"Maradusa: Mara Jade Satirized"(Contributions Welcome!)

Notice: This thread will be making fun of Mara Jade, and the EU by proxy; I don't feel that most of the posts are very hurtful(Except for one, which was issued a warning by both me and a mod), but if you can't stand overexaggerations of your favorite character/series, this probably isn't the place for you.

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Hey, everyone: this is going to be a series of shorts, all basically unrelated(Though relation to one another is welcome), generally satirizing the generally accepted stereotypes of Mara Jade. I'm not a Mara Jade hater myself, but I see plenty of room to joke around with her. Mara Jade haters are welcome to post their own satirizations. No torturing, as that might get overly violent, but if you can think of a non-overly violent way to torture her, that's fine.

Discussion and criticism of Mara Jade in this thread is welcome.

We'll start off with my parody of what would happen if Mara Jade ended up in Greek Mythology:

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She stood on the pedestal overlooking all of Greece, her red-gold hair flowing in the wind, her beauty shining over all the land. Her graceful form would have stunned any onlookers, if there had been any on a mountain this high. She had a true purpose in life, for she was the greatest of immortals.

True, none had heard of her, but only because she was so silent and subtle in her movements. Whereas Zeus had always transformed himself into oxen or swans in order to mate with mortal women, she actually the good sense to transform into, well, humans, in order to mix with their number. She carried out the missions of her immortal father, Zeus, outdoing any of his other sycophantic, weak kneed lackies.

Athena, sure she got all the credit for being goddess of wisdom, the woman reflected, watching the suns golden rays reflect over the mountains, and most likely naturally enhance her red gold hair. But it was her, the silent, unnoticed God's Hand who truly influenced the decisions of the greatest kings.

Aries had often been called the the bringer of war, the most furious of the Gods, but he was a mere pussycat would compared to the might of this woman. She was a force to be reckoned with, a bringer of chaos that would put Aries to shame. Even better, she was able to bring about larger wars than he ever could with her subtle, intimate touch. His arrogant, overbearing, clumsy hand often failed to bring about even the most obvious conflicts, which was where she, the God's Hand, intervened.

Aphrodite may have been called the Goddess of beauty, but she of the Red Gold hair would make that woman look like a hag. Her hair alone could drive men insane for having glimpsed it.

Truly, she was a force of nature that could outshine any of the Gods, and that was Zeus chose her for all his most important duties, only pretending to be favoring the other Gods.

The Trojan War? That was her.

Midas? Her again.

Oddyseus's journey? Her.

The Golden Fleece? The Argonauts would have never retrieved it without her.

And all the violence and bloodshed that had stemmed from her works was the fault of the other Gods being mean to her when she was a young child.

For she was Mara, Goddess of Everything Good and Pure, with a minor in War, Famine and Chaos.

 

A Mara disliker popping in...

Great job Coota!

LOL! Now why couldn't my Greek and Roman Mythology course be like that?

I will flex my creativity muscles and try to write a parody sometime in the near future...

 

Great stuff, Coota!

 

I think the ratio of the word "red-gold" to the other parts of the text was about equivalent to the average NJO book...

 

Here's a satire by the famous Darth Holliday:

Here's how I think they'll kill off Han, Lando, and the droids in the ultimate, final chapter of NJO--Dark Victory Most Dark. To set the stage--the New Republic will be battling the Vong, of course. Luke will be helpless, whilst the lovely Mara Jade kicks a$$ and takes names all over the galaxy. This is the book that sets the GFFA up to revolve around Mara and Mara alone (a process which was begun some time ago). Approximately 98.32% of the storyline will be devoted to talking about Mara's beautiful hair. Here's the dramatic scene where the deaths of Han, Lando, and the droids are given just the right amount of attention they deserve by the talented and wonderful EU authors:


The beautiful and stunning Mara Jade walked onto the bridge of the immense New Republic cruiser. Her hair was a beautiful golden gold-red reddish gold color. It shone like golden red apples with reddish golden gold goldy gold goldiest gold sheen. Her beautiful hair was so stunning that all the people on the bridge dropped to one knee and cried out with one voice, "We salute you, oh hair of Mara Jade!".

Mara walked over to the glove-compartment of the bridge console and pulled out her shampoo and conditioner--just the right pH balance to maintain her reddish flaming red gold red flame-colored reddish flame-colored golden locks. As she left the bridge on her way to her quarters to take a shower, she winked at a nearby officer. Her emerald green eyes of emerald green emeraldy-greenish color were so intensely emerald green, when coupled with her reddish golden beautiful reddy goldy goldo-redo-golden-red reddish flame-colored flamy flame-gold fire-red hair caused the officer to die from pure ecstacy.

Mara made her way to the quarters. She walked with the sensual walk of a sensuously sensual sense-causing sensomaniacally beautfiful woman. Her brilliant red emerald-green flaming golden beauty caused everyone's head to turn with sheer lust--man, woman, child, alien, droid, and inanimate object alike. RED-GOLD!

She got to her quarters and began slowly, sensually stripping off all of her clothing, while at the same time stroking her long luxuirious reddish golden gold red reddish golden red gold red gold red gold flaming flame-colored fiery flame flamatic reddish-golden hair. Just as she was about to remove her top, she looked out the window of her quarters and saw something--the Millenium Falcon was flying alongside the cruiser. Onboard were Han Solo, Lando Calrissian, C-3P0, and R2-D2. It blew up for some reason. Mara shrugged and went back to stroking her beautiful flame-colored flaming reddish hair of gold-spun fiery rediliciously goldiferous fiery....

 

eeyore I love it! I'm going through the NJO books now, and I'm starting to get a little annoyed at this red-gold yada yada, too. Great post!

 

I'm not hater of Jade, but that DH satire is too funny!

 

I might as well post my Mara Jade/Star Wars/Jane Austen meld/parody. Anyone who has ever read Pride and Prejudice, Emma, or Sense and Sensibility will get this:

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Mother Amidala and I were so excited about the fancy dress ball at the Palpatine's. We had convinced father to let us spend our monthly allowance entirely for dresses, and we were so very happy that the day had finally arrived for the ball. Even Luke, my normally boring brother(though for some reason, many young ladies found him strangely handsome) was excited about the event, for he had heard that a lady by the name of Jade was coming. I had no idea who she was, for I had only seen her in passing up until that night. I had not given her much notice, but apparently the entire county was quite in love with her.

When we arrived, we were quite amazed by the extravagances that Mr. Palpatine had gone through to make the ball a success. I could not wait to begin the dances, for a handsome young man caught my eye almost immediately. It was Col. Solo, of Her Majesty's Army, recently returned from the wars. I had heard he was quite the scoundrel, but very well put up monetarily.

I approached him tenatively, determined to dance with him.

"Oh hello, Colonel Solo, I'm so glad to see you again! I'm amazed you would come to such a provincial gathering."

"Well, Ms. Skywalker, I was convinced by the beauty of the maidens who would be attending."

"Oh, do call me Leia, Colonel Solo! It would gratify me exceptionally if you would dance with me."

"I'd be delighted," he began, but we were interupted when *she* entered.

She was amazingly beautiful, her every feature accentuated by her amazing red gold hair, perfectly placed in every way. Her dark red dress made every feature more noticeable, completely overshadowing me in every way. Every man in the room fell in love with her immediately, but she ignored them all. Finally, she arrived at my brother, whom she flirted and teased to no end. He followed her, dumbstruck, through several dances. I have to admit that I could not keep my eyes off of her, for she was infuriating in the pure gall she had. But noone else seemed to notice. All praised her beauty, her intelligence, her greatness, not mentioning the several men she had already ruined.

I had heard she had married and divorced over seventeen men, taking each of their fortunes for her own. And now she had her eyes set on my brother! Or so I thought.

As she approached me and Colonel Solo, I saw her green eyes settle on my dance partner. I tried to ignore her and began chattering animatedly with my partner, trying to maintain his attention.

Finally, though, she broke away from my brother, almost pushing him out of the way. She came up to us and immediately moved in, ignoring my very existence.

I soon saw just how insiginficant I was compared to her. She just outmatched me in every way. She *was* beautiful and intelligent. It didn't matter that she ruined men! I learned from Winter, my best friend and confidant that the only reason she ruined men is because she had a bad childhood, and Mr. Palpatine often egged her on to do so. I couldn't possibly blame her for that.

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After doing that, I kind of want to do a full scale Star Wars/Jane Austen crossover

 

From a huge P& P fan: Thank you

 

*laughing* This is a fun thread, even though I don't really care about Mara Jade one way or another.

I never imagined Leia being so ... weak! Too bad there aren't any blasters in the Jane Austen universe, because I was clenching my hands to fists and telling Leia to go get one and put this Mara Jade out of our misery forever! Instead, it just seemed like she laid down and let Mara walk all over her. If only there were some way for a sequel for this snippet, with, ah ... Mara Jade being caught in a burning building and Mr. Palpatine risking his very life to rescue her, but returning, horribly burned and blinded and yet with (Hurrah!) empty hands! No, wait, that's Jane Eyre, not Jane Austen.

Um, let's see ... this would only work if Mara hadn't set her eyes on Solo first, though. Mara Jade tries to elope by dragging Luke off with her, but Han Solo goes after them and catches them before they get to that little planet on the border of the Unknown Regions called Gretnagreen. Luke is forever grateful to Col. Solo for his narrow escape, but Mara Jade, angry and bitter, is sent away in disgrace to the nautical planet of Ramsgate to be a spinster forever ...

 

I take it that a Mara Jade satire a la Stephen King would probably fall into the torture venue, huh?

Rats!

 

Mara Jade, the most beautiful and perfect woman in the galaxy, glided into the room, so gracefully she floated a couple of inches about the floor. Her perfect red-gold, gold-red, reddish-gold, goldish-red, red-red-gold-gold hair was perfectly styled around her unlined face and her eyes were the most brilliant, sparkliest, luminousest green you had ever seen. Despite the fact that she was nearly 80, she looked like a sixteen year old, with not a single gray hair, wrinkle, or ounce of fat anywhere, to the point that one wondered if she was really human or a droid like Guri. Or a succubus. Or a vampire.

?Mara!? Anakin ran to his beautiful aunt, knocking and stepping on his weak, trivial mother?s face in the process. No matter, as long as he got to Mara! Species like his mother were unimportant and insignificant compared to the POWER OF MARA.

?Wow, Aunt Mara, you look sooooo hot!? Anakin shamelessly drooled all over the carpet.

Luke, Mara?s lapdog, came in and grinned that his nephew had the hots for Mara. It was so great that incest was in the family! Now it was complete, one big joyful, happy family with everyone worshipping and gushing over the Perfect Jaded One 100% of the time! Mara winked one of her greenish-brilliantish-sparkling-shining green eyes at her husband, and expressed joy through the creepy, 24-7 mind meld Force bond that her nephew had the good taste to get turned on by his aunt.

?Don?t drool on my low-cut, revealing outfit that fits my perfectly proportioned body, Anakin.? Mara said in that breathy, husky voice of hers, seductively swining her red-gold gold-red reddish-gold hair over her shoulder, and winking in his direction.

Anakin grabbed the chair in front of him to control himself. ?Whoa...? he thought. ?Mara is soooo kewl! And brave, and strong, and hot, and the most amazing woman in the universe! Especially more than..What?s her name? Le ? something??

 

Ooh...that story seems to be skirting close to the edge, RedScourge. I do like the description of Mara, and that she's 80! lol.

 

Oops really?

That actually did happen in the books..Anakin got turned on and drooled over Mara.

 

LOL, this is great guys! Mara happens to be one of my favorite Star Wars characters, but I do recognize her faults. These are all hilarious! Keep up the good work!

 

I'm glad this is working out. I think that despite the rampant criticism of Mara in this thread, both haters and lovers will be able to enjoy it equally; humor after all, is the world's great equalizer Hmmm... maybe I'll work on a longer Star Wars/Jane Austen work as a sequel.

 

LOL

Oh geez, that scene of Anakin drooling over Mara was disgusting and quasi-incesteous. She may not be related to him by blood, but she is his aunt, and a good thirty or so years older than him...(we need a puke icon)

Oh LadyPadme, thank you for the compliments, but they actually should go to Darth Holliday - he's the brilliant one!

 

A Day in the Life...

Mara sashayed into the war room one morning, and the track lights caughts the brilliant red-golden highlights in her brilliant, stunning, sheeny-bright, reddish, goldish, reddy-red, goldy-gold hair.

"Ack!" cried a Neimoidian pilot! He fell to the ground moaning.

"Mara!" Luke scolded, his voice dripping with amusement. "I told you not to wear your glorious hair down in here. Now Null Ponte is temporarily blinded!"

"Stuff it, skywalker!"

Luke enveloped her with love.

After the dull meeting, Mara snapped at the waiters in the commissary and whined over every little thing, reminding anyone who would listen, that things like this would *never* be tolerated in the Imperial Palace.
A waitress spilt water on Mara "on accident", and the red-gold goddess stormed to her room. Luke tried to envelop her with love on the way out, but he missed and hit a Devoronian instead, and the creature spent the rest of the day trying to get to Luke better.

Meanwhile Mara looked at her sleeping plaything, that is, her son Ben. Her heart filled with tenderness at the thought of her dazzling hair color being passed on. Ben's soft fuzz was mainly golden but there was already a hint of reddy, reddish, flame-red highlights in it. His eyes were an ash grey. She reflected that that idiot Vader probably had grey eyes. Mara pursed her lips. It was a pity that Luke was the son of such an evil monster, who served Palpatine (who taught Vader everything he knew), and was sooooo evil. Nothing like when she lovingly killed for Palpatine. That was different because, well, just because. She hated Vader because, well, just because. He was the head honcho, and she wasn't, even she was ten times more deserving than him, of the position he had. She did more for the Empire than Vader ever had! And she wasn't a sleazy Darksider like Vader was, or her adored worshipped loved Emperor was. Okay well, Palpatine was a Sith too, but that was different! Why couldn't people understand that??!!?? Palpatine was her family, Vader was just an inhuman monster!

Mara felt Luke's gentle mindprobe and he asked her why she was angry and upset. She sent back the thought, Bite me, Skywalker! She felt Luke envelop her with love.

Ben woke up and started to cry. She snuggled him near and he puked on her lovely, creamy shoulder. "Drat! You probably inherited that from your idiot grandfather! Awww.. It's okay."

Well, that was more like two hours in the life of, and that's about all I can stand.......

 

*applauds wildly*

Ah, we're lucky to have so many talented authors that hate Mara Jade...

Oh Jedi Angel I think you can put Steven King, as long as it is not graphically gruesome and violent. He's more horror than gruesome violence, is he not?

And Coota please do a Jane Austen/Star Wars crossover. Please

 

I take it that a Mara Jade satire a la Stephen King would probably fall into the torture venue, huh?

It depends on which part of King you're spoofing. I wouldn't do one of those It-kids in the sewer scenes (though Mara as Bev could be hilarious... hmmm... I may do one of those, with a different scene...), but Mara on the road to the Dark Tower? Or Mara in Carrie? (Someone dropped blood on the chick up on stage, and things started flying around, but no one noticed, because all eyes were focused on the red-gold...)

Why not? Not everything he does is pornographically violent!

 

Okay. I have my usual case of insomnia and "Coming Home" isn't getting there tonight. So I'll see what I can write in a Stephen King-ish vein, since I now have it on the brain.

(Hope I'm not stepping on your toes, Jedi-Angel... there's plenty of King left to spoof if you want...)

By the Field of Roses

Jake finally got the fire started. It took him awhile, because he couldn't seem to stop staring at their new

(red-gold goddess)

companion. Mara of Gilead had found them two wheels short of the Dark Tower, jumping into the fight with the trolls who would have killed them all, saving Roland from a stray bullet and blocking a knife someone had thrown at Jake. He hadn't even seen it, but she'd caught it like a Red Sox player picking up a slow ball thrown by a Little League player.

Now they all sat across the fire from her, mesmerized by the way her red-gold hair looked exactly like the beautiful flames jumping into the night.

"You've come from Gilead," Roland observed. "And yet, I don't remember you. Gilead is no more--you must be nearly my age. Yet you seem still to be young."

"You oughtta bottle that, sugar," Susannah Dean said, curling into Eddie's arms. Eddie didn't notice. He was paying attention only to Mara. After a moment, Jake's attention left them as well. They just didn't seem interesting anymore.

"Yes, I am from Gilead," Mara said. "I was not... visible. I worked behind the scenes."

"Scenes?" Roland asked, fascinated.

"Yes. I took care of problems the gunslingers missed..."

"We missed very few."

"How would you know, as I repaired them?" She smirked. "You always were the arrogant one. You don't know anything about how to defend Gilead."

"Of course," Roland said. "I realize that. You must know a great deal more than I do, else your beautiful red-gold hair would now be snow white."

"Yes," Mara agreed. "I know a great deal. I was employed by someone high in the court. Walter, in fact."

"The man in black?" Eddie asked. "Interesting."

"He taught me a lot of magic, and I... took care of a great deal of business for him."

Jake frowned. "I thought he was the bad guy."

"I suppose he may have been. He taught me a great deal. I've reconsidered. It was another of my peronsonalties that worked for him."

Susannah sat up, smiling widely. "You had multiple personality disorder, too? I had two women inside me before Roland merged me into a single being."

"I had six," Mara said. "I still have them, actually, though I can merge them myself at will, in any combinations I choose. I lost both my legs at the hip once, but I restored them by magic. And I married someone who was addicted to devil grass."

"Wow," Eddie said. "I'm impressed. Suze, we don't have anything on her."

"You're really pretty," Jake said. "I think I saw your face once before."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I saw the whole universe inside a rose once. Only I think it looked just like your face."

"You never know," Mara said. "Anyway, we should get some sleep before we storm the Tower tomorrow."

"Right," Roland said.

Mara tucked all of them in and sang them to sleep.

When they awoke in the morning, Jake noted how beautiful she looked in the golden light of morning as it caught the gold in her red-gold hair. He looked up to see the Tower in the daylight for the first time, then tore his eyes away from Mara long enough to get a glimpse of Roland.

Roland, shockingly, was not looking at the Tower. Instead, he was looking at Mara, like the rest of them. Before him lay the culmination of the quest that had driven his whole life... the taking of the tower and the defeat of the Crimson King.

(the crimson king... to be defeated by the red-gold goddess!)

Jake understood suddenly, and touched Roland's arm. Roland nodded his own understanding.

"You go ahead," he told Mara. "We'll wait here."

 

JG, we need one of those 'puck' smilies over here!!!!! ACKKKKKKKK!!!

 

LOL! Nice job!

 

Great job, Coota and JG!