What SW Characters Complain About Fanfic Authors (humor, add-on)

Anyone can add-on. So what would the SW characters complain about us authors?

 

Luke walks in and frowns.

I wish to complain about a certian author here. Her name is Neon Star. She says she likes me then she turns around and tortures me to death. I mean, a vampire in one fic, being chased by a ghost in the other. Not fair! Has she ever picked on Han or Leia? NOoooooooo! Why me? I don't have a clue. She has this one fic where I am sold as a slave and that is just mean. Torture all over the place, and who is the target? ME! Then she erases my sister and then I have to go in the past to find a way to stop an assain from killing my mother and I get captured. You should see what she is planning on some of her fics for me! I give up!

 

I guess I'll give this a try.
~~~~~

Obi-Wan storms in angrily.

What is with everyone here?! I am NOT a walking disaster! I can assure you that I can walk out of my room without having to run to the healers. I mean, really, what kind of person do you think I am?! And there being a Kenobi Ward at the Infirmary! (pauses) Well...um....there is..but that isn't the point!

 

I can bet that there will be a lot of complaints from Obi-Wan.

Love your signature Kadi! I know that quote quite well.

 

Leia:
Okay, JG. It was one thing in "Father's Heart," when you made me go dark for, like, ten minutes. But then you turn around and make me a Sith? And if that's not enough, you and your friends gang up on me to torture me in "Lady Vader" (and I'll have words with you about that nasty thing you did to my mother). What did I ever do to you? Oh... well, *I* didn't make up that hairstyle, and if you wanted to wear it on Hallowe'en, that's hardly *my* fault.

Luke:
I try very hard to understand you, honestly. I know I'm your favorite, even though you *did* dedicate your website to Father. You've said a hundred times that you see things through my eyes. So why is it that every time you try to write for me, you tank? Am I that dull to you? No? So what's the problem?

Han:
Okay, sweetheart, I know you and me haven't always got along so good, but is there some reason you keep FORGETTING I'M EVEN THERE?

Anakin:
You really should be harder on me. I was Vader, you know.

(Skysong's Isabel cuts in: Oh, smeg, Ani, will you knock it off???)

 

Jedi Council (all except Yoda and Mace Windu):

Hey, jedi-thespian. Yeah, you! Who gave you the right to write about us being a bunch of lazy wierdos who sit around on their rears all day staring at each other! We didn't *despise* Qui-Gon Jinn, we just...never mind! Oh, and by the way, what gave you the right to write about the fact that we couldn't sense Palpatine?

jedi-thespian:

I didn't write that first, George Lucas did.

Jedi Council (all except Yoda and Mace Windu):

Oh...But that's not the point! You don't need to be advocating it! You're destroying our image!

jedi-thespian:

What image?

(Jedi Council members just stammer until their interview time expires)

 

Luke crosses his arms, trying to look intimidating. "Okay, Sreya, I /know/ you have a lot of work to do, I /know/ you're working toward your degree and have some semblence of a real life, but, honestly, can't you EVER finish a story? For goodness sake, the only thing you've ever published is a short scene that I'm not even /in/, even though you constantly tell everyone that your favorite stories deal with Jedi! THERE ARE NO JEDI IN BANQUET ENCOUNTER! Come on, it's been nearly seven years, can't you finish anything?"

Silja joins the scene. "You're complaining! What about me? She's left me hanging, actually out on the internet, with my own husband's lightsaber coming down at my neck! Do you have any idea how cramped my muscles have gotten waiting to see what happens to me?"

Luke stares. "Hey, I thought this was for the REAL Star Wars characters to complain, not the original characters."

Silja sniffs. "Oh, so just because I'm an original character, I don't have complaints about Sreya? Real sensitive, Skywalker. No wonder my husband turns to the Dark Side."

"Hey, that's not my fault!" Luke protests. "You'll see later in the story -"

"Well, the story's not finished yet, so how would I know whose fault it is?"

Luke turns to glare at Sreya. "See what I have to put up with because of you? Finish your danged stories!"

 

Lol! These r funny...but I'm afraid to post, cos I after I post other people usually don't!

 

Young Obi-Wan complains about Jane Jinn:

I can't -stand- it whenever Jane gets another plot idea. It never fails to involve torture on my part, and she's always getting more and more painful ideas. Stringing me up by my feet so I'm dangling upside down for the better part of an hour! And not only that, but tying my hands to a piece of speeder engine that weighed about as much as my master! I thought both my shoulders would be dislocated before she finally tweaked the plot to have the bad guy to untie my hands, but then she came up with something worse! I will -not- give any gruesome details, but never let her get near you with a tool kit. And speaking of my master, how come she never tortures Qui-Gon? He never even gets touched when she writes, not even a bloody nose or a bruised foot or anything! She didn't even let him rescue me in the last fic; no, I had to do it all myself while he's watching over some salivating Sullustan Senator! Then she gives me a couple of broken ribs and makes Qui-Gon say something that makes me laugh!

And then there was that time when she was writing for USJS. I thought there wouldn't be any torture there, but she was so sneaky, she came up with a way to totally humiliate me. Carefully laid this intricate plot that ended with me slipping on a wet patch on the floor and banging my nose on the edge of a table. Then somebody's there to stop the bleeding with what feels like two rolled-up gauze bandages. I heard the words "extra absorbent--just perfect for this kind of thing." At last, I thought, somebody's taking care of me. But what happens when I get down to the infirmary? An-Paj almost dies laughing. Turns out I was wandering through the halls with, guess what, two tampons stuck up my nose.

As soon as I get out of this bacta tanka...and get those bone-knitters off...and I've checked the floor for wet spots, I'm going to ignite my light saber and rid the galaxy of a certain pathetic life form!

No, you're not getting any links to these stories! What, you think I -want- you to read all this pain and humiliation? Get away! Go read Obi the Kid's stories. At least I get some mush -there-!

 

Great posts! up!

 

::giggles:: These are funny! Can't wait to see more! Here's a little from me...

********

Leia ::glares at AngelQueen::- Hey AngelQueen! What did I ever do to you? You made me get tortured by Palpatine in the round robin 'what if Leia went with Luke to confront Vader' or whatever its called! Jeez! I know I used the Dark Side to try and kill him, but sheesh! Did I really deserve several bolts of lightening? The guy could've singed my hair!

Luke- Yeah! Don't hurt my sister!

Leia ::whirling on Luke::- And I don't need you to defend me LITTLE BROTHER!

Luke- Hey! How do you know that I'm the younger one?

Leia- Ask Mother! She told me that I am older than you by ten minutes! So respect your elders! ::turns back to AngelQueen:: As I was saying, then you, like, totally forgot about Han for about a dozen posts! And what about the droids! I haven't seen them for who knows how long! I mean, sure, they may be robots, but they're still a big part of our story!!! Artoo belonged to Mother and Threepio was actually built by Father!!!!!!

Anakin ::jumps in before Leia can break AngelQueen's neck::- Leia remember that anger is the path of the Dark Side.

Leia ::blinks and nodds::- Your right of course Daddy. But please, would you phrase it your own way, and not like Luke's pet green troll?

Yoda ::as a ghost::- When look like a ghost you do, look as good you will not hmm?

Qui-Gon ::rolles his eyes::- I agree with her there! We're ghosts and we've gotten more post time!

Obi-Wan- Why are you complaining?

Qui-Gon- You wouldn't b/c you got an entire scene with Sabé!

Obi-Wan ::turns and glares at AngelQueen::- You and Vega just *had* to drag this out didn't you?

::AngelQueen storms out of the room:: Fine! If I'm going to be treated so bad, then I'll just go and torture you some more! Be prepared for a wild ride in 'Alternate Paths' Leia!!!!! Oh and Obi-Wan, I'd shut your trap if I were you or I'll give Sabé a new boyfriend!

Leia ::muttering::- I had to open my big mouth.

Obi-Wan- I know the feeling, little Princess, I know the feeling.

************

 

::jedi-thespian is calmly preparing for a play rehersal when all of a sudden in comes Obi-Wan::

Obi-Wan: jedi-thespian, I am sick of you making me look like a complete moron.

jedi-thespian: How did you get here?

Obi-Wan: I walked out of my universe. Besides, this is the thread that I can complain to you.

jedi-thespian: Really?

Obi-Wan: Yeah, really. Now, I'll get to the point: First of all, you make so that I can't realize that I am in love with Sabe from the first moment that I laid eyes on her! Then you have to make so that we're separated for ten years! Now I know that that allows the time for Sabe to grow up and be a woman, but for Pete's sake, did you have to make so that when I finally find out that we're in love I have to be separated from her and be at least half a galaxy away from her? Sheesh!

::in walks Qui-Gon::

Qui-Gon: jedi-thespian! Are you trying to ruin my reputation? You are making me look like I'm the overprotective maniac who after ten years doesn't care a thing about whether Obi-Wan is okay or not, it's just not fair! And another thing...

jedi-thespian: Don't say anymore, you'll ruin the story for the people who haven't read it yet. Besides, if you two don't shut up, I'm going to torture you silly in upcoming posts.

Obi-Wan: You wouldn't dare!

Qui-Gon (smirking): You can't torture me, I'm a ghost.

jedi-thespian: You won't be a ghost in that prequel that I'm writing that features you and you-know-who. If you don't get back in the story right now, I'm going to torture you until kingdom come, and after you die, I'll throw you into purgatory.
Same goes for you, Obi-Wan.

:bi-Wan and Qui-Gon look at each other and timidly walk out of our universe and back into theirs::

jedi-thespian (to herself): Characters...

 

MORE!

 

The complaints (so far) about Refuge:

Jacen and Han: "Where the heck are we?! It's not a Star Wars story without us!"

The Author: "You're missing. It's a major plot point that will soon develop into something even more major. It's important, I swear!"

Leia: "What do I do all day at the colony? I seem to know everything that goes on, yet all I'm ever doing is walking around! What's up with that?"

The Author: "You'll have more to do soon, I promise. For now, keep walking... After all, Lord of the Rings wouldn't have made any sense unless Tolkien described the weeks of walking it took to get anywhere. It's not like they have hyperdrive in Middle-Earth!"

Jaina: "Where's the Jaina/Jag back-story? They land on the new planet, and all of a sudden they're married? Come on! I wanna see courtship!"

The Author: "Relax. I'm posting a back-story too."

Not yet mentioned EU characters: "Where are we?"

The Author: "Many of you are dead. Get over it. If you're still alive, you'll be mentioned, at least briefly, before the series is over."

Heh. So there. That showed 'em. *g*

Shameless Self-Promotion: Hey, everyone, if you wanna know what I'm talking about back there, read my NJO AU fanfic, Refuge! Link's in my sig.

 

Leia:

Now look Herman, you're really starting to tick me off. How come you're always so nice to Luke and Mara, but I get stuck with all the bad stuff.

You've never written anything good happening to me. In your first story, Luke was still alive but I was conveniently dead. A later story described me as prematurely gray and wrinkled. Then later in that story you have Mara kill me. Then in yet another story I come across as a pretentious leader who can't see the truth in front of her.

So what did I ever do to you? When do I get to be the hero?


Herman:

Don't take it personally Leia. But if you can't handle my poor treatment of you, I suggest you not pay attention to the story I have in the works.

 

Excellent posts, everyone!

up!

 

::jedi-thespian is trying to read fanfiction when all of a sudden Palpatine walks into the room::

palpy (pointing a finger): YOU!

jt: Me?

palpy: Yeah, you! How DARE you kill me off!

jt: Why shouldn't I? You always get killed.

palpy: I didn't in "Destiny's Choice", did I?

jt: Well, I'm not that author. You'd better scram, you're in the Inferno as it is. Don't make me torture you.

palpy (grumbling, walking out.): Whatever.

jt: Sheesh, the next thing I know the Jedi Council's gonna...

(in walks the Jedi Council)

jt: You again?

Jedi Council: Yes, how dare you kill US off?!

jt: I didn't kill all of you off. Besides, you always get killed too.

Jedi Council: That's not the point! We have an image to maintain.

jt: Ho, boy... You know, the whole world can see you complaining to me.

Jedi Council:...What?!

jt: Yep, they're watching you right now.

(Jedi Council looks toward screen and all blush. They timidly walk out.)

jt: now where was I...

 

Luke:
I am really getting tired of the sappy romance stories of me and Jade I mean I am a rebel hero! I can do things other than be diisgusting or get tortured!