Romance Rewritten

I don't like the love-scene dialogue in AOTC. It's coarse and rough and irritating.
Now don't get me wrong. I loved the movie. But as a budding screenwriter myself, I thought I'd try to rewrite the love scenes. Tell me what you think.

Things to keep in mind:
(1) This is not meant to be "the way Adam would write a love scene in an original script of his". I am attempting to write in a style that would mesh well with George's. This is me playing George, as it were.
(2) I'm keeping the story the same, natch.
(3) After each scene I will tell you what I changed about each scene and WHY.

Let's begin.

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Coruscant stuff

These scenes don't really focus much on Anakin and Padme's budding relationship, and I like the dialogue as-is anyway. Skipping all that and moving on to:
-----

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On the transport

As Artoo brings them the food:

ANAKIN: ... could have died out there. I don't know what I'd do without Obi-Wan. (takes food from Artoo) Thanks Artoo.
PADME: You must have tons of stories. All the things you've done as a Jedi. (somewhat sad) All my stories are about negotiations and procedures.
ANAKIN: I wouldn't say it's about adventures.
(Sullen pause. Artoo beeps, rolls away.)
PADME: It must be difficult having sworn your life to someone else. Not being able to do all the things you like.
ANAKIN: Or be with the people I love. (pause; covers for himself) My mother, you know.
PADME: Someone once told me Jedi weren't supposed to feel love.
ANAKIN: A Jedi keeps his emotions in check... buries his feelings deep down. (pause) It's like being a machine.
PADME: But you can love the world around you. Unconditionally. With a generic kind of respect. Right?
ANAKIN: In that sense, true. So I can love you... I guess.

Explanation:
First off, I don't like the way the beginning scene is edited in the film, when you don't get the sense Anakin and Padme were having a conversation at all until Artoo showed up. Hence I gave Anakin something to say, and something praising Obi-Wan, to boot.
I also wanted to show Anakin's attachment to his mother, and give some hints that Padme wants something more in her life.
Finally, Anakin's "buries his feelings deep down" line is meant to parallel Obi-Wan's similar instruction to Luke in ROTJ, where we see how Luke's attachment to Leia nearly turns him to the dark side. His "I guess" is meant to parallel the "Yes, I guess" in TPM when he says goodbye to his mother.
-----


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Lakeside conversation

PADME: We used to come here for school retreat... plunge into the waters, then lie out on the sand and let the sun dry us.
ANAKIN: I don't like sand.
(Padme giggles at the strange comment.)
ANAKIN: I'm from a desert planet. You grow to hate the stuff after a while. (beat) It wasn't all bad... (He looks at her.) But not like here. (touches her back) Where everything is soft and smooth.
PADME (not dodging his hand): Please don't do that.
ANAKIN: Okay.
(He kisses her. She kisses back. Then breaks away.)
PADME: No. I shouldn't have done that. (She turns away from him.)
ANAKIN (a bit whiny): I've been dreaming of that for ten years.
(He can't see it, but we can: She smiles.)

Explanation:
I don't mind this scene much in the film. With the rewrite, though, I wanted to show what I consider the clever part of it -- Anakin's dislike of sand as a metaphor for dislike of himself, his history, his sand-covered home.
I thought I'd also try to make it a little more heated. Less discussion of birds. Mmm, sexy stuff.
-----


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Meadow picnic


ANAKIN: I can't believe you kept it.
(He's holding the japor snippet necklace, which is around Padme's neck.)
PADME: Do you remember making it?
ANAKIN: I remember everything about the times when you're around... (chuckles) Did it bring you good fortune?
PADME (cautiously): Of course. I love what I do with my life. I, I do good work... something that helps my people.
ANAKIN: But what does public service do for you, Padme?
PADME: You really don't like politicians do you?
ANAKIN: I like two or three. But I'm not r

 

Meesa like!

 

Wow, really good. My only complaint is with the fireplace scene, I think Anakin is TOO much of a stalker. But I do think the dialogue is really cleaned up. And I also like the "I can't breath" line, at least the way Christenson says it. I also like how, during the picnic scene, your version makes them seem even more like "just friends".

But you weren't serious about the "Yippee!" were you?

...Please tell me you weren't. That's just wrong.

Cometgreen

 

i like the way u did the picnic scene

i think that they should have connected TPM to AOTC

 

Adam-

First of all...Nice attempt. However, I think the original scenes worked fine. There were suble parry and dodges it that is missing in your version.

Your version, almost reads like a Dawsnon Creek episode...or a cheep teen love movie.

It also misses the point that Anakin is an OBSESSIVE LOVE type person. He can't let go of things at all. Thus the stalker vibe NEEDS to be there.

For example in the Refugee ship scene.
For with....when Ankin blurts in "being with the ones you love"
(That is an attempt to test if she would consider romance)

"I thought Jedi weren't allowed to love" (An assumption that Jedi had no feelings, or capapable of love, but not a rebuttal of his test"
'We aren't allowe to form attactchment, but we are allowed to have compassion for all creatures which is unconditional love. In fact, you might say Jedi's are encourage to love" (Another nifty sidesteps around the rules...also acknowledging she would not be treated as an possession)

"You've changed so much" (admittance that he is not a little boy anymore..and begins to accepts the man)

"You're exacly as I remember in my dreams" (Relizes he's gone too far, also a key hint that he DOESN'T let go...)

----Lakeside Retreat--------

Okay- first of all- we know he's from Tattonie...thus Padme(after being through a sandstorm) probabbly understands why anikin doesn't like the sand

Second of all- The whole reason why Padme doesn't react to Anakins hand guesture....is because ILM added it in AFTER the fact. Unfortunately, while this was needed- it doesn't give Porman a chance to react..on way or the other.

The other thing is..his "Sorry" combine with the WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPEN LOOK is classic... and perhaps the most realiztic
The whiney line you put in there, makes him too much of a wuss.

Her smiling afterwards gives us the feeling she's toying with him


----------The Water Fall Sequence---------

I like the snippet reference...it should have been somewhere in the movie. (like the dining room scene.)

However-Lucas conversation led better into the classic lines. Especially when she says that her first crush left the political areana...his snide "Sounds like he was the smart one" led more naturally into the conversation about polotics. It was also a tease to Padme that being a senator doesn't impress or bother him.

His line "whatever it takes" shows us something...he's a guy that was a slave, and he see's the stupidity of the politicians first hand.(naboo, his mom, and so forth) The fact he admits he doesn't have a clue, means he's ready to follow Palpatine.

The fact that Padme can't tell if he's joking (and he cracks a smile when he realizes he's gone to far...which shows us he's learning the dance of love) is a clue that SHE is begining to turn a blind eye to his behavior.

The Riding the PATATO WITH LEGS----is a useful scene.. why? becaue Anakin is willing to put Padme through hell...just for a laugh. A guy that is begining to stand up to her. And it gives them a reason to ROLL in the grass.


I could go further if you'd like...but I think I get my point accross.

 

Those are very good Mr Bertocci.

I like the way it isn't a rewrite as such, just a few additions ect here and there.

Too bad you haven't been hired for Episode 3.

 

ANAKIN: I'm from a desert planet. You grow to hate the stuff after a while. (beat) It wasn't all bad... (He looks at her.) But not like here. (touches her back) Where everything is soft and smooth.

I prefer George Lucas' dialogue in the scene. First of all it's much more descriptive than just having Anakin saying he "hates it."
Also, the "coarse and rough" description goes well as a contrast to Padme being "soft and smooth."

 

(He kisses her. She kisses back. Then breaks away.)
PADME: No. I shouldn't have done that. (She turns away from him.)
ANAKIN (a bit whiny): I've been dreaming of that for ten years.
(He can't see it, but we can: She smiles.)

A very interesting read, Adam. I prefer Lucas' script, but I admit that part of it has to do with just being used to AOTC the way it is. After watching it so many times, other versions of dialogue can seem a little weird.

I'd just like to comment on how you have Padme smiling after the first kiss. It doesn't seem right because at that point she is fighting her attraction to Anakin. She wouldn't be pleased with herself for giving in to such a temptation. She'd be determined not to let it happen again.

I also think you should have left in the Shaak riding scene because I just love how Across the Stars plays during that part. Also, it's a cute scene that showcases Anakin's playful side.

 

Id prefer to see the japor snippet in ep3 rather then 2

but if it was in 2 that would be how i would want it

 

Hmmm
Not better or worse in my eyes
Liked it just fine. I think my only complaints would be 'yippie' (ok for a 9 year old, which is why Lucas wrote it for lil Annie. But I don't think a 19 year old would be saying it, mischeivous or not heh.) Plus, I think I actually liked the original fireplace chat better. Insane? Maybe. Why? Personal reasons
However, a standout line was Anakin praising Obi-Wan. I thought that was a nice addition. Though maybe put it in with the dinner scene? Somewhere after the aggressive negoatiations line?
As for why you said you added it in to where you did, you gotta remember, that a lil chunk of the start was edited out. So, in the original version, it probably flowed better.
In closing, aside from a few words here and there, I think you captured Lucas' style nicely enough

 

I like it!!! Especially "It's like being a Machine"

 

About the Jappor Snippet, the key to that is the TPM 'I don't need this to remember you by'. In Ep3, whatever her fate, it is likely to be the only thing of the young innocent Anakin she once met that still remains. Lucas knows people who get into these films watch them more than once, and after Ep3 is out, the power of the moment he hands over the gift will be enough to span the gap between Ep 2 and 3. This is the kind of thing he means when he says ep 3 will change how people see TPM and AOTC.

For instance, in TPM there is the scene in the skywalker home where they're all sat round the table. It's still a possibility that everybody round that table except little Anakin will be dead by the time the trilogy is over, little Anakin will be 'dead' (ie become Vader) and it could turn out that the only survivor from the scene will be Artoo. That's gonna make me see things differently if it happens.

And I don't mind the way the romance is written. The mush partially distracts from what will turn out to be key foreshadowing, particularly the stuff about politics and 'I can't breathe' since whatever splits up the pair, be it circumstances or Padme's death, it will tip him over the edge like it nearly did at the end of clones, and quite literally, being without her will result in him being unable to breathe.

And people who are duty bund to keep their feelings to themselves DO have trouble expressing feelings, hell any normal human being can have trouble too, and though love is good, when you're not sure your feelings are returned, there is the risk that expressing it will destroy friendship. So, as cheesy as it felt to me on first viewing, subsequent viewings have tempered that, because the repercussions of what they choose to do will have such tragic consequences.

 

Not bad, that was certainly a lot better than I was expecting.

No offense, but I prefer George's way. I actually prefer the "poor" movie dialogue. I know it's stilted, akward and cringe-worthy, but that's how people really talk. I like the fact that the movie characters sometimes don't know what to say and end up sounding kind of stupid. That always felt more realistic than overly witty Dawson's Creek type speech.

 

Very nice, I like it.

 

Adam, your dialogue beats GL hand down.
It's an excellent piece of work if only you actually wrote the screenplay for AOTC.Good job.

 

Rewrites make Rick McCallum sad.

 

Nice, Adam. That dialogue was almost as good as Run Leia Run's.

 

I prefer GL's way, but you really did a nice job. ^___^

 

Adam, I hope I didn't come across as too negative earlier because I did enjoy reading what you wrote. I just found it a little too sharp for my taste.

 

Explanation: I consider this the worst scene in Star Wars history.

, sorry Did I just read what I thought I read?

Explanation: I consider this the worst scene in Star Wars history.

Yes, I do think I did!

Adam, are you feeling alright?

 

Okay, time to respond to some comments.

Re: the "Yippee"... yes, that's intentionally there. He's saying it with a sort of sarcastic twist. I always sort of wished GL would resurrect the hated-for-some-reason Yippee! and put it in a surly teenager's sarcastic context, to show how Anakin has grown and changed. This seemed like a good place for it.

Okay- first of all- we know he's from Tattonie...thus Padme(after being through a sandstorm) probabbly understands why anikin doesn't like the sand
I don't think the audience caught on to what you and I did, though, Lukecash. I think they thought he was just babbling. That's why I wanted to reinforce the connection.

The other thing is..his "Sorry" combine with the WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPEN LOOK is classic...
I just think that's too much of a "modern teen comedy" joke, myself.

I prefer George Lucas' dialogue in the scene. First of all it's much more descriptive than just having Anakin saying he "hates it."
True. I should've worked that in.

you gotta remember, that a lil chunk of the start was edited out. So, in the original version, it probably flowed better.
I know. But I still think they should have had the old conversation continuing, or had Hayden loop a new line, or something. It just feels to me that the scene opens and they're sitting there doing nothing at all until Artoo shows up.

No offense, but I prefer George's way. I actually prefer the "poor" movie dialogue. I know it's stilted, akward and cringe-worthy, but that's how people really talk. I like the fact that the movie characters sometimes don't know what to say and end up sounding kind of stupid. That always felt more realistic than overly witty Dawson's Creek type speech.
gator - I ABSOLUTELY agree (on most of the lines... some I still hate). But so many people seem to complain about the love dialogue that I thought I would try and give them what they wanted -- someone who magically pulls pick-up lines out of the air, not the honest, fumbling, realistic teenager AOTC gives us.
(That said, the fireside scene still sucks. I'll get to that.)


yodaschum --
Yeah. I hate the fireside scene. So? I never said the movie was perfect.
(Note: I'm reffering to the five movies in the "worst scene in SW history" bit. We're not including Holiday Special here. )


Rick McCallum loves you!

 

I think the japor snippit (or whatever it's called) should have shown up in the love confession. When Padme says, "I love you. I've always loved you." it would have been very cool if she pulled it out from under her shirt:

Anakin: Face clearly surprised and a little taken aback, but his face softens when he looks into Padme's eyes.
Padme: "I promised I would never forget you."

Then they kiss.

Edit - Here's another possibility:

Imagine at some point in Episode III, Anakin has fully gone over to the darkside, has become a murderous rogue actively helping Palpatine hunt down and exterminate the Jedi. Padme is shocked and horrified to see this change and is forced to go into hiding for her own safety and the safety of her unborn children. As she sits on a transport sip heading off to a secret location, she sits alone, a tragic figure, wiping away a tear. Then she pulls out the japor snippet and looks at it longingly, wondering what happened to the sweet little boy she met on Tatooine all those years ago.

Now that would be brilliant.

 

I'm pretty sure that's what he's doing. It was a pretty big piece of their relationship. I have faith that GL put it in there for a reason. While I would have liked to see the snippet in AOTC, I think that, if he does use it for a large emotional scene in EpIII, seeing it in AOTC would have been overkill. You really only want to set it up, and then use it for the biggest emotional impact; using it more than once would lessen the impact. It would have been cool if he had this in mind all the way back in the OT, then Padme could have looked at it with despair, and then give it to one of the babies. She could give it to Leia, then in ROTJ, during the "brother/sister" revelation, Leia could give it to Luke, who uses it to bring back Anakin.

See, now THAT would be brilliant.

Cometgreen

 

^^^
Sorry, but that would have been corny.

Vader is about to strike a fatal blow to Luke, when suddenly, he catches a glimpse of something around Luke's neck. It's the japor snippet!

Vader: "I...I made that...for luck."

Luke: "Yes, father, and you gave it to my mother. She believed in you...as do I!"

Emperor: "I think I'm gonna be sick."

No thanks!

 

First of all Cometgreen, that was a great idea. It would've been great if Leia had given Luke the snipet and said "this was our mother's and I want you to have it because I may never see you again and I want you to have a part of Mom with you always". Then when Vader sees it around Luke's neck he begins to have secret flashbacks to when he gave Padme the snipet. Slowly bringing him out of the darkside. That would be cool if Lucas added flashbacks in Vader's mind after Luke leaves with the stormtroopers on Endor, where Vader is deep in thought. Or when Luke is getting fryed and Vader has a flashback when Dooku fryed him with lightning.

Secondly, great work Adam, I don't think it sounded like Dawson's Creek but I do think the politcian dialouge should've been kept. If you and Lucas wrote the screenplay for AOTC I think the love story would've been better. I was a bit disappointed that you didn't have anything written for the confession scene. Granted it was a great scene, but I think it could've been better if it showed Padme giving Anakin more sympathy after he starts sobbing. Anyway keep up your good writing Adam, you should consider writig SW fan fiction and putting it in the archives.