Beyond - Legends Heir To the Empire Humorous Version Continued-Spoilers, possibly for NJO, Marvel, ST and Disney SW

THIS THREAD CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR POSSIBLY the NJO, Sequel Trilogy, MCU and General Disney SW, and possibly DCU

RATED PG-13 for sex humor and language, and violence.

TITLE: HEIR TO THE EMPIRE HUMOROUS VERSION

Authors: CmdrMitthrawnuruodo, study888, other authors that I will list as they appear.

Notes: I'd like to try for us to get the entire Original Thrawn Trilogy Parody done eventually, and finish the NJO HV's, then move on to Fate of the Jedi HV's etc.

In time I'll post links to the NJO HV's.


This thread is a continuation of this thread:

https://boards.theforce.net/threads/heir-to-the-empire-humorous-version.734530/

and

this thread:

https://boards.theforce.net/threads/heir-to-the-empire-humorous-version.1707071/

A parody based upon the SW EU/Legends Novel Heir To The Empire by Timothy Zahn.

Enjoy.

this is Round robin, or add-on, meaning anyone can jump in at any time and add parts of the story. This is told partly in narrative and partly in script format, as convenience or whim dictates, as in the Heir To the Empire and NJO HV's that have gone before. I have not read the NJO HV's, only bits and pieces here and there, but I'm sure there are many here who have, can and/or will.

Chapter 1 Cont'd

Thrawn: What did you think?

Pelican: Oh, very nice, very nice; that one over there was particularly nice....anyway.......

Thrawn: All holographic, of course. Made me wish they were actually here.

Pelican: Oh, I can just imagine that, sir! Anyway, I thought you'd like to know, Admiral, that the scouts have returned from the Oba-dee-oba-da system. The wing commander will be ready for debriefing in a few minutes.

Thrawn (nods) were we able to tap the central library system?

Pelican: They got at least a partial dump. A lot of smut-you know, steamy bodice-ripping Romance novels and such, and Mystery novels, and History Books- but there was an attempt at pursuit- the wing commander thinks we lost them, though.

For a moment, Thrawn was silent. "No," he said, I don't believe he has. Particularly not if his pursuers were from the Rebel Dance Troop." Taking a deep breath, he straightened in his chair, and for the first time, took his eyes off the holographic artwork all around him, and looked at Pelican.
Pellican returned the other's gaze without flinching, feeling a small measure of pride at his achievement. Many of the Umporer's top commanders and cortiers had never learned to feel comfortable with those glowing red eyes. Or with Thrawn himself for that matter.

Meanwhile, on Adelphi

Marcus Streetwalker: You mean to tell me that my name is going to be changed to Luke for all the NJO Humorous Versions, and Lee will be known as Leia, and Kindof Thin will not be born?

Guaranteed Oreos: Yeah, that's kinda the way that the HV writers did it, and how Lucasfilm story group did things in 2014, they made two different Star Wars continuities. In one, Legends, you never die and you live happily ever after with Leia and Han, but the tradeoff is that Chewie dies by having a moon dropped on him, and Kindof Thin is never born. In the other, Canon, you die alone on an island world, and Jacen and Jaina are never born, and neither is Ben Skywalker, and also some say you never marry Mara Jade.

Luke: Is there any way to traverse both timelines?

Palpatine: Not for a Jedi.


Now, back to Thrawn and Pellican:

Which is why Thrawn had spent so much of his career out in the unknown regions (Could Ezra and the Purgill have something to do with that?) , working to bring those still barbaric sections of the Galaxy under Imperial control. (Oh, no, that can't be right. Do the normies know the difference between the Unknown regions and the Great Beyond?)

Pellican often wondered how the Battle of Endorphin would have ended if Thrawn, not Vacuous, had been commanding the Executioner. "I've ordered the sentry line into yellow alert. Shall we go to red?"

"Not yet," Thrawn said "We shall still have a few minutes"


Just then Lieutenant Tattletale's taut voice called over the intercom. "Sir, we're under attack!"

"Should we go to red alert NOW?"

Thrawn: No. We must instead rotate the ship around counterclockwise several times.

The Chimera rotated around several times in space, making all the Rebels so dizzy they all started firing at each other in mass confusion.

An hour later, it was over.

Edit: Somehow, I forgot to mention that this thread is a Round Robin Challenge and anyone may just jump in at any time. Apologies for failing to mention this. -study888

Edit 2: I looked again and I see I DID mention it.

 

Part 3 of Chapter 1

Papa Smurf Grand Admirable Groan was fiddling with a data card absentmindedly in his ready room as he gazed out at the stars.

Pellican: Admiral?

Thrawn turned his head, resting his glowing red eyes on Captain Pelican. "It's the second piece of the puzzle."
Abruptly he turned to the intercom and pressed it. "Bridge, this is Papa Smurf Grand Admirable Groan. Signal the Death Metal; inform Captain Hardyboys we'll be temporarily leaving the Fleet. He's to continue making tactical surveys of the local systems and pulling data dumps wherever possible-the more smut the better-send it all to my personal reading room. Then set course for a planet called Murky-the nav computer has its location."

"You seeem to be lost, Captain. You've never heard of the Murky Fountain?"
Pellican: Should I have?
"It's the planet that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."

Pelican: Is that even possible, Sir?

Thrawn: Probably not. Most of those who have been smugglers, malcontents, and otherwise useless dregs of the galaxy, have tried it. Few have succeeded, if any.

He paused, taking a measured sip from a mug- a strong Formic Ale from near the Earth System, predating the Great Formic Wars, and its hero Mazer Rackham.

Pelican: Why all this exposition in the scene description?

Thrawn: I ran across an offhand reference to it some seven years ago, in the book Ender's Game.

Pelican: You read science fiction?

Thrawn: What would make you infer that, Captain?

Pellican: Because you read Ender's Game. Tell me more about Murky please Admiral.

Thrawn.: Oh. It's a frontier planet, somewhere too far away for anyone to care about.

Pelican: Then why do we care?

Thrawn: Murky is, in fact, no more than 150 light years from here- close to our border with the Rebel Dance Troop and well within the Old Republic's Boundaries.

Pellican: But you just said....

Thrawn: study888 is messing up our dialogue. Murky was the first piece of the puzzle, see, or one of its indiginous animals- the Marsupilami. The second piece is a world called Waylon Smithers. A world for which, thanks to the Oboeans, I finally have a location.

"I congratulate you," Pelican said, suddenly tired of this game. "May I ask what this puzzle is before I get tired of this game again?"

Thrawn: (Smiling) Why, the only puzzle worth solving. The complete, total, and utter



30 years later

Luke Skywalker is missing. Lord Santa Clause has a puzzle piece and R2-D2 has the other piece in his memory banks to reveal his location


Thrawn: (cont'd) is that over now? As I was saying, the complete, total, and utter destruction of the


KYLO REN: Resistance!

Thrawn: Clear off you Smilo Ren wannabee. -of the Rebellion!

End of Chapter 1.

Just a reminder this is a Round robin and anyone may help write. You may ask to be put in our group HVs pm if you'd like to share ideas or plan ahead with us. Being in the group pm is not a requirement for writing Humorous Versions.

 

Well, it's been a few Days and no takers, so I'll post Part One of the Second Chapter (For any beginner, it's so easy to write humor - just take the book or script and use your imagination to make it silly as you want, matching tit for tat the story beats of the material at hand. It sometimes may take a little thought to find out a way to make it funny and consistent with the context of the other HV's, and maybe a little research, but the result will bring plenty of smiles and laughs to many, plus you can be a part of greatness.)

The way I do this particular HV is I read ahead to get a general idea of how I can make the scenes/scene funny and I just write it. I am hoping there will be others who will catch on to to the Vision of the HV's and contribute. So far there have been over 30 individual authors of the HV's in general and that's a conservative estimate.

Well, enough commenting, on to the funny....

P.S. For Members of the JCC, a search of 'Humorous Versions' will take you to almost all the extant Skywalker Saga, SW Show and EU/Legends HV's, so you may catch up if you so desire.

Chapter 2 - Part 1

"EU Luke?"

"T* dy' you just call me?" Ew Luke?"

"No," Been-There McNobi said, rolling his eyes. Zeb explained this to you earlier back on Adelpheyes. You are not Canon anymore, you are Legends or Expanded Universe Luke, hence 'EU Luke' to distinguish you from Canon Luke in the OTHER timeline created in 2014 CE."

"Ugh. Please don't remind me."

"Anyway, I'm afraid for no apparent reason, it will be a long time before I appear to you again. I've come to say good bye, EU Luke."

"Wouldja STOP calling me that already? Man!"

Whack

Been-There: Remember, EU/Legends Luke, there's always a bigger fish.

Luke: Dammit!

Been: What? You told me not to call you EU Luke so I called you EU/Legends Luke. What's the problem.

Luke: I'm GLAD you're going away! Good riddance!

Been: And Luke?

Luke: Yes?

Been (makes armpit noises)

Been fades out.

Then he fades in again.

"Oh, by the way, you will face great dangers, but you will also find new allies. (Blows raspberry at Luke) Bye."

He fades out.

At least that was semi-useful information, Luke thought.

Then Luke woke up.

For a moment he just lay there, a little disoriented from sleep, staring at the lights of Imperial City above him. (For context, this was about two years after he saved Star Wars by rescuing Grogu (Baby Yoda to the Normies) in Canon-in-Legends and about four years after he defeated Vader and his Emporer at Endorphin and about eight years after he blew up the Death Star.) (All Approximately now). First, Uncle Owen Larks and Auntie Beroo SunWhite Larks had been burned up in a standard regulation Troops bonfire after they had been disorderly; then Darth Vacuous, his near uncle, had sacrificed his own life for Luke's (Been-There McNobi was his father); and now, well, Been-There's Force Ghost would be gone for a long time.

For the third time, he'd been orphaned.

With a sigh, he got up, got dressed, ate toast with Nutella and a shotglass of Spotchka that he chased with Brandy then refilled the shot glass with Coca Cola and chased the Brandy, then chased the Coca Cola with Blue Milk, the Blue Milk with Green Milk (E tu, Legends Luke?) and the Green milk with OJ and the OJ with water, then he REALLY had to pee BAD.

When he had flushed the 'fresher and washed his hands and face, he went back into his bedroom of the Condo that Pimp-Action Billy Dee had showed him, attached his brightsabre to his robe sash, then headed up to the roof.

As he did several laps around the deep end of the Olympic Size Swimming pool, he reflected.

He had argued strongly against moving the center of the New Republic's seat of government from Hosnian Prime to here on Coruscant. He had argued more strongly against putting the seat of the Chancellor in the old Imperial palace. He argued even stronger against making mind evaporators easily accessible in public schools, and, even stronger against showing Micky Mouse's Clubhouse to children younger than 3. He had also argued very very strongly against his sister Leia wearing her Jabba's Palace slave outfit in public everywhere she went just letting everything hang loose. She argued that now we were free to 'do as we pleased' so should act accordingly. He had nothing to say against that because after all, she WAS the politician in the family, not him. He would just continue to Jedi and leave the politicking to her.

The next major thing he planned on arguing against was continuing to use Mind flares as a form of corporal punishment for crimes against the Republic, citing the US Constitution's prohibition against 'cruel and unusual punishment'. He knew most people in the GFFA, not even himself, had ever heard of the 'US Constitution', whatever that was, but it was worth a shot anyway.

He turned to see C-3PO shuffling his way across the roof.

"No, I was not watching you swim in the buff." C-3PO said.

"That's alright" Luke told him "I just wanted an invigourating swim, that's all."

From the corner of his eye, he saw 3PO stand straighter. "I hope I didn't offend you, sir." the droid said anxiously. That was not my intent."

"You didn't offend me." Luke assured him. "Men see me with my shirt off all the time. It's perfectly normal."

"Oh," Threepio said. "Forgive me, Sir . . . but may I ask what the hell you are drinking??"

"Formaldylhyde, if you must ask."

What the hell?"

"Well, I've had enough alcy-hall today, so I've switched to something a little more....daring. What's up?"

"Princess Lee sent me, of course. I just returned from making a surprise appearance in a session of the Senate...something about Heron Syndrome, Ahsoka Bratto and Esdras Bridgetoofar that contradicts this story. Anyway, sir, she said you were in some sort of distress."

"Even in the middle of the night that brat can pick up on my moods. What a damned showoff."

Whack

Lee (In his head): I heard that.

"Shall I tell her you're all right then?"

"Sure,"Luke nodded. "And while you're down there tell her that she should quit worrying about me and mind her own damn business."

"I'll deliver the message, Sir"

"And tell her that despite all her general brattiness, I still love her."

"Yes sir. Good night, Master Luke."

"Good night, Stinkio"

"Threepio-these are the EU HV's not the Skywalker Saga ones."

"Oh, yeah. Goodnight Threepio", Luke said, then went back to swimming.

As he swam in the shallow end this time, he thought of his sister, Leia, Ben's other kid, and sensed the twins in her womb, marvelling again at the strange feel of the unborn children within her. The Skywalker/McNobi heritage was indeed with them; the fact that he could sense them at all implied they must be tremendously strong in the Force.

As he then thought of Ben, he broke off the contact.


***


Threepio/Stinkio shuffled his way out of the room, and with a tired sigh Leia Organic Solo settled back against the chintz pillows. Half a satisfying gooey nougat and chocolate and caramel Milky Way bar is better than none, she thought as she chowed down on the rest of her chocolatey treat. She tossed the wrapper onto the floor.

In whisked a security droid, sirens blaring.

"No littering. Please deposit trash in the nearest trash receptacle" it said as it quickly plucked the offending wrapper off the floor.

"Open up R2 and toss it in him" Lee retorted as the offending police droid left the room behind 3PO.

She sighed again and felt the touch of her brother's mind. Once she had kissed him, right smack on the lips. It made her cringe every time the scene replayed in her mind. She hadn't known.....if only she'd known....EWWWWWWWWWW! GROSS!

She shuddered.

She placed her hand on her belly over her dress and felt her twins kicking. She could sense them in the Force. Were they strong in the Force? She did not know.

Faintly from the next room came the sound of footsteps. She hauled her blankets up to her chin. The bedside lamp was still glowing, and she reached out with the Force to turn it off. It didn't even flicker. She tried again, reaching out with her feelings. The lamp flew off the table, bounced off the ceiling and as Winterofourdiscontent walked in, the lamp came smack down onto her head.

"Ow, your majesty"! , she said, rubbing her shimmering white head of hair where the smart was. "Are you alright?"

"Are YOU alright? I didn't mean to-"

"It's ok. It doesn't even hurt at all," she lied.

Leia sighed and gave up.

"I saw the light under your door and thought you might need something."

"I've been having...stomach problems, yeah, that's it."

"Stomach problems caused maybe by that wastepaper basked filled to the brim with candybar wrappers and Hershey's Pot 'o Gold boxes?"

"No the babies, silly. I have three mouths to feed now, you know. I get all these unusual cravings. Ever had pickles and spice-cream?"

"When I was pregnant with my daughters, yes, but I don't think that's the case. You've had a sweet tooth ever since I've known you, Leia. It's just gotten way worse."

"Let's change the subject"

Awakened in the middle of the night, dressed in an old robe with her hair in total disarray, Winterofourdiscontent still looked more regal than Lee/Leia herself could manage on her best days. As children on All-Drained/Alderaan, some visitors to the planet often couldn't tell them apart. Once they had played a parent trap - like prank on, oh never mind, it was done in the Acolyte. pooh.

Winterofourdiscontent had a knack for recording mentally every conversation she heard. Some people, Leia thought, wouldn't like that at all.

"Can I get you some pickles?" she asked. "Or some spice-cream?"

"No thank you, my food replicator generates enough candybars and chocolates to satisfy all my.....cravings.....anyway my stomach isn't REALLY bothering me at this moment, it's Marcus/Luke.

"Same thing that's been bothering him for the past nine weeks?"

Lee: (frowning) Has it been that long?

Winterofourdiscontent: If you count the weekends, holidays, leap day and Christmas, yes. You've been busy.

Leia: Tell me about it.

Win': Perhaps it's about your pregnancy. Nine weeks ago should put it at just about right.

Leia: Yes, I know. But that's also about the same time Moth Monma and Admiral Fishhead were pushing to move the government seat here to Corkscrew-can't.
Also about this time we started getting reports from the borderlands about some mysterious Sherlock Holmes-like tactical genius from Rebels seasons 2, 3 and 4 having taken command of the Umperial Feet- er - Fleet.

Win' held her hand out, palm up. "Take your pick. I suppose you'll just have to wait until he's ready to talk to you." Wint' considered. "Perhaps Captain Solo will be able to draw him out when he returns."




Ok, have at it guys. I know no one has stepped in recently but my discord friend Arius (a Member here) but y'all are much more creative (and able to write humor) than you know. I look forward to seeing your additions to the story. Also looking forward to when we push on and finish NJO HV's and start FoTJ HV's.

And anyone may, at any time, start The Rise of Skywalker Humorous Version. God bless, and May the Force Be With you all.