ITT You Terrify Me About My New Job

On Monday, I go back to work. I will have a new classroom in a new school, which will be filled with new kids.

It is an inner-city K-12 charter school, and I will be teaching a middle school special ed class.

Other than that, I have no idea what is about to hit me.

So what is the worst that could happen? Fourteen eighth-graders who can't read? A kid so hyperactive he runs around his desk all day, screaming "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME I'M THE SECOND HAND ON A CLOCK!!!"? One who throws up whenever she gets nervous--which is right before math class: every. single. day.? Nineteen mostly-normal kids and one who sits under his desk, eats paste, and shrieks like Jamie Lee Curtis in "Halloween" at totally random intervals? A class made up entirely of 15-year-old boys--except for one 15-year-old girl, who likes to wear see-thru plastic skirts and a T-shirt that says, "Do U Like My Milkshake?"

Could anything possibly be worse?

 

It is possible your new school is the secret staging ground for an imminent alien invasion and that the majority of the children and staff are possessed by these same aliens or other aliens allied with them, and that you have been targeted to join them.

 

The boys forcing themselves on you would be worse and "could" actually happen.

 

A class full of marker-sniffing, 8-legged mutant hitler clones, each with a pet komodo dragon named Sally, and insist on the light being off throughout the lesson, while they spit sunflower seeds at eachother.

 

Did you know you can catch learning disorders? Few do. Be scared. Wash your hands a lot.

 

you could wind up with a class full of snarky,surly,mischief makers,no wait that's YJCC,nevermind.

 

Actually, we're all scheduled to have her as our teacher during fourth period.

Be very afraid.

 

Some of these scenarios actually sound better than some of the places I've worked at.

What do you think they pay alien-invasion drones, anyway?

 

Whatever you do, try to make an impression on the kids, that way you can probably net a book deal, a lecture tour, and a movie on cable television and Blockbuster Video's everywhere!

 

I should bravely get myself fired, so they'll all stand on their desks and say, "O Captain, My Captain." That would be pretty sweet.

Except for the fired part.

 

If it goes awry it'll make a nice Lifetime Movie of the week maybe.

 

My mom works with a middle school special ed. class. It can get pretty bad, trust me.

There was a guy who grabbed every breast and female ass he saw and actually masturbated in public, and there was guy who threw a chair through a wall, and of course there are the sad neglected kids you feel really sorry for...

 

Oh, yeah. All that sounds familiar. I hope I only get an ass-grabber or a chair-thrower, and not both.

Neglected kids are a constant, though.

 

There's always the possibility of your male students stripping down. Or one of them dying as a result of something a court decides you could have prevented.

 

Stuff involving feces could happen. Perhaps you could become the new contributor to Tard-Blog.

 

it could be worse ,could be an ass-thrower and a chair grabber.

 

They could be 28ers... or French.

 

Dear ophi -


I predict it's gonna be just like the last couple of weeks with me, sorting out BB. But every.single.day.


Scared now? I would be!


Love,
Pulsies

xoxox

 

Watch Stanley Kubrick's "Full Metal Jacket" and pay close attention to the first half.

 

You want worse?
I just signed kitty up for your class.

 

Actually, #1 has happened multiple times, if by "stripping down" you mean whipping off as much clothing as possible in preparation for beating the ever-living crap out of someone. I've had beat-downs in my classroom 2 years in a row. It would be nice to avoid that this time.

I haven't been convicted by a jury of my peers yet, though.

Oh--and I've done the feces thing. Before I was certified, I worked as an aide in classrooms for severely multiply impaired kids--which in my state includes adults up to age 26. You just haven't lived until you've changed the diaper of someone who weighs twice what you do.

Pulsies: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Not another first month as a n00b mod!!

 

That would only happen if she falls in love with the charming father of one of her students, marries him, then finds out he had his last five wives killed.