St. Lou, MO NON Non-STAR WARS Humor

Here's one I got that IS about SW. I know it's old but I just got it today.

Dark Side of the Sun Screen

James Earl Jones is Vassar College's Commencement speaker for this year. Oddly, this event coincides with the release of the much awaited "Phantom Menace" and the unexpected popularity of Baz Luhrmann's "Sunscreen Song" (which, if you have had your head under a rock, is a spoken graduation address set to music that is constantly playing on many radio stations).
And so, I can only wonder what would Mr. Jones' address be like....***

Everybody's Free


Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...embrace the Dark Side. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been proven by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering cruelty and conquests.

I will dispense this advice now...

> > > >Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, nevermind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.

> > > >Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on
some idle Tuesday.

> > > >Do in one Death Star officer every day.

> > > >Scheme.

> > > >Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours.

> > > >Hate.

> > > >Don't waste your time on stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn.

> > > >The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot son.

> > > >Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

> > > >Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.

> > > >Destroy.

> > > >Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side. The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at age 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.

> > > >Have plenty of minions.

> > > >Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.

> > > >Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.

> > > >Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is half chance. So is everybody else's.

> > > >Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.

> > > >Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.

> > > >Listen to what the Emperor has forseen, even if you don't follow his prophecies.

> > > >Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.

> > > >Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your arch-enemies.

> > > >Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.

> > > >Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to

 

OK, this is ancient, but some of them still make me laugh.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if ...

1) You've ever heard the phrase, "May the Force be with y'all".
2) Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
3) You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
4) At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
5) You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
6) You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
7) The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
8) Wookies are offended by your BO.
9) You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
10) You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
11) Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, boy, come on over to the dark side ...it'll be a hoot".
12) You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
13) You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
14) You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
15) You have the canopy of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
16) Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt feller had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
17) You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
18) You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
19) You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
20) If you hear: "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle."

 

I have compiled the ultimate list of redneck jedi jokes..... So far I have about 75...

You might be a Redneck Jedi If:
1. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

2. You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel?s.

3. You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

5. There is a blaster rack in the back window of your landspeeder.

6. You have Bantha horns on the hood of your landspeeder.

7. You can easily describe the taste of ewok? without the use of the word chicken.

8. Thet Yoda fella talks hisself educated pretty good you think, yup?

9. You think Stormtroopers are just KKK with really kick-ass sheets.

10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

11. You can levitate yourself from a force within, but not THE Force.

12. Your master ever said ?My finger you will now pull ?. Hmmm?

13. You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.

14. You ever lost a hand in a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.

15. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is them dadgum skeeters.

16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

17. You have ever used the Force to get yourself another bee so you didn?t have to wait for a commercial.

18. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing, bowling and/or ?possum hunting.

19. You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish, skin game, whittle a toothpick and/or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

20. Your father has ever said to you, ?Shoot son, come over t? the Dark Side ? it?ll be a hoot.?

21. You have ever had your R2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the BBQ grill to light.

22. The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the ewoks can?t find it.

23. You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.

24. You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

25. The number of blasters or lightsaber you own exceeds your I.Q.

26. You just don?t understand why Luke and Leia would give it up on getting hitched, or at least a few practice sessions.

27. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

28. Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

29. You don?t like wearing a Jedi robe because it hinders access to the dip in your back pocket.

30. Sand People back down from your mama.

31. You?ve ever tried to use Jedi mind control, unsuccessfully, to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

32. You?ve ever strangled someone with the force because they made fun of your accent.

33. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

34. You?ve ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights.

35. A Wookie has ever commented that you could use a shave, but was afraid to say it to you face.

36. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

37. You don?t think ewoks are primitive.

38. You think the AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

39. You don?t think Jabba?s pig guards have a hygiene problem.

40. The Rancor monster lost its lunch after getting a good whiff of you.

41. More than half the droids you own don?t function.

42. That Jabba fella had the right idea of how to keep Princess Leia in line.

43. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

44. You suggested they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

45. You and your Jedi buddies use the phrase ?May the force be with y?all.?

46. You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

47. You welded the doors of your X-Wing shut specifically so you?d have to get in through the window.

48. If you hear the phrase ?Luke, I am your father?and your uncle?and??

49. Your Rebel Hideout was manufactured by Trasco Mobile Homes.

50. You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel 'cause he looks kinda sissy in that vest.

51. You have accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as, "them damn Yankees!"

52. You have ever been in lo