Saga - OT My Holodrama Is Like Life (OC's)--DDC 2016--Author replies and update (9/14)

Early afternoon, after a frustrating morning and exhausting night before

The scene opens on a young actress sitting in her agent's office at nine in the morning. An extra large travel mug of Jimicia Green Mountain kahve sits on the right corner of the agent's desk, keeping a Dalonian crystal paperweight and a small wooden box of cigars company. The actress is slouched in a red overstuffed chair, wearing sunglasses because she had a long night at Opticsolar. (No, the actress is not old enough to drink, but she was part of a large group who left yet another premiere of some holofilm that will be forgotten in a month...for the record, the actress did not kick down anything alcoholic. She has a father back home she doesn't want to disappoint).

Okay, so I was the actress sitting in the agent’s office. I’ve been doing some amateur screenwriting during those hours when I’m not on set and figured this was a good place to make a first attempt at writing from third person POV. From now on I’ll write in first person.

Back to that meeting at Shen’s…Shen Mekori is my agent, unofficial uncle and official birth sponsor. He was Mom’s agent once upon a long ago, so it made sense he would look after my career. At least it was a little easier hearing the bad news from him. It wasn’t about getting a tabvid reporter catching me during the club crawl. I’m not worried Dad would believe any crap that gets posted on the Holonet. Some might believe I was getting drunk and doing every drug known to the Core, others won’t care about what the actions of a random minor celebrity. The bad news was about a series I wanted to do.

Let me provide a quick version of dialogue to describe how the meeting went down:

SHEN: I didn’t mean to get you out of bed soon after you fell into it. But I received the news overnight from Nimon and felt it would be unfair to keep you waiting.

ME: It’s not gonna be filmed.

SHEN: Unfortunately. We’ve had a major falling out because of the director. He’s unhappy with the script and wants to bring his own team onboard to completely tear it apart and put something new together. I’m sorry, but it’s the nature of this business.

Yeah, it’s the nature of the business for ego-tripping idiots to have their own agendas that get in the way of productions. I spent months training in Teräs Käsifor this show. I really love it because it gets rid of every last ounce of aggression that builds up during the week. The series was supposed to be some action production about a girl recruited to become a secret agent. It sounds terrible in writing, and probably wasn’t going to be much better in holographic form, but I still wanted to do it.

SHEN: At least you still have New World.

Shen’s been doing this agent stuff longer than most others, except for Swifty Lasar (but he’s a Wookiee), so he doesn’t get rattled when things go wrong. He would be the kind to view having any kind of project as good, because so many actors don’t get to work right now because of the Empire. But the fact I’m on a contrived romdram is frustrating.

ME: It’s just money.

SHEN: You are getting a higher rate.

ME: Because my name’s in the top credits. Which makes me a star, although that isn’t much of a status symbol.

SHEN: That should not matter to you.

ME: Why not?

That was a stupid question. Being important never meant anything to me before. I’ve always been more concerned about giving a good performance that entertains while challenging me as a person. When did the money and prestige suddenly become a concern?

I don’t know. I’m going back to bed. It’s not like I’ve got anything important scheduled for today.

 

I sort of assumed that Nalieza was going to be the protagonist of the DDC and I waited for this (and tried not to bother you about it until it materialises, tee-hee!), expecting a narrative where she cannot draw a line between her professional and private life...but this is even better!

The concept of an artist looking for a higher purpose is something that tends to be overlooked, as if it always had to be some sort of a trendsetting thing or a random eccentricity. And it's not. People looking for a higher purpose in life come in all shapes, colours and sizes. Given that Nalieza is the daughter of an actress and a professor, her views on almost anything are bound to be conflicting - which is exactly what will make this interesting, I get.

Now, the other concept explored at the very beginning of the first entry is just SPLENDID. The thing many of us dream as children, she imagines all of it by default. And it comes naturally to her, both with the concept of being an actress in her own life and err, having to disclose all these disclaimers for her imaginary audience, just like her agent would have to do for her actual audience. *shivers*

Nalieza seems to be depressed at the beginning of her journey and knowing what happened to Maiena, I'm concerned. And definitely waiting to see what happens next.

P.S. The structure and pseudo-change of POV in the middle of the chapter was delightful. Bold. And since it resembles dialogue from a script...even bolder. Who needs known forms, anyway? This is the right way to communicate an actress' journal!

 

Nicely done, leiamoody. Nalieza appears to be your average starlet, but has an unexpected depth and personal integrity. I like her.

 

Nalieza is a fascinating character, so artistic and intelligent, but still so affected by her family's circumstances. I love the idea of her life being both something to be lived and something to be observed - being an outsider to her own experiences. This is really in character with her career as an actress, somebody who makes the fictitious real for a living. It will be interesting to see where she draws the line between what she truly feels and desires and what she projects to others. The half-screenplay, half-first person narrative plays on this theme.

Looking forward to seeing where this progresses!

 

nm

 

Half past ten in the morning, between Takes 14 and 15
Every main character has a backstory. Since I’m the central protagonist (“protagonist” sounds really noble, doesn’t it? Like I’m on some grand adventure instead of just going through the motions every day! But I’m in the holofilm industry, and we’re supposed to be all about creating the amazing and impossible…but my story is really average…yet the “everyday hero” is always popular…)

My first memory is the sound of ships arriving and departing from the spaceport on Aeithera. I was two years old, and my father had gone there after Mom died. He needed to get away from Lacace, and couldn’t go back to Ultraia. So he accepted a job offer in the History department at the Cultural University (he is a professor of Pre-Republic History) and moved us there. That’s why my first memory is the sounds of arriving and departing ships; Dad spent a couple hours hanging around Krisoti Spaceport trying to get his head together before going to our new house.

Pretty soon afterward G'mata Lorela moved in with us. Dad sent me off to a private day school when I was six because he wanted me to be around kids my own age. I grew up surrounded by love but not people. Since I'm Ultraian by genetics, I prefer my own company. Dad and Mom both like/liked spending time in the midst of their favorite objects. Dad has a bunch of antiques in his office, while Mom had her paintings in the little room where she practiced dreamwork. I have an ever-growing collection of holofilms that keep me company. It was years before I realized the significance of my connection to flickering images of fictional people and places.

I always felt different from other kids, and even adults, but I didn't understand why until years later. So I followed Dad's example and kept my distance, which was okay for the both of us. But the fact I played alone, created my own worlds bothered G'mata. She took me out to different homes of children of other university professionals in order to play with their kids. It gave her chances to leave the house and talk with others. She left all her family and friends on Ultraia when she came to live on Aeithera. At least she got something from those visits. G'mata's efforts were kind, but her efforts to give me childhood friends failed.

Dad sent me to a private school in the city instead of somewhere more prestigious like the Pallas Academy. Again I suffered from isolation, and six years old wasn’t too early for me to understand the reason. It was a trait I shared in common with Mom: some weird connection to a great energy that the Jedi used to call "The Force".

I do go out with some acquaintances from around the industry. Garon Vale is the guy I'm currently dating...the young man who gets seen with me out in public when I'm not hanging out in a crowd of industry kids...do I call him my boyfriend? I really like hanging out with him...he's the person I'm closest to on Lacace other than Shen. We met on the set of his first music video, back when he was aiming for a decent multimedia deal. I don't normally go dancing around in other people's vids, but I agreed to appear in Garon's vid for charity. We started talking on the set and realized we're both performers who don't like being caught up within this industry. We connected, I danced, and one year later I hate calling him "boyfriend". That word is juvenile and makes it seem like we're two kids who don't take anything seriously. Plus there's something permanent about calling him...do I love him? If I need to ask, then probably not.

So how did I wind up on Lacace? I was born here, then came back ten years later to start appearing on New World as the long-lost daughter (Niddry Rone) of my mother's long-disappeared character (Selan Rone). (The producers decided to say her character was kidnapped instead of allowing her to die. I wish real life had the same option). How does any character disappear/get reconstructive surgery/ suffer memory loss/ develop multiple personalities/become possessed by demons/ any other crap that gets dreamed up by bored writers? It usually happens offscreen!

Anyway...I'm blonde for the next couple months. Niddry is having personal issues, including the required identity crisis that translates into some alteration of physical appearance. I was born with black hair, and this dye job is only temporary. But it's still weird looking into the mirror and seeing another version of me staring back. Maybe Niddry will undergo another hair transformation and throw in another color, like Ultra Red Onion Nebula...yeah, I could imagine myself as a redhead...

What else is there to know about me? I currently live in Aurora Canals, where I actually live in a castle! No, really, I live in a house that's shaped like a small castle. It’s about three hundred years old, so obviously I didn’t ask for it to be constructed that way. Aurora Canals is the rare neighborhood on Lacace where natural water still exists instead of artificial structures made from recycled water and duracrete. But that’s your typical city-planet: overdeveloped, overpopulated, and underwhelming (once you get past all the sparkly lights and glowing holographic neon). I love jatz music, something inherited or imprinted into my brain by Dad (probably imprinted because he always plays it late at night when grading assignments). My favorite breakfast/lunch/dinner is rianberry muffins and a liter of Jimicia Green Mountain kahve (the university students back home really like this combo. Dad and Shen both tell me I need a better diet).

The director is looking over at me. We’re ready for another take. More incoherent musings to come later.

 

First of all - an apology for things I got wrong in the previous chapter, re:depression (I was referring to the mood that comes and goes, not the actual mood disorder - should've pointed that out) and the entry structure. Hope it wasn't hurtful.

I grew up surrounded by love but not people.

Nalieza's first memory being ships coming and going is somewhat optimistic at this point in time, otherwise they would have just been going. I sense a degree of detachment from Paurilis, which, sure, is in Ultraian genetics, but still? The atmosphere we have here is almost like ghostly figures moving around and that's definitely not what would one usually associate with childhood.

It was years before I realized the significance of my connection to flickering images of fictional people and places.

I am not going to say anything spoilerific here, but heeeeeeeeeey.

Another thing that comes to my mind here is sleep deprivation. The things she's sharing, while informative for us, are incredibly incoherent for an actual conversation. I guess that's what happens after repeating something for fourteen times. Funny enough, even her diet is repetitive.

Looking forward to more.

 

nm

 

nm

 

Middle of the night/early, early morning

Hello, insomnia.

I can’t sleep.

Again.

Third night in a row.

I’ve decided tonight I’m going to do something different since I’m awake. I’m going to do something practical yet mystical. The Old High Ultraian word for what I want to do is something I can’t remember, but it translates into Basic as “dreamwork”. Dreamwork sounds weird, and does seem odd because you go into someone else’s head and walk around in their dreams. But it actually helps beings with mental problems. It’s usually practiced as part of Ultraian folk medicine, which means most people somehow think it’s strictly religious. But it’s integrated as part of the medical establishment back on the Old World. It’s been practiced for over a thousand years, and there’s a whole bunch of practitioners on the Isoderi side of my bloodlines…including Mom when she lived.

Now I want to begin understanding the process, so maybe I can practice dreamwork one day. But it’s a complicated learning curve. There are written materials available through the Holonet (more precisely, via the Cultural University archives since Dad has security access). It’s easier to learn from one of the aidents (those who practice dreamwork). Most of them live on Ultraia …but that would mean going back to Ultraia. There are some bad memories for me there, due to various personality conflicts with the people who gave birth to Mom (legally known as grandparents, but I cannot think of them as anything more than

I'm sitting on the bed with a datafile of the Tome of Universal Symbology and a bag of ground-up sonhar leaves. The universal symbols tome is a book of common dream symbols. Sonhar is an herb used to get someone (in this case, me) into the Dreamscape.

I'm not sure how the sonhar is supposed to work, except that it's a hallucinogenic. At least I know this stuff either gets smoked (uh, no) or made into a drink called sonhara. I'll go the sonhara route, although it might be hard to find thanatoberries on Lacace, so I can’t follow the original recipe. I'm definitely going to need a lot of sweetener, because sonhar herb is apparently bitter tasting.

Of course there is another way I could enter the Dreamscape, although the Guild of Aidents insist this possibility isn't real. They "recommend" the use of sonhar in order to go from the Awakened State into the Dreamscape. But some practitioners claimed to use the Force instead of sonhar. But the Guild never permitted this during the centuries when Force users were allowed to exist. They've always insisted upon equal access for all dream practitioners as part of tradition. Ultraians always viewed the Jedi with suspicion, and extended that bias toward anyone with Force sensitivity. That prejudice along with the government currently running the galaxy means it’s difficult to prove that sonhar isn’t the only way to get into other beings’ dreams.

But, again, I really need to sleep first.

Plus I need to figure out why I want to do all of this.

Maybe I want to understand Mom better. The woman called Maiena Isoderi was an actress/aident/wife/mother has never felt real to me. I've been looking for some real connection with her. The only way I've been able to understand her is through images. Even in real life still holos she was playing a role, hiding depression behind a smile for most of her life.

So I got into acting just like her and now I'm going to study dreamwork? Is that the only reason why I feel the need to do something different? Of course not...right?

This is what happens when you can't sleep, bored with everything, and don't know who you're supposed to be. Yes, a teenage personality crisis.

Everyone has the right to change his or her life, no matter the reason. I shouldn’t feel weird about doing this…although it’s strange that I’m really following too much in Mom’s footsteps. That’s not good. But I could make my pursuit into something different. I don’t know how. Yet.

 

OH.WOW.

This is not going to be one of those long comments, but I wanted to let you know that I clapped my hands at the whole idea of this particular chapter. So many artistic people with trendy high purpose pursuits claim they have seen god and all and here, Nalieza appears to be more or less doubting that any sort of a proper connection to these dreamscapes can exist without the Force. I can totally see how some dreamwork practicioners may be fakes and why they're aware of actual Force sensitives. I...can't wait for her to get into this and do the things that were nothing but delusions and hallucinations to others.

Her whole approach of life is just the way I like it - a blend of realistic skepticism and spirituality that works for sensitive people.

Keep it coming, keep it coming, please! No pressure, just pure support here. Loving it! <3

 

Fascinating look into Nalieza’s early life, her father distant and absorbed in his work as a professor and his hours lost in research. They are both grieving the loss of her mother; although for Nalieza, it isn’t so much a loss as a recognition that something important is missing. Paurilis strikes me as a kind but quiet man, someone who doesn’t make a fuss or draw attention to himself, so he would cave inward when his wife died. He loves his daughter but doesn’t show it as effusively as other parents might.

But that is fine with Nalieza. She understands that he loves her. Maybe she can read his feelings through the Force?
The part with G’mata is very touching. Here is the grandmother trying desperately to make her grandchild happy and well adjusted, but not knowing that Nalieza already is fine and well-adjusted, just not the way G’mata expects to see it. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Nalieza, like her father, prefers to be alone.

Her return to Lacase is rather unsettling, not only because she is ten years old and on her own, working in a soap opera. The whole idea of her pretending to be the daughter of her own mother – well, if that doesn’t do something to the mind of a child, I’m not sure what would. This ties back to what I said earlier about Nalieza being both within and without in her world. The observer and the actor, the fictitious and the real.

The dreamwork entry is amazing. Just like Nalieza walks among the fictitious characters of her dramas, playing something so close to reality and yet just far enough removed to be not quite hers, here she is contemplating walking amid the dreams of another and observing their effects on the real person.


Excellent updates! Your worlds and the characters in them are so real and thought provoking.

 

Early afternoon, nowhere in particular
So it turns out I share my agent with a bartender/model. She's named Koury Vita, and works at Opticsolar. It’s funny what you discover walking into said agent's office and almost bumping into the other person. I delayed yet another meeting with Shen (this time for another movie) while I talked to Koury in the hallway. I've seen her on the vid in commercials. I didn't notice her at the club, although she's famous for the Cosmic Rose Shooter. (Lacace always loves all kinds of momentary flavors). Apparently the bags under my eyes are getting bigger, because Koury told me about her therapist who's got some great sleep remedies. (Everybody has medical friends around here. Either their doctor can write prescriptions, or their "provider" gives them holistic remedies for everything from a headache to cancer).

I could have just told her I wasn't interested, but something else Koury told me caught my attention. I should go into script format for this part of the conversation:

Koury: You remind me of my girlfriend on Coruscant.

Me: (Suddenly confused, wondering if she was on something from her therapist) Should I ask how?

Koury: You've got the mystical vibe like her. Mea's really into spirituality. Not like me, but it makes sense.

Me: (Wondering if a mystical aura gives off some invisible smell like perfume): I don't believe in spirits.

Koury looked at me like I was crazy, and maybe she was right. Right after I said those words, I realized they formed a dumb sentence. Spirituality isn't about ghosts, and the ideal of the spirit isn't the same as a ghost. Spirit animates the flesh with a sense of purpose; yet a ghost is devoid of flesh or purpose.

But my answer was defensive, not only because I didn't appreciate the perception of my supposed spirituality from a stranger but also due to fear that someone might overhear and possibly make a confession to the local ISB office. Being Force sensitive with the Emperor and his goons running around, I'm afraid of being discovered. I don't know any other Force sensitives, because anyone else is probably doing the same thing as me: hiding in the shadows. But Koury's comment about her girlfriend makes me wonder if there's somebody else hiding in plain sight.

Lucky me, Koury just laughed at my stupid comment and told me some more about this mysterious girlfriend.

Koury: I mean she's not part of this...reality. She's always thinking on another level.

Me: Like she's got her head in the stratosphere.

Koury: Higher. More like other universes.

That caught my attention, because I realized she wasn't kidding. It's hard to describe how serious Koury was about her girlfriend's otherworldly demeanor. I still couldn't resist another joke:

Me: She must smoke really good stuff.

Another dumb remark, yes, but I still find it hard to believe somebody else other than me has thoughts of places and people unseen. That makes me appear self-centered. But it's hard to know in this profession and on this planet if your feelings are real. Everything in the entertainment industry is meant for fantasy.

I might need to meet Koury’s girlfriend (named Meaithe Akam, as I found out later in the conversation).

But that is for the future. Right now, I’ve decided to contact Koury’s therapist. Maybe she can help me out in the sleep department.

 

BAAAAH, this is good stuff. Love seeing Koury and even more pleased to read that she's now out and that she has a girlfriend. I assume that the said therapist helped her a lot, so I can't wait to see how Nalieza will find balance between psychotherapy and spirituality. Those two together work wonders.

And the more Nalieza denies her connection to the supernatural, the more obvious it is that she has it. We cannot remove that from our subconsciousness, it's only the chosen ones that have it and sooner or later, she'll be proud of it. On the other hand, with the ISB running around, I wonder if she's 100% cynical or, say, 50% cynical and 50% careful.

Koury: I mean she's not part of this...reality. She's always thinking on another level.

Me: Like she's got her head in the stratosphere.

Koury: Higher. More like other universes.

I need to meet that girl, too! Hope she's in the next entry.

 

Ten minutes after first appointment with Covianna Leolyn

I discovered something important during my initial appointment with Koury’s therapist, and it wasn’t just some good sleep methods. This woman (Covianna Leolyn) trained on Ultraia in one of the dream temples in aident techniques. So now I have someone to guide me in the complicated learning process for dreamwork…although I haven’t asked her for help yet. But she knows about my interest, and hopefully she won’t refuse when I do ask her.

All this information came out during our discussion. My first appointment had to be scheduled for nine this morning, because I’ve got yet another meeting with Shen at eleven followed by lunch with Garon. I went over there to her office in Arcadia Towers (seventy-five floors up…at least the lifts don’t look out over the city, because I would have deposited my breakfast everywhere). The waiting room has a lot of overstuffed chairs and a little water fountain in one corner; the other three corners are covered in flowers and other kinds of potted plants. (I don’t have any green thumbs, so I can’t say what the plants are…but Covianna seems to like purple and pink flowers). Her waiting room basically looks like a clinical meditation garden.

Her office (or "meeting space", as she prefers to call it) is a cross between a small library (with real antique hardcover books) and a closet (including more overstuffed furniture and a rocking chair she picked up on Ultraia...there's no desk, which goes along with her casual approach to counseling). The biggest piece of furniture is this silk brocade couch with an embroidered blanket draped over the back. So I got to lie on it for a little while (not because Covianna told me to do so, but that couch is comfortable) and got to look up at the stained glass effect transparisteel dome in the ceiling. There's a lot of color in that office; which is unlike other therapists where the color is predominantly gray, with the occasional touches of white and some version of blue. It's all very neutral, upscale, and boring. But in Covianna's office everything looks and feels different. I felt like it was okay to be open, although not quite so open I felt comfortable enough to reveal my Force problem.

About those sleep remedies...I wanted something quick, like a pill or liquid that could be swallowed between those scheduled moments in my life. Unfortunately Covianna doesn't believe in giving teenagers prescription drugs unless absolutely necessary. She believes in the holistic approach for me because I want to get into dreamwork. Yet she doesn't believe in using sonhara because of the side effects from using it too much. But she isn't against the idea of medication completely. So I got a little basket filled with herbs that are supposed to help with sleep.

A couple of them (thymina, rantha weed, Star of Ysonesse) are not familiar, but the one I do know is native to Ultraia, although I always saw it used more for calming than sleeping. Lyka clover grows in the southern hemisphere, and is considered a sedative by country practitioners. It's common in most Ultraian kitchens, even ones that happen to be off-world. She used lyka clover whenever she felt jittery, and I know G'mata slipped a few leaves into Dad's food whenever he got really stressed. I even drank some in milk tea when I was little. But this will be my first time using lyka clover by itself.

I definitely have future appointments with Covianna. She'll introduce me to the inner workings of dreamwork (maybe, eventually). Could I get to practice going into her dreamscape so I can gain practical experience? Maybe that's weird. Going into my therapist's mind and wandering through her dreams is freaky. But maybe it's only fair considering I'm letting her into my thoughts.

So I don't have a good relationship with therapy. That's something I need to work on...probably in therapy (ha!). Well, that's the route I'm going down anyway.

But that’s only if these herbs work, and I can finally sleep for more than three hours any given night.

 

nm

 

"These replies are late and not terribly descriptive as compared to your reviews, though."

I see no difference. We're noisy, we want to know more and you give us more. That's a thoughtful author right here!

Entry 5:

The colour comparison got me intrigued. Are the "grey therapists" make me think of the whole health system basically just spewing a bit of Imperial doctrine into their patients, and Covianna is doing her own thing, sort of unconsciously protesting against that. The room itself is pretty interesting as well. In the cold and sterile surrounding of the OT-era Galaxy, it's got to make a person feel much more...real.

The whole approach with using less intoxicating herbs that are OK for a teenager is interesting, though I suspect that they will work as placebo in Nalieza's case, as she has the Force and does not need anything else.

Needless to say that I'm interested in all these plants and how they work. I know that the word Ysonesse is a part of your nickname on another site and I'm intrigued.

Lyka clover makes me think of some strange spin on nutmeg. Nutmeg is a hallucinogenic in large amounts and a common spice in small amounts. And yup, I know that lycka means joy/happiness in Swedish - that thing sure has an appropriate name.

Nalieza's teenage cynicism - or as people here would say, "snark" - is masterfully depicted. I got a giggle out of I don't have a good relationship with therapy. That's something I need to work on...probably in therapy (ha!).


One thing that probably won't make sense to anybody is how I refreshed the page this morning and then, there it was, your avatar, some sort of a mosaic. I was like "Oh, the ceiling at Covianna's meeting space! Great!"

 

So I am five million light years behind in commenting on everybody's stuff, but wanted to say that I'm glad this is running again.

 

nm

 

After lunch, early afternoon

Right after the appointment with Covianna I jetted over to have lunch with Garon. This new place in Celestine Plaza is one of thirty current “hot spots” where trendies want to be spotted. Unfortunately Garon is no different than the rest of that crowd. He finally got a center spot in the courtyard at Lily of the Comet, a little eatery that just opened in honor of the upcoming appearance of Opal the frozen ice ball with a tail. It figures that somebody would open a temporary restaurant just for a comet that shows up every ninety years, or some blockbuster that's popular for a month. That's Lacace for you; everything's ephemeral.

Garon and I haven’t seen much of each other lately, and that's only partially due to our conflicting schedules. He’s been in the studio recording his first album as part of the four-album deal he’s got with Millennium Entertainment, while I’ve been doing my little romdram. But the schedules aren’t the only reason we haven’t seen each other more than five times in the past month.

I understand, in some weird vibrational fashion that Garon and me have two different futures. He’s a singer who wants to be famous; I’m an actress who wants to stop being kind of famous. We’ve always had different personalities, not just because of our respective professions. What brought us together was a shared disaffection with how things run here on Lacace. Maybe that was enough to keep us going in our limited way for two years. I didn’t want to feel left out; other people my age were dating and involved
in different kinds of relationships when I first met Garon. I was only fifteen, and definitely sheltered even though I’d been here since I was ten.

But when does this relationship end? Maybe I'm supposed to date a Jedi like that one dream which keeps getting put on random repeat every couple months. I mean, it doesn't make any sense, considering there aren't any Jedi guys running around the galaxy...plus wern't they celibate? But whatever happens, I do realize Garon and me are not going to last. So who makes the first step towards the inevitable?

Well, it didn't happen today at lunch. Instead there was cold jasmine tea, herd's bounty salad, and a couple of fancy sandwiches with organic bantha flavored paste in the center. (Note to my future self: never eat organic bantha flavored paste again. It's awful and it gives you gas). We talked about the usual stuff: work, the latest gossip (did I know such-and-who is dating who-is-that? No, but should I care?), and the quality of the food and the decor. Plus we got into some weird discussion about my outfit...shall I demonstrate through dialogue? It helps give a kind of clear picture about the state of our relationship.

(Note: I was wearing a flippy little pink dress, so that explains why the color is emphasized in the little extract I'm quoting here).

GARON: So you've got that look going on. (Mind you, he was saying this with a mouth full of Ooglata egg).


ME: Yeah, so?

GARON: Well, you don't normally wear something like that...(waves his fork in the direction of my dress).

ME: I wanted to put on something different. The weather control guys are calling up summer. (Lacace is one of those planets trying out cloud seeding and atmospheric manipulation. Amazing we have hyperspace but still have trouble controlling rain).

GARON: We get summer once or twice a year. You've never put on anything like that before.

ME: Like what? It's a dress. It's a pink dress.

GARON: But it's not like you.

ME: What is supposed to be like me?

(Here is the slight hint of discomfort from a young man who doesn't like being jealous, and isn’t really sure if he is jealous. A half-shrug, a little frown, looking down into the remains of a salad. Maybe he isn't jealous. He might simply be afraid of losing someone familiar.)


ME: It's not the dress that's bothering you. Probably not even the color, right?

GARON: I've never seen you wear pink. It looks good on you.

(Now I felt guilty. Maybe he doesn't want things over with. Or maybe he wants to hang on to whatever is left between us because the future is always the future...scary and unknown. Maybe that's why I still feel guilty thinking about calling it off with him. I'm afraid of what's coming next for me. Not just because of the dreamwork stuff, but I'll be meeting Koury's girlfriend in two weeks. She's coming to visit during Coruscant's version of school break. Meaithe Akam is probably just like me, at least based on what Koury has told me about her girlfriend. I'm starting to count Koury as someone I might be able to call a friend...not that she has anything wrong, but I've never been able to call anyone near my own age a friend. Except for Garon, and that all got confused when we started dating. Then I might become friends with Meaithe because we're both Force sensitive. So I've got this new future moving toward me. I don't know what to expect, just like Garon with his career. I guess we'll cling to each other for now, until the future gets hold of us and finally changes everything).