Saga "THE STARR WORS" - (from the Beautiful Mind of a retarded squirrel)

I've been doing too many serious things lately. I need to get back to my roots.
No proofreading, no planning ahead, no queve of chapters, no character developement, no well-rounded OCs, no moments of lucidity.
...This is probably not a good idea.

---

[b]Title:[/b] [i]"Lady and the Tramp"[/i] or [i]"Mr. Jeeves Takes the Train"[/i] (aka THE STARR WORS [ - U.S. import title])

[b]Author:[/b] Don't look at me. It was...uh...that guy. I swear.

[b]Timeframe:[/b] ESB, opening scene, first take, no rehersals, Bollywood stand-ins only.

[b]Characters:[/b] Everyone from ESB, but in ways you'll never want to see 'em.

[b]Keywords:[/b] Luke/Leia, Han/Jabba, 3PO/Fett, Lando/Mothma, Chewie/Yoda (have I completely disgusted you out of reading this yet, or should I go on?)

[b]Summary:[/b] Imagine "Star Wars" Imagining it? Is it everything you remember from your childhood and more? Yes? Good. Now imagine Hitler crawling out of his grave, lurring "Star Wars" into his house with candy, molesting "Star Wars," and then handing it back to you with glasses and a goatee scribbled on its front. This fic is kinda like that. In other words, it is an insane, INSANE parody of "Star Wars", randomly beginning with ESB.

And don't worry, Hitler will not be involved.


Now, ON WITH THIS TRAVESTY!!

[hr][hr]
[b][hl=black][color=yellow]THE STARR WORS:
Episode 85: ...[/color][color=black]
..................
.......[/color][color=yellow]...[/color][color=black]........
...................[/color][/hl]
////We appologize for the delay. Please be patient as we think up a subtitle for this instalment of THE STARR WORS! thank you///[/b][hr]

[b][hl=black][color=yellow]Episode 85: [/color][/hl]
...The Empire Strikes Back! [/b](...Nah. been done)[b]
The Empire Strikes Back AGAIN! [/b](Meh.)[b]
The Empire Smites Brak?
The Empire Shoots Crack?
The Empire?s Broke Back?
The Empire State Building?
The Umpire Strikes Three?
Lucky Strikes can Cause Cancer?
The Empire?d Like a Snack?
The Emperor?s Tights are Black?
The Entire Bottle of Jack?
The Attack of the Hack?
The Donalds of Mac?
The Emperor Likes Your Six Pack?
[/b][i]?Hey there stud, what?s happenin??? *wink*[/i]
(quiet, you)[b]
The? [/b](damn it I give up)[b]
The, I don?t know, The?Dudes Do Stuff In Retaliation.
Good enough.
[hr][hr]
[hl=black][color=yellow]THE STARR WORS:
Episode 85:
[i]The Dudes Do Stuff In Retaliation
[/color][/hl][/b]


[blockquote]
It was a time of things. Things that happened. The PEOPLE were desperately in the middle of trying to be desperate. Meanwhile, the DUDES were up to stuff. Stuff that they were planning. In retaliation.

THAT GUY from the other one, you know?the Guy, he and the other People went somewhere after doing that thing to the THING, during that one thing that happened.

Now that OTHER GUY is doing something in order to make something happen for some reason, which he hopes to unleash somehow, at some point, on the People, maybe. He searches the place to find them for some purpose.


That?s what I hear, anyway. I could be wrong.[/i][/blockquote]


LOCATION: [i]The Hyperspace lane between Coruscant and the Hoth System. 0800 hours. (rush hour)[/i]

The Dark Lord held a still, stoic pose over the enormous viewscreen at the front of the Bridge. His towering presence looked like an alter of Evil, adorning the ship?s overlook like Christmas decorations. [i]Evil[/i] Christmas decorations. Other officers scampered by acting busy, talking in hushed, clipped tones.

He ignored them. The Dark Lord of Evil Christmas stood there and beheld the great Epic before him. The grand space opera that was Hyperspace, in all its blue, thinly-veiled-metaphorical glory. And this man. This man machine. This machine. Of death. Nay, of [i]ruination[/i]. He was Darth Vader, the greatest, most terribly evil thing to ever exist, ever, with the exception of only Emperor Palpatine himself. And Darth Bane, the original Sith Lord. And Darth Malak, the Original original Sith Lord. And Darth R

 

*wets herself laughing* officially No 1 on the PM list!

 

*rotfl*
Yeah, back to the roots with you, Yodimus.
This is already hilarious and I can't wait to see how all the rest gets mangled.

He was Darth Vader, the greatest, most terribly evil thing to ever exist, ever, with the exception of only Emperor Palpatine himself. And Darth Bane, the original Sith Lord. And Darth Malak, the Original original Sith Lord. And Darth Revan, the original Original original Sith Lord. And Exar Kun, the Original original Original original Sith Lord. And Naga Sadow, the ORIGINAL Original original Original original Sith Lord. And Ewoks.

Didn't that bother me forever.

officially No 2 on the pm list, to almost cite Ish.

 

That was priceless.

A Christmas tree and disco poses. Brilliant.

Much , Yodimus, and please sign me up for this pm list. This is great.

 

palpyisgod: I'm gonna need to start offering free diapers at the door. Just think of it like a 3D Movie, but for your pants.


MsL: I can't wait to see how it gets mangled too! I've got my sledgehammer all ready and set!!


Luna: Your applause at my brilliance is greatly appreciated. That said, the triplets are going to have to go. I'm sorry

I don't serve their kind here.
(Now, if they brought a friend to even it out... )


As for this so-called PM list, consider your collective souls all signed away!

 

If you're anything like the squirrel that managed to electrocute himself on the power lines near my house, I am totally assured of your brilliance. Love this. You win at life.

PM list, please?

 

Add me to the PM list! That was hilarious!

Raptor517

 

OMG! That is comedy genius. I woke the whole house up from laughing so hard. Brilliant work, Yod.

 

GREAT! I'm glad everyone's liking this.
...I suppose that means I'll have to think up a second chapter, hm?



Oh, and Enth, trust me, I am JUST like that squirell that managed to electrocute himself. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I'm twice the electrocuted squirell that that critter was.

Bale, I now want to keep this story going, simply to torment your family. You've given me the ultimate motivation. Thank you.


You've all been addified.
See yas in a couple!

 

Add me please.

 

Okay, so we go off in a strange direction, but don't getcher pantiehose in a bunch, gents. I promise that the events of the film will not be messed with tooooo much.

They'll just happen differently. And out of order. And probably to different characters.
I may or may not include a musical number in the future.

Until then, here's chapter 2 of THE STARR WORS
enjoy

---

?I don?t get it Chewie. I had these great plans and now they?re all? * hic* ?ruined!?

Chewie said something reassuring to his drunk companion.

?Now? *hic * ?Han?s gone and I?m stuck with [i]you[/i] ? no offense ??

He said something similar to ?none taken?

?- on this [i]stupid[/i] broke-down junker, and I feel all?? *hic * ?I dunno??

?Ghrrarrraghraah?? Chewie offered.

?Yeah. I feel like that.?

The Wookiee nodded in sympathy.

Leia and Chewie were piloting the [i]Millenium Falcon[/i] (LLC) away from the ice planet Hoth. Or rather, Chewie was piloting and Leia was steering a bottle of Whyren?s and making ?woosh?ing noises. They were on their way to Who-knows-where, which was a far better choice than Nowhere-useful: the place they were just leaving.

For the past several years, Hoth had played host to the Rebel contingent. That is, until the Rebels realized that it was cold and miserable and boring. The minute someone caught on and spoke up to the fact that, ?Hey, I don?t think we can actually do very much on an uninhabited ice planet that?s [i]fifty-freaking-million-lightyears from civilization!![/i]? the party was over. It specifically occurred to Luke, around this time, that honestly the only reason they were there at all was to instigate the Empire, who had yet to notice their existence. He promptly took his foul-mouthed R2 droid and ran off.

Then there was Han. One day, while Mothma and others were arguing over whether there was any planet in the galaxy that could possibly suck less, Leia bumped into Han in an empty room. A locked empty room. A locked empty stockroom, that was conveniently mislabeled as the men?s room. A locked empty stockroom conveniently mislabeled as the men?s room, in an area that had been cordoned off for cleaning, specifically unbeknownst to Han, at Leia?s direct orders. It was do or die. This was the moment. The fates had chosen this moment, so this moment it would be. ("fates" here being Leia's obsessive and stalker-like preparations.)

She stood there in that stock room, innocently blocking the only way out. Han looked at her quizically. It was a ?is my life in danger?? sort of quizicallness.

?Han??

?Yeah, Princess?? he replied in that swarthy, sarcastic way that Leia just couldn?t stand, but loved anyway.

?I?I love you.?






He left on the first evacuation shuttle.

Soon, all the Rebels were taking off, heading to secret bases on planets that weren?t boring and sucky (ie ? absolutely any other planet, ever). That left Leia and Chewie as the last holdouts of hope. Leia because she believed in the Cause. She saw their base on Hoth as the last, best bastion of safety for their desparate struggle to survive the cruel clutches of the evil Lord Vader and his Empire, knowing that only here in this place would they be able to plan in tandem so that one day, one day they could take this fight to the Emperor himself. For Leia, this was more than a base, this was a symbol of the very Freedom their cause was striving for. Chewie stayed behind because he was high.

Once it was clear that nobody at all was going to stay, they reluctantly packed up. It took them three months. Chewie had lost the [i]Falcon?s[/i] keys, and every time he felt he was close to finding them, he took a hit of spice to celebrate, which made him immediately forget what he was looking for. Leia whiled away this period of time by perfecting her shooting. Getting it right had been difficult and slow-going. Then she started using pictures of Han Solo for target practice. Her aim improved dramatically.

But only when sh

 

I'm not quite sure what to say.
Of course, it is funny, in a weird sort of way. But it is also - weird, proabably even in a funny sort of way.
But still... [face_helpless_shrug]

Loved the meta-text, though. I'm interested in the kind of cliff-hanger we will get. Proabably been stapled to the rock...

Booyah!

Booyah?
*goes to get herself a sand puppy*

Um, and me being a foreign speaker and generally undereducated in the field of idioms, what does it mean to get your pantiehose in a bunch?

 

Brevity and a twisted sense of humor are the keys to wit, and you are a Master at both. Great comic relief, Yod.

 

This is so completely whacked! I love it!

Now everytime I think of Vader I'll think of Christmas decorations, evil Christmas decorations.

?I?I love you.?


He left on the first evacuation shuttle.

How to get rid of a guy in 10 seconds.

They dragged along C-3PO too. They drew the long straw, you see.

That poor droid. Unwanted. Unloved. Unplugged. You're making me feel bad for him. Stop that!

This story is hilarious. I'm definitely keeping my eye on this.

 

How'd I miss this?
Holy I isn't 2 observant.

Give me a second to locate my buttocks for I have laughed them off.


This was brilliant!
The grand space opera that was Hyperspace, in all its blue, thinly-veiled-metaphorical glory.

And Ewoks. Word.

Damn straight, disco is menacing.
To complete the façade of premeditation, when he finished the turn Vader did a quick hand-clap and struck a pose.

I see that you're correcting some of GL's characterization blunders.

He left on the first evacuation shuttle. I like your version better.


PM me when you update? sil vous please?

 

That was funny. Moving on, hope a PM comes soon.

Raptor517

 

I need tissues! I'm still laughing so hard I'm crying. I also need some ace bandages because I think I popped a few ribs.

Could you please put me on your PM list? What am I doing... am I masochistic? No, but I want to read more anyways, so yeah, could you PM me with the update please?

 

MsL: Ahh, now THERE'S the reaction I was hoping for!! Total and utter confusion! Now I feel accomplished!
Now: "Get your pantihose in a bunch" - (phrase, slang) variant of "don't get your pants in a bunch". Means that the speaker does not want the person(s) he is directing the comment at to get overexcited or overly anxious/impatient about waiting for something that will take time. In this case, I'm saying that it would be a bad idea to impatiently write off this story because it's beginning to look AU, because I still intend on having everything that happens in the film occur in this story (in one way or another)

Bale: Oh, I love brevity. Especially over turkey on thanksgiving. Oh man, my mom has this awesome recipe for brevity that is just out of this world!

Lola: "That poor droid. Unwanted. Unloved. Unplugged."
haha, I can see it now:
MTV Presents: 3PO! Live and Unplugged!!


*crickets*


That was MTV's presentation of 3PO! Live and Unplugged!! Stay tuned for Carson Daily and other things you hate



Oqi: How you missed this -
/// My thread walks down the street
/// You walk up the steet
/// My thread attempts to tip his hat at you
/// All of the sudden, a mob of pedestrians comes between you and my thread
/// A riot ensues
/// Aliens drug and abduct you
/// The CIA kidnaps my thread, bugs him, and puts him to work busting drug dealers on the streets of Oregon
/// The aliens return you to earth, mind wiped of the incident.
/// Unsure what to do, you begin looting stores like everyone else
/// After two failed busts and a shootout that ends badly, my thread is kicked off the force and finds himself back on that familiar street.
/// Stuck doing 100 hours of community service after being caught stealing that crate of ipods, you are also on that very same road
/// And finally, you notice him.
THE END.

Raptor: I'm sharpening my throwing PMs as we speak. Last time, you survived my attack. I assure you young samaurai...it will not happen again.
(Woh-Pah!)

Wingstar: Woo! I caused minor, painful injuries through writing!! This makes me feel proud
I'll get you tissues and a PM soonly
PS: Wanting to keep reading this story IS masochistic dear, sorry to break it to ya.

Peace out, peeps.
See ya in a couple

 

Oh, priceless as ever.

Chewie stayed behind because he was high. had me losing it. Munchies and out of order spoilers and cliffies and Han fleeing on the first available shuttle.... I especially like how Leia is the only one who thinks seriously about Hoth, and everybody else thinks it is just horrifically boring.

This is just grand. It is like a grown-up, crazier, more fun version of Spaceballs. I it. Can't wait for more!

 

I think that just about sums it up.

 

This is better than Spaceballs

 

Luna: "Oh, priceless as ever. "
Thanks! But actually, this story's value is currently placed at 900 Yen. And if I ever need to mortgage it, I can. So not quite priceless.

"This is just grand. It is like a grown-up, crazier, more fun version of Spaceballs."
GASP. Jeez, double-thanks!!



Ennth: = three.
THAT sums it up, technically.


Wingstar: "This is better than Spaceballs"
One upping her are we? Well, HOLY CRAP, that's a hell of a compliment. I don't know if I can really live up to a bar set that high, but gosh darn it, and Yoda would hate me but... I'm gonna try.

Speaking of Yoda...

---

[i]Outer rim, boondocks sector, crapswamp system, second planet in[/i]

In the distance he heard buzzing. That couldn?t be right. Yoda got up off his thinkin? stump and shot off to have a look.

?Shot off,? is to be taken quite literal here. He, just now, accelerated at two thirds the speed of a high-temperature, electro-magnetically sealed plasma capsule being forcibly expended from a cannon, perhaps a very large one fitted on the side of a capital ship, aimed at your head by a man wearing a sleak black helmet that actually does nothing to protect him, and who will probably find himself with bone cancer or a brain tumor in about six years, but is okay with that because just now he got to watch your head explode. In other words, to make a short story long, the guy got there fast. And the ecosystem was not happy about it, but would have to file its complaints directly to The Force and shouldn?t expect an answer until all higher priority complaints are looked at, discussed, refiled, copied for later use, and acted upon. It would be a long wait for Degoba.

Poor Degoba. Always complaining, but nobody ever cared. One day. One day someone would care. And then? THEN Degoba would have its revenge. Oh ho, yes?

Anyway, sure enough, when Yoda reached the clearing, there was Luke exactly where he wasn?t supposed to be, doing exactly what he wasn?t supposed to be doing. ?Now,? the Old One began, ?What said about this, did I? Hm??

Luke cowered a fraction as he stared down at the diminuative-master-of-all-that-was-awesome-and-righteous. Yoda tapped his foot impatiently. Unbeknownst to anyone else, he was actually tapping to the beat of ?Yellow Submarine? by The Beatles. Yoda hoped nobody recognized it, or he was out of luck ? for some frustrating reason, he kept replacing the song?s lyrics with those from?People Are Strange? by The Doors. And if Luke was insightful enough to ask what the song was, there would be embarassment all around. Lukily, the blonde-maned warrior student had a mind too full of space ships and imaginary epic battles to catch on.

He took a shot at his master?s question, ?No using my lightsaber as a chainsaw?? Yoda glanced up. In Luke?s hands was the motor-plus-handle end of his old gas-electric cherry-red Stihl MS250, but the chain end had been replaced with Anikin?s old-faithful.

Heh, ?blue butter? he used to call it, Yoda reminisced.

No, wait, Anakin never called it that at all. It occurred to Yoda that he?d made that up on the spot, just now. [i]What was it that rhymed with ?shmaltzheimer?s??[/i] He shivered, suddenly very uncomfortable. Regardless, that wasn?t the point. ?Hmph. No! What you do with my Stihl, I care not! I got it at a yard sale. The other rule, mean I.? [i]Or was it ?I mean??[/i] Keeping his backward-syntax consistant had always been a difficult issue for the aggressively old master of oldness.

Luke pondered the question, ?Well, let?s see. No?no what? No running? I give up. I don?t remember you saying anything else, Master.?

His great kingship of all that was awesome and righteous was losing his patience for the way-to-old warrior student, ?Ignorance, you play! Know do you, know I?!? he stumbled on the last sentence, not absolutely certain if it made any logical sense.

?Oh, uh, right! The, the other one. Yeah, um?? Luke?s eyes scanned the environment as casually a

 

yet again this story has me laughing hysterically, especially:
"Well, fudge-monkies." He kicked the dirt, "Now I'll never know what it was I wasn't supposed to do."

Great stuff here, Yod.

 

*blanches*


keep going!

 

OMG I had to show restraint and not laugh out loud because my nine-year-old son who absolutely adores Yoda is in the room and I didn't want to explain why I was laughing... he just doesn't understand morbid humor.

Thanks for the PM, Yod... now the masochist within me cannot wait for the next update.

BTW, I was about to get my first cup of coffee when I read this... now I'm not sure I need it.