Beyond - Legends Letters of Life - Ben Skywalker~ angst/tragedy ~ Letter 5: To Jade (not as sad!) ~ Posted 4/11/16

Title: Letters of Life
Author: mavjade
Summary: Ben writes letters throughout his life to those who have impacted his life.
Characters: Ben, with mentions of Jacen, Mara, Luke and OC's.
Timeline: Currently Legends Canon through Fate of the Jedi series (though I never finished it, so maybe not) but will become A/U. I don't think you have to have read FotJ to understand.
Notes: This was inspired by the Writer's Block Thread, Block Breaker #2
It will be a series of letters written by Ben. I have two others written already and at least 2 more in my head.

I don't have a beta at the moment, and while I've read it a few times, my brain really likes to do that thing where it sees what it wants to and not what is there. Please feel free to let me know any glaring/annoying errors.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

Dear Jacen,

I think this is kriffing stupid seeing as how you are dead and all, but the therapist dad is making me see thinks it's a good idea. I guess it won't hurt, who am I to argue with a professional head shrinker?

Anyway, I always hear these stories from Aunt Leia and Jaina (though he doesn't tell them often, Uncle Han has a story or two as well) about the kind of kid you were, how you loved animals -all kinds- it didn't matter what species they were, you wanted to know everything there was to know about them. And how you always made these jokes that would make everyone groan. They talk of how you were so in love with Tenel Ka and how even before you told anyone, or maybe even knew yourself, everyone knew, and they thought it was adorable (okay, that was mostly Aunt Leia).

I wish I had known that guy, I think maybe we could have had some fun together.

It's not like I didn't learn a lot from you, I did, and for that I'm thankful. Some of those things have come in really handy, but when I think of you, I don't think of the times you taught me how to hide in the Force or of the boy that would save an innocent animal at all cost. When I think of you, pain is all I feel.

Unlike everyone else, Dad doesn't really speak of you. I'm pretty sure he thinks about you and of that boy you used to be, but I think he feels as though he failed you. We haven't spoken about it, but when someone else mentions your name, I can see the guilt as thought what you did to me, what you did to mom, and what you did to the galaxy was entirely his fault. I guess others think that too. He's been exiled, ordered to have no contact with the Order he's spent his entire life building.

I guess what I really want to say is I'm angry. Yes, I know anger is of the dark side, but I don't think the old Masters meant for us to bottle it up, I think they meant for us to find a way to let go of it. (I guess that's what this letter is supposed to do for me.) You didn't actually believe in the dark side anyway, did you?

Why did you use me as a pawn in your games? Was it because of who I am or was it because I was a convenient target? I hope I was just a convenient target, that you weren't using me to specifically get to mom and dad. If I was just convenient it wasn't personal and I could have been anybody. Since you can't tell me, I'm going to think that was the case.

While what you did to me has left scars, physical and mental (you tortured me, my therapist says I should call it what it was), it's what you did to our family that hurts the most. You took my mom away from me. You took my dad's wife, one of the only people he could every truly be himself around. You almost took my dad from me by taking mom.

I'll never for to know my mom as a person, I was too busy being a kid who thought they knew everything and I pushed her away. You took what was supposed to be the most carefree years of my life from me and left a scarred shell.

You took Aunt Leia and Uncle Han's child away when they had already lost one. You took Jaina's twin from her and forced her to choose between the love she had for you and the rest of the galaxy.

You took a lot and only gave very little. At least that's what it feel like to me.

No one talks about it, the last few years of your life. It's almost as though you died during the war with the Yuuzhan Vong, I guess in a way you did. But to everyone outside our family you certainly didn't die. What you did is a stain on the Jedi Order and to the Solo/Skywalker name, people are afraid of us, afraid to let us help.

I know this letter is a rambling mess, but I guess I do feel a little bit better. Maybe it wasn't so stupid after all.

I really don't know what else to say. I don't know if I'll forgive you, right now I doubt I ever will, but I do hope you've found peace.


~Ben

 

What a great idea! You've captured Ben's voice perfectly, and his words are heart-wrenching - poor kid certainly did need a therapist after all he went through and it would have been good for him to get his frustrations out like this. Looking forward to more!

 

Oh, Ben. This is so sad and angry and regretful. But you can also see him working through it, too. Very well done.

 

mavjade - whatever happened to get the juices flowing again, it's gangbusters working! Brilliant and poignant stuff! Raw and real! This thread is officially on 'watch.'

 

a moving piece. Ben portrayed as he is

 

Great work. I can totally see Ben writing this to Jacen.

 

Oh Ben. As much as it breaks my heart, I love how you wrote him here.

 

Thanks so much everyone! It feels nice to be writing something again!

Findswoman:

Thank you! I'm glad it's readable even if you haven't read FOTJ

He certainly does need the catharsis, poor kid! I've done the letter writing where no one will ever see it a few times and it really does help. Let's all the emotions out in a safe space.


JadeLotus:

Thanks so much! I think he certainly would need therapy, you don't go through all that he did and come out unscathed.


divapilot:

Thank you! I always felt that Ben would have some issues and some reasons to be angry after FOTJ.

Nyota's Heart:

Thanks so much! I hope it keeps working.. but at least this series is almost completely written, if nothing else.
I'm glad the emotion came through!

earlybird-obi-wan:

Thanks! Thank you for commenting!

Revanfan1:

Thanks! Yeah, I could see Ben having some issues with Jacen. Thanks for reading!

Briannakin:

Thank you! That whole plot of the books broke my heart, glad that came through!

 

Here is the second part in this letter series, to Mara. Thanks for reading!



~*~*~*

Dear Mom,

I wrote a letter to Jacen and it seemed to help, at least somewhat, so my head shrinker said maybe I should write one to you. (Yes, dad made me see a therapist. I don't know if he's going to her too, but I think he probably is. I kinda hope he is. Don't tell him this because I'm always complaining about it, but I actually like talking with her.)

I argued with Salya (that's the head doc's name) that I'm not angry with you so why should I write to you like I did Jacen? She said, "Give it a try, you might be surprised at your feelings." So here it is.

I may not be angry with you, but I am angry at myself. I can't stand the thought that you died thinking I was mad at you. It sounds so cliche, the whole 'you were mad at me and died' thing, but I think back to the way I treated you and dad in the months before your death... before you were murdered. (It's terrible, I can hear Salya in my head as I'm writing, "It's okay to say your mother was murdered, Ben." ) Dad says you both knew to expect that from a teenager and that you didn't think I was actually mad at you, but I still can't help but hate it. (Yes, I realize I'm still technically a teenager, but I like to think I've matured somewhat since then.)

I hate that I was responsible for getting you killed, that while I didn't actually do the act, you were protecting me at a time when I didn't think I needed protecting. I hate thinking that Jacen used me to get to you. I guess I am angry, considering how many times I've used the word hate, but I'm angry that you died and I might have be a part of it, I'm not angry at you.

I know what you would say, that you would have done anything for me or dad, that your love for us meant everything to you. Yes, I do remember you whispering that as I fell asleep when I was little. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your 'secret' softy side. But knowing what you would say and actually feeling it are two different things.

One thing that I'm starting to realize is that we never got the time we needed to really know each other. When I was little there as always some war or some fight; I don't blame you for going, not at all, I know you were doing what needed to be done. But I can't help feeling that I wish we had some more time then, now that we won't get anymore.

Dad talks about how he dreams of you, how you are never far from his side, even now, just as you were in life. I wish I could say the same thing. When I do dream, the only thing I feel is darkness and pain. I usually don't remember much when I wake up, usually to dad shaking me awake, but it's then I most wish to see you in my mind.

When that happens -dad waking me up from some nightmare- is usually when we talk about you the most. There's just something about the middle of the night that makes talking so much easier, as though any pain it brings up will be gone when the sun comes up.

He sometimes tells me stories I've heard over and over, about how you guys didn't get a long (I love that this is how you put it when I was younger. I've since learned the truth when Uncle Han let it slip. Don't worry, I think it makes the story even better.) and some of your adventures together pre-having a child. But sometimes he tells me stories of things that would seem so insignificant if you were to just hear about it and weren't connected to it, but I love them none the less. I love them because when he talks about you, his face softens and I can see the love he still has for you in his eyes.

I hope I can find that for myself one day. (Don't worry, I'm not in a hurry.)

He also tells me stories that would be embarrassing to me if anyone was around, like the first time you changed my diaper and how you'd never done it before. It was gross, I really don't even want to think about it, but dad and I laugh together and I imagine what your face would have looked like, pinched with anger and yet, trying not to laugh and or kill dad for laughing. I know dad can see it all happening in his mind while we talk, his eyes stop being so empty and come alive. Right now, these are the moments I live for.

I guess all my rambling here is to say I'm sorry we don't get to laugh like dad and I do now, that we never will get to experience all the things we're going to miss out on. But I'm happy I had you when I did and I'm proud of the woman you were and proud to say I'm your son. I hope you'd be proud of me. (Dad says, he knows you are.)


I miss you.



I love you.


- Ben

 

I'M NOT CRYING! I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE!

Beautifully done.

 

Simply - truly lovely! Full of tenderness, wistfulness, and humor, and most of all, love.

 

GIVE IN TO THE POWER OF THE ONION NINJAS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

Fave lines:

 

Aw, this was so sweet, and nice to see Ben let it all out - especially about not really getting to know Mara when he was little.

 

Wow! That was intense...and depressing!

I shouldn't read angst filled stories until DRL gives me a break. Both letters were beautifully written.

 

I agree with the above these were beautifully and well written. I love the reference of Mara's 'softy' side that Ben will keep as his secret and how Luke's eyes light up when talking about Mara.

 

Lovely and touching. A perfect insight in Ben's character

 

I think I'm depressed...but its okay. Really beautiful. I think profic doesn't give Ben enough credit or depth, considering who his parents are! You did that beautifully. Amazing!!! I love the glimpses into Luke in the one to Mara, but I almost like the Jacen one more. I think its so real and raw and totally how I can see him feeling! (even though I've tried like 12 times to actually read that horrible series and couldn't stomach it. So bad.)

Going to go find a ginchy fix to make me feel better

Irish

 

Wow, the Mara one was beautiful. Very well-written!

 

Catching up - These letters are absolutely gorgeous. Beautifully expressed, and heartbreaking. And I'm now I'm going to sit quietly in the corner and try not to sniffle too loudly..

 

I am sooo sorry I never replied to you guys... I could have sworn I did.
Bad Mav!
Please don't think I don't love you all for reading and commenting because I certainly do!

It's the ninjas, they always make people cry!
Thank you!

Thank you so much! That's exactly what I was going for.

It's always the ninjas... they cut onions, they make it rain on people's face, they get us in a lot of trouble those ninjas.

Thank you! That part almost got me while I was writing... imagining the look on Luke's face when talking about Mara...

Thanks! I think that's what depresses me the most about Mara dying, that Ben didn't get more time with her... Luke too, of course.

Sorry! I have a tendency to write depressing things... I've never figured out why that it or what it says about me. But thank you! I hope DRL is being nicer to you now!

Thank you! I've always been a sucker for Mara's softer side so I wanted to show that Ben knew about it and love that part of her.

Thank you so much! I love me some Ben, he will always be canon to me!

Sorry about the depressing writing!
The pro stuff after Mara died I felt like really delved into his character and while I had a lot of problems with some of it, the Luke and Ben stuff was fantastic!
In some ways, the stuff the Jacen was easier to write, the anger is easier to get into for me rather than the all consuming sadness.
Thanks for reading!

Thank you very much!

Thanks so much! I hope they didn't make you too sad!

 

Note from Mav: So I've had this written since before I post the last one, but it just never felt right. It feels a little better now after stepping away and then coming back, but still parts that I think could use some work. But after 6 months of sitting on it, I decided to go ahead and post. There will be one or two more letters, hopefully not 6 months from now. I hope you... enjoy?? That may not be the right word for it.


~*~*~*~*~


Dear Dad,

It's been a while since I wrote one of these letters, thankfully I haven't needed to in a long time. I remember the day you took me to the psychologist for the first time, I was so upset you thought I needed fixing. But soon after I started seeing her, I realized it was helping, though of course, I was loathe to admit it. Did I ever thank you for making me see her? I doubt I did, I was too young to really realize the impact of Jacen and Mom's death on my life.

I'll say it now, thank you.

One of the things the psychologist had me do at the time was write letters in order to get my feelings organized and out in the open. I wrote one to Jacen telling him how he hurt me, hurt us. I wrote one to mom telling her how I missed her and how I wished we'd had more time. Writing to them, even though it was something no one would see but me, really did help me sort out my feelings, especially because they were gone.

So now I'm writing one to you.

First, I want to thank you, and not just as your son, I want to thank you as a being of this galaxy. You were pulled from your childhood and thrust into saving us all, something you did over and over again, often to your own determent and to the disdain of others. The sacrifices you made were astounding and they could have destroyed you, but they didn't.

I do also want to thank you as your son, I don't know what might have become of me without you calming wisdom. I know you were devastated when mom died and there for awhile, I thought I was going to lose you too, but you pulled yourself out of your grief and did what needed to be done, as you always have. I'm so glad you decided to stick with us all, continue to teach what you knew and had learned of the Force. I know it could not have been easy when you barely knew anything yourself in the beginning.

Do you remember that time a few years after mom died that I wanted to go off on my own and see the galaxy? I know you didn't want me to go, and I said some terrible things to you, but you didn't hold me back and welcomed me home with open arms. I still feel terrible for the things I said, but I think I learned so much from you in that moment, I certainly didn't see it that way at the time, though. To watch someone do something you know is a terrible idea must be so difficult, even knowing it's something that must be done. I hope I remember that lesson when the day comes that my children need to be set free.

I'm so grateful that you lived to see me find someone that I love as much as you loved mom. And now that I've experienced that love, I'm so amazed at how you hung on and didn't try to join her as soon as you could, I really don't know that I would be so strong. I'm so happy that you got to know the love of my life and that you loved each other. That your granddaughter got to know you and will remember you so fondly. Jade will remember your laugh as she danced around, spinning until she would fall over. She'll remember how you would make her "owies" go away, not with the Force but with a hug and a kiss... okay, and maybe just a bit of Force healing.

I'm sad that your grandson won't get to experience those things with you. Yes, Lakara is pregnant. We had planned to tell you soon, but we never got the chance. It kills me that I didn't tell you as soon as we knew, we selfishly wanted to keep it just between us and now we'll never have the chance to see the look on your face. But please know that our son will know you and mom, that our daugther will not forget you and you will both will always be in their lives.

Other than my wife and children, I think my proudest moment was when I became a Master. I know this wasn't something you did because I am your son, but because you and the other Masters felt like I was worthy of such rank. To have it be you who you bestow me with the rank, not because you were Luke Skywalker, but because you are my father was a moment I will always treasure.

It wasn't easy being Luke Skywalker's kid. Other kids were always thinking I got special treatment, but I never looked at you as the figure head of society as others did, but just as my dad and that's exactly how you treated me. I know you must have been very busy, but you never failed to have time for me, even once I became and adult. You never failed to have time for Lakara and Jade, no matter what time of day or night or what else was going on.

As much as I'm going to miss our late night talks about mom, life, children and as much as I'm going to miss how tight your arms went around me every time you hugged me, the way you made Jade laugh when she was hurt or upset, how you'd check on Lak when I was away, as much as I'm going to miss all those things and more, I'm glad you can finally be at rest.

I'm happy you and mom can finally be together again. Just don't forget to check in on us everyone now and then, okay?

I love you. Rest well.

- Ben

 

mavjade - now if that isn't one of the most! most! touching things! Thank you for sharing that lovely tender and loving and proud tribute!

 

This touched me because my parents died when my children were very young. My boys don't remember them. I talk about my parents and my grandparents a lot. My boys may not remember their time with them, but they will know about their grandparents from me.

This was a very sweet letter.

 

This speaks to me. I've not yet warmed up and I might never warm up to the post-ROTJ legends universe apart from Legacy and therefore, all I know about most of characters is what I learned from Wook, so I don't know if this is in-character or whatever, but I know too well how it feels to be born to parents who didn't have them in their 20s, with grandparents already gone and all.

Plus, there is this fear of what Jedi_Lover just described happening to me, provided that I ever get married and have children. My dad is already gone, my mom is 74.

Thanks for having brought up a less-rosy side of what is usually depicted as an idealised family of beautiful people, the inevitable, grim future of the one who remains behind.