Saga The Bane Of His Existence: 18 Obi-Wan and Anakin drabbles. COMPLETE.

Title: THE BANE OF HIS EXISTENCE
Author: Estora
Timeframe: Uhh...PT. And maybe into the OT.
Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, and others.
Pairings: Whatever comes up when the mood arises.
Genre: Canon and AU, humour, drama, drabbles.
Summary: A collection of 100-word drabbles about Obi-Wan Kenobi and his permanent headache. Ahem, I mean, his Padawan Learner, Anakin Skywalker. RATED K+ / G.
Notes: I like writing drabbles. They're fun and challenging. You won't anything too serious here. I can say here that every single drabble posted will be exactly 100 words. This is also being posted over at FanFiction.Net. That version will be exactly the same as this one, except I may occasionally drift into slash territory as a joke over there. Here is the complete and utter GENERAL and HET, K+ / G version. You may find the story at this link. There will not be a PM list for this fic, for which I apologise. I hope you all enjoy this collection of drabbles!
Notes #2: I am very open to suggestions, so if you've got any ideas you'd like to see, just tell me and I'll see if I'm able to write it! Thanks, guys, and if you have the time please leave a review!

Blanket Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

***


1. The One Time He Listens


"Can you see any crocs?" Anakin calls out, balancing precariously on the crumbling edge of the river. "This river's supposed to be teeming with them."

Moody and irritable from the bloody battle earlier and just plain annoyed at how carelessly Anakin dangles his life over croc-infested waters, according to the limited information they have on this Force-forsaken planet, Obi-Wan crosses his arms and scowls. "Why don't you throw yourself in and find out?" he grumbles.

"Okay," Anakin says simply, and throws himself in. The splash a moment later makes Obi-Wan start in horror.

"No, Anakin, I was only joking ?!"

 

2. A Slight Underestimation


"Obi-Wan?"

"Hush, Anakin, I'm thinking."

"I thought I recognised that pained expression."

"I've noticed you have become progressively ruder over the years."

"No, you've just become easier to make fun of."

"Anakin, now is not the time."

"Come on, Master. It's not too bad."

"Three hundred battle droids against two Jedi is 'not too bad'. Five hundred is pushing it."

"Master Windu took out over a thousand without his lightsaber once."

"Anakin, think about what you just said for a moment. That was Master Windu, and that was only a thousand. You led us directly to ten thousand."

"Oh. Oops."

 

3. Part Of The Plan


Obi-Wan knew he shouldn't have eaten that sandwich earlier.

"I can't believe you threw up on my boots."

"I can't believe you have the gall to blame it on me, Anakin. The fault rests solely on your shoulders."

Anakin scowled heavily. "Just because you have a weak stomach ?"

"Just because you 'piloted' that crate by pressing random buttons, rather!"

"Ah, I nearly forgot. Flying is for droids, right? But I landed us okay."

"Pressing random buttons does not a landing make."

"It was all part of the plan."

"That was part of the plan?"

"?It was a flexible plan."

 

4. Chancellorcide


Really, Obi-Wan thought, he was getting too old for all of this.

Waking up to find himself staring at Anakin's butt while dangling above a two hundred metre shaft, was, although certainly not the strangest position he had been in, not very welcome.

"Anakin, I'm slipping ?!"

Witnessing the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic lose his grip on Anakin's ankle to plunge into the black abyss with a blood-curdling scream was definitely not welcome.

Above him, Anakin swore. "Well, that's embarrassing."

Obi-Wan coughed. "Did we just kill the Chancellor?"

Anakin sniffed. "If anyone asks, we tell them Dooku did it."

 

5. This Weapon Is Your Life


"Where's your lightsaber?"

Anakin mumbles something and looks down, and Obi-Wan feels another migraine coming on.

"Anakin?"

"Can we talk about this later?"

"Without your lightsaber, there may not be a 'later'. Where is it?"

Anakin mumbles again. Obi-Wan stifles a long-suffering sigh.

"It would be nice if you could repeat that in Basic. I just don't see how you could have lost it. You had it last night and we haven't done anything between then and now."

It takes a few more tries, but eventually the truth comes out.

"You flushed it down the toilet?!"

"It was an accident!"

 

Anakin does get on Obi-wan's nerves in this!!!! LOVE IT!!!!

 

6. Nursemaid


"I'm dying."

Obi-Wan felt bad that he couldn't bring himself to actually feel bad about this.

Anakin grasped his Master's hand tightly, eyes wide with agony and fear. "Master, please don't leave my side. You won't let me die alone, will you? Please, Master, I don't want to die! I don't want to die!"

Obi-Wan patted the hand away and picked up a bowl of hot broth, forcing Anakin to drink it.

"Now, really, Anakin, it's just a bit of indigestion. If you hadn't scoffed the chilli dish down like that, you wouldn't be in this situation, now would you?"

 

7. A Bad Time For Confessions


"Master, I have to tell you something."

Usually Obi-Wan would be delighted that Anakin was finally opening up to him, but over fifty clones had died that day and he desperately needed to pee. His famous patience failed him.

"Anakin, unless you're about to tell me that you committed a hideous act of evil like genocide then secretly married Senator Amidala and knocked her up and are only confessing now because of the immense guilt, please move and let me pee."

Stunned silence. Obi-Wan pushed passed him.

When he came back out, Anakin was still there, looking anguished.

Obi-Wan swore.

 

8. Being Responsible


Anakin stared grimly down at a console readout. "All the escape pods are gone. Not one left on the whole ship." He looked up. "We're trapped."

Those were not the words Obi-Wan wanted to hear. "Can you land us?"

Anakin chewed his lip. "Master, do you really want to go back and tell everyone we dropped the Chancellor down an elevator shaft?"

"We? That was your fault, and I've taught you not to shirk from taking responsibility."

Beat.

"I am not taking us back. I'd rather die."

Another strand of Obi-Wan's hair screamed and flailed horribly as it turned grey.


(A sequel of sorts to Chancellorcide.)

 

9. The Other Time He Listens


"Master, do you think I have a good singing voice?"

The boy's eyes are so wide and naïvely hopeful that Obi-Wan just doesn't have the heart to tell his Padawan learner the truth, so he forces a smile. "Yes, Anakin. You have a lovely singing voice."

A week later, Padmé Amidala files a restraining order against a tone-deaf stalker who sings outside her bedroom window every night.

Thankfully, Obi-Wan manages to find and drag his deluded Padawan away before the Coruscanti police arrive with the arrest warrant.

"OOOOHHHH, COME WHAT MAAAAY! IIIIIII WILL LOOOVE YOOOUUU, UNTIL THE ENNND OFFFF TIIIIIIME?"

 

10. A Worse Time For Confessions


"Master, I have to tell you something!"

The middle of battle was not a good time to get a Bad Feeling. Obi-Wan nearly turned his lightsaber on Anakin but instead deflected a barrage of shots. "Anakin, unless you're about to tell me that you killed a village, married Senator Amidala then knocked her up, shut up because now is really a bad time for confessions."

A bomb exploded nearby, killing Force knew how many clones. Obi-Wan swore.

"That was?oddly specific, but funny you should bring it up because ?"

This time Obi-Wan did turn on Anakin with his lightsaber.

 

11. Lasting Consequences


Mace Windu was Unimpressed.

"You ? what."

Anakin flushed red and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Skywalker, are you trying to tell me that the Chancellor is dead, not because of Count Dooku but because you dropped him down an elevator shaft?"

In the end, the Council decided the official story would be that Dooku killed Palpatine before Obi-Wan and Anakin could rescue him, to save the integrity of the Jedi Order.

"I'll never be made a Master at this rate," Anakin moaned afterwards.

Obi-Wan tried to act sympathetically, but evidently failed because Anakin kicked his shin and stalked off.


(A sequel of sorts to Being Responsible.)

 

12. Nursemaid II


Someone was shaking him, rather rudely, out of unconsciousness. Obi-Wan tried to push the annoying someone away, but his arm felt like lead and wouldn't move.

"Master?"

Suddenly he wished he'd stayed unconscious.

"Master? Master!"

"G'way, An'kin?" he slurred, but Anakin hugged him tightly to his chest.

"Stay with me, Master! Don't follow the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm gonna get help for you!"

The incessant shrieking was getting louder, and Obi-Wan was sure his ears had started to bleed. "I'm not dying, Anakin," he managed to force out. "I'm just ?"

"DON'T LEAVE ME, MASTER!"

"?meditating."

 

13. Guidelines


Naturally, the Republic was in shambles, but no-one doubted the official story for a moment. Anakin became even more of a hero for killing Dooku, much to his own despair and guilt and to Obi-Wan's ? well, it was either disapproval or inappropriate amusement.

Meanwhile, a provisional government including of both Bail Organa and Padmé Amidala was quickly elected to look after the Republic.

This pleased Obi-Wan. He'd never much liked Palpatine.

"Now, if they're ever kidnapped by Grievous, please keep them away from elevators."

Clearly this was the wrong thing to advise, as Anakin's foot collided with his shin again.


(A sequel of sorts to Lasting Consquences.)

 

14. Food Poisoning


"Look, Master! I made dinner!"

This gives Obi-Wan a Bad Feeling, but he doesn't have the heart to turn down his proud fourteen year old Padawan's?uh, concoction, so he smiles, sits, and eats the chilli dish politely.

Afterwards, he doesn't feel too good, and he excuses himself to lock himself in the 'fresher where he discovers that Anakin didn't follow the recipe.

"Good Masters don't kill their Padawans, good Masters don't kill their Padawans," he chants in agony, and five hours later he finally emerges from the 'fresher.

This is the last time Obi-Wan ever eats anything Anakin makes.

 

15. Minor Structural Damage


Anakin was twelve when he decided to make tea for Obi-Wan for the first time. He'd seen Obi-Wan do it plenty of times before ? boil the water, put a teabag in a cup, and pour the boiled water in. It wasn't rocket science.

Obi-Wan trusted him with this small and relatively simple task, so he was justifiably horrified when their and four surrounding apartments managed to catch fire and burn down.

"Anakin, I don't ? just ? it's ? how?" Obi-Wan spluttered, mystified. Anakin shrugged.

"Making tea is hard, Master," he replied, and Obi-Wan face-palmed.

Needless to say, Mace Windu was Not Amused.

 

16. Selective Hearing


Padmé was doing a spectacular job of provisional Chancellorship, but her clothing rivalled the hideousness of Palpatine's office interior design, no doubt to distract everyone from her recent weight gain.

Obi-Wan coughed. "Is it just me or do you think Senator Amidala is looking a bit?heavier than usual?"

"My baby does not make her look fat!" Anakin hissed.

"I didn't say ? your baby?"

Anakin gaped, mortified with his slip. Obi-Wan stared.

"Anakin. Do I have to pretend I didn't just hear that?"

"Palpatine would have understood," Anakin muttered dejectedly.

"Shame you lost him down an elevator shaft, then."

"Shut. Up."


(A sequel of sorts to Guidelines.)

 

17. Not Quite What He Expected


The Afterlife, according to Anakin when he arrived, was boring.

Obi-Wan sighed with the serenity he'd built up over his years in exile and death. "Anakin," he soothed, "this is the Force. You are not supposed to be craving entertainment."

Anakin, who was acting very much Darth Vader at that moment, scowled. "Then what am I supposed to be doing, Obi-Wan?"

Death, it seemed, didn't dampen the impetuous, disrespectful personality. "Meditating. Finding your inner peace. That sort of stuff," Obi-Wan explained.

Anakin sniffled. "The Dark Side was more fun."

Obi-Wan quickly discovered it was possible to get migraines in death.

 

18. The Last Time He Listens


"It's over, Anakin! I have the high ground!"

"You underestimate my power."

"Don't try it!"

At this, Anakin pauses to evaluate the situation. For the barest moment Obi-Wan allows himself to hope ?

But Anakin leaps anyway, and Obi-Wan whirls his lightsaber to meet the Sith's knee, then the other knee ?

Except it doesn't happen like that. Anakin leaps higher than expected, avoiding amputation, and plunges his lightsaber deep into Obi-Wan's exposed back.

Pain overwhelms his senses. Lurching forwards into the superheated black sand, Obi-Wan doesn't hear himself scream.

Above him, Anakin laughs. "And you say I never listened to you."


***


Um, yeah. *Coughs* So, this is the end of The Bane Of His Existence. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what happened to this one. It was supposed to be humorous, intended to wrap everything up in compliment with the first drabble (The One Time He Listens), but as you can see I ended on an unintentional morbid note. Am I allowed to ask for reviews, or would that be chutzpah? At any rate, it's been a wonderful time writing these and I'd like to thank Jedi_QueenBee for taking the time to review!

 

(My apologies for the late review! )

I really enjoyed this set of drabbles, Estora! You write humour excellently and manage to pack a lot of punch into a hundred words. Poor Obi-Wan - it's a wonder he's still well and alive after all these headaches.

 

Just read it this morning, and I have to say that the humor was very welcome. I usually read angsty/dark stuff, but this was a great read in the morning. I could actually picture some of the ridiculous (albeit hilarious) situations Anakin got them into... and had to laugh aloud at a lightsaber getting flushed down the toilet...!

 

These were wonderful - other than Obi's death, of course - just wonderful! Sorry to be late to the party.

 

Oh, bully, you didn't post the two funniest ones here! Granted, they do allude to slash, so I guess you wouldn't be allowed to anyways...But these were just as funny here as they were on FFNet! I think my favourite of these ones is "This Weapon Is Your Life". XD Every time I read it I crack up. How is it possible for you to switch between humour and angst so easily?!?

~LL.