"The Family Guy" Quotes Thread

Peter is trying to buy a drink from a little girl's lemonade stand with his credit card.

Little girl : But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card.

Peter : Oh, I see. Cash only, uh? No paper trail, uh?

(suddenly confrontational)

What're you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? Ex? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighbourhood? I don't think so!

(Proceeds to trash lemonade stand)

[image=http://www.familyguyfiles.com/epics/fulls/FG-210_7.png]

 

Stewie: "Shake me like a British nanny!"

 

I love this show, I hope they release DVDs or tapes or something. It's been a year since I last saw it (or whenever they cancelled it) so I can't remember many quotes.

 

They just released the first DVD, Vaderbait.

"Fat chicks need lovin too. But they have to pay for it."
-one of Peter's friends

Amazing.

 

The first season came out on dvd ast week.

 

Time to go check out Amazon and see how much...::cringes::

 

Peter: "I'll take 6 chicken fa-jite-as please."

 

Peter-( has to draw a naked guy in artclass) am i suppose to draw his penis?
Peter-(while sculpting a naked guy) am i suppose to sculpt his penis?
Peter-(while conducting a musical) am i suppose to conduct with my penis?

 

Stuey: "Damn you, Mother... You'll rue the day they pulled me from your wretched womb"


Something like that...

 

"Nothing says 'Obey Me' like a head on a stake." -Stewy

 

"Turn left at fork in road - In Soviet Russia, road forks you!"

Forgot to mention that the above quote was from the onboard navigation computer in Peter's luxury car. But you'd know that if you watched it as much as me.

Jae Angel

 

"Peter's excuses are lamer than FDR's legs."

*collective gasp*

"What? Too soon?"

-Brian

 

Peter:"China, I have something you want, but it'll cost ya... yes, that's right, all the tea."

Peter (speaking to a spectral image of the Pawtucket Patriot): So, if I walk through you, does that mean we've had sex or something?

 

Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ....Can't it be both?


[While trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn!
Peter Griffin: Rea...Really?

Peter Griffin: I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: We have the popular 'everybody poops", or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'.
Peter Griffin: Well, you see, we're catholic. . .
Salesman: Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you'.

Lois: What's going on?
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

Stewie: You! Cut my bread!
[waiter cuts his bread]
Stewie: Now cut my milk!
Waiter: Uh, sir, it's liquid.
Stewie: [slaps him] IDIOT! Freeze it, then CUT it! And if you ever question my authority again, I shall give you diaper duty! And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.

Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.

Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what..
Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you!

Tour Guide: Und as you can see Germany has such a rich and beautiful history, as depicted in your pamphlets. Questions?
Brian: Yeah, I got a question. In your pamphlet, there's a huge gap between 1939 and 1945.
Tour Guide: NOTHING HAPPENED! EVERYONE WENT ON VACATION!
Brian: But isn't that when Germany invaded Poland?
Tour Guide: DIDN'T INVADE--INVITED! THERE WAS PUNCH UND EVERYTHING! ASK POLAND!
Brian: This is part of your history and you can't deny it.
Tour Guide: [Shouting in German like Hitler]
Brian: Say, is that a beer house?
Tour Guide: Oh, ja! Amsterdam is renowned for its beer houses.

Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God's sake, does anyone wait to put an end to this nuisance.
[yelling]
Stewie Griffin: HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What?! You son of a-
[gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect


Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone.]
Peter Griffin: Oh my god! It's the Children of the Corn!

Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together!
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street!
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Get's out of bed and get's dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!!!!!!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert

 

Peter being sentenced by a jury.

Family reactions: "Oh no! Oh no! Oh NO!"

Kool-Aid Man breaks through the wall.

"Oh YEAH!"

 

flashback - lois' parents place Peter: hey anybody seen Peter Griffen, he said he would give me fifty bucks if i walked around naked! walks around naked for a bit
friends for lois' dad did any one tell peter not to swallow the wine?

 

Stewie: Tomorrow?s forecast, a few sprinkles of genius and A CHANCE OF DOOM!

[overly dramtic music plays]

 

"except for those freeloadin' Canadians"



















"Canada sucks."

 

"peter the last time you got this drunk, you asked the diplomat to china" "dong where is my automobile?"

 

Doctor: "It's a girl!"


Peter: "um, could you check again?"

 

That show was so great. it's really lame how it got canned after just two series.


"Dear MacGyver, enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip and a drinking straw, please save my dog."

-Stewie: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet!

-Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
-Meg: No.
-Glen Quagmire: Just checkin'.

 

After Lois gives birth to Stewie...

Doctor: Wait, there's more!

Lois: Twins?!

Doctor: No...a map of Europe.

Shows map of Europe with X's marked 'Bomb Here'

 

Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die?

Tour Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
-------------------------------------
Pawtucket Patriot: PETER GRIFFIN, come forward and give heed!

Peter: Hey pal, I don't swing that way!

 

I don't think I ever laughed as hard at that show as when we're shown why Peter doesn't trust giant chickens. It was so...random.

 

This isn't really a quote but one time they did this fake diamond ad. It's all in silhouettes and the guy gives the girl a diamond ring. You then see the girl going down and then the words:


She will pretty much have to.


Is that vague enough for the Mods ?