Premiership Square.

It's a soap opera. With Premiership stars as the err... stars.

...

You get the idea.

... ... ... begin ... ... ...

Andy Johnson and James Beattie are shopping in their favourite store, Beckham's Boutique, at RICHARDSON'S SHOPPING CENTRE (FORMERLY MALL). Suddenly, Gary Neville appears from nowhere.

Gary Neville: What do you want, you scouse ********? Wanna buy something? This?

He picks something up at random from a nearby shelf.

Gary Neville: It's cheap, like all your kind.

Andy Johnson: Oh, we're just browsing.

Gary Neville freezes, and looks at Andy Johnson.

Gary Neville: Andy, say 'You know'.

Andy Johnson looks confused, but acquiecses.

Andy Johnson: You know.

Gary Neville: Oh my! Now say, 'You know, like'

Andy Johnson: 'You know, like'.

Gary Neville: 'Oh Victoria!'

Andy Johnson: 'Oh... Victoria!'

James Beattie: C'mon AJ, let's get you back to my place.

Gary Neville: No! Andy, you sound like Becks. Listening to you eases my pain a little...

James Beattie: What are you talking about Gazza Nezza? You trying to woo my mate AJ? He's not interested in you, you ain't gonna score today.

Gary Neville: Listen you ******* ******, talk of scoring coming from you makes me laugh. AJ, keep talking, and I'll kit you out in gear that reminds me of David, beloved David.

James Beattie: AJ, you can't!

Andy Johnson: Oh, Gary. Do you think I can really replace him?

Gary Neville: Sure. Ooo! You make me go all funny!

Suddenly, Gary Neville and Andy Johnson run off together, leaving James Beattie alone with his thoughts.

James Beattie's Thoughts: I can score... can't I?!?!?!

Suddenly, Jose Mourinho enters.

...

What will happen next?

 

JM: James, what is the problem?

JB: AJ has taken up with Gary Neville. Why didn't I see it before? Gary must have sent Phil to Everton in order to find out AJ's likes and dislikes, as well has to put a wedge between us.

And I can't score.

JM: James, I see talent...in you. Let us go for lunch at a restaurant...and I will discuss..you future.

JB: *sob* Okay.

JB and JM go to the a hotel restaurant next to RICHARDSON'S SHOPPING CENTRE (FORMERLY MALL) ---> Inn on the Ji-Sung Park

JM: James...I have only this to say....you need to move to London to further your career.

JB: No fooling?

JM:Do I look like fool to you? Football is serious business.

JB: No way Jose. You are the Special One.

JM: I know this well.

JB: I'm not going to be riding the bench as much as SWP though, am I?

JM: No, no. You will be starter. I will build my team around you.

JB: Where do I sign?!

JM: We will get lawyers to write up a contract tonight.

JB: *screams to room* I'M GOING TO PLAY FOR CHELSEA!!!

JM: Chelsea? ha ha No. You misunderstand. You are to play on my son's team. I coach it. We will forage a birth certificate for you.

JB: But...but...but...but...

JM: Ah, yes. Nicky Butt has already signed.

JB: *sobs uncontrollably and runs out of restaurant and straight into Robbie Fowler*

...

 

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE

It is January 2006. Robbie Fowler waits outside Anfield.

Robbie Fowler: RAFA! RAFA! Let me in!!!!!! Won't you please let me in!!!!!

Robbie bangs repeatedly on the door. Finally, it opens. It is Rafael Benitez.

Rafael Benitez: Look Robbie I love you and all but you are no good enou.

Robbie Fowler: I am! I am!

Rafael Benitez: Okay okay. If... you can 'core a five minute hat-trick befo the turn of the year you will have convin me.

~montage of Robbie Fowler not scoring five minute hat-tricks, but mostly sitting on the bench, or in the stands~

It is late-November 2006. Robbie Fowler is sitting on the bench, or in the stands. Rafael Benitez approaches him.

Rafael Benitez: Robbie, Robbie, Robbie. I have... not sin any five minute hat-tricks since Anuary.

Robbie Fowler: Don't worry Gaffer, there's one coming on Saturday. However now I must go the the Shopping Centre.

Rafael Benitez: Es you mus go to the Mall.

Robbie Fowler: Shopping Centre.

Robbie exits. Rafael Benitez dials Steven Gerrard on his mobile.

Steven Gerrard's Voice: Yes.

Rafael Benitez: You a grea players Steven.

Steven Gerrard's Voice: I know boss. I think I'm better than that actually.

Rafael Benitez: Es, you are so right!

Steven Gerrard's Voice: Yes I'm right.

Rafael Benitez laughs uncontrollably.

Rafael Benitez: Ha! Ha! Yes Steven! You alway right!

Steven Gerrard hangs up.

...

Robbie Fowler is browsing shop windows in the Shopping Centre, Mall, Centre, Mall, Centre.

Robbie Fowler's Thoughts: I need to find a great striker who can pose as me for Liverpool's next match. If I don't score a five minute hat-trick, then I'll be (back) on football's scrapheap. I need a sign.

Suddenly, Robbie Fowler hears an impassioned cry from the near-middle-distance.

Impassioned Cry from the Near-Middle-Distance: I'M GOING TO PLAY FOR CHELSEA!!!

Then some sobbing, and Robbie Fowler is hit square in the chest by James Beattie.

James Beattie: Oh, sorry about that Robbie mate. I've just been hoodwinked by The Special One.

Robbie Fowler: Steve McManaman?

James Beattie: Err... no, Jose.

Robbie Fowler: Oh, yeah. That Special One. Of... course.

They dust each other down.

Robbie Fowler: Anyway James, do you fancy taking part in a cunning plan?

James Beattie: Go on...

Robbie Fowler: Well... have you ever fancied playing for... ... ... LIVERPOOL!!!

Pause.

James Beattie: Tell me more, because the answer is yes. Playing for Liverpool has always been my... ... ... SECRET DESIRE!!!

Dun, dun, duuhhhhh!!!!

 

Robbie Fowler: Yeah, well...that's every Everton players desire. Me whole family's Everton supporters and I went to play for Liverpool so that tells you something.

James Beattie: So what's this plan?

Robbie Fowler: Well it's simple really. You're going to put on my kit and score a 5 minute hat-trick in the next Liverpool match.

James Beattie: A 5 minute hat-trick!!! Are you crazy?!

Robbie Fowler: You're the only one who can do it, mate. Me career at Liverpool is in your hands. I promised Rafa a 5 minute hat-trick and if I don't deliver, I'm done for.

James Beattie: But I don't even look like you?

Robbie Fowler: Don't worry. I've got it all worked out. You'll wear one of those white stripes on your nose like I used to. It's like Superman's glasses. No one will catch on. But just to be safe, after the 3rd goal do my line sniffing bit.

James Beattie: What's in it for me?

Robbie Fowler: I'm letting you....letting you...score my 5 minute hat-trick...my 5 minute hat-trick And you get to run out for Liverpool.

James Beattie: Point taken.

Robbie Fowler: Okay, meet me at my house at 10am on game day and I'll get you into Anfield.

James Beattie: Thanks Robbie.

Robbie Fowler: *and if he doesn't score I'll just say he hit me over the head and stole my uniform and tied me up*

No problem, James. I just need to go see about some of my properties now. Bye.

James Beattie: *Liverpool!!! Finally my time has come. Oh...what do I do about the Everton game that day? They'll need me on the bench*

As he is walking Beattie bumps right into David Moyes

James Beattie: Oh...hiya Boss....

 

So this is where we are:

Andy Johnson has run off with Gary Neville.

Jose Mourinho is trying to scam a schools' football league by recruiting Premiership players and faking birth certificates.

Rafael Benitez is making crank calls to Steven Gerrard.

Robbie Fowler needs to save his future at Anfield, and is going to get James Beattie to pretend to be him during Liverpool's next match.

James Beattie has double-booked himself.

 

I just got the always right bit.

 

You guys are hilarious, keep this up, it's very entertaining.

 

Andy Johnson and Gary Neville walk through the parking lot of RICHARDSON'S SHOPPING CENTRE (FORMERLY MALL). As they approach Neville's car he throws AJ the keys and says

Gary Neville: You drive.

Andy Johnson: Okay.

They get in the car

Gary Neville: Say, 'Don't scuff me lewer.'

Andy Johnson: Don't scuff me lewer.

Gary Neville: Oh god.

Andy Johnson: Where to?

Gary Neville: My place.

Gives AJ directions. Neville puts on some Backstreet Boys.


Gary Neville: ****ing love these guys.

Andy Johnson: I had you down as an 'N Sync type of guy.

Gary Neville: Are you taking the ****ing piss! They're ****! Absolute ****!

Andy Johnson: Well Phil always blasts them in the dressing room before the games.

Gary Neville: Phil's ****!

While driving they notice a bunch of kids (10-12 years old or so) playing a pickup game of football in a park.

Gary Neville: Pull over. I want to watch for a bit.

Andy Johnson: Okay.

A number of kids on the one team have on Manchester United shirts. After watching for about 10 minutes one of the kids in a Man U shirt races down the left wing, cuts in, and unleashes a thunderous drive that beats the goalie at the near tree. Neville rips open his dress shirt to reveal his uniform top. Sprinting onto the field of play, he races over to one of the members of the team who has just conceded, and proceeds to gesture wildly at the Red Devils crest on his shirt.

Gary Neville: You're **** you little ****! What have you won?! I've won the league more times that you can count! F.A.Cup too! Not to mention the ****ing European Cup! You're ****! ****!

After finishing his celebration, Neville returns to where AJ has been waiting


Gary Neville: Let's go, Becks.

Andy Johnson: A J.

Gary Neville: Oh...yeah. AJ.

When they get to Neville's house the open the front door and are greeted by none other than...

 

James Beattie is pacing up and down the corridors of Goodison Park.

James Beattie's Thoughts: I need to get someone to pretend to be me and play for Everton, otherwise I won't get to play for Liverpool. Where are Everton playing this weekend?

Suddenly, Phil Neville rounds the corner.

Phil Neville: Alright Beats?

James Beattie: Err... no, actually. Do you know where we're playing this weekend?

Phil Neville: Yeah of course, we're at Old Trafford mate. You gonne score a goal then?

James Beattie: ... yeees.

Phil Neville smiles and walks off.

James Beattie's Thoughts: So... Everton are playing at Manchester United this weekend... that gives me an idea...

James Beattie walks off smiling to himself.

...

It is very early on matchday, and James Beattie stands outside Old Trafford. The morning fog has yet to clear. Suddenly a pair of headlights swerve into view and Beattie shields his eyes. A figure steps out of the car and walks up to the Everton striker.

James Beattie: You came.

Wayne Rooney: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh, ya know of course I came. You made me an offer I couldn't refuse, like. Play for Everton again, pretending to be you, against my current club like. Foolproof like, you know, gold.

James Beattie: That's right. You have to pretend for be me, here, whilst I'm pretending to be Robbie Fowler, over at Anfield.

Wayne Rooney: Ehhhhhhhh, what, that ********?

James Beattie: Look, you'll be in different cities. You don't have to go anywhere near Robbie Fowler.

Wayne Rooney: Too right, like. I'd **** im one, too, like.

James Beattie: I must go now.

Beattie hands Rooney a parcel.

James Beattie: In there you will find all you need to pose as me.

Wayne Rooney: Sweet, like. You know, Colleen'll be chuffed, like. What did you tell Moysie?

James Beattie: I was cool as a. I said was going to turn up as usual. You'll be expected to arrive here at 1330hrs in the Everton team coach with the rest of the squad. Just make sure you use everything in the parcel, and all will be well.

Wayne Rooney: Sound, like. I'll beh off then.

The two men part company. Never has such a fiendish plot been devised.

...

Meanwhile, in Madrid, David Beckham is having a nightmare.

Sven-Göran Eriksson's Voice: Jesss... we must... practice some more... Waiynerooneyy.

Beckham stirs in his sleep. Victoria doesn't.

Sven-Göran Eriksson's Voice: Iy am... werydisppoint-ted. We should win de Worldcup.

David Beckham: Sven. Sven. Thou hast forsaken me Sven.

Beckham wakes, and sits bolt upright. Victoria remains asleep.

David Beckham: Sven.

David scrambles for his mobile phone, and hits Speed Dial 1.

Sven-Göran Eriksson's Voice: Jess?

David Beckham: Svenny. It's me, David.

Sven-Göran Eriksson's Voice: Oh, David hellothere. How... areyou?

Victoria finally stirs.

Victoria Beckham: David, are you talking to another woman?

David Beckham: No, no, don't be silly Victoria. Go back to sleep.

She does.

Sven-Göran Eriksson's Voice: David I am... glab you donot think of me that way. Wecannot.. yet carried away.

David Beckham: Sven, I have a feeling something is happening in the Premiership Square.

Sven-Göran Eriksson's Voice: What... do you men?

David Beckham: I dunno, you know, you know, I... I tried to phone Gary Neville last night and his mobile was switched off. What should I do?

Sven-Göran Eriksson's Voice: David you must go now, go to Manchester, and resolve this onceandforall.

David puts the phone down and gets out of bed.

...

So this is where we are:

Andy Johnson has run off with Gary Neville. They may or may not have spent the night in each other's company.

Jose Mourinho is trying to scam a s

 

When they get to Neville's house they open the front door and are greeted by none other than...Rio Ferdinand

Rio Ferdinand: YOU'VE BEEN MURKED, SON!!! hahahahaha hahahahaha hahahahahahahahahaha I'm soooo funny mate. MURKED!!! ahahaahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Andy Johnson: But the World Cup is over? And I didn't even go? What the hell is going on?

Rio Ferdinand: MURKED!!! ahahahahahahaha I'm too funny, son!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!! Did you see your face!?!? Did you!?!? Priceless!! MURKED!!!!

Andy Johnson: Is that true Gary?

Gary Neville: I'm afraid so. *winks at AJ when Rio isn't looking and shakes head slightly*

Rio Ferdinand: MURKED!!! hahahahahahhahahahahaahahahaha

Gary Neville: Why don't you go edit it together, Rio.

Rio Ferdinand: *Rio heads for the door* MURKED! MURKED!!!! MURKED!!! hahahaahahhahahaah *closes the door behind him*

Andy Johnson: So was this just a joke to you?

Gary Neville: Honestly...at first...yeah. But when you said, 'Don't scuff me lewer', you captured me heart, you did.

Andy Johnson: Oh, Gary...

Gary Neville: AJ... *pulls AJ close*

As they kiss Rio Ferdinand races back in


Rio Ferdinand: MURKED!!! hahahahahahahahaha MURKED!!! Gazza Nezza's been MURKED!!!! hahahahahahahahahahaha

*Andy Johnson pulls free of Neville's embrace and spits repeatedly*

Gary Neville: You ****s!

Rio Ferdinand: MURKED!!! hahahahahahaha Well done AJ me ole son!!!! Did you see his face?!?!? ahahahahahahah I'm too funny! MURKED!!!

Gary Neville: **** off! Get the **** out of my ****ing house!

Rio Ferdinand: Don't worry! It's only for the team to view, not the public! MURKED!!!

Ferdinand and Johnson exit the house

Gary Neville: ...*sigh*...Wish you were here, Becks. I miss you so.

Gary Neville's phone rings...