Before - Legends Mist (Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon fanfic)

Mist
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon find them selves in some trouble, and the race of their lives.
Of Course GL owns all the characters and stuff, I am just expanding them.


Obi-Wan sat cross legged in his room. He he?d had a long day. He took in a deep breath and stood up walking to the bed. ?The mission was a success, I hope Qui-Gon is pleased?. He said laying his light saber on the stand next to him. He was staying in a hotel like place with many people. Him and Qui-Gon each got separate rooms. He almost enjoyed being alone for once. Yesterday the team accepted a mission and had only moments ago finished. ?Rest will be nice? he said turning off his lights and crawling into his bed. Moments later Qui-Gon opened Obi-Wan?s door with his pass key to check on the boy. He stared at him for a moment and noticed his tired face, he could tell the boy was ready for a good nights sleep, he then started to lock the door back. ?Good night, my young friend?. Qui-Gon turned and headed for his room a couple of doors down the hall. Obi-Wan was still awake when Qui-Gon came. He had only pretended to be sleeping. ?Good night?? Obi-wan then dozed off falling into a world of darkness
Qui-Gon pushed in his pass card and waited for the okay signal. A red light flashed and it slid open. Just before he stepped in he heard a blaster shot fire at the end of the hall, he quickly turned around to look while putting one hand on his light saber. He seen a male rodian in a puddle of blood. Towering above him was another male, only it was a human. ?You will learn to watch your mouth? said the human kicking the already dead body in the side. Qui-Gon slowly approached the man. ?what do you want? The man snarled raising his fists to Qui-Gon. ?Think about this my friend? Qui-Gon said staring him dead in the eye. The man quickly drew his blaster to fire at the jedI, but his quickness was nothing to Qui-Gon. Within an instant The man was on the ground next to his victim. ?I will see to your wounds? Qui-Gon said knelling down to the wounded man. ?Ha?? the man laughed finishing himself off by firing another shot at his heart.
Four guards came rushing up the stair case. They had heard the blaster shots. When they arrived they seen Qui-Gon standing above the two dead bodies with his light saber still activated. ?put down your weapon sir, you are under arrest? a guard screamed observing this. ?no it?s not what you think? Qui-Gon started but the guard aimed his gun at Qui-Gons head. He did not wish to cause any trouble and deactivated his light saber . Five more guards came running up and they surrounded the jedI taking his weapon and binding his hands. Qui-Gon was then led to a high facility prison and locked up. He would have a trial in a week.
Obi-Wan was awoken in the mourning by a call on his comlink, it was Yoda. ?Obi-Wan?responding Qui-Gon is not, check on him you must? . Obi-Wan groaned and got up grabbing his light saber and started towards Qui-Gons room. The room was empty. ?he is not here master Yoda? Obi-Wan responded worried. ?unfortunate this is, Qui-Gon missing , and another mission you have?. Yoda told Obi how important this mission was. They had three days to find a drug lord. He was very dangerous and had been wanted for some time now. It could only be done My Obi and is master because the drug lord was leaving the planet in three days, they were the only ones who could get him in time before he headed to space and we lost him. Obi-Wan was beginning to get worried about this now. He had to find his master and he had to find him fast.

Please tell me my ups and downs and what you thank of it, thanks guys.

 

I think you've got some ideas flowing but you really need to work on general grammer and paragraphs.
I don't know what other readers opinions are on this but I feel you just have too much happening here.
Try breaking it down and expanding on some areas with more detail.
See if you can get a beta reader to go over your work.
Your english teacher would be a good person to help you with this.
Keep working with it and you should be able to get a good fan fic rolling.

 

I agree with Darkarna.

The story line is interesting so far, but the small gramatical errors and having it all shoved into a few long paragrahs distract from the storyline and make it hard to keep your place.

Still, I would encourage you to continue the story. Writing that flows comfortably will come with practice, and I am curious as to what happens next.

Hope to see another post from you soon.

 

Okay thanks guys, I was kinda lacking on my grammer I suppose, how am I supposed to bete read it though?

 

A few editing helpers?

? Consulting a grammar handbook.
? Observing the writing of those who complain. (Formatting in particular, at the moment.)
? Reading over your story aloud. (Sounds silly, but helps lots, particularly when you have an audience who follows along on the page. I've done it.)
? Having a friend proofread or asking someone you know (say, on the boards) to beta-read. A beta-reader's an editor, really.

I noticed your question and thought I'd respond. (I tend to read reviews first.) I know how nice it is to get quick ones on stuff like this.