P.Rico El Thread de los Chistes! :D

Posteen aqui todos los chistes que se le ocurran!






Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes
to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and
jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9 installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs
and Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried
running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.


Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
these applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember,
overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence
2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT
install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but
it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve
performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie
5.3.

Tech Support







What are a woman's four favorite animals?

1. A mink in the closet.
2. A jaguar in the garage.
3. A tiger in the bedroom.
4. And an ass to pay for it all.






One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of
his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the
other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for
his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are
too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is
almost a foot tall."

 

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of
a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts
searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves
the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.


By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.


Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being
played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the
9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.


By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.


Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for
the music.


"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's
just decomposing!"

 

A little boy asks his father what the difference between theory and reality. "Well, his father replies, go upstairs and ask your mother and your sister whether or not they would sleep with old man Wilson, who lives next-door, for a million dollars."
When he returns from asking he says, "Yes, they both said they would."
"Well son, that's the difference between theory and reality. In theory we are Millionaires! In reality we are living with two whores."



Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 3: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Faggot!!"



"Don't you hate it when you're kissing your Grandma and suddenly the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head? Ouch!"

 

There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

 

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

 

Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.

 

Keep it down Ktulu...down boy, down!

 

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the horses stumbled, he said, "That's once."
Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."

 

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."



A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic scoffed at this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing! I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."




Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water. The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?" The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!"

 

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

 

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

 

Three guys die in a car crash and go to heaven.

St Peter says to them "Here's how it works. Each of you has a clock. Each time you sin, the clock moves a little bit. Depending what time is it in your clock, you get into heaven."

They all nod.

"Lets see, Pancho. Here is your clock. It says 1:12. Good! You get into heaven."

He turns to the second one.

"Bill, here is yours. It says 5:14. Its a bit much, you mainly were a good person, so you go in."

The second man sighs as he goes in. The third man asks:

"St Peter, I don't see mine!"

"Oh Manuel!" He answers, "Jesus' got yours. He uses it as a fan!"




*********



Un viejito se muere y va a el cielo. San Pedro le pregunta como se llama, pero el viejito esta tan viejito que ni se acuerda.

"Pero, señor, no se acuerda nada de su vida que nos pueda ayudar?"

"Ayayayayay...no she, dejame penshar. A shi, yo, yo era carpintero!"

"Ah, pues dejeme llamar a Jesus, que era carpintero a ver si nos puede llamar... Jesus! JESUS!"

"Voy, voy! Que paso?"

"Tenemos este señor carpintero que no sabe quien es."

"Ah, deje ver. Señor, digame algo de su vida."

"Ayayayayayay...puesh yo me acueldo de que yo tenia un hijo. Shi! Un hijo...era bieeeen famosho, todo el mundo lo queria...shi! Escribieron mushos librosh sobre el. Era bieeen querido, shi. Hisho milagros y la gente lo adoraba."

Jesus, ya visiblemente afectado, deja caer una lagrima...

"Padre!" grita Jesus.

Y el viejito contesta:

"Pinocho!"






****


Que pasa que solo Manlio Juan y yo hemos posteado? Nadie mas sabe chistes?

 

Pinocho LOL!




A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught.

 

Una señora de edad, muy admirada en el pueblo porque era la única profesora de órgano, estaba cumpliendo 85 años y recibe una llamada telefónica del cura del pueblo ratificándole que la visitaría en la tarde a su casa para darle la felicitación por su onomástico.

Cuando el cura llega a la casa de la anciana, se da cuenta que sobre el órgano que tiene la viejita en la casa hay un jarrón de vidrio lleno de agua con un condón flotando.

El cura no puede creer lo que ve y trata de disimular su asombro ante la viejita. Luego de un rato hablando sobre todo lo que la viejita ha hecho en 85 años de vida y haberse tomado dos cafecitos, el cura sigue atónito de ver el condón flotando en la jarra de vidrio, así que no aguanta mas y decide salir de su curiosidad:

"Perdona hija pero, ¿me podrías explicar que es eso? " apuntando al jarrón.

" Ahhh, claro que si, es maravilloso!!. El año pasado estaba caminando yo por el pueblo y de pronto vi un sobrecito en el piso que decía en
letras muy pequeñas:

"Colóquelo sobre el órgano, manténgalo húmedo y prevendrá cualquier enfermedad."

"Y desde entonces, ni gripe me ha dado"

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," --Mariah Carey



"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.



"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.



"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.



"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"--A congressional candidate in Texas.



"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne



"Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark



"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President



"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle



"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca



"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.



"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"-- sports analyst.



"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.



"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ?Bill Clinton, President



"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, VP



"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery



"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina



"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

Good quotes! He aqui algunos de nuestro gran presidente George W. Bush:

-"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
-"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
-"Public speaking is very easy."
-"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
-"I know that the human-being and fish can co-exist peacefully"
-"If you know what you believe it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question"
-"I do know I'm ready for the job, and if not, that's just the way it goes"
-"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
-"We don't want an America that is closed to the world. What we want is a world that is open to America."
-"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
-"We ought to make the pie higher."
-"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
-"Keep good relations with the Grecians."
-"I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember."
-"I would have said yes to abortion if only it was right. I mean, yeah it's right. Well no it's not right that's why I said no to it."
-"Down in Washington they're playing with Social Security like it's some kind of government program!"
-"The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war!"
-"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."
-"You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
-"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier...just as long as I'm the dictator..." --Washington, DC, Dec 18, 2000, during his first trip to Washington as President-Elect

and finally:

"You don't need to be smart to be president" --Republican Congressman J.C. Watts - said at a February campaign appearance on Bush's behalf. Washington Post, 6/11/00

Bonus- una parodia cruzando la guerra en Iraq y AOTC:
[image=http://www.bettymeetsboris.com/comedy/images/bush_warmovie.jpg]

 

LOL!Gulf Wars
Isn't there another thread for quotes ?

Now a JOKE:

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

 

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

 

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.

"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"

"Mmm, that IS a hard one."

"Enter."

 

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to ****!"

 

Prostate Exam

Witty comments that can be used during prostate exams (that is, if you can actually be witty while someone's hand is up your rear):

1. "Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me now?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincteriffic!"
5. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
13. "Deflector shields: Down!"

 

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

 

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''