Saga - ST The Diary of a Very Whiny Darksider (Kylo Ren's diary for DDC 2024)

Title: The Diary of a Very Whiny Darksider (Kylo Ren's diary for DDC 2024)
Author: gizkaspice
Timeframe: TFA to TROS
Characters: Kylo Ren, his cat Blackie and mention of various others
Genre: Parody, Comedy
Summary: Are you bored and have nothing to do? Do you have work to do but would rather procrastinate? Consider reading the whiny adventures of Kylo Ren's daily life! Learn how life is so unfair to him, his daily routine in the First Order, his daily arguments with General Hux and his cat, Millicent, and all about his inter-dimensional adventures with his cat, Blackie amongst many things!

Author's Note: Written for the 2024 Dear Diary Challenge. Inspired by @devilinthedetails

Entry 1

Dear diary,

Yo.

It's me. It's Kylo Ren. KYLO, not "Kyle", not "Kyrie", but K.Y.L.O. Yes, I have to spell it out because your puny stupid little mind apparently fails to understand how to pronounce such a simple name.

................

Actually, when I say "your", I mean the fools at Spacebucks who REFUSE to write "KYLO" on my coffee beverage correctly. I have ordered ALL Spacebucks to close at Starkiller base because of this very nuisance I must encounter in my daily life while trying to get a beverage in the morning. It is unacceptable and I will not stand for it. They need to get their act together. I'm sure anyone can relate how infuriating it is to have your name written wrong on a coffee cup.

Well, enough about that. Let's try for a more...formal introduction....

Maybe next time. Now I'm all tired thinking about those enraging coffee incidents.

KYLO (not Kyle, damn it) over and out!

 

Oh geez. How I needed this right now. Kyle strikes me as 100% someone who overuses the word “triggered” and makes unnecessarily complicated demands, only to be mad AF when they get it wrong and says they’re canceling him for being too counter culture.

Looking forward to more.

 

Hilarious begin with KYLO. And with cats coming it sure will be one of my favorites

 

Thanks for reading! Yes, 100% that

Yes, it's KYLO. The cats are coming in the next entry right now.

Entry 2

I was about to write entry #2 in my shiny new Darth Vader-themed diary when I accidentally left it in the men's washroom. Luckily, Hux knocked on my chamber's door and gave it back to me.

"Here's your diary back, Ren. I didn't read it because then I'd have to go bleach my brain."

Well, GOOD! It's a diary, fool! A private, confidential notebook which will soon be filled with my day to day reflections of my past and present, secrets of the First Order, my deep philosophical musings, and the painful memories of my terrible childhood trauma.

Kudos for Hux for understanding how much my diary means to me and resisting the temptation of reading it. It really shows he's actually got some decency that I may have overlooked.

I ALMOST didn't want to throw him into an airlock and blast him into the nearest sun today, but he completely ruined my mood when he announced during a First Order meeting aboard the Finalizer that he has a cat named Millicent. An orange cat that matches his stupid orange hair. I swear he purposely tries to find new ways to tick me off. This cat is going to become my greatest arch enemy, I just know it.

Anyways...

I really need to keep a tighter grasp on my diary. I was sloppy today. I'm putting a tracking device on it immediately----that's what I should have done in the first place. This is top secret information I'm writing; it cannot fall in the wrong hands...

.....

I wish I had a cat, too. As a counter attack to Hux's stupid orange cat, just to clarify.

p.s: love you, grandpa. I'll try my best to write about you as much as I can, but there are so many infuriating things in my daily life I do not wish to drag you into. xoxo

 

Hux and a cat named Millicent. Arch enemy of Kylo? He should get a cat too.

 

Great tone here. You definitely have the whining down.

 

I just read about a Millicent birthday and facepalmed when the name cropped up here. Is she as immortal as her fur dad? Love the bizarre PS. I remember getting up in a speculation panel for the ST at a con and frankly saying that they needed to stop saying Darth Vader was behind Kylo Ren because Anakin Skywalker would never. And I was right that Kyle was delusional about that, which pleased me. I’d laugh at his Vader-themed notebook, but I’m cuddling Vader under my empire-print fleece blankie. Also, yes, I’m going to call this performative dork Kyle for now.

 

This is just too darn perfect; I really am laughing out loud whilst I read this! Genuinely hilarious, and such a great way of capturing Kylo's character! Really appreciate all the little touches, my favourite of which is the Vader-themed diary (and then the note to "grandpa" at the end of the last entry).

Thanks for making me laugh, and for the promise of more laughs throughout the year!

 

I'm finally coming around here for a review (as you probably noticed from my "likes" I pounced on this thread as soon as you posted it) and I laughed just as loud the second time around. Nobody, and I mean nobody, writes man-child Kylo like you, and seeing the inner workings of his mind... well, like Hux, I might have to bleach mine after this, but it's absolutely worth it.

I do hope we'll see Kylo in action inside Spacebucks at some point in this story.

Of course, the cats had to make an appearance sooner rather than later, and now that Millicent is here I know that Blackie can't be far... but what took the cake was Kylo's PS to "Grandpa". I sort of wonder if we'll see Vader interventions from beyond the grave/the netherworld of the Force in this diary, because somehow I feel that there should be!