Revenge of the Sith Abridged Script

You knew it was coming. Seems like there's one for every movie, but this one has some funny parts. I think I've cleaned it up enough for posting it here or you can just go here.


STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH: THE ABRIDGED
SCRIPT?

By Rod Hilton



FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN
MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.

EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)

They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!

HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.

EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It'd be
like a life support system being in
a box on someone's chest.

They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.

They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN
MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to
fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget
that ever happened. They find IAN.

IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!

Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.

CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!

They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN
fights him and eventually KILLS him.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher
Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and
introduced him in the first place.

HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.

He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell obnoxiously!

He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BAD@$$ AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE HE IS is missed.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!

HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE
PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to