No, dogs have a patent. Giraffes, you have...Doggie fashion! Well, any way you can figure it out really. Salmon. Ooh, salmon I have a surprise for you. First you'll swim upstream, then you'll leap! You'll leap up a waterfall to the place where you were born. You'll lay your eggs, and then you'll die!" "W-wait, can't we have doggie fashion?" "No salmon, frankly you piss me off. Cost too much in restaurants."

 

I'm so glad so many people know of Eddie Izzard. Everyone should know of him. He's like water. Only not quite so essential to life.

"Cake or death?"

"Um, death please."

 

Cake or death?

Aah, death. NO CAKE!

Ah-ha, you said death first!

Well, I meant cake!

Oh, alright.


Welcome to Church of England Airlines, cake or death?

I had the vegetarian meal.

Aah yes, here you go Mr. Hitler. Would you like some white wine? There you go, you Nazi sh******.

 

"you don't own our nation...millions of people live here."

"um, but doooo youuuu have a flaaag?"

i love Eddie Izzard!

 

Yes, Hitler was a mass murdering duck head, as many noted historians have said.

Oh, QuiGonWill, you might want to star out the rest of that word. The Administration gets a little picky about that.

~ DS5

 

Starred it out with 2 minutes to go


"Ok, everyone, give 'em back. Britain..." "Wot?" "What's that behind your back?" "India and a number of other countries..." "Put them back..." "Oh, alright. Here, this goes here...Oh, we need the Faulkland Islands, for strategic sheet purposes."

 

that is sheep purposes

 

Yeah. The war there was rather ridiculous. All that over a tiny piece of nothingness.

~ DS5

 

And to those of you who don't speak French, I assure you that was all really <censored> funny!





Self-Appointed God Emperor of the JCC

 

If the Presendent of Berundy asks you for a cup of coffee you should think you're in.

"So, how do you take your coffee?"

"Anywhere I find it, big boy."

~ DS5

 

Yay! I love Eddie Izzard!!! He's the best.