Nash, TN Late Show with David Letterman Top 10 Lists

OK, I'm stuck at work because we have to keep everybody posted on the severe weather in the area. I'm a little bored, so I thought now might be a good time to start a new feature that I've been wanting to get started for a while. So here goes:

From May 20, 2002:

Top Ten Surprises In The New Star Wars Film

10. Most of the action takes place on Planet Hollywood

9. Jedis interrupting lightsaber battle to change double "A" batteries

8. Jar Jar Binks is shot by enraged Robert Blake

7. Obi-Wan wins the big dirty dancing contest

6. A confused William Shatner keeps showing up looking for Spock

5. Supreme Chancellor passes out after choking on a pretzel

4. "The Force?" -- just a sinus headache

3. All the time C3PO spends bitching about Spider-Man

2. Usual Star Wars opening theme replaced with George Strait's "All My Ex's Live In Texas"

1. Yoda has sex with a pie




More to come...

 

LOL!!!!!!!!

 

This week's Top Ten List is from January 31, 1997, right around the time that the Star Wars Special Edition was released:

Top Ten Surprises in the New Version of Star Wars

10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner

9. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian

8. Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas

7. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy

6. Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin

5. Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money!"

4. Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather

3. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies

2. New scene in which Jabba the Hutt is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons

1. R2D2? Gay

 

2. New scene in which Jabba the Hutt is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons

 

It's that time of the week again! This week's Top Ten List is from May 06, 1999, just before the release of Episode 1. Enjoy!

Top Ten Star Wars' Fans Complaints About The New Movie

10. Lame scene where Ewoks are freed from captivity by Reverend Jesse Jackson.

9. R2-D2 sexier with the implants in.

8. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far away" replaced with "Make me a billionaire, losers."

7. You never find out what the "Matrix" is.

6. When theater lights come back on, you're still a 40-year old virgin.

5. Scene where Millennium Falcon hits an iceberg feels tacked on.

4. There's no glowing hockey guy.

3. Somebody forgot to cut price tags off wookie costumes.

2. Most of special effects budget went toward giving Yoda a realistic looking rash.

1. Media is virtually ignoring its release.

 

Yes, this section was updated Saturday night, but due to a glitch it didn't go to the top of the forums. So enjoy!

 

These are hilarious! Thanks for digging them up!

 

Check back every Saturday night/Sunday morning for another edition!

 

From June 14, 1999:
Top Ten Things People Hate More Than Jar Jar Binks

10. Bleeding profusely from the ears, nose and eyes

9. The thought of a Quayle presidency

8. People who ask, "Workin' hard or hardly workin'?"

7. His wife, Hillary Rodham Binks

6. Finding out Amy Fisher is your new neighbor

5. Having a perfectly good day and then suddenly for no reason thinking of Andy Rooney

4. The Belgians

3. The Secret Word Contest

2. Anyone besides Austin Powers who uses phrase, "Yeah, baby!"

1. Spending eight bucks to watch him

 

Now that one's a keeper.

 

Sorry it's a little late, but here's this week's "Late Show" Top Ten List, from April 06, 1999:

Top Ten Rejected Star Wars Characters
10. Oprah the Winfrey

9. 10-10-321, The Telephone Droid

8. Tae Bo

7. Captain Overhype

6. Ol' Dirty Ewok

5. Bobadan Milosovic

4. R2 Deepak Chopra

3. Sticky, the Talking Piece of Chewing Gum

2. Obi Wan Jacobi and Meyers

1. Star Jones

 

I started something a little different this week: I posted the Top Ten on the main page. I still plan to post them here as well for discussion. Here's goes! From February 21, 1997:

Top Ten Signs You've Seen the `Star Wars' Movies Too Many Times
10. Your poodles are named "C," "3," "P" and "O"

9. You won't sleep with your wife unless she says, "Help me, Obi Wan, you're my only hope"

8. You spent $10,000 trying to Rogaine yourself into Chewbacca

7. You're continually stunned when the President makes major decisions without consulting Mark Hamill

6. Your favorite pickup line: "Would you like to handle my light saber?"

5. You keep referring to your lawn mower as "that crazy droid"

4. You spend most of your days trying to use "the Force" to open a can of pears

3. You once saw an eggplant that looked kind of like Darth Vader and almost had a heart attack

2. Your sex life is strictly "Han Solo," if you know what I mean

1. You like Yoda so much, you voted for Ross Perot

 

I'll add one of my own:

1) Your 30, but your parents still buy all your birthday and Christmas presents at Toys R Us.

 

Hey Toren, that's offensive! No wait. I'm only 29, so that doesn't apply to me.

 

This one's a little out there, but it does include a reference to both Star Wars and Christmas, so I had to go with it.

From November 29, 2001, here are the Top Ten Ways The Recession Has Affected The Company That Makes Bubble Wrap:

10. Fewer bubbles per square yard

9. Bubbles used to contain oxygen -- now cheaper imitation oxygen

8. Due to production delays the 2002 models won't be out until March

7. No more paying for product placement like the big bubble wrap scene in the upcoming "Star Wars" movie

6. Can not afford full-page newspaper ads attacking styrofoam peanuts

5. Bubble wrap no longer shipped in the bubble wrap to prevent damage

4. Switched to lower grade plastic which makes more of a "puh"

3. Now when you're put on hold, you hear top 40 music instead of romantic bubble wrap ballads

2. Employees' Christmas bonus? Bubble wrap

1. During business trips executives must now pay for hookers out of their own pocket

 

7. No more paying for product placement like the big bubble wrap scene in the upcoming "Star Wars" movie


I just got some really strange and disturbing images in my head from that one.

 

After a short hiatus, the Late Show Top Ten List returns!

This week's list is from May 24, 1999, just before the opening of Episode 1:

Top Ten Thoughts On The Minds Of People In Line For Star Wars

10. "Nice of Cher to loan me her Academy Awards outfit."

9. "First in line.... This'll look good on my resume."

8. "The babes should be coming over to talk to me any minute now."

7. "I shouldn't have to wait in this line -- I'm Carrie Fisher."

6. "I sense a disturbance in my hairline."

5. "Is that some sort of image-gathering droid?"

4. "Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia...."

3. "What I want is a prequel to 'Turner and Hooch'."

2. "This line better move soon, or Paul will have to host the show for me."

1. "What a couple of geeks."

 

Dude, where do you work again? Channel 5?

 

I dunno, where do YOU work, dude?

 

This week's installment, from June 8, 1999:

Top Ten Other Lists Kept By The FBI

10. J. Edgar Hoover Dress and High-Heel Sizes

9. Guests Rosie O'Donnell Has Yelled At

8. Chinese Citizens Who Don't Yet Have U.S. Military Secrets

7. Guys Who Use The Phrase "Okey-Dokey"

6. People Who Are Living A Vida That's A Little Too Loca

5. People Under 80 Who Watch CBS Prime Time

4. Disgruntled Star Wars Fans Who Want Jar Jar Binks Beaten To Death

3. Mother-Daughter Stripper Guests Jerry Springer Has Slept With

2. America's Ten Most Undecided

1. Female Agents Who Are Even One-Tenth As Hot As Scully

 

This week's Late Show Top 10 List is from May 12, 1999. Enjoy!

Top Ten Bad Things About Having A Summer Time Share With Darth Vader

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

 

This week's Top Ten has very little to do with Star Wars, but it is fairly recent; January 17 of this year as a matter of fact. I think you guys will like this one...

Top Ten Saddam Hussein Weekend Plans

10. Rake the sand

9. Speak to kids in the "Young Dictators" club

8. Put on Darth Vader mask, fly to Oakland and watch his beloved Raiders

7. Just to be safe, swap mustaches with Tariq Aziz

6. See Meryl Streep in "The Hours" and enjoy a good cry

5. Just kick it old school

4. A whole lot of posing for murals

3. Watch favorite Iraqi television show, "Ahmed Millionaire"

2. Turn on CNN to see if he's dead yet

1. "Hide the plutonium," if you know what I mean

 

I work at Shop At Home. I wasn't trying to offend you or anything. I was just asking.

 

Time for another classic Late Show Top Ten. This week's list is from January 5, 1994:

Top Ten Words That Sound Great When Spoken by James Earl Jones

(cue the breathing)

10. Mellifluous

9. Verisimilitude

8. Guppy

7. Stolichnaya

6. Boutros-Boutros Ghali

5. Neo-Synephrine

4. Pinhead

3. Mujibur and Sirajul

2. Heebie-Jeebies

1. Oprah

 

From February 13, 2001, this list is similar to last week's, but slightly different:

Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Spoken By James Earl Jones

10. "I can't believe it's not butter"

9. "Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear"

8. "J. Lo in the house"

7. "Click here now for the hottest sex sites on the web"

6. "And the Academy Award for best picture goes to -- 'Dude, Where's My Car?'"

5. "You're not fully clean until you're Zestfully clean"

4. "You mean I get all these great funk classics on just one CD or cassette?"

3. "Number three"

2. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow

1. Wassssuppp?