Saga Spank Wars (Obi vs Vader / ANH / silly AU)

Title: Spank Wars
Author: Lazy K
Timeframe: ANH
Characters: Obi-Wan, Darth Vader
Genre: silly action, AU
Keywords:
Summary: Obi-Wan and Darth Vader attempt to spank each other on the Death Star.
Notes: Reposted from the Gentlemen's Writing Guild "spank" game.

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[h2]Spank Wars[/h2]
Obi-Wan Kenobi was perhaps a hundred paces away from the hangar when a shadow appeared at the end of the tunnel.

"I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan," Darth Vader said. "We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete."

Obi-Wan's hands moved from his sides as of their own volition. Vader's did likewise in preparation for the confrontation to follow. But while Obi-Wan's hands were calm like willow branches in the breeze, Vader's trembled ever-so-slightly as if remembering past indignities - or, perhaps, anticipating new ones.

"When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master."

Obi-Wan smiled dryly. "Only a master of evil - [i]Darth[/i]."

For a long while, the only sound was the mechanical rasping of Vader's respirator. Neither moved - yet the duel of light and darkness had already begun. Obi-Wan's eyes darted about restlessly as he sought an opening, a weakness in the Sith Lord's stance. He had no doubt Vader was doing the same, yet the mask made it impossible to tell from appearance alone.

Usually, the Force would have helped him see what his eyes could not. But this was a Dark Lord of the Sith, whose master had kept himself hidden from the Jedi for decades. How much harder could it be to lie through the Force?

[i]Don't think,[/i] Obi-Wan could almost hear his Master say. [i]Feel. Concentrate on the moment.[/i]

[i]Yes, Master Jinn,[/i] he thought - and lunged, palm racing.

At the last moment, Vader spun around and stopped Obi-Wan's hand with a simple forearm block. He then stepped sideways and forward, putting himself in optimal position. But Obi-Wan saw this coming and prevented it with a sweeping parry with his other hand.

As though choreographed, the two adversaries parted. Obi-Wan's breath was already ragged with exertion. Vader's was . . . not, but this could mean anything given the regularity of his artificial breathing apparatus.

[i]I'm growing too old for this,[/i] Obi-Wan thought. There were only so many ways to spank someone who was trying to spank you, and they all required acrobatics he could no longer use. Were it not for the fact that Vader's heavy armor and prosthetics were slowing him down as well, this duel would have been over by now.

As if reading his thoughts, Vader said, "Your powers are weak, old man."

[i]Time for a little psy-ops, then.[/i] "You can't win, Darth. If you spank me, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

For a split second Vader hesitated. And in that moment, Obi-Wan thought he saw Anakin's hurt and betrayal through the mask - the [i]why are you doing this to me?[/i] look he'd get whenever he had to discipline his Padawan over his knee.

Then the moment passed and Vader was Vader again, striding forward to inflict pain and humiliation upon his former friend and Master.

Obi-Wan quickly lost track of time as he fought. There was only the ever-repeating [i]now[/i] of battle: strikes and counter-strikes, feints and counter-feints, blocks and parries. And it was obvious he was losing. Whatever offensive advantage he might have had was now lost. His tired body, aged prematurely in the deserts of Tatooine, was doing all it could in fending off Vader's attacks.

He didn't know where Vader's continued strength came from. Was it from his prosthetics? His need to prove that he had outgrown his Master? Or was it a matter of revenge? Whatever it was, it was being twisted by the dark side to fuel his fury.

[i]I failed him.[/i] He'd known it back on Mustafar. But he hadn't realized just how much his failure went until now. [i]But perhaps I can still teach him one last thing . . .[/i]

Obi-Wan took advantage of a lull in Vader's attack to take a step back. He pressed his palms together in what Anakin had once called the [i]spank fu[/i] salute. He smiled at the memory, and smiled some more when he saw that Vader was clearly puzzled by his actions.

Then he bowed.

And turned completely around.

And bowed more deeply, exposing his backside.

And when the blow finally came, Obi-Wan was completely at peace with himself and the Force.

 

W-wait a minute, I thought this *was* how it happened in the film? And now they say it didn't. I-I---had it wrong for all these years.

Thanks for a much-needed dose of Sunday LOLs.