The George Carlin Quote thread

I was thumbing through my copy of brain droppings today, and decided I'd like to make this thread. I am aware that some but not all of his comedy is not exactly family friendly, so lets please star out complete words where needed, and not bring up any quotes that are too risque(sp?).

I'll start.

If lobsters looked like pouppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they're still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it's OK. Resteraunts that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on their shells: "Happy," "Baby Doll," "Junior." I defy anyone to drop a living thing called "Happy" in rapidly boiling water


BTW: If the mods think there is no way a George Carlin thread can be appropriate, lock away. Or better yet, PM me and I'll lock it myself.

 

"I think it would be great if you could make a guy's head explode just by staring at him."

"Am I the only one who ever noticed that The Lone Ranger and Tonto got their laundry done?"

"Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?"

"In America,anybody can be President. That's the problem."

 

Chickens are decent people.




The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

 

Theres a moment coming. It's not here yet. It's still on the way. It's in the future. It hasn't arrived. Here it comes. Here it is.........****! It's gone.

 

"If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would've made our arms shorter."

 

A graveyard always has to start with a single body. Unless the local people get lucky and there's a nice big bus accident in town

 

AWESOME thread.


"Do you know when a rancher rapes a sheep, why he does-so at the edge of a cliff?


It's so the sheep'll push back. *winks*"

 

"All the kings horses, and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty-Dumpty back together again. That's because there is no Humpty-Dumpty, and there is no God. Not one...no God...never was. Let me put it to you this way: If there is a God, may he strike this audience DEAD. Everyone alright? Everyone ok? Ok, fine, I'll raise the stakes. If there is a God, may he strike me DEAD. See...see...nothing happened, I'm alright, nothing happened...wait...I've got some pain in my hip...and my balls hurt...and now I'm blind--I'm blind...oops, I'm alright again, must've been Joe Pesci, huh? God bless Joe Pesci!"

 

?I would never belong to a group whose symbol is a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it?s me.?

 

"I'd crucify someone during halftime of the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! THE MONDAY NIGHT CRUCIFICTIONS! You'd have people tuning-in who don't even care about football!"


"How long has it been since we burned someone at the stake? WELL IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!"


"The evangelical, praise Jesus, send us an offering, HUMAN BONFIRE!"

 

OOoo, i like this thread. Carlin's my favorite stand up comedian.

Talking about abortion
How come when it's us, it's abortion, when it's a chicken, it's an omlette

another one of my fave's...talking about the pre-flight announcements on airlines

they say get on the plane, get on the plane, I say **** ***, I'm getting in the plane, Evil Kenevil can get on the plane


I got plenty more, but not too many are fit for a family board.


GO BUCKEYES!

 

"Spirituality: The last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are."

 

"'No Comment' is a comment."

 

"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music."

 

coveting creates jobs, leave it alone.

 

What is all this stuff about a kick being "partially blocked"? It's either blocked, not blocked, or deflected. Partially blocked is like "some-what dead."

 

"The difference between show business and a gang bang, is that in show business everybody wants to go on last."

"No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like."

 

the prayer dedicated to the seperatin of church and state is hilarious. i dont remember it fully, but its hilarious

the safety lecture monologue is also hilarious. "if there is a sudden change of cabin pressure...ROOF FLIES OFF!"

 

Regarding smoking in public: Suppose you were eating in a resteraunt and every two minutes the guy at the next table threw some anthrax into the air. Wouldn't you want to sit in a different section?