Saga Strange Little Girls <Female Jedi Vigs>: Honey-----Jocasta Nu, Count Dooku

Author's Note: I thought I'd do a little series of shorts giving some limelight to the forgotten lovelies of the Star Wars world: the Jedi women. I?ve been having a lot of trouble writing my Qui-Gon and Dooku lately, and it?s nice to have a break. I?m so tired of boys. Sometimes you just have to go back to the estrogen.

Anyway, also, um, Tori Amos songfic theme. All lyrics are her's.

Special thanks to the marvelous, beautiful, and all around amazing Becjedi for beta.

POV Bant Eerin from Jedi Apprentice.


I guess I'm an underwater thing so I
Guess I can't take it personally
I guess I'm an underwater thing
I'm liquid running
There's a sea secret in me
It's plain to see it is rising

-o-

At night the long halls of the Jedi Temple are lit with blue, just like an aquarium, just for me.

All I am anymore is blue and underwater.

I only move in the night now, when the air feels cooler, and there are less of the glittering eyes to watch me. Deep into the blue corridors I go, retracing the steps I crept so hopefully as a girl, remembering back when things were.

I do not carry a lightsaber anymore, as I no longer carry a Padawan. I am neither warrior, nor teacher. Master Fisto keeps my weapon on his hip, just behind his own, and some days I think that it is his heaviest burden.

?Bant,? he said to me, three months after Geonosis in his gentlest of voices, barely a whisper. ?Maybe I should keep your lightsaber for you. Just for now, Padawan. Just until you?re feeling better.?

He says that like he truly believes I will start to feel better at some point, like the fact that I was unable to keep my new Padawan alive in the arena will cease to matter, soon enough.

I am told that I am mad, because it still matters to me, years later.

I think it?s silly that he thinks I would use a lightsaber to harm myself. No, it would be an underwater thing. It would be as all those years ago, how Xanatos tried to kill me. Drowned Mon Calamarian. Sitting on the bottom of the lake, counting to find my limit.

I know that he never means to give it back. I realize now that even Jedi Masters don?t always tell the truth. Especially Jedi Masters. It?s all right, Kit, I didn?t want my blade anymore, anyway. I am not a warrior; I am a ghost.

I miss Obi-Wan most of all.

We have a system, he and I. We have a place, just behind a waterfall in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. A rock room, where he leaves me wonderful letters on everything: his missions, his failings, his Padawan. He asks how I am. He asks to see me.

Sometimes I know that he watches that place, waiting in hope of seeing me come to leave my own gifts. I never let him see me. I don?t know why he would ever even want to; I will never understand the human species fascination with staring at the dead and dying. I didn?t look at Master Tahl?s body even once; Qui-Gon practically drank her with his eyes.

Obi-Wan and I both know that I am certainly dying.

I have a great many conversations with Master Tahl, even now. Especially now. She comes to me in the evening, in that dusky hour when the Coruscant sunset hits the garden?s lake, and both the sky and water are splashed with red. Tahl looks glamorous in the red. She swims with me every evening now, and I ask her all of the things that I was too shy to say when it mattered.

She?s so pretty in that human way, rich and colorful. I never expected death to stop her, so I was more relieved than shocked when she started showing up again. Tahl was always that way, always beautiful, clever, funny, and tragic. Her life was so brimming, and I never truly fit into it.

Sometimes, I hate her. I can still remember the way the air burned on New Apsolon, when Obi-Wan and I talked about what had happened between our Masters. I had told him their love was the saddest thing of all then, in my meek, miserable way. Now I tell Tahl what I really think.

?You were selfish,? I cry, int

 

Ohh... spooky. I can see the whole thing... or perhaps not see what's happening so clearly, but these not-wholly-distinct images, watery-distorted, in blue water and red light coming through it. And it aches, even though I have only a very dim idea of Bant and that mostly from mentions in other fics. It feels like crying, but the tears are all outside.

The way you write her feels very real, feels very much like the character is a person, but I won't say it feels human because the alien touches -- the staying in water, the way she would die if she chose to, the way humans are alien to her in their color and their turning toward the dead -- these work, and they are a strong reminder that "person" in Star Wars doesn't mean human and that there might be differences, in instinct and biology, even among those raised the same.

I can feel her affection and sorrow over Kit, and the way it hurts him to carry her lightsaber, and her love and frustration with Tahl. And I wanted my Padawan could nearly make me cry, if I sink into her far enough.

So vivid, most of it not visual -- the visuals are soft and blurry, but the feeling --

She's not hiding, is she? She's going to meet it alone.

 

oh gosh, that was absolutely magnificent.

very eerie, but soft - and beautiful. very fitting to the underwater theme. your words just sort of clicked together for me. smooth and fluent. like silent, gentle waves...

I begin to count.

i think i know what's happening, but sometimes i'm so blind to certain things. i'd love it if you could clarify my suspicions. she's drowning herself, right? and if i'm wrong then feel free to call me stupid and tell me what's really happening.

what can i say? just adored it i did. and more i can't wait for. is it possible that you could PM me when you update?

wonderful job, so elegantly lovely. ahhh! wonderful.

 

<gasps as I break to the surface>

 

You've definitely captured that blurry, eerie underwater feel; I can just picture everything. Bant's point of view was very realistic. The ending was haunting.

 

Such a beautiful, evocative piece, my dear. Breathtaking. I love the way Bant is ... somehow, not defined, and her uncanny ability to understand what's going, and the way she describes Tahl and Qui-Gon. <Shudders> She feels like a lost ghost-child. And her affection for Obi-Wan, and the way she thinks about Qui-Gon ...

Amazing!

 

Truly wonderful, this! There isn't enough written about the women of SW. I look forward to the next one. As for suggestions other than those you are already considering: Luminara Unduli, Bariss(spelling?) Offee, Depa...

 

Ack, sorry it's taken me so long to reply to these! I went back to college, and my life crashed. o.o

Persephone_Kore: Aw...you're always so kind to me. I'm really happy you liked my Bant. I spent a lot of time angsting over her. She's one of those characters I've always liked well enough, just never honestly much considered. Getting into her head was very interesting. She's become very dear to me.

And, her nonhumanness! I always have such a hard time writing characters that aren't human. Actually, um, I have a hard time writing females, too. Thank you for the reassurances.

anakin_luver: *grins* Consider yourself PM listed. And, oh--no, you got it just fine. I left that bit particularly vague on purpose...I mean, it would be presumptious of me to kill off Bant! I thought that part was best left to the reader's interpretation: maybe she's drowning herself, maybe she's waiting to face her fate. Hey, maybe she's waiting to drag some clones into the lake. *shrugs* She's far too classic a character for me to fate. Thank you so much for such a kind review!

leia_naberrie: *pulls you up*

___Sithspawn___: Thank you! Bant can be very eerie, I think. She's always been Obi-Wan's little ghost.

Princess: Hee, oh, Bant really has some issues with Qui-Gon. It's no good sitting around all your life, thinking of what you should have said to a bunch of people who are dead. Thank you for such a sweet review! I always appreciate your opinion.

honour: Great suggestions! I'll definitely give Depa a shot, and I'd love to try Luminara. I don't know how well I'd write her though. Well, we'll see.

Next up...um. Well, I want to write Aayla, but Komari keeps trying to cut Qui-Gon with her shiny twin 'sabers. Go figure. But soon.

 

Title: Honey
Author: Charmisjess
Characters: Jocasta Nu, Dooku
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Ack, sorry this took so long! These things take longer to write than anticipated! I hope you enjoy this; I so adored writing Jocasta's POV.

Thanks again to Roo for beta, and again, lyrics and title belong to Tori Amos.

-~-

And I think I could leave your world
If she was the better girl
So when we died I tried to bribe the undertaker
Cause I'm not sure what you're doing
Or the reasons

You're just too used to my honey, now

-~-

It is as dark as the Coruscant night gets, and my often too-pragmatic heart is stirred with fears of haunting.

It all began with a sound, a soft clink, like fingernails on metal. I move through the abnormally darkened corridors of my Archives, particularly aware of the gentle weight of my lightsaber secure at my waist. A glowlamp sends creamy gold light flickering in front of my footsteps?a companion of meager substance, hardly enough to ease my suspicions.

I sense nothing. No disturbance near the holonet terminals, or over by the lines of shelves, where the holobook titles glow a soft blue. In this the barest of lights, I can only just make out the shapes of the busts in the corridor of the Lost Twenty.

I understand being alone far better than most. It is something I have had to come to terms with nearly a lifetime ago. It isn't the strange emptiness of the Archives that bothers me tonight, or the weighty darkness.
(Those qualities have always been my companions.)

A spider's thread of unease draws me closer. Something is terribly wrong here...

And there again is the tapping.

I ignite my lightsaber and bring it up in first guard.
(As he taught me.)

These are dangerous times. We can all sense it. The Temple rests on the edge of a blade, barely preserved from being torn between the powers. Everything about our lives has become precarious. The sanctity of this place has long ago been violated. I clutch my saber tighter, and wish again that I had thought to carry along a comlink.

Click-Tap. Click-Tap. Click-Tap.

It occurs to me that I would die to protect this library.
One foot's turn down the hall of the Lost. The feeling fills my chest up with burning. Something is moving.

And there.

There lingering by our most recent pedestal, a mirror image of the bust, excepting color and the illusion of softness stands Dooku.

Ridiculous.

I swallow hard and blink at the specter.

He seems as he always has, a picture of ease and steady grace in spite of his own impossibility. Near-black eyes study the bronzed ones with an air of appraisal, and his lips twitching up with mingled amusement and distaste. Evidently, he has been aware of my own presence for some time, for though he doesn't turn, he speaks. His voice fills up the dark air. ?Do you think it a decent likeness, Jo??

?You shouldn?t be here!? The words cross my lips unbidden, even as my body jolts forward. It doesn't make any sense. It has been years, years of war, that machine of history that had cut us eternally apart. And yet here he stands in my Archive, appraising a statue of himself, dressed just as I'd had last seen him, right down to the Jedi robes, the color of bloodied mud.

Has he simply slipped into his old tunics again, and crept into the Temple, unnoticed?

?No?? He queries, lightly. Inside there is a burst of energy, the wild desire to run for help, but I remain frozen, watching as his arm lifts, almost touches the regal shape of the nose on the bust, and then drops. ?Where should I be, then, if I?m no longer welcome in your beautiful library?? There is softness in his tone, almost hurt.

The pause is throbbing. For him, I can give no answer.

He knows that.

?You?re here to mock me.? I whisper slowly, beginning to shake my head in sick realization.

He looks dismayed. ?I?m here for tea.?

?You don?t like tea,? I swallow, warily.

?I?ve missed our talks.? His eyes meet mine, almost as if in a

 

Wow.

I liked Bant better, but that's probably because I'm inclined not to like Master Nu?and you made my feel poorly for her despite my inclination of dislike. Wonderful job!

Thanks for the read, Charm! Could you PM me when you update, pretty please?

-Misti

 

Thank you Misti! I will most definitely PM you when I update.

I've noticed a lot of people don't like Jocasta very much. I guess that's what she gets for being so mean to Obi-Wan in AotC. She's a funny sort of character though--very passionate, I think, once you get down past the grouchy exterior. She's seen a lot.

Thanks for reading!

 

Woah.

This was stunning, Jess. I read it three times to take it all in again.

Stale silence.

?You?re a hallucination.?

?Of course I am.?

My eyes moisten. ?A dream??

?So stop trying to fix me.?

Somehow, this makes nothing better. Frustration bubbles over, but not anger this time. ?What do you want from me, then? What do you want me to do??

?I want you to let me go.?

*sniff* I'm sad for both of them, here... Jocasta does want to fix him, but it's too late for them both. I would have never thought of writing Jo, but as usual, your story here cast a different light on her. Like you said, she's seen alot.

Once again, your choice of words is lovely. And the teacups...I remember something about Dooku loving roses, so the symbolism behind them is even more perfect.

I've had Dooku on the brain, lately, and as heartbreaking as this story was, I think it made my day. I could have sworn I commented on Underwater Thing, but apparently not...while I loved that one, this one is my favorite. Would you add me to that PM list, please? I'd be much obliged...

Wonderful work as always. I look forward to the next!

 

As an archivist myself I liked your story about Jocasta Nu

 

Star: Aww, thank you for such a beautiful review! You're very kind to me. I'm so glad you liked Jocasta--she's become very dear to me over the past few months. The character seems so calm and dignified, but she's so close to Dooku's failure, and must sense the history happening around her, that there's a kind of frantic energy under the character that is really fun to try to write out.

Thanks for reviewing!!

earlybird-obi-wan: Ah! That must be such a fascinating career! I'm glad you liked it; thanks so much for reading!

PM List
anakin_luver
MistiWhitesun
Star-Foozle

Let me know if you'd like off or on.

 

Do I need to ask to be on the PM list? Doesn?t that go without saying?


I do so much love this. It?s uncannily like a plot bunny I had for ?Of Like Mind? and I am delighted to see it written by someone else!

Will be back with more gushing but for now ----

 

So glad I popped into the Saga boards! What amazing writing. Your imagery and characterization is flawless.

The Bant vignette is so lyrically tragic. She really seems ghost-like, trapped beheath the surface of life and death.

And the Jocasta Nu vignette was mesmerizing. I loved the explanation for Kamino -- Dooku erased her data with her own access card. The Archives are her life's work: I see how betrayed she would have felt.

I guess if you were to come up with "themes" of a sort for these, the first would be regret and the second would be betrayal. Even Jocasta's dreams betray her, and betray her feelings.

These are marvelous. Fantastic! Looking forward to many more. (Aayla? please?)

 

Oh, Jocasta. *mourns*

You're the one who got me interested in her, you know. I'm not sure whether I have anything to say about her or not, but she was just... there... for me before you talked about her to me, and I read your stories about her. I never quite liked the theories that she was evil, or otherwise in cahoots with Dooku, but I can entirely buy your theory that he was a dear friend, and that if she suspected he had done anything she might have revolted against the idea too hard to consider that the records could be wrong. The ship usually doesn't work for me as a story's assumption, somehow, and yet I think I'd believe it if you wrote it.

I didn't understand that it was a dream until the end, though it makes so much sense, that she'd dream him after he died. I wonder still if there wasn't a vision-element.

I like your choice of details, setting the scene. The lightsaber, the creamy gold of the glowlamps, the soft light of the holobook titles. The way the busts are shadow-shapes.

I find myself wondering about Jocasta talking of precarious resting on the edge of a blade, because I think of that as referring to a sword, or at least a weapon-type knife, and a lightsaber is all edge and you can't generally rest anything on it. I wonder if it's got to do with the tools she used in archaeology, or older weapons, and then I realize that they'd still have regular knives for silverware and stuff probably (and briefly digress into wanting to write somebody in the GFFA using chopsticks, because why not?) and feel generally silly.

I keep wondering what the tapping is.

It's painful, the way you write the lines that hover uncertainly between appeal and mockery. And how she wavers between the interpretations.

Turns of phrase like "a slice away from sarcasm" that I'd never think of, and almost don't make sense, but mean and feel like what they mean.

I like that she hopes her memory hurts him too. It suits the mixture of feelings.

?That?s why I didn?t ever lose.?

The comment strikes an errant note in my mind.

You don't say....

I like the way she considers that maybe she should have given him the benefit of the doubt, and then the next thing he says sets her off, fuming through his list of grievances, and maybe she's mocking a little there, dismissing, but it's accurate too.

And he is making fun of her, just after, while she's still serious and fervent, but I think maybe it hit home, too. Only maybe not. Who knows with phantoms?

The offended "When?" when she says he betrayed her is so absurd, given all he's done, and so strangely appropriate.

I don't think I mean to kill him -- when she's just drawn her lightsaber on him. And then his teasing her about it, and it's such an odd image, him backing away with his hands tucked behind him.

When he walks onto the blade it's chilling, the details, the... gah. I don't even know what to comment on here, there's too much. His inviting her to kill him, that she can't, the echo of her breathing (part of the library, or part of the dream?), the walking forward and change in his expression, gasp, the friction -- should there be friction? But there's some resistance to the blade, some -- everything to the way he falls against her at the end, the terror and feeling the laughter, and then "offers her another handless wrist and straightens up" (and her thinking they were curled back) and then hiding them from her. And he's right, really, that he isn't her burden to carry.

The teacups are beautiful, and the roses (of course, roses, he'd have liked that they were roses, or maybe laughed) as thumbprints of blood are eerie and fit the way things have been twisted and hurt. The tea set sounds lovely, sketched with just a few images and simple words as it is. The details of the Coruscant night are good, warm smog and the beads of traffic. The hurt of the lost friendship feels so real too, that she remembers him fondly even though he's a Sith Lord, that she remembers how annoying he could be even though he was her fri

 

Darn you, Jess, what is WITH you and making me cry?! You write Dooku SO well, and Jo's conflicted feelings just made me ACHE.

 

Wow. That was really good. There are so many forgotten Jedi women in the Temple, it just isn't funny. Luminara Unduli, Barriss Offee, Depa Billaba, Stass Aliie, Shaak Ti, Aayla Secura, Bant... the list goes on and on.

 

I like, a lot. I liked Bant's entry better than Jocasta's entry (probably because I'm more attuned to Bant) but Jocasta's entry was so well written. the details, the descriptions, the pacing, the diction... all of it was perfect, as was the dialogue.

And Bant's entry so sad. Who are you doing next? Aayala and Kit? Or Luminara and Barriss? (Yes, those are suggestions)

 

oh man. the wait was well worth it!

that was amazing. you have some sort of beautiful gift to just suck me into each story from the very first word.

all i can say is that this piece just highlighted all that was Dooku...brilliant really, how my opinion of him has changed from reading this one post.

an immensely charming piece. loved every word of it.

 

Such sweet comments! I wish I had an update for you!

Leia: Ahhh, I don't know! I didn't want to presume!

And ack! I didn't mean to steal your bunny! Dooku bunnies are traitorous, I've noticed!

Thank you, dearie!

divapilot: You are whole new levels of kind. *hugs weakly* I'm glad you caught the betrayal aspect with Jo--she's so conflicted about all of this, I do rather feel for her.

Ooh, and yes, I want to write Aayla so badly! She is definitely on the list--I just need the perfect plot bunny. I have had a couple little nibbles for her, but she is such an extraordinarily lovely character, I want to be positive I have it before I try.

Thank you so much for reviewing!

Peeks: I'm so glad I could win you over to her. *shuffles feet and tries to pretend she hasn't been attempting that for some time*

Concerning the dream-versus-vision, I admit to making the line deliberately blurred. Well, here's how it goes in my crazy mind: everything she "dreams" is created by her own mind, so everything Dooku says is pretty much already in her head. But on the other hand, she is/was mentally linked with him at some point, so part of him is leftover, and maybe influencing. Also: little bits of Dooku in the atmosphere over Coruscant, perhaps. Isn't that a ghastly image?

I think the tapping is his foot against the statue. But it might just be her mind getting her attention.

Thank you for such a thought-out and involved comment. You always choose the most interesting aspects to comment on--I look forward to your opinions very much.

Best!Drea: Ahhhh--I'm sorry! *grin* Well, not too sorry. You make me all with the blushing and flattered. *hugs*

LuminaraFan4Evr: The female Jedi have long been one of my favorite things about the prequels. So many excellent, vibrant characters waiting to be explored!

Vivid_Scripts: Thank you much for the suggestions! I'm probably going with either of those next. I really appreciate the kind words--they really do make my day so much.

anakin_luver: You are so kind!! ^^ That's one of the best things I've been told, about your opinion of Dooku changing--he's given so little attention in the fandom for the level of complexity that the character operates on, and I'm so pleased I could direct you to it coherently. *hugs*

 

Honestly, I don't know why I hadn't already read and replied to these stories. There isn't enough fan fic out there about the minor female characters in the prequels, including the Jedi women. But I may as well make up for it.

Underwater Thing: I haven't read any of the Jedi Apprentice books, so I only know about Bant from the little fan fic I've seen with her. But here, I get the feeling she is a in a dark, (and yes) underwater place. As though she is so wounded that she has retreated not to heal, but simply to hide. But the things that wounded her are still with her, as is evident in her talks with her dead master, Tahl. I get the feeling that when she knew her, and Qui-Gon, she kept a lot of what she felt to herself. But not anymore.

Bant seems very childlike here, even though, if she was Obi-Wan's playmate, she has to be an adult. I got the feeling that she had been, well, his sidekick. His little ghost, as you said in one of your responses. And now she has become a ghost in truth, where she can't be seen, only leaving behind a stone so Obi-Wan can know she was there. Just as her voice in this story is like water, almost slippery, and hard to catch.

I didn't read the ending as her dying (Although the story is clearly set at a certain point in ROTS, so...). I saw it as ambigious and open ended, and I have to admit that I prefer it that way. That it ends with her counting.

Honey: Somehow, I had the feeling that when Dooku showed up in the archive in his old robes, he was already dead. Almost as if that was the only way he could be there, talking to Jocasta, once more. (Though since the previous story was set during ROTS, I had the feeling this one was as well.) But even though it turned out that Jocasta dreamed it, it felt, well, stronger than a dream to me. Almost a vision.

And yet-- It's interesting that, though Jedi usually have dreams that are about the future or serve as warnings, I saw this dream or vision of Jocasta's as just like a dream an "ordinary" person would have. It's where she is facing down her conflicted feelings towards Dooku, and telling him what she will never be able to tell him in life.

Also, this story is set at night, and I got a very dark, drifting night feeling from "Underwater Thing." And both characters are, though they might not know it, at the end of their lives.

And actually, I've always kind of liked Jocasta, even if she did snap at Obi-Wan. I think I just felt that she had to be more than what you saw of her in those few minutes in AOTC. It makes sense that Dooku would erase Kamino through her access card. I've heard people who are archivists say that she could never, never have done it herself, no matter what she felt for him.

There is a lot of history between those two, and I can feel it behind what they say to each other. And there are those happy memories, now stained by Dooku's turn, that are symbolized by the teacups. Jocasta breaks them because she knows she can't keep those memories anymore. Because, well, he did choose his side.

I'll be interested to see who you choose to write about next.

 

Ooh! Great idea! I don't think female Jedi get as much "screen" time as they deserve.

The Jocasta/Dooku one gave me chills!

 

You've converted me into a Docasta shipper!
And now the plotbunnies are breeding...

You also inspired me to write a fic about Bant's apprenticeship with Kit.

More, please?