Jokes....

Nicked from tc (who nicked from a website somewhere) from another forum. (Yes I go a wandering sometimes)

PLEASE DON'T ADD ANYTHING BLUE BRICK BASED PLEASE!!!


Emailable funnies (these have been censored for TOS approval)

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
crapping herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a pillock.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "arse, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

 

sorry didnt laugh diffrent sence of humor

 

Genius

 

Not bad. Gave me something to laugh at on a dreary Thursday afternoon.

 

Reminds me of Tim Vines stuff.
I love short jokes.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

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"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

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"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'


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I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

 

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!



A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tommy Cooperisms...
>
>1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
>press the hash key..."
>2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
>The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>find any.
>4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
>too high."
>5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
>in.
>6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
>can't, I've cut your arms off".
>7. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.
>8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
>craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
>and heat it.
>9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
>with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head .
>Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
>sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
>12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
>there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
>look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
>his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
>Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
>13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
>my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
>14. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
>15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
>give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
>go for it.'
>17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
>people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
>dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
>think it's Colin.
>18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the othe

 

These are great!

 

I'd wager they're Tim Vine, not Tommy Cooper (some of those were already posted, but I doubt Tommy Cooper would talk about hash )

 

Some funny, some not.


Hey, I may be fat, but you'll always be ugly, and I can diet.

Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.

Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: NO
Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me...I said, You Look fat in those pants.

Little Sister: Your Ugly.
You: And your quite good looking...for a Gorilla, that is...

Do you notice how I've kept my youthful complexion?
Yeah, so I see...all spotty

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You are going to yours, and I'm going to mine.

Man: So, what's your sign?
Woman: No Entry

Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Woman: Well, please leave me alone.

Friend: I've just come back from the Beauticians
You: Pity it was closed...

Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell

Friend: I've changed my mind...
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better?

Boss: Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...
You: How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...

Brother: Why do you smell funny?
You: It's called Soap - don't think you've ever smelt it before...

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a Female Impersonator.

Man: Hey there, haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Say, haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the head Nurse at the VD clinic.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: You know, you're dead right...I want you to go away!

Wife: Darling, do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older
You: With luck, yes

Work Colleague: Do you find me entertaining?
You: I reckon you are too dim to entertain a thought

Old Wife: Shall I put the TV on? Old Man: Well it would certainly improve the view in here...

You know, I've been asked to get married over a hundreds times.
Yeah, but your parents don't count...

How many people work in your office?
About half of them

Brother: I love biscuits
You: That's cuz your crackers

You: I reckon you'd make a great exchange student.
Friend: Wow, you really think so?
You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.

 

"After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger house. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would Fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, and anywhere in Wales."




* runs *

 

Exceptional

 

Halibut...

http://www.msrc.co.uk/index.cfm?fuseaction=show&pageid=507



Though, doesnt 'Cooperisms' mean the 'kind of' things he might have said? Anyway, who cares... he was a very funny man.

 

"What's brown and sounds like a bell" "Dung" was done by Monty Python before Tommy Cooper

But they are certainly his style

 

This fell into my mailbox a few days ago:

Tony Bliar got in the habit of jogging a couple of miles every evening.
Each time, he would pass a lady of the night who was touting for
business, who would shout "£50" to which he would habitually reply "£5?"
and carry on running.

The one evening, Cherie decided she'd go for a run with him. As he
approached the spot where he normally met the prostitute, he started
worrying about how Cherie would react to what she always shouted. He ran
past her, doing his best not to make eye contact but as he and his
missus passed, she shouted after him, "See what you get for £5!"

 

Hmmm.... prove it! (and that he never said it on stage before Monty Python). Though as I said, its probably just a group of jokes like he would say grouped together.

 

some good ones from the first and second series...

Blackadder Quotes
The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."

The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."

Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."

Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."

The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."

Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"

Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."

Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."

Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."

Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."

Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."

The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."

Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."


Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad l

 

http://users.ox.ac.uk/~peter/humour/cooper.html

(note the 2nd line)

 

Aye- but what about Monty Python? Or has he links with them? Not a die hard fan. Though going on the account of some persons personal website doesnt really sway me either way as personally i dont care who said them. Yer trying to prove stuff to me that i dont care about and plus, as they are not copyrighted or officially documented, then cant be totally proved. Of course comedians lend off each other etc but I couldnt really care if they were called Cooperisms or Vineisms.

 

I don't really care either LOL!

The Pythons said that joke in the Early 60s. Cooper started in the 50s but wasn't REALLY well known til the late 60s/early 70s.

Of course, most of these jokes are so well-known, it's extremely difficult to say who came up with them

 

An American in France

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread,
butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk
on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in
France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

 

Husband Super Store



Recently a 'Husband Super Store' opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the
men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor;
if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the
place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some Husbands:

First floor
The door had a sign saying,
"These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a
job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they
went.


Second floor
The sign read,
"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read,
"These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids
and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.


Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying
"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."



"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us
further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.



Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,"This floor is empty and exists only to prove
that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
hope you fall down the stairs."

 

the thread that just won`t die. read this joke out loud, it works better.


ED ZACHARY DISEASE

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date in quite sometime. Afraid she might have something wrong with her she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr.Wang took one look at her and said, "Okay, take off aw your crows."

She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.

"Now, " said Wang, "get dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me to the other side of room."

Having done that Dr. Wang said, "okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me." Once again she obliged.

Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "okay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease.....worse case I ever see....that why you not have dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your a$$."

 

What kind of key will open any door?

A Pikey!

 

A classic that's even older than I am -

A cheese sandwich walks in to a pub and goes up to the bar, it ask's the bar tender for a pint. The bar tender replies 'I'm sorry we don't serve food in here'.

 

I heard this one today.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It died

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was tied to the first koala

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer Pressure