In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake...

...But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomasszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference a hospital spokesperson described what happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 10 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY:

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Hello!

9. "...so I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhh! I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8. That poor gerbil being shot out of that guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing here, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".

6. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing & then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of raving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashion, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor & saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot & we took this cardboard tube..."

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up butts."

2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference about this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City? What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.





Yeah, I know it's old, but hey. Its still makes me laugh

http://www.jokedepot.com/pages/animals/animals41.html

 

[image=http://img416.imageshack.us/img416/1671/ohno0dg.gif]

 

Ouch! I don't want to think about that one too hard.

 

This is priceless, can't believe this...

 

OMG! LMAO!

 

Tell me...tell me this isn't real. This doesn't even seem possible. A gerbil being blown out of a guy's ass?


I think this is a job for Mythbusters.

 

And what of the poor abused gerbil?

 

Hmm, yeah. It WOULD be pretty amusing to see them recreate this.

 

Does anyone remember when this was the big story everyone was telling about Richard Gere?

Now that was funny.

 

http://www.snopes.com/risque/homosex/gerbil.asp

 

When I lived in Washington I knew a man who'd been a nurse for more than twenty years, and the stories he told should have been made into movies. The list of things people will stuff down their throat, into their nose, ears, and anus is endless. He did mention quite a few of our little friends from the animal kingdom, as well as pencils, pens, a Ken doll, soda bottles, a stuffed snake, and in one instance, a bottle rocket on the 4th of July. (which to me seemed to be the height of patriotism)

Most of the animals went on to their critter heaven reward.

 

I recently read an account of a woman who accidently got a cell phone stuck in her vagina.

 

I wonder what she wanted the person on the other end to hear?

 

Obviously she set the ringer to vibrate and then called herself.

 

*falls over lauging*

 

Can you hear me now? /obligatory

 

I think that's what it was sorta. Though, it apparently it was used for foreplay, and not masturbation.


But it's still funny.

 

Oh, now that's just sad.

I don't even want to think of the bacteria count on that thing.

 

Remember that study a year or two ago that showed that the toilet seats in offices were actually cleaner than the desks? This was because the toilets were cleaned and sanitized daily, whereas the desks were used month after month after months and never given more than a dusting, if that.

 

I believe it. Let's just hope she kept her phone on the toilet seat and not on her desk while at work.

 

The phone or the vagina?

 

Well, both, after said incident.

 

Obligatory post:

"A great adventure is waiting for you ahead
hurry onward Lemmiwinks or you will soon be dead.
The journey before you may be long and filled with woes
but you must escape the gay man's ass or your tale can't be told..."

 

Where's PETA when you REALLY need them?

Oh, and this is another reason for why I think homosexuality is wrong.

 

Well, this story really doesn't support that, since

a. It is fictional

b. This type of thing isn't limited to homosexuals.