Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon - The Battle for M'thir...

Here's my new Obi-Wan story, please tell me your comments about it
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Prologue - Coruscant
In the cold vacuum of Republic Space transports sped through hyperspace to their destinations, the jewel of the New Republic, Coruscant, glowed with a pale blue hue from it's neighbouring star. The planet was broken up with lines of city lines, completely covering the service of the planet. High in the atmosphere taxi's and other small vehicles sped over and through the tops of the high-rise buildings. These building rose thousands of feet from the ground, and housed thousands of occupants at a time, some never putting their feet on the natural ground of Coruscant in their lives. The sun had been up for ages, but was only just appearing above the buildings. Jedi Master Qui-Gon and his young Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi stood, silently watching this awe-inspiring sight. A small air platfrom approached them, the shield that prevented any occupants of this vehicle from falling into the deep darkness of Coruscant's natural ground lowered. The two Jedi stepped onto the transport.
"Good morning Sir's, what will be your destination" said the tall metaalic droid who piloted the platform, light shone off the silver coated droid and nearly blinded Obi-Wan. The droid's head swiveled left to right as it studied the two Jedi, the lights in it's eyes flickering slightly....
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Part II coming soon, comments?

 

Beautiful description of Corusant (or however you spell it, you know what I mean). More, please!

imzadi

 

Here's more
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"The Jedi Council spires." Qui-Gon said to the droid.
"Im sorry sir, no-one can go there without a permit pass." replied the droid
Obi-Wan's eyes widened, and he nearly jumped at the droid.
"Don't you know who we are!" shouted Obi-Wan as he stepped closer to the droid, his hand gesturing himself and his master as he spoke. Qui-Gon put his hand in front of his Padawan so he did not go any further.
"No sorry Sir, I don't. You can not board this platform to the Jedi Council without a permit, but there are other locations to visit, why not go on the Senate tour or visit..."
Obi-Wan interrupted the droid in mid-sentence, as his anger grew and his face redened.
"But we don't!..."
Again Qui-Gon raised his hand in front of his Padawan.
"Here are our passes," said Qui-Gon "They are fully permitted I assure you."
The droid took the two cards and placed slid them throught the card reader to his right. The lights flashed green, and text scrolled up on the readout. Qui-Gon could not make it out.
"Thank You, Jedi Master Qui-Gon and Jedi Obi-Wan, please step further into the tansport."
Both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan stepped into the middle of the transport, the shield rose to the waist height of Qui-Gon. Then the air paltfrom started to move off to its destination...
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Part III coming soon, comments?

 

Is anyone reading this?

 

Good beginning, and I love the Coruscant description, and the droid is funny.

 

Does anyone want anymore?

 

Yes please. Very interesting description of Coruscant in the first paragraph.

 

Here's some more
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Transports sped around the platfrom, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan sore numerous different alien races on the other platforms. In the distance Qui-Gon spotted the 4 spires in a quadrilateral formation, with a taller, bigger spire in the centre of these. The platform did not slow as in neared the nearest spire, Obi-Wan shot Qui-Gon a glance, Qui-Gon turned to face the droid pilot, who was completely oblivious to this. Obi-Wan was about to shout, when the pilot moved hard to the left, missing the spire by only metre's. Obi-Wan lost his balance and toppled to the floor. Qui-Gon helped him up. The platform slowed as it reached the main spire and docked with it. The shield again lowered, and both Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stepped off.
"Thank You for riding an air platform, the safest, easiest means of transport on Coruscant."
//Droids// Obi-Wan thought. //Programmed with advertisements//.
The shield again rose away and the platform faded into the distance, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan watched the platfrom go, and walked through the door into the main reception area of the Jedi Council.
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Part IV coming soon, comments?

 

Comments anyone, if anyone is reading this?

 

Please tell me what you think..

 

Interesting so far. Love the droids!!!! I am curious as to how old Obi-Wan is in this???

I hope we see more soon!

 

Obi-Wan is 18, but the story also features when he was 14 as well.

 

Anyone want any more?

 

Thanks for the info on Obi and YES I WANT MORE!!!!

Remember weekends can be slow on the forum sometimes so don't worry if you don't get much feedback right away!

 

here's more
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The room was small, as not many people had access to the Jedi Council, only Jedi and other high ranking officials. The reception was overlooked by a red droid in the corner. The two Jedi looked up from his computer terminal and recognized them.
"Welcome Master Qui-Gon, and Padawan Obi-Wan, Master Yoda has requested your presence in the Council room immediately." said the droid as he indicated the door marking the entrance to the Jedi Council. Obi-Wan threw a glance at Qui-Gon, Qui-gon nodded and they stepped through the door.
The Jedi Council was not complete today, with two Jedi Masters, Yarael Poof and Depa Billaba on a mission to settle conflict on a Republic world near the Outer Rim. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan bowed to the Council.
"Greetings Master Qui-Gon, I trust you and you Padawan are well." asked Jedi Master Yoda.
"Yes Master Yoda." replied Qui-Gon.
Mace Windu began "We have asked you here under the gravest of circumstances," Jedi Master Windu paused as a large transport flew passed the window of the Jedi Council, "A Worls passed the Outer Rim called M'thir has asked for assistance from the Republic, a large group of leaders have been overthrown, because of this a Civil War has broken out, and a large number of rebels have taken control of the Capital, we want you and your Padawan do try to negotiate with the leader..."
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Part V coming soon.

 

oops, ignore the bit where I put 'New Republic' it is just supposed to be 'Republic' as they were not called 'New' back before ep1.

 

What do you think?

 

I hate to disturb you.......BUT IS ANYONE READING THIS!!!!

 

Should I bother....

 

Well, i am reading this, and i must say, it is very well done. I think you need to give more insight and description into how Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are thinking at certain times. My english teacher always told me to write as if i possessed the 3 O's: Ominipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence. makes story writing much easier.
keep up the good work.

 

Hey post more please!

 

Sorry, Can't post right now, I'll post later this afternoon

 

Interesting descriptions. I thought it was funny about the droid who almost missed the tower. Say, how about another post?

 

Thanks for the comments guy's and gal's. I'll try to get more of my story on as soon as possible.

 

I love the story so far post more.