The Onion

Favorite Articles...Favorite Headlines....

Here's some of mine:

[Clinton] Feels Nation's Pain, Breasts.

CNN Deploys Troops to Iraq

Mr. T Releases 'Pity List '86'

God Kills Oral Roberts for Fundraising Shorfall

Soviets vote to Collapse

Drugs win Drug War

Clinton, Paula Jones square Off On Jerry Springer

HOLY ***T MAN WALKS ON ******G MOON!

Kennedy Slain by CIA, Mafia, Castro, LBJ, Teamsters, Freemasons

Studies finds that babies are surprisingly stupid

National Mood Ring Green

Secret Pac-Man Patterns Fall Into Russian Hands

MIT Scientists Have Three Sides of Rubik's Cube Complete

Berlin Wall Destroyed in Doritos-Sponsered Super Bowl Halftime Specatacular

Bleeping Two-Foot Tin Ball Threatens Free World (speaking of Sputnik)

Man Ventures Outside Hatless (1926)

WAR DECLARED BY ALL: (1914, WW1)
OTTOMAN EMPIRE ALMOST DECLARES WAR ON ITSELF
NATIONS STRUGGLE TO REMEMBER ALLIES

Earthquake Marks Least Gay Day in San Francisco History (1906, This is so Ironic Now).


Okay, that's just a couple. O and if you don't know what the Onion here is, you are stupid.

 

no links to adult sites, please.

I got too many faves to make a list.

 

Democracy flowers around globe after bombing of vietnamese village

Giant poster of Mao siezes power in China

FDR's remains to run for fifth term

Caring father resolves extremely minor domestic conflict

 

It's not really an adult site. Hey list some favorites anyway.

 

not an adult site?

The Onion® is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

18+ years = adult

 

lol

 

"18+years=adult"

Flawlessly logical.

 

Woops...never saw that.

 

I never saw that either...

 

Well I'm under that age and I still find it hilarious.

 

OMG! That site is so hilarious!

My faves:

-Haunted Tape Dispenser Unsure How To Demonstrate Hauntedness
-Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes
-Aging Pope 'Just Blessing Everything In Sight,' Say Concerned Handlers
-Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl
-New Old People Magazine Gives Old People Something To Read While Waiting To Die
-Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy
-Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People
-Hedonistic Orgy Marred By Exclusively Overweight, Middle-Aged Participants
-Area Man Just Wants Regular Haircut Without All The Frou-Frou
-Teacher Of The Year Awards 'A Fashion Nightmare'
-Man Ashamed Of Own Joy Upon Receiving New Mop Head
-Eight-Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina
-Elegant Funeral Ruined By Presence Of Hideous Corpse
-Babies Are Stupid

 

"Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying"
"Arabs, Israelis Sign 'Screw Peace' Accord"
"Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-to-Door Trying to Shock People"
"Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids"
"Starbucks to Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation"

#1 No-Longer-Funny Onion Headline: "Terrorist Extremely Annoyed By Delayed Flight"

#1 Most-Often-Cited-As-Real-News Onion Article: "Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children." (Seriously, I have actually seen people quoting what Rowling "said" in this article as "proof" the books are satanic.)

 

Yeah. You're all too young to think for yourself! Just where do you get off!?

 

Oh please. The Onion is hardly an adult site. Playboy.com is an adult site. The Onion is not.

 

Besides, what self-respecting adult would be seen reading The Onion? It's the most immature, sophomoric newspaper I've ever read (of course, I'm not saying that's a bad thing).

 

But it is.

 

Onions makes me cry

 

Does anyone actually like subscribe to it?

 

Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes
Death Star to Open Day Care Center
Insane Clown Posse Gets Ride To Concert From Mom
Kid Rock Starves To Death: MP3 Piracy Blamed
God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: 'No,' Says God
Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion- Clinic Attack
Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord
'I Provide Office Solutions,' Says Pitiful Little Man
NFL Star Thanks Jesus After Successful Double Homicide

 

I've always liked the one-line teasers for "articles" inside.

Two personal favorites:

Notorious B.I.G. Cremation Enters Third Week

and

Ebert Victorious

So wrong, and yet so funny...

 

Or how bout Kurt warner cheered on by wire haired man goblin(with a pic of his wife)
and u gotta love the editorials,, like "Man, i wish i was hungry"

 

I don't get the Ebert Victorious one. ??

 

How bout these:
New Remote Control Can Be Operated By Remote

Clinton Deploys vowels to Bosnia

General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags (then theres this picture of an Airbag going off saying: SORRY! You are not a winner. Try Again!

It's not a Crack House; It's a crack home.

Monk Gloats Over Yoga Championship: 'I Am the Serenest!' He Says.

Ugly Girl Killed: Nation Unshaken By Not-So-Tragic Death


Theres so many!!!

 

May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our fellowship to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to Harm None! Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or love potions to bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human lover or feline familiar, is unworthy of even the Hornéd God! The person thus ensorcelled is bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem without motivation of his or her own. This is but a mockery of love, and if non-Wiccans find that we have been practicing such strong and forbidden Magicks, their wrath would be kindled and the Burning Times upon us again! Wicca is not about power or control. Wicca is the sun on one's face, the breeze in one's hair, the mysteries of the stars, sun, moon and everything else that science cannot explain. Only by staying true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we harmonize with the ebb and flow of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we shall be exiled to the Dark Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren and sistren!

 

I don't get the Ebert Victorious one. ??

It was posted the week that Gene Siskel died...