Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace - rewritten

As probably a few of you know, since about April I've been working on a rewrite of The Phantom Menace, partly as a way to learn all about the codes and conventions of script writing, and also because it's something that I've been thinking about for ages. I have PMed both NathanDahlin and cbjedi, and they have given me permission to post it, as they felt that it would be a change from the usual topics posted here. Although I like The Phantom Menace, there were several things I wasn't happy with, and this rewrite is really an attempt to change the slightly weaker aspects of the script, dialogue, and the characters. Whether it's change for the better is up to you lot to decide. Please give this a read whether you like The Phantom Menace or not, as I'd very much like as many opinions on it as possible. Anyway, I'll shut up now, and post the first part! I hope you all enjoy it, and please let me know what you think of it. Please forgive the spelling and grammar errors, too. Here we go:-

Star Wars
Episode I
The Phantom Menace
Story By George Lucas
Screenplay by Stephen Oakes

Turmoil has engulfed the once peaceful Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to the outlying star systems is in dispute.

Hoping to solve the matter with a blockade of deadly starships, the greedy Trade Federation have stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.

While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debate this alarming chain of events, Supreme Chancellor Valorum has secretly dispatched the venerable Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, and his young apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi, to settle the conflict....

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT

In the cockpit of the REPUBLIC CRUISER, THE CAPTAIN, and a PILOT move closer to the larger of the seven DROID CONTROL SHIPS, the FLAGSHIP of the TRADE FEDERATION.

QUI-GON: (off screen) Captain.

THE CAPTAIN turns to face the unseen figure standing behind her.

CAPTAIN: Sir?

QUI-GON: Tell them we wish to board at once.

CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.

THE CAPTAIN looks up at the view-screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a thin bald human, who is the head of the TRADE FEDERATION, waits.

CAPTAIN: With all due respect, Viceroy Gunray, the ambassadors for Chancellor Valorum wish to board immediately.

NUTE: Of course. Our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be delighted to receive the ambassadors.

The screen flickers blank. Out of the cockpit window, the sinister BATTLE-SHIP looms ever closer.

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE.

The small REPUBLIC SHUTTLE lands in the MAIN DOCKING BAY of the FEDERATION BATTLE-SHIP. A silver PROTOCOL DROID watches as two dark robed figures walk down the ramp of the CRUISER. The DROID leads them through the main doors, and into the CONFERENCE ROOM.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

The door slides open, and OBI-WAN and QUI-GON, led by the PROTOCOL DROID, step inside.

PROTOCOL DROID: I am C3-PO, human cyborg relations. My masters are greatly honoured by your visit, ambassadors. They will be here shortly.

QUI-GON: How long will the viceroy be?

PROTOCOL DROID: He will be with you shortly. There are some trivial matters he must take care of first. Please make yourselves comfortable.

The PROTOCOL DROID departs. The two JEDI lower their hoods. QUI-GON JINN is tall, about forty years old and has his hair in a long ponytail. OBI-WAN KENOBI is twenty-five years old, and has his hair in a short ponytail, traditional for a JEDI PADAWAN. Several exotic birds are in a cage close to a window, where the lush planet of NABOO can be seen.

OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this. Why wasn't the Trade Federation Viceroy here to meet us? Why send the droid?

QUI-GON: It is a formality.

OBI-WAN: This is hardly a formal situation, master. I would have preferred it if even the ambassador of Naboo had been informed of our mission.

OBI-WAN pokes his finger into the birdcage. One of the birds' nips at it. OBI-WAN quickly removes his finger.

QUI-GON: Try not to centre on your anxieties, Obi-Wan. K

 

EXT. NABOO-CITY OF THEED-PALACE GROUNDS

Huge Transports, STAPS, Battle-droids, and droidekas are storming the city. The army of Naboo volunteers, although greatly out-numbered, fights valiantly against them, managing to destroy several squads, but the droids march on, relentless.

INT. NABOO PALACE-THRONE ROOM

The QUEEN dressed in an elegant, but sombre dark dress, stands, her head bowed, as if in prayer. BIBBLE stands by here, along with two handmaidens.

BIBBLE: (softly) Your majesty, you must leave the palace. Those droids will soon be here, and if they capture you it will spell doom for our people.

AMIDALA: And if I leave, it will spell doom for our people. This.... this suffering could have been stopped. If we had gone to the Gungans, and united together, we may have had hope.

BIBBLE: Hope? With those savages?

PANAKA enters the THROWN ROOM, his brow covered in sweat. He is out of breath.

PANAKA: Your highness, we cannot hold them back! They wipe away anyone who resists. And they have captured and round up some of our people. Your highness, you must evacuate!

AMIDALA is quiet for a moment. She slowly turns to PANAKA, and BIBBLE.

AMIDALA: My place is here, with my people. Tell your men to fall back, Captain.

PANAKA: (horrified) But, your highness....

AMIDALA: (cutting him off) No more lives shall be lost for the protection of my own.

PANAKA stares at the Queen for a moment, and then wearily nods.

PANAKA: (into his comm-link) Cease defence of the palace! All groups fall back, repeat: All groups fall back! (pause) May the Force be with you all.

The sound of blaster fire stops. Suddenly, a squad of battle-droids, lead by OOM-9 burst into the room.

OOM-9: Drop your blaster!

PANAKA looks to AMIDALA, who nods. He regretfully drops his weapon. OOM-9 advances on AMIDALA.

OOM-9: Queen Amidala of the Naboo, you are now a prisoner of the Trade Federation!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

NUTE and RUNE stand before a hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS.

NUTE: The invasion is going well, my Lord. My troops have taken control of the major cities there, and are now attacking the capitol city of Theed. The planet will soon be ours.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Good. The Senate is bogged down with procedure, and Valorum is powerless. When it comes to the vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.

TEY HOW rushes over to NUTE, and whispers in his ear. NUTE nods, and waves him away.

NUTE: Our troops have captured the Queen, and the ruling council of Naboo!

DARTH SIDIOUS: The ruling council is of no significance. You must force the Queen to sign the treaty, to legalise the invasion.

NUTE: She is strong, my Lord...

DARTH SIDIOUS: (cutting him off) Queen Amidala is young and naive. You will find controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well, Viceroy.

NUTE smirks.

NUTE: (bowing his head) Thank you, my lord.

DARTH SIDIOUS: I know that the Jedi still live.

NUTE?s smirk disappears.

DARTH SIDIOUS: They will be making their way to Theed now. Be ready for them, Viceroy. Don?t fail me a second time.

The hologram disappears. RUNE turns to NUTE.

RUNE: He knew! He?ll kill us if we do not destroy the Jedi!

NUTE begins to pace up and down. He turns to RUNE, with a calculated smile on his lips.

NUTE: We will be ready for the Jedi. But what Lord Sidious fails to see is that he came to us.

RUNE: I don?t understand, sir.

NUTE: The Sith have been extinct for five hundred years. Since that time, the Jedi have sworn to the people of the galaxy that they?d be forever vigilant, guarding them against the return of the Sith. If events turn against us, or if Sidious gets too unfriendly for us, we can simply inform the Jedi Council of his existence. I am sure they will pay handsomely for the information.

RUNE: You are playing a dangerous game, sir.

NUTE: Yes, a game that I am guaranteed to win. Inform the ground troops to be ready for the arrival of the Jedi, and prepare my shuttle. We have

 

EXT. TATOOINE-DESERT-DAY

The ROYAL STARSHIP slowly lands on the wasteland, creating a mini sandstorm as it makes contact with the ground, but the sand soon settles down. The city of MOS ESPA can been seen in the distance.

INT. ROYAL STARSHIP-ENGINE ROOM

OBI-WAN, C-3PO and R2 are assessing the damage on the HYPERDRIVE GENERATOR. QUI-GON enters, followed by JAR JAR.

OBI-WAN: The hyperdrive is a T-14 model. They?re not exactly a common make, but we should be able to acquire one on this backwater world.

QUI-GON: Is there anything else that needs to be repaired?

OBI-WAN: Nothing that we can?t fix ourselves. Who will be going out on the surface?

QUI-GON: You?ve just volunteered, Obi-Wan!

OBI-WAN looks slightly shocked.

OBI-WAN: Me?

QUI-GON: Yes, you. It will be a good experience for you, vital for your training.

OBI-WAN: But master, I would prefer to stay behind to defend the ship.

QUI-GON: I am quite capable of doing that myself. Besides, we need to stop them from sending any transmissions to Naboo, and somehow I don?t think Captain Panaka will accept your authority.

OBI-WAN: I don?t trust him, master.

QUI-GON: (irritated) No, you don?t like him. There?s a difference.

OBI-WAN looks away.

QUI-GON: You shouldn?t find it too difficult to get the parts we need, but report back here regularly.

OBI-WAN: Yes, master.

QUI-GON: Get changed into some native clothes, too. Walking around with that lightsaber might attract some rather unwelcome attention.

OBI-WAN: Yes, master.

OBI-WAN turns to leave.

QUI-GON: And you should take C-3PO and R2-D2 with you. They might be useful.

OBI-WAN: Yes, master. (He turns to JAR JAR) You better come with me, too. I wouldn?t like to think what Panaka might do to you while I?m away.

JAR JAR gives OBI-WAN a strange salute. OBI-WAN nods slightly to himself. He turns to exit the room, when PANAKA enters, followed by PADME. OBI-WAN tries to hide his resentment of the NABOO CAPTAIN.

PANAKA: The Queen wishes that you take her handmaiden Padme with you.

OBI-WAN: (trying to hold his temper) I think we have enough in the expedition already. I?m not trying to turn this into a party.

PANAKA: The Queen commands it...

OBI-WAN: Well, with all due respect to her Highness...

QUI-GON: (cutting OBI-WAN off) Take her with you, Obi-Wan.

OBI-WAN turns to QUI-GON, giving him an imploring look, but QUI-GON remains impassive. OBI-WAN, followed by JAR JAR, C-3PO, R2, and PADME, exit the room.

EXT. TATOOINE-DESERT-DAY

OBI-WAN, now dressed like a moisture farmer, is walking briskly ahead, with PADME and JAR JAR a few feet behind him, and R2 and C-3PO even further behind them. JAR JAR is carrying a large bag, full of supplies. The Royal Starship can be seen in the distance. They have been travelling for quite a long time. PADME and JAR JAR are rather sweaty by the intense heat of the double suns, but OBI-WAN seems unaffected. PADME walks along side the young JEDI.

PADME: How much further?

OBI-WAN: It shouldn?t be too long now. Keep walking. It?s good exercise.

JAR JAR: My thwisty!

OBI-WAN: Stop whining, Jar Jar. The droids aren?t.

R2 beeps.

PROTOCAL DROID: He said don?t complain, R2!

Suddenly a rumbling can be heard in the distance. It gets louder and louder. They all stop. Coming very quickly out of the distance, a herd of stampeding BANTHAS. JAR JAR is very scared, and so is PADME, but she tries to hid it. OBI-WAN grabs them both, pushing them a few metres away from the herd, quickly doing the same for C-3PO and R2. Just as the herd approaches, OBI-WAN jumps out of the way, barely missing them. Once the entire herd has passed, covering them all in sand as they run, OBI-WAN slowly gets to his feet. The JEDI dusts himself down, watching as the herd rushes off into the distance.

OBI-WAN: (to himself) Why does that always happen to me?

The JEDI walks over to help PADME to her feet, but she gets up without his help. JAR JAR holds out his hand for OBI-WAN to help him up, but the JEDI i

 

EXT. MOS ESPA-OUTSIDE ANAKIN?s HOVEL-SUNRISE

PADME exits the hovel, blinking slightly in the sun-light. She yawns, and stretches a bit, and heads for the BACK YARD.

EXT. MOS ESPA-SLAVE QUARTERS-BACK YARD-DAY

R2 is looking up at the racer, beeping approvingly. ANAKIN sits in the pilot?s seat, making strange engine noises, pretending to be racing. PADME looks up at him, and grins.

PADME: Engines not working?

ANAKIN jumps slightly, and looks down at PADME, smiling rather embarrassed.

ANAKIN: No...err...I was just practising.

PADME offers ANAKIN her hand. ANAKIN takes it as he climbs down the racer.

ANAKIN: Where?s Mom?

PADME: She?s waiting inside. We?ve got to leave in a minute, it?s nearly time you were at the arena.

ANAKIN: (apprehensively) Yeah...

PADME: You?re nervous, aren?t you?

ANAKIN: Nah, of course I?m not nervous...why should I be nervous?

ANAKIN pretends to busy himself with the racer. PADME places a hand on his shoulder.

PADME: You?ll do it, Anakin, I know you will.

PADME slowly walks back into the HOVEL. ANAKIN turns, watching her go.

ANAKIN: (to himself) Thank you...

EXT. MOS ESPA-ARENA-MAIN HANGAR-DAY

PODRACERS, PILOTS, and their CREWS are making their way to MAIN HANGAR. Already a large crowd is beginning form outside the HANGAR, all very jolly and drunk, despite the early time of day.

INT. MOS ESPA-ARENA-MAIN HANGAR-DAY

The hanger is a large building with a dozen or so PODRACERS being prepared for the race. ALIEN CREWS and PILOTS rush about, making last minute adjustments to their vehicles. WATTO, JAR JAR, OBI-WAN, and R2 walk through the activity.

WATTO: ...And I want to see your pod the moment the race is over.

OBI-WAN: Don?t worry old fellow, you?ll have your winnings before nightfall, and we?ll be a long way from here.

WATTO: Not if your a ship belongs to me, I think...(WATTO sniggers)...I a warn you, none of your a funny business, yes.

OBI-WAN: You don?t think the boy will win?

WATTO stops before an orange racer. Sitting to one side, having is neck and shoulders massaged by two rather exotic looking aliens, is SEBULBA.

WATTO: Don?t get me a wrongo. I have a great faith in the boy, yes, but...

WATTO pushes JAR JAR out of the way, and points of to SEBULBA.

WATTO: (cont?d) Sebulba there is going to win, I think, yes.

JAR JAR looks over to SEBULBA, and swallows rather nervously.

OBI-WAN: (to JAR JAR) That bully. (to WATTO) Why do think he?s going to win?

WATTO: He always wins! I?m a putting everything on Sebulba. I?ll be able to leave a Tatooine once and for all.

OBI-WAN: I?ll take that bet.

WATTO stares at OBI-WAN.

WATTO: What?!

OBI-WAN: I bet my pod-racer against...the boy and his mother.

WATTO reacts in an extremely shocked way.

WATTO: You can?t have the boy, no!

OBI-WAN: (carefully) But if you?re so certain Sebulba will win...

WATTO is clearly torn. He rubs his chin thoughtfully.

WATTO: You can have the woman, instead, yes.

OBI-WAN shakes his head.

OBI-WAN: The boy and the woman, or no bet.

WATTO is still considering.

OBI-WAN: It?s a small price to pay for the fastest racer ever built.

WATTO: I still need a slave!

OBI-WAN sighs. He clearly didn?t want to make this decision.

OBI-WAN: Alright, the boy then.

WATTO smiles deviously. WATTO pulls a small die from out of small pouch. One side is red, the other side is blue.

WATTO: Well, let?s a make fate decide, yes. Blue it?s the boy, red it?s his mother.

WATTO tosses the die to the floor. As it spins, OBI-WAN waves his hand slightly. The die flips over to blue. WATTO scowls irritated that he was caught out.

WATTO: You?ve a won this small toss, offworlder, but the boy will not a win the race, so it makes little difference!

WATTO floats away, cursing loudly in HUTTESE. JAR JAR picks up the die.

JAR JAR: Dis is weighted!

OBI-WAN grins.

OBI-WAN: I had a feeling it was. Jar Jar, remember never try to trick a Jedi, we know every trick in the book.

PADME, ANAKIN, C-3PO and S

 

EXT. TATOOINE-DESERT-ROYAL STARSHIP-DAY

ANAKIN and OBI-WAN are walking briskly towards the ROYAL STARSHIP, but ANAKIN is having a tough time keeping up with the JEDI. ANAKIN stops, and looks at the gleaming STARSHIP in admiration.

ANAKIN: Wow!

OBI-WAN, realising that ANAKIN has stopped, turns around to answer him, and sees a DARK-CLOAKED FIGURE bearing down on a speeder-bike.

OBI-WAN: Anakin, duck!

ANAKIN quickly falls the ground as the speeder-bike flies over him. DARTH MAUL jumps of his speeder-bike, and as he is in mid-air, ignites his LIGHTSABER, lunging at OBI-WAN, with OBI-WAN dodging the blow just in time. OBI-WAN quickly activates his lightsaber; barely deflecting as DARTH MAUL makes a swing towards the JEDI?s head. ANAKIN watches with a mixture of awe and fear as DARTH MAUL and OBI-WAN become locked in a vicious the duel.

OBI-WAN: Anakin, tell them to take off!

DARTH MAUL swings his lightsaber again, but OBI-WAN manages to dodge just in time. ANAKIN remains for a moment.

ANAKIN: But...

OBI-WAN: (cutting ANAKIN off) Do it now!

ANAKIN begins to run passed them. DARTH MAUL tries to go after ANAKIN, but OBI-WAN raises his hand, creating a mini sandstorm around the SITH LORD, blinding him temporarily. DARTH MAUL slashes out at OBI-WAN, making the JEDI PADAWAN fall onto the ground. DARTH MAUL looms over OBI-WAN, about to deliver the killing blow, but OBI-WAN manages to roll out of the way just in time. Their lightsabers clash together again.

INT. ROYAL STARSHIP-COCKPIT

ANAKIN rushes into the cockpit, followed by PADME, where QUI-GON and RIC OLIE are checking the hyperdrive.

ANAKIN: (breathlessly) Obi-Wan?s in trouble, he says you?ve got to take off!

QUI-GON quickly gets to his feet, looking through the view-screen. Through the view-screen OBI-WAN and DARTH MAUL can be seen. QUI-GON stares at DARTH MAUL, instantly recognising what DARTH MAUL is.

QUI-GON: (quietly to himself) Oh no...

PADME: (pointing) There he is!

QUI-GON: (to RIC OLIE) Fly low.

RIC OLIE hurriedly begins to take off, flying towards where PADME pointed. OBI-WAN and DARTH MAUL can be seen now, and although he is putting up a good fight, it?s clear that OBI-WAN can?t hold out much longer. When QUI-GON sees DARTH MAUL, he reacts with shock.

QUI-GON: Hold your position until he gets on board.

QUI-GON quickly exits the cockpit, followed by ANAKIN.

EXT. TATOOINE-DESERT-ROYAL STARSHIP-DAY

As the ROYAL STARSHIP begins to fly over-head, DARTH MAUL begins to fight far more aggressively. He slashes out wildly at OBI-WAN?s head, but OBI-WAN ducks, and before DARTH MAUL realises what has happened, OBI-WAN is already on the ROYAL STARSHIP?s ramp.

EXT. TATOOINE-ROYAL STARSHIP RAMP-DAY

The SITH LORD immediately jumps onto the ramp after OBI-WAN, and brings his lightsaber down onto the JEDI?s shoulder, making OBI-WAN gasp out in pain. DARTH MAUL raises his lightsaber again, but OBI-WAN kicks the SITH LORD in the torso, pushing DARTH MAUL off the STARSHIP, and onto the desert floor. The ramp closes, and the ROYAL STARSHIP speeds away, leaving DARTH MAUL standing alone.

EXT. SPACE-ROYAL STARSHIP

The ROYAL STARSHIP rockets away from the planet TATOOINE.

INT. ROYAL STARSHIP-HALLWAY

QUI-GON and ANAKIN rush into the HALLYWAY to find OBI-WAN collapsed on the floor opposite the entry. R2 is looking over him. OBI-WAN is breathing deeply, and is wet with sweat. There is a large burn mark on his shoulder, from DARTH MAUL?s lightsaber.

ANAKIN: (deeply concerned) Are you alright?

OBI-WAN: I think so. (smiling slightly) Just a slight burn to the shoulder.

ANAKIN: What was that thing?

OBI-WAN: I...I don?t know.

QUI-GON: Judging by the design of the lightsaber, I?d say it was a Sith Lord.

Both ANAKIN and OBI-WAN reacted in a surprised way to this.

ANAKIN: A what?

QUI-GON: (to OBI-WAN) We?ll discuss this later.

OBI-WAN: No, master, we?ll discuss this now!

QUI-GON: (changing the subject, and turning to ANAKIN) So, I presume this is the person who won us t

 

INT. ROYAL STARSHIP-MAIN AREA

JAR JAR is kneeling infront of the SUPPLY CRATE that ANAKIN is inside.

JAR JAR: (to the CRATE) Mesa tinking wesa entered hi-per-space.

ANAKIN: (muffled, from inside the CRATE) Is it safe to come out now?

JAR JAR: (QUI-GON and OBI-WAN enter just as JAR JAR replies to ANAKIN) Yous better waits.

OBI-WAN: What was that, Jar Jar?

JAR JAR guiltily jumps to his feet, turning to QUI-GON with a worried expression on his face.

JAR JAR: Mesa wassen justin tinking to himself.

OBI-WAN: And why were you talking to the crate?

JAR JAR shrugs, trying to look innocent.

JAR JAR: Tis an olden Gungan custom.

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN exchange nonplussed looks, and take a seat. A loud cough can then be heard coming from the CRATE. JAR JAR quickly bangs the CRATE with his fist in warning. QUI-GON and OBI-WAN slowly get to their feet, with suspicious looks on their faces.

OBI-WAN: Is it a Gungan custom to thump a supply crate that coughs, too?

JAR JAR nods quickly. The CRATE coughs again. OBI-WAN gently pushes JAR JAR aside, and opens up the CRATE. ANAKIN nervously pops his head out, and looks up at OBI-WAN.

OBI-WAN: (angrily) Anakin, I told you to stay on Coruscant! Do you have any idea the danger you?ve just put yourself in?

ANAKIN: (embarrassed) Sorry...I wanted to go with you, Obi-Wan.

OBI-WAN: We?re headed for a battle-zone! (walks towards the door) I better tell pilot to take this ship back to Coruscant.

QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, no. It?s too late now, it will waste time.

OBI-WAN shoots a frown at both JAR JAR and ANAKIN, who are now looking very sheepish. QUI-GON has a resigned look on his face.

OBI-WAN: But, Qui-Gon, we can?t bring a child into this!

QUI-GON: You already did that when you first met Anakin on Tatooine. Obviously it?s the will of the Force that the boy accompanies us to Naboo. I just hope the Force is on our side.

QUI-GON quietly exits the room. OBI-WAN gives a warning look to JAR JAR, who promptly departs. The JEDI PADAWAN turns to ANAKIN.

OBI-WAN: You?re not following the path of an obedient apprentice. I?d try to change that, if I were you.

INT. NABOO PALACE-THRONE ROOM-SUNSET

NUTE sits on the THRONE, a rather worried expression on his face. 00M-9 stands behind him. WZ0-8 enters the THRONE ROOM, and marches towards the VICEROY.

WZ0-8: The message has been sent to Coruscant, Viceroy. The Jedi Council will meet with you as soon as you arrive on the capitol world.

NUTE: Excellent, but we must keep this a secret. I do not want anyone else to know about this.

WZO-8: Yes, Viceroy.

DARTH MAUL enters the THRONE ROOM.

DARTH MAUL: The Queen is on her way back here. You must make preparations to defend my Master?s property.

NUTE: (to OOM-9) Have the troops on full alert, and inform the Flagship that we will be expecting some rather unwelcome visitors shortly.

OOM-9: Roger, roger.

OOM-9 and DARTH MAUL depart. NUTE gets up from his THRONE, and begins to pace up and down. He stops, and turns to WZO-8.

NUTE: I want my personal shuttle to be ready for immediate launch, and tell no one else of your orders.

WZ0-8: Yes, Viceroy.

WZO-8 promptly exits the THRONE ROOM, leaving the VICEROY alone.

INT. ROYAL STARSHIP-COCKPIT

OBI-WAN sits at the controls for the ROYAL STARSHIP, watching as the tunnel for HYPERSPACE spirals out infront of him, a thoughtful look on his face. PANAKA enters the COCKPIT, and checks a control read-out.

PANAKA: I see that you?ve taken that boy with us. Don?t you think it?s rather irresponsible behaviour, taking a child into a battle-zone?

OBI-WAN: There?s nothing we can do about it now.

PANAKA: You seem to have a very irritating habit of picking up any stray that wonders into your path. Are all Jedi like this?

OBI-WAN gets up from his seat, and turns angrily to PANAKA.

OBI-WAN: If it wasn?t for Jar Jar and Anakin, we would have never reached Coruscant!

PANAKA: But they aren?t of any use to us now. We should have left them both on Coruscant. E

 

INT. CENTRAL HANGAR-DAY

The fierce, intense battle between DARTH MAUL, OBI-WAN, and QUI-GON continues. OBI-WAN swings his lightsaber at DARTH MAUL, but the SITH LORD knocks him down with a hard kick to the chin. DARTH MAUL is about to finish OBI-WAN off when QUI-GON savagely lashes out with his lightsaber, distracting DARTH MAUL for a moment, allowing OBI-WAN to get back to his feet, and continue the fight. QUI-GON and OBI-WAN momentarily glance at each other, communicating through the FORCE. DARTH MAUL lashes out at OBI-WAN, who ducks, while the SITH LORD plunges his lightsaber at QUI-GON, who deflects the blow with ease. QUI-GON begins to back away, towards the HUGE DOUBLE DOORS. DARTH MAUL, believing he?s winning the battle, begins to fight harder, gaining more ground on the JEDI MASTER. OBI-WAN makes a cutting move towards DARTH MAUL?s head, but the SITH LORD deflects the bow with lightening speed. DARTH MAUL spins around, again knocking OBI-WAN flying. He turns back to QUI-GON just in time to deflect a killing blow. QUI-GON backs away again, stepping through the HUGE DOUBLE DOORS, making DARTH MAUL follow him. OBI-WAN gets to his feet, and grabs his lightsaber, running through the HUGE DOORS to rejoin the fight.

EXT. SPACE-NABOO-FEDERATION BATTLESHIP

ANAKIN?s STAR-FIGHTER flies towards the huge battle taking place above the PLANET of NABOO. THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP?s GUNS are blazing, hitting one NABOO STAR-FIGHTER, destroying the CRAFT completely.

INT. NABOO STAR-FIGHTER-COCKPIT

The EXPLOSION rocks ANAKIN?s STAR-FIGHTER, making R2 beep excitedly.

ANAKIN: (shocked) Oh no!

RIC OLIE: (over INTERCOM) Anakin, form on my wing now! I?ll cover you.

ANAKIN: (to RIC OLIE) Sure, I?m heading for you now.

R2 beeps urgently.

ANAKIN: (to R2) I see him!

ANAKIN steers his STAR-FIGHTER towards RIC OLIE?s, flying evasively to avoid the BLASTER-FIRE from the DROID BATTLESHIP. Suddenly ANAKIN?s FIGHTER shakes, and a DROID STAR-FIGHTER darts infront of ANAKIN. R2 beeps again, and ANAKIN clenches his teeth, his eyes narrowing on the DROID STAR-FIGHTER. He grabs hold of the joy-stick, moving his sights onto the STAR-FIGHTER.

ANAKIN: I?ve got you now!

He fires his BLASTER CANNONS, hitting the DROID STAR-FIGHER directly on target, which erupts into a fiery explosion.

RIC OLIE: (over INTERCOM) Good shot kid!

INT. NABOO STAR-FIGHTER-RIC OLIE?S COCKPIT

Through the view-screen, unnoticed by RIC OLIE, a DROID STAR-FIGHTER can be seen closing in on him.

BRAVO TWO: (over INTERCOM) Watch yourself, Bravo Leader, there?s one on your tail!

EXT. SPACE-NABOO-FEDERATION BATTLESHIP

The DROID STAR-FIGHTER fires at RIC OLIE?s STAR-FIGHTER.

INT. NABOO STAR-FIGHTER-RIC OLIE?S COCKPIT

RIC OLIE barely manages to avoid the deadly fire from the DROID STAR-FIGHTER.

RIC OLIE: I can?t shake him!

INT. NABOO STAR-FIGHTER-BRAVO TWO?S COCKPIT

BRAVO TWO is frantically flicking at the controls of the COCKPIT, a desperate look on her face.

BRAVO TWO: I can?t get to you, Bravo Leader, we?re up against some heavy fire here.

INT. NABOO STAR-FIGHTER-COCKPIT

A calm comes over ANAKIN, as the panicked chatter over the INTERCOM becomes more desperate.

ANAKIN: (to RIC OLIE) Hold on, sir, hold on! I?m coming.

INT NABOO STAR-FIGHTER-BRAVO TWO?S COCKPIT

BRAVO TWO: (to herself) If Bravo Leader is destroyed, this attack can?t go on!

INT NABOO STAR-FIGHTER-RIC OLIE?S COCKPIT

A red light begins to flash. RIC OLIE looks concerned.

RIC OLIE: He?s got a lock!

EXT. SPACE-NABOO-FEDERATION BATTLESHIP

The DROID STAR-FIGHTER has a clear shot of RIC OLIE?s FIGHTER when ANAKIN?s STAR-FIGHTER flies in between the two, blasting the DROID STAR-FIGHTER into a million pieces as he goes.

INT. NABOO STAR-FIGHTER-RIC OLIE?S COCKPIT

RIC OLIE breathes a sigh of relief.

RIC OLIE: Thanks, kid.

INT. NABOO STAR-FIGHTER-COCKPIT

ANAKIN wipes the sweat of his chin.

BRAVO TWO: (over INTERCOM) Good work, Bravo Five.

ANAKIN: (to RIC OLIE) I?m on your wing, Bravo Leader.

 

Dude, you have too much free time. I have the slight feeling you didn't like how TPM turned out. Good work though.

 

It keeps me off the streets. I could be out causing trouble if it wasn't for this!

 

Saved it to disk, looking forward to the read...

 

Great job. I've been following the evolution of this story over in FanFic. Glad to see it all done.

 

Worst th...

*remembers gusher/basher rule*

Er, best thread ever!

 

Great job Oak. I did my own re-write. There were some really cool ideas that we both share-it must be synchronicity! The idea of having Kenobi(in mine it was still Jinn) point out star systems to Anakin,giving him(and us)a brief history lesson. I also thought it would be cool if Gunray was a human instead of an alien. Also, I replaced Sidious with Maul actually on the Federation ship's bridge and gave Sidious' lines to Maul. I think I gave Sidious one appearance later on via hologram.
I really enjoyed TPM but, yeah, I too had some problems with it. Still, it's a fine addition to the saga.
Again, nice job!

 

Great job so far! I can't read the whole thing now, I have class, but it is too bad the flanneled one didn't have you to consult!

 

What about Obi Wan reluctantly taking Anakin as a Padawan? I feel that if you take out Qui Gon then it becomes Obi Wans choice to take on Anakin instead of having Anakin thrust upon him.

 

Anakin isn't thrusted upon Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan felt it was his destiny to train the Chosen One, and that's the whole reason he does what he does in this rewrite. He thinks that he was up to the task, but the trouble is that as he's acted in a disrespectful way to the Jedi Council, and as Obi-Wan is Anakin's role model, he takes onboard the rebellious streak when Obi-Wan is training him, which leads to trouble. I think it's far dramatic having Obi-Wan, who has the lowest status in the relationship between him and Qui-Gon to be the rebel, as it's far more dynamic. It's a common theme that goes on throughout the entire saga, so that's why I adapted it here.

 

ShaneP, well, I suppose it goes to show that two great minds think a like! What I did with this rewrite was combine stuff from the original that I liked, elements in the novel I liked, elements in some of the rough drafts of the film I liked, and even a few bits in the computer game of the film, as well as loads of my own ideas.

Anyway, I'm just upping this thread, as I don't want it to sink into obscurity just yet!

 

Hmph. You could at least have said that I've raped your childhood, Go-Mer-Tonic.

 

Sorry Oakesteve, it wouldn't let me do this in one post. I guess after so many characters it posts it without the text.

 

Ah...I see. That's alright, then. I was wondering, and this may sound very cheeky of me, Go-Mer, whether you could read this rewrite anyway, and just think of it as a piece of fan fiction, rather than the work of a fustrated malcontent, as I would appreicate as many different opinions on the screenplay as I can get, as this is what I hope to be doing as a job in the future (writing original screenplays, that is, but as I said before, I did this rewrite partly to get a feel of the codes and conventions of screenwriting). Through this rewrite I have gained more appreication for the script and the film itself, so at least something positive has come out of it, but if you do have the time, please give it a read, as I'd be terribly grateful.

 

You people need a life

 

Overall I liked it very much. It had more of the feel of the original trilogy, however one of the things I liked about TPM was that it had a different feel.

I liked that you made Palpatine more of a demagogue. That makes him much more sinister.

I'm not sure I agree with making Anakin a "darker" character. Part of the Star Wars ethos is personal responsibility. You seem to be setting up a number of excuses for him to turn to the dark side that are environmental and not of his own making.

I really like making Obi-Wan, and not Qui, the initiator of Anakin's training.

 

I'm a Star Wars fan. Of course I need a life.

 

OK, I have not read everything so far of your re-write so far Oaksteve. I am at work after all. A couple of 'issues'.

I don't think Jar-Jar works as a thief. You have continued to make him an innocent simple character, but then to make him an exiled criminal...well that does not seem to fit. I know the Gungan "Nocomebackie" law is a bit harsh for someone who is clumsy, but the Jar-Jar character does not work for me as a thief. I lost some sympathy for him at that point.

Starvation - You had Nute say to the queen that her people are suffering and starving. This only hours after seizing control of Naboo? Wow, the Naboo must have really fast metabolisms.

The Gungan/Naboo conflict. Again, we have lost sympathy for the Naboo when they treat the Gungans like a racially opressed people. The Naboo are under attack, and yet, I don't like some of them already. I know (or at least assume) that it will serve to better show the mending of the fences later on, but it just, again, does not work for me. Yes there should be a 'gulf' between them, but to have Panaka refer to them as disease ridden and such, and having him warn Obi-Wan about tusting them...huh-uh.

C-3PO as the protocol droid. I like the intorudction of him here, but I don't think a droid in the service of the Trade Federation would willingly cooperate with the Jedi. Most droids know little of politics and serve their masters as they are told. Your C-3PO switched sides, not something a protocol droid would do.

A slight nit pick here. You had the droids capture the queen, and then capture her again later?

Your Qui-Gon is a bit young for the 'aging master' character. I guess I liked him more was the older mentor dispensing wisdom, rather than the father figure. I guess it's ok though

Things I did like.
I like the Obi-Wan/Jar-Jar pairing, as opposed to the the Qui-Gon/Jar-Jar paring. I think it strengthens both characters.

Obi-Wan - you have so far punched up his role a bit, which works for me.

Overall, I like that you have kept to the flavor of the story without (so far at least) making any major plot changes. Of course, I am only up to Arriving at Tattooine.

 

"C-3PO as the protocol droid. I like the intorudction of him here, but I don't think a droid in the service of the Trade Federation would willingly cooperate with the Jedi. Most droids know little of politics and serve their masters as they are told. Your C-3PO switched sides, not something a protocol droid would do. "


THat's the problem I have every time I see C3PO in place of TC-14.