Saga The Rise of Skywalker Humorous Version-SPOILERS!!!

WARNING: SEX HUMOR AND SPOILERS FOR THE RISE OF SKYWALKER AND POSSIBLY ANDOR S2 AND OTHER GENERAL SW SAGA SPOILERS AND POSSIBLY DC/MCU!!!

TITLE: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER HUMOROUS VERSION
SUBTITLE: THE RISE OF SKYRIM
RATED PG-13
LENGTH: AN ENTIRE SHOOTING SCRIPT
PLOT: A SCAVENGER, A FORMER SMUGGLER AND A FORMER STORMTROOPER GO ON A QUEST TO FIND A MCMUFFIN WHICH LEADS TO ANOTHER MCMUFFIN, THEN TAKE ON THE RESURRECTED UMPEROR PALPITATINE HIMSELF.
Notes: The Subtitle does not mean to imply a woman of ill repute in any way. 'Streetwalker' is just the parody name invented waaaay back in 1999 for 'Skywalker'. So I changed it to Skyrim after the game 'Skyrim Legends' to avoid charges of hate speech or sexism. So from now on Marcus Streetwalker will be referred to as Marcus Skyrim to avoid controversy. All other parody names remain the same. This thread is open to other authors as it will be Round Robin once I transfer it to theforce.net. I know many of you hate this movie and would love to take a crack at parodying it. I hope publishing this generates or revives interest in working on the Sequel Trilogy Humorous Versions. The Prequel HV's are done and the OG HV's are nearly done.

In time, on tf.n thread, I may provide a list of links to complete and incomplete Canon HV's, sooner or later.
God bless, and may the Force Be With you.
Brent "study888" Sohlden
May 26, 2025 4:37 AM CDST


A long time ago in a galaxy....

SC 01 EXT SPACE

A vast sea of stars ...oh, you know the rest....

STAR
WARS
HV's

EPISODE IX
THE RISE OF SKYRIM

FEAR THE TALKING DEAD! THE GALAXY HAS heard a SCARY broadcast, a THREAT OF THE REVENGE OF THE BITH, in the SINISTER VOICE OF THE LATE UMPEROR SHEEV PALPITATINE.

GENERAL LEE SMITS OFF dispatches TWO JEDI KNI-er, secret AGENTS to settle the conflict, er, to gather intelligence, while RAINBOW, the last hope for the JEDI, trains for battle against the diabolical THIRD ORDER.

MEANWHILE, unbeknownst to them but knownst to us, SUPREME CREMEPUFF of the Third Order KINDOF THIN rages in search of the Phantom Menace, er UMPEROR., determined to destroy any threat to his power.... (Notice, FOUR DOTS, not 3 at the end of the crawl! Is the story going to continue?)









If you can read this -

BEL MOOKS: study, you already used that joke in another HV.

study3600: Oh, yeah, erm, right.

 

https://genius.com/Star-wars-episode-ix-the-rise-of-skywalker-script-annotated

The Rise of Skywalker Shooting Script

The crawl finishes. Pan down the starfield. Three Third Order BOWTIE FIGHTERS race across the camera (yes there is a camera, even though this is a NES and not a movie) and soar to a Star Whacker as it hovers in front of the planet Mustafarfaraway.

SC 02 EXT MUSTAFARFARAWAY- CARFAX FOX FEN FOREST - DAY

In Carfax Fox Fen, the forest of scorched iron (they sure don't look iron to me) trees on the planet surface (of fr****** lava???????), small fires lick the ground and charge trunks. Why this forest didn't burn down millennia ago is anyone's guess. It shouldn't even BE here! SUPREME CREMEPUFF KINDOF THIN, alias BEEN-THERE OFF, now 30, uses his brightsabre to cut down Mustafarfarawayan warriors known as the AZTEC OF WITLESS wearing helmets outfitted with glowing yellow lights resembling eyes (How do they see?). With THIRD ORDER STORMTROOPERS easily taking down the natives with blasters (that's NOT how asymmetrical warfare works. It's not just that easy plus they have homeland advantage), Kindof Thin runs straight to the warrior, cutting his head off, and then slices down a thin burning tree, causing it to fall on three more, then impales three warriors at once on his red crossguard blade. He generally opens a can of whoopa** on the remaining GUARDS, then swims through the swamp and slays the Swamp Beast and takes the Wayfinder as he pleases. after all he's the fri**** Supreme Cremepuff. The camera zooms in at the device.

SC 03 EXT SPACE

Kindof Thin's Silent But Deadly, being steered through a red nebula. Kindof seems determined when he reaches his destination.

SC 04 EXT LAXITIVE-DESERT-DAY (SURE IT'S NOT NIGHT? IT SURE LOOKS LIKE NIGHT!)

The enormous Bith Temple comes into view, shrouded in darkness and lightning. The sounds of groaning from indigestion and upset stomachs can be heard, THIN leaves his ship, draws his brightsabre and activates it as he walks to the temple's opening. Brief cut to black. A hexagonal platform is lowered down into the catacombs of the planet. A familiar ominous voice fills the air....

PALPITATINE: The Supreme Chancellor has notified me of the situation. There is a question of procedure, but I'm sure we can overcome it. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. The negotiations haven't started because the ambassadors aren't there? How can that be true? If you will not be turned then you will be destroyed. You have become a rival. Let the gears of Democracy turn for now. Execute Order 66.

THIN seems uneasy. He walks through the darkness as Palps continuously mutters lines from previous SW media to himself. Finally he says:

PALPITATINE (CONT'D): Snot trained you well.

KINDOF THIN: I picked Snot out of my nose,,,,and ate it. I'll pick you and rub you on the bottom of my shoe.

PALPITATINE: That's gross. Anyway, my boy, I made Snot. (Takes a tissue, blows his nose).

VOICE OF BIG BIRD: I have been every voice.

VOICE OF PORKY PIG: You a bel a be bel a ba have ever heard

VOICE OF DONALD DUCK: Inside your head.

PALPITATINE: The Third Order was just the beginning. I will give you so much more.

THIN: You'll die first.

GHOST OF MANAKIN SKYRIM: Uh, near grandnephew, you're forgetting your basic history. He already DID die!

KINDOF THIN: Oops, my mistake. Show me the power of the Dark Side.

MANAKIN: Uh, Palps just basically told you that I WAS NOT the one telling you that when you used my skull as a Dark Side Relic. It was Palps. I belong to the Light.

KINDOF: Then begone. I serve the Dark. No I don't serve it, I'm Master of the Dark.

MANAKIN: Just leaving.

PALPITATINE: The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be.....

A timer goes off. A Sith Acolyte goes and gets a tray of Raisin Muffins out of the oven.

PALPITATINE: .......yummy. Want one?

KINDOF THIN: What could you give me?

Lightning illuminates thousands of shelves of........peas.

PALPITATINE: And this.....

He spreads his mangled fingers-his whole body is mangled-

PALPITATINE: A new Umpire.

THIN: But we have a Third Order.

PALPITATINE: I said a new Umpire, dammit!

On cue, thousands of Star Whackers, each bearing a planetkilling weapon break through the icy surface of LAXITIVE.

PALPITATINE: The might of the 0rder 99- The Final Order will soon be ready. It will be yours to Execute if you do as I ask. Kill the girl! End the Jedi... and become what your near granduncle Vacuous could not. You will rule all the Galaxy, but beware....she is not who you think she is....

KINDOF: Who is she?

PALPS: (Smiles) Let's just say all the fan theories on the Internet are wrong........

Cut to black.

Spoiler: Next Scene Pointer

Next Scene Millinnium Bug or Fountain, Potato, Fun and Chunky playing holochess

Just a reminder to all that this is Round Robin, or an add on or collaborative work and all are invited to post parts of this story, just keep it consistent with the other HV's, keep the same parody names that are established in the other HV's or if it is unnamed, make it up, and keep it in Script Format, in the present tense because that's the way Speak began to write it. Have fun! Looking forward to see what y'all can come up with!

And remember that we are following the story of The Rise of Skywalker, so let's not take this story off in some goofy new direction til it's unrecognizable. There is that danger.

If you wish to stake out scenes or suggest ideas, you may ask to be added to our group HV planning pm for those purposes. Belonging to our group pm is NOT a condition for posting on this thread.