Challenge Story [Tolkien] A Marriage of Asphyxiation [Hurt/No Comfort Roulette & Spring Bingo Challenge]

Title: A Marriage of Asphyxiation [Tolkien] [Hurt/No Comfort Roulette & Spring Bingo Challenge]
Author: gizkaspice
Timeframe: Second Age, with references to the Silmarillion and the Rings of Power series (Season 1)
Characters: Sauron, Galadriel, and others
Genre: Mostly parody, comedy, angst, hurt, drama
Summary: In an attempt to get revenge on Sauron and destroy him from the inside, Galadriel agrees to be his queen to suffocate him with her presence. It doesn't quite turn out the way she expected. And yes, there will be cats.

Author’s Note: Written for the Hurt/Comfort Roulette Challenge in the Angstmongers Annymous thread for @ViariSkywalker . My relationship type was enemies and my prompt was #14: Asphyxiation. ALSO, this is also a challenge for @Chyntuck 's Spring Bingo. My chosen words were: Stream, Forest, Journey, Fish, and Fruit. I have included all board prompts in this single story, which is over 2,500 words.



Sauron endured many torments in his existence but nothing, not even being Morgoth's servant, compared to the absolute agony of being married to Galadriel. It was a relentless, suffocating presence--like a noose around his throat, like chains he could never break free from. Everywhere he turned, she was there. Every time he breathed, she existed. And now, she wanted a public wedding right in Eregion. This infuriated him all the more.

Back on the raft in the middle of the ocean as Halbrand, he proposed to her to be his queen, to bind him to the light while he bonded her to power. He had meant it as a temptation, a challenge, to lure Galadriel into his designs. But he had not expected her to say yes. And now he was trapped in his own scheme.

"You told me once, that we were brought together for a purpose. This is it. You bind me to the light, and I'll bind you to power. Together, we can save this Middle-earth," he had said.

"Save....or rule?" she challenged.

He gave a smug smile. "I see no difference.."

"I accept."

"Wait, what?"

"I said I accept."

That wasn't supposed to happen....it wasn't part of his plan. It wasn't, it couldn't---She fooled him.

The guest list was quite the sight, filled with Elves and dogs. Galadriel deliberately invited Gil-galad and Elrond to make him suffer through their glares. Elrond looked as though he was witnessing a tragedy, while the dwarves of Khazad-Dum were already passing around the ale.

Galadriel insisted on only Elven customs and decorations and ordered smaller-scale replicas of the Two Trees of Valinor made by the talents of the Elven smiths of Eragion. Everything was filled with light and hope, all things that reminded him of the Valar that he both feared and hated. And to infuriate him further, she even got the Elvish priests to read out loud the musical poetry of Melian the Maia, his most hated rival only second to Galadriel. The poetry was about dogs, of course, dogs that were singing and dancing and chasing cats. Being forced to listen to it was pure agony for him. And nobody wanted to hear him sing his cat songs either. That part was the worst of all punishments.

But he was no fool. If she was going to make him suffer, then he would drag her down with him. So, he unleashed his cats.

The journey took them long enough before finally reaching Eregion, running through the forest, swimming in the stream, catching fish as a snack before swarming the halls with their meowing. Many spilled the ale, which infuriated the dwarves, while others munched on the fruit in the wedding cake.

"Millicent rules!" cried a lone stormtropper in the crowd wearing an orange cat-themed baseball cap.

An elf whispered to him. "Sir, I think you're in the wrong universe...this festival is taking place on Middle-earth."

The stormtrooper gasped with an "OH MY GOSSSSSH" and ran out quickly. He accepted the feline offering of fresh catnip indulgence on his way out, for the beloved Millicent back in his home galaxy that was actually awaiting his love and dedication for her Majesty.

Gil-galad cleared his throat and began: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of and in the face of this company-- to join Mairon of the Maiar and Galadriel of the Ñoldor in holy matrimony--"

"No," rejected Sauron in his fair Annatar disguise. Although now all knew who he truly was thanks to this event. He pointed at Galadriel. "This woman doesn't know what she is doing. Please, somebody stop her. Or shoot her or something. I don't care at this point."

Galadriel cast a glare at him, dressed in her dog-themed elvish dress that sparkled like stars. "You can't refuse. According to the ancient customs of Middle-earth, if a proposal is made and accepted, the proposer cannot withdraw without bringing the Valar to interfere. Such is the law."

"Whose law?" demanded the Maia. "I demand a lawyer."

"No budget for that," mumbled Gil-galad under his breath.

"Then I will be my own lawyer."

Galadriel turned to him sharply. "I object. You made the proposal and I accepted. There is no turning back now."

He leaned closer to her, now inches away from her face. "I'll play your game. For now. But you will soon regret it."

She scowled but did not let his words influence her. Nor his cats, which were relentless in trying to projectile vomit hair balls at her. She turned to an elvish priest. "Can you bring the rings out?"

The elvish priest brought out the rings, made of pure gold, and sang a chant about the power of dogs that made the cats hiss in fury.

Sauron took one of the golden rings and held it to the light, the sunshine making it glitter. "You know what, this gives me an idea. I'll save this idea for later." He said as he put the ring into his pocket. He also took the ring meant for Galadriel for later comparison and to determine the purity and alloy composition.

The elvish priest threw his arms into the air and walked away. "I'm not arguing here."

"Yes, the ram and bull," said Gil-galad. "You see, Galadriel is the ram, Aries, and Sauron is the bull, Taurus. Both stubborn, unwilling to yield."

"I was not asking for my horoscope reading," announced Galadriel firmly.

"Well, now," continued Gil-galad with a shrug. "I suppose you are married now. I hope.....you know what you are doing."

Elrond was hoping that as well. Meanwhile a group of cats were already performing a feline ritual in celebration of the Lord of the Cats being wed.

"Where's the kiss?!" demanded Princess Disa of the dwarves. She was here mostly for the free cake. "You're supposed to kiss her, you idiot!"

Sauron rolled his eyes. "I'd rather kiss a cat's rear end."

"I wouldn't be surprised if that's all you ever do," mocked Galadriel sharply.

****

The very atmosphere of Barad-dûr felt like it was pressing against her skin, seeping into her lungs, making it hard to breathe. Sauron's presence was a weight she couldn't shake-- looming over her, poisoning the very air around her. He was always there, like a storm cloud that never passed, a fire that never dimmed. His very existence was smothering.

She sat poised, composed, suffocating in the filth and heat of Mordor. She was here because according to the legal marriage requirements of Middle-earth, the queen was required to spend time in the king's domain. He watched her from across the table, his presence drowning her in his darkness. Galadiel met his gaze with the same unyielding force.

The suffocation was mutual.

Neither would break.

Neither would bow.

He spoke first and it was the worst first words he could ever ask her. "So, how's your brother?"

"He's dead. Because of you."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Galadriel. Don't you know elves just regenerate in Valinor after they die? He'll be fine," he said, rolling his eyes. Then, seeing her surprised reaction and as if realizing he had let too much slip, he exhaled. "Damn it....Eru Ilúvatar will not be happy about this if he finds out I'm revealing too much to his Children about life beyond Arda. Can you just, like, forget everything I just said?"

She glared at him.

"Please?"

She sighed. "Fine. I have forgotten everything. It is gone."

There was an awkward silence and then he said, which is what he once said before: "I'm sorry, for your brother, for your toespacers..for all of it."

She put a hand on her temple, as though already getting a headache from his very existence. "Just shut up."

"Do you see this container of grass on this table? It's starting to sprout and you shall not touch it. In a few days, it will blossom into organic oat cat grass. You wouldn't understand, being a dog-person."

Galadriel's eyes glazed on the cat grass, then back at him. She was immediately and deeply starting to regret agreeing to his ridiculous marriage proposal.

"You will join me in the feline pilgrimage," he announced casually, tossing her a pamphlet about the Meoi-lenda, the holy cat-trip, which took 500 years to reach feline enlightenment.

"No," she said bluntly.

He sighed. There was literally zero conversation with this woman. "Fine. Then stay here and make tiny cat hats for my feline followers."

"I refuse."

Sauron drummed his fingers impatiently on the wooden table. "Then I'm afraid there is only one solution to your...resistance, Queen Galadriel...."

He stood and took a piece of white chalk and streaked bold lines across the stone floors. A line down the main hall. A line through the cat-themed library. A line dividing literally everything else. And finally, for his greatest masterpiece, he encircled his own chambers entirely.

She glanced at the lines, and then back at him. "This is beneath you. I was expecting something far more grand for a Maia of your status."

Sauron pointed an accusing finger at her. "You will respect the boundaries."

Galadriel stared at him. Surely at this point the once great Mairon the Admirable had lost his mind completely.

"And don't touch me," he warned, continuing to point at her as he left, walking backwards as though he feared she would attack him.

She watched him accidentally fall down a fleet of stairs, cursing that he forgot he built a secret hidden staircase.

***

While sitting in her chambers, Galadriel watched as dozens of kittens wearing small hats passed by her. The cat population in Mordor was getting out of hand and she was certain there were, by now, more cats than Orcs. As queen of Mordor, she knew what needed to be done.

Sauron was obviously furious when he found a book in his office entitled, "How to talk to your cat about contraption, fertility, control and abstinence." He took great offense that she was trying to manage his out of control feral cat population.

"You have too many cats," he heard Galadriel's voice but he did not see her. "Perhaps you should considering paying Dr. Tanä a visit?"

Even in his fair form, Sauron could use his powers as a Maia. He gripped the book so tightly that in his rage it became devoured by flame and turned into ash. Nobody would have access to such blasphemy. He would find out the location of the publisher and destroy them, too. His loyal furry subjects would continue to multiply at his commend and no fake elf-wife would see to their disruption of unlimited kitten production.

"You dare to walk into my domain and tell me how to manage my own subjects?" he hissed. "They are mine."

"Are they?" challenged Galadriel. "Or have they claimed you?"

"I am the Lord of the Cats," he reminded her sharply. "They are more loyal than you can ever be, elf."

"Only because you feed them."

The question momentarily gave Sauron an identity crisis in all of his 60,000 or so years of existence. Did he claim the cats or have the cats claimed him? Was he just another servant to them, like he was a servant to Morgoth? Was he destined to be a servant for eternity? Now he was getting all sorts of strange feelings he never felt before and it was uncomfortable, almost painful. Because of her.

"Will Mordor itself bow to them in time?" her voice continued.

The Maia returned to his regular confident self after a moment a weakness, understanding her intention of her taunts. This was her game. A slow, quiet strangulation--not with swords or power, but with persistence.

"Think about it. Before they become your master."

She continued to try and fill his mind with questions. How could she? He was the deceiver, the manipulator. She was but an elf---but a powerful one, no doubt. She had seen the light of the Two Trees in Valinor. She had seen through his lies and knew his mind. Upon first meeting her on that raft, he sensed he had found his match. A future rival, a competitor. An enemy.

And now she was touching things she should not be touching, like his delicate ceramic cat figurines. Dozens of them suddenly crashed to the ground, shattering into a million glass pieces.

She did not care. His ceramic cat figurine industry was in peril. Because of her.

***

"There must be a way to get rid of her," he mused as he later sat on his cat-themed throne chair engraved with cat designs. His cats were lying around him lazily. His tolerance of her presence was running low and he was close to sending his kittens assassins to outright murder her.

Sauron sought out his spies and allies to dig into any possible flaw in her existence. And that was when he discovered something his spies brought him back: Galadriel was already married to a certain Sindarian elf lord named Celeborn.

She was already married and under Middle-earth law, one could not be married twice. By every legal custom, this marriage of theirs was void.

It was later in the evening when Sauron threw the legal documents at her face and she glared at him as she caught them. "Explain."

Galadriel glanced over the documents. "It's true. But Celeborn has been missing for centuries so--"

"That doesn't make him dead!"

She silently stood, glaring at him with an intensely that could melt steel.

Sauron stopped pacing and turned to her, slowly approaching her with a deadly grace that forced her to back away slightly. "I will find him. And Celeborn will spirit you away from here, away from Mordor, away from me, away from my 1.5 million cat followers who hate you."

The elf stared, her blue eyes focused on him as she remained quiet as he continued.

"I begged you to bind me to the light, to help me change my ways. And what did you do? You tied me up to a cat scratching post outside in the sun's scorching heat and said, "hey Mairon, this enough light for you?" I'm counting that as attempted murder."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, how dramatic. You were fine. Besides, you can't be destroyed: you're a Maia and immortal. You would form a new body soon enough."

"So, you admit it. You did try to kill me."

"Kill is a strong word," admitted Galadriel casually with a shrug. "I would say slowly suffocate you out of Arda. Preferably out of Eä entirely."

"Well, I was surprised when you dodged every one of my kitten assassins and my attempts to suffocate you with cat dandruff after I sensed an emerging cat allergy within you I wanted to exploit."

"I enjoyed seeing you suffer when I deliberately sent a horde of dogs to destroy your cat sculptures."

"I should have known you were behind it! That's why I sent a cat to suffocate you with its rear end while you slept."

"Jokes on you. Elves don't sleep."

"Neither do Maiar."

She smiled mockingly. "What a shame. I thought I'll send a dog to grab you by the throat like Huan the Hound did in the First Age. You remember that, don't you? That time a dog defeated you? Then you turned into a cat and ran up a tree and peed yourself and Huan and Lúthien just stood and laughed at you. I'm sure Morgoth had a great time finding out about that."

That struck a nerve.

His grip on the railing tightened and, for a moment, Galadriel thought he might strangle her.

"Get. Out."

***

The gates of Barad-dûr slammed shut behind her. Galadriel dusted her sleeves off as she stood on the blackened steps and exhaled sharply as she carried her dog-themed luggage and began to walk away.

He had thrown her out. That mention of Huan really must have struck a nerve after all.

A legion of cats watched her as they sat on the fences hissing in unison. One of them got tired of hissing and swallowed a moth.

"Galadriel."

She turned slowly, glancing as he appeared before her, his long blonde hair blowing in the wind. "The divorce papers. Sign them. Now."

She accepted and read the fine print. "This is no divorce document. It's an agreement that you'll own my soul with an automatic renewal date of every 2,000 years."

The Maia sighed. "Must you always read the fine print? Must you!?"

Galadriel ripped the document apart into tiny pieces and threw it at his face. "No matter. It is your nature to deceive. I came here to suffocate you. And I have. Before I leave remember this, Lord of the Cats: you do not commend them. You serve them."

***

"And what of the lady Galadriel?" asked one of his many orcs the next day. "I don't see her around these days."

"I'm afraid she did not fit in with our company's culture," announced Sauron bluntly, organizing his world domination business documents.

He saw the hands slowly raise up.

"There will be no further questions."

*******

 

Hilarious with the cats and dogs. Galadriel getting married and using all her dog-tricks to get at Sauron who is strongly resembling a RL president.
Great use of all the prompts

 

Lololol! From the first few words of this story I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry or both. The marriage of Sauron and Galadriel would be asphyxiating indeed, and I just love the mental image of Galadriel on the raft casually accepting Sauron's marriage proposal.

What I love even more is the image of Sauron trapped in an Elvish wedding celebration in Eregion, where everything is dog-centered, and even his cats have trouble keeping up with the festivities.

And, well... It was bound to be an unhappy marriage, wasn't it? Obviously neither of them intended for it to be any sort of marriage at all, but I can well see how it would turn out to be... asphyxiating, there's no other word for it. Sauron tracing boundaries on the floor may be the least bad decision he's making here, all things considered; and Galadriel pointing out that it's the cats owning Sauron, not the other way around, is probably the most realistic thing that's said in this story – well, except for the realism of the toxic relationship, which you pulled off masterfully despite all its zaniness.

And you got all the Spring Bingo words in there! Seamlessly! I am just. in. awe.

 

that was so hilarious! Lol! I loved it. Great work, it was very entertaining and well written