Saga - ST The Pawful Truth (a 2021 holiday gift-fic for gizkaspice)

Title: The Pawful Truth

Author: Seldes Katne

Era: Sequel Trilogy, somewhere between the events of The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker.

Notes: This is being written for the 2021 Holiday Gift Fic Exchange. The prompt I received was:

The Pawful Truth​

The third time that Rebel base personnel reported Finn waking from nightmares while screaming about cats, a concerned General Leia Organa decided it was time to send one of her operatives in to deal with the problem.

“All right – what was it Rey named you again? Fluffy?”

The grey tabby meowed in acknowledgement.

“Right. Fluffy.” The general shook her head. Kids these days. No originality. “I need you to go work your magic on that young fellow. Think you can handle it?”

Fluffy sat up straight and meowed again.

“Good. Your assignment is help Finn work out whatever is bothering him. When he’s distracted, Rey gets distracted, and I really need her to keep up her Jedi training. Report back when you’ve made progress.”

~*~*~*~​

Fluffy had discovered that the direct approach was ineffective, and indeed seemed to make the situation worse. Her presence apparently bothered Finn just as much as his nightmares. Every time he saw her, Finn executed an abrupt turn (twice into a wall) and hurried in the other direction.

Finally, Fluffy enlisted some help.

The next time Finn had his nightmare, Fluffy quickly woke Poe Dameron, who pushed himself out of bed, grumbling, to see what was wrong. Fluffy scurried straight to Rey’s quarters and woke her too. When both Humans entered Finn’s sleeping area, Fluffy slipped in behind them and crouched in a corner, watching while they persuaded Finn it was time to talk about whatever was troubling him.

“Dreams are a way of the brain telling you there’s something that needs to be addressed,” Rey said. “If you talk about whatever it is, you’ll get it out of your head and into the open where you can deal with it.”

Poe gave her a puzzled look. “Is that a Jedi thing?”

Rey thought for a moment, then smiled. “It is now.”

“Okay,” Finn said finally. “Okay, I’ll tell you about what triggered the dream, but I have to warn you, it’s not pretty. I keep flashing back to my time as a stormtrooper, when I first officially joined the ranks of the First Order. You know I was in the sanitation department, right? Well, at one point I was assigned to clean in the Supreme Leader’s quarters and – and – it was horrible!”

“What did you see?” Rey leaned forward; Fluffy padded out of the corner and peered over Rey’s knee at Finn.

“I saw… I saw… a pair of… golden slippers. And the fronts of the slippers were – were – cat heads!” He pointed at the kitten. “Like his!”

Rey carefully picked Fluffy up. “It’s ‘hers,’ actually,” she corrected him gently.

Finn blinked. “How can you tell?”

Rey and Poe exchanged puzzled, do-you-want-to-explain-it? glances. “Uh—” Poe began.

“Size of the stripes on her fur,” Rey finished hastily. “Her name is Fluffy.”

Poe cleared his throat. “Um, no offense, Finn, but a pair of slippers doesn’t really seem so bad –”

“Trust me. It wasn’t just the slippers.”

~*~*~*~​

FN 2187, who had been focused on vacuuming the bedroom floor, looked up from the cat slippers and stared around in growing realization at the rest of the room. There were cats everywhere. Pictures on the walls. A holo-projector on a side table showing short video clips of cats walking, jumping, sleeping, grooming, chasing a red dot around an invisible room. A cat bedspread. Pillowcases with cat stripe patterns, with pointy cat ears sticking out of the tops. On another side table, a pair of headphones sported cat ears as well.

Nervously, FN 2187 peered into the bathroom. A cat shower curtain hung to one side of the bathtub; the bathmat depicted a curled-up tan cat. The sink displayed a cat-shaped soap dish and toothbrush holder. The knob on the medicine cabinet was a silver cat head.

FN 2187 bolted through the living area (a wall sign that read “Cats Welcome, Others Tolerated” hung over a cat light switch plate) and into the kitchen. The theme continued: cat-shaped cookie jar, refrigerator with cat magnets, salt and pepper shakers (white cat for salt, black for pepper, of course), even measuring spoons with cats’ ears and faces. He began doing breathing exercises to keep his composure.

The cupboards revealed ceramic plates with cat graphics and a mug that read “Everything tastes better with cat hair.” A spatula with a cat’s head and face. Even the dishtowel had cats embroidered on it. The wall clock was a cat’s head and body; the tail and eyes swung back and forth while keeping time.

~*~*~*~​

“That clock was downright creepy, but do you know what the scariest part of the whole thing was?” When Rey and Poe both shook their heads, Finn stated, “The cat underwear.”

“I don’t even want to know,” Poe assured him. “How did the First Order choose you to work for Snoke? Did he see you through the Force? Did someone in command have it in for you?”

“Actually, I think the ship’s computer just ran a random numbers generator, and my designation popped up,” Finn replied.

“Oh.”

~*~*~*~​

After his official assignment to Snoke’s staff, Finn attended his first briefing.

“You will begin your new assignments by reading this document!” Snoke announced, gesturing to a table. A dozen copies of The Complete Guide to Our Friend, the Cat! were neatly stacked on top. “You have one week!” he declared. “And there will be quizzes!”

~*~*~*~​

“Were there quizzes?” Rey asked.

“Oh, yeah. And they were brutal.”

~*~*~*~​

Snoke was seated in his throne room, listening to a report from a fleet captain on supply chain issues when he suddenly snapped his fingers and told the startled captain to be quiet.

“Pop quiz!” he chortled, pointing to Stormtrooper JO 5107. “You! What’s the proper term for a group of cats?

Startled, JO 5107 stammered, “Uh, er, a, a shadow? Sir?”

Snoke sneered at him. “Wrong!” He pressed a button on the chair arm, and JO 5107 shrieked as the floor opened up under him. He dropped out of sight, and floor sealed up again.

TN 2216 cleared his throat. “Ahem… Excuse me, sir, but a ‘shadow’ is actually a group of nexu, which are felines, so technically JO 5107 was correct.”

Snoke rolled his eyes. “Never correct me with facts.” He pressed the button again and TN 2216 dropped through the floor. Then Snoke turned to FN 2187. “Your answer?”

“A – a group of cats is called a clowder. Sir!”

Snoke nodded. “Good. Very good. Someone did the reading assignment.” He stared thoughtfully at the other stormtrooper. “Now, what to do with you…. On the one hand, you didn’t actually answer the question.” He rolled his eyes. “On the other hand, training new staff is so tedious….” Finally, he shrugged. “Very well,” he muttered, waving a hand. “You are spared. But your assignment is now to write out the entirety of Chapter 15 in The Complete Guide to Our Friend, the Cat!.”

“Yes, sir! Thank you, sir,” the other stormtrooper replied.

“Ten times,” Snoke finished. FN 2187 knew from his reading that Chapter 15 was 47 pages long.

“Uh, sir, yes sir,” the trooper responded with considerably less enthusiasm. “Thank you… sir.”

~*~*~*~​

Rey asked carefully, “Where did the trap door lead to?” By now Fluffy was settled on Rey’s knee, almost within touching distance of Finn, who seemed to have calmed considerably.

“I’m not sure Snoke really knew or cared where people went when he opened the trap door,” Finn told her. “After I was re-assigned to sanitation, I found three of those ‘vanished’ troopers camping out in the maintenance tunnels. They had bedrolls and a cook stove and stacks of flimsy-printed novels – a whole set-up.” He grinned suddenly. “They were burning copies of The Complete Guide to Our Friend, the Cat! for fuel in the stove.”

“What happened to them?” Rey asked.

“The stormtroopers? I think they just hid away in storage containers and were carried off the ship at one of our stops. I got a postcard from one of them later – ‘Good time on Hosnia Prime, wish you were here’.”

“You gotta be kidding me,” Poe remarked. “How many troopers did this guy go through?”

“A lot,” Finn assured him. “Seriously, a lot. And it wasn’t just troopers, either.”

~*~*~*~​

Two weeks after starting his new assignment, FN 2187 stood at attention during an exchange between Snoke and a Chagrian geneticist. They were, naturally, discussing cats.

The geneticist leaned forward on the viewscreen. “There are 143 species of cats in the galaxy!” he declared. “We are using the most modern genetic techniques to identify species characteristics –”

“Enough! Snoke bellowed. “I won’t hear any more of your nonsense!” He turned to one of the Praetorian Guards. “Have him assassinated immediately,” he ordered, snapping off the comm. Then he focused on the stormtrooper directly in front of him. “You! How many breeds of cats are there in the galaxy?”

“There are 157 breeds of cats, sir!” the trooper replied.

Snoke nodded. “Very good. You and your companion may take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“How did you know that number?” FN 2187 asked as they walked out of the chamber. “I don’t remember that in The Complete Guide to Our Friend, the Cat!.”

“It’s not in the book,” the other trooper replied. “This is just the fourth time I’ve heard this conversation.”

“And did all of them end like …?”

“Yup. I’m betting there’s a lot of geneticists and biologists considering an immediate career change.”

~*~*~*~​

“So, how many cats did Snoke actually have?” Poe asked.

Finn shook his head. “None.”

“None?” Rey asked.

“None,” Finn repeated.

Rey and Poe looked at each other, then back at Finn. “So, this guy was a major cat fanatic, but didn’t own a single cat?” Poe said.

Finn gazed at him solemnly. “He’d have had you dropped down the chute for suggesting anyone could own a cat instead of the other way around, but yeah, he didn’t have any of his own.”

Rey shook her head in disbelief. “Why not?”

~*~*~*~​

“Supreme Leader Snoke,” General Hux intoned. “It’s an honor to have you aboard, sir.”

“Yes, yes, enough with the pleasantries, General,” Snoke said, waving a dismissive hand. “Have you arranged the meeting?”

“Of course, sir.” Hux stepped aside to reveal a plump ginger cat wearing a trim black military cap with an upturned brim and a jaunty blue feather. “Supreme Leader Snoke, this is Millicent. Millicent, this is Supreme Leader Snoke.”

Millicent blinked up at the taller being. Snoke bent down. “Millicent, it’s pleasure to finally meet you in person. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.”

“Millicent rules!” shouted four members of the honor guard. Hux scowled at the crowd. Off to one side, Captain Phasma did a face-palm.

“And your fan club, apparently,” Snoke added dryly. Millicent rose to her feet and circled Snoke, sniffing the air and delicately running her tail around the Supreme Leader’s robe at knee level. Then she shook herself.

Hux cleared his throat. “Sir, if you’ll follow me, we’ve arranged a formal dinner to –” Snoke began blinking rapidly “– commemorate this historic meeting –” a distressed look passed over Snoke’s face “– between you and Millicent.”

“Ah –” Snoke said.

“Supreme Leader?” Hux inquired.

“Ah –”

“Sir?”

“Aaachoooooo!” Snoke responded.

~*~*~*~​

Rey and Poe burst out laughing. “He was allergic?!” Poe managed finally.

“Yeah! Can you believe it?” Finn was grinning broadly.

“I almost feel sorry for him,” Rey said. “Almost.”

“And then I realized this was my chance to get out of this assignment, so I started pretending to sneeze. Every time Snoke did it, so did I. We must have gone on for five or ten minutes, back and forth. By then Hux had dismissed everyone else – he couldn’t get them out of there fast enough.” Finn sobered. “I think Phasma might have suspected something, though, because she started keeping an eye on me after that.”

“But you’re not really allergic to cats, are you?” Rey asked.

“No. That was all for show. And now that I’ve time to hang around with Fluffy, here –” he reached over and carefully stroked the kitten’s head “– I guess my fears weren’t about cats so much as the association between cats and Snoke. There was something seriously wrong with that guy.” Fluffy stepped down off Rey’s knee and hopped up into Finn’s lap.

“No argument here,” Rey murmured. Fluffy meowed in apparent agreement.

“I think that was the only time Supreme Leader Snoke met Millicent in person,” Finn remarked. “And after that I was reassigned to sanitation. Which is a good thing, because I don’t think I could have coped with another session of Cat Poetry Jam….”

~*~*~*~​

“Well done, Fluffy,” General Leia Organa said later that day. “You’re turning out to be an excellent therapy cat.” Then she shook her head. “I still can’t believe Rey chose the name ‘Fluffy’. However, I don’t suppose there are many cute, furry creatures on Jakku, so perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised.” Fluffy purred happily in response.

“So,” the General continued, “are you ready for your next mission?”

~ End ~​

Author’s note: Season’s Greetings, @gizkaspice! I hope you (and everyone else reading) find this story amusing.

All of the cat lovers out there have probably guessed that all the items mentioned in the story are available right here on Earth, as I discovered when I was researching cats for this piece. I’ll spare everyone the long list of links. (My current favorite is the “Cats Welcome, Others Tolerated” sign….)

Fluffy and I wish everyone a happy, healthy holiday season, whatever you’re celebrating!

 

Oh my. I was totally not expecting this to be so hilarious. This magnificent piece truly deserves a spot in the "Chronicles of Millicent stories" with all its cat glory.

Leia has a whole cat agent recruitment system going on and I love it!

LOL! Sexual education is non-existent in the First Order but we already all knew that with Kylo's cat-butt identification problems.

Snoke's cat-themed room definitely makes Hux's cat-themed room laughable in comparison and the cat underwear is the cherry on the cake Or maybe Snoke secretly steals all of Hux's cat item deliveries

There will be quizzes!!! Those must be fun.

I mean, Snoke absolutely seems like the type of villain who has a trap door where he can send poor minions into who knows where!

OMG!! A Millicent cameo appearance!! And she has a little hat!? With a jaunty blue feather, too!? Oh my. She is truly the cat fashion queen!

Millicent rules!! Phasma's face-palm! Snoke's cat allergies!! This story is literally packed with everything imaginable and unimaginable and it's awesome and full of cat goodness! I was totally not expecting something this fun and creative and it was a joy to read and totally made my day.

Thank you so much for writing this as my holiday gift-fic--I absolutely love it and I can tell you had a lot of fun with it

Will there be more cat stories with Fluffy in the future?

 

Funny story and a great gift

 

Which presumably comes with a cat-shaped trophy. I can start my own collection of cat stuff!

It seemed logical. I mean, it can't just be Blackie....

Well, that would explain a lot. Maybe FN 2187 can shed some light on this.

Yeah, this one ended up going over the top. It was a blast to write, though.

You're welcome. I'm glad it fulfilled your wish. I went back and forth between this one and the Mandalorian wish (because, you know, aliens), but this one almost wrote itself once we got rolling.

It's possible. Stranger things have happened in the GFFA.

(Good lord, a whole thread of Therapy!Fluffy stories. We might all need mental health consultation after that. )

Thank you. Like most authors, I'm pleased when readers enjoy my work.

 

Oh my, I never knew there was so many variations on a cat themed room, and pop quizzes.