Saga - ST [TFA-inspired fic and drabbles (crossovers permitted)]

Okay, this is probably a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad joke, but I just can't resist, so:

If you add two more letters to the wife's name, Snoke would be married to weed.

 

Not bad at all, I like the elements of classical mythology you put in there, I've always been interested in Greek and Roman culture. Also like the Doctor Who reference with be weeping angels. I could imagine Snoke as a typical old man in Crete, you did a good job Portraying him that way.

 

Ewok Poet - Thank you, I love everything about your review. Don't get why the "sith tonne of sea gods" quote had you laughing like a drain, though.

Cowgirl Jedi 1701 - thank you for the observation.

Emperor Ferus - Cheers. I am glad I managed to portray Snoke as an old man, okay; though the first eight lines were written by somebody else.

 

Okay. I read these stories as you posted them, and I didn't even "like" your posts to say that I had been here, which kind of sucks But now that I re-read the whole lot (and distributed the "likes" as I should in the first place), you get a big fat review to compensate.

Island Surprise

Oh the laughs, the laughs! I stared laughing when the lightsaber spoke to Luke, and I couldn't stop laughing until the end. The idea of Mara in a bikini on Skellig Island, her lightsaber at her side... no wonder you got a nom for that one too, it's one of the zaniest ideas I've ever read. I loved your snark at TFA, "he left the academy before you taught him any moves, that doesn't half-sound like what I did when I first met Han", etc. And the idea that Luke and Mara are there because they're on a holiday organised by Interstellar Tours? Okay, I'm going to stop now because instead of listing every detail of this story that made me laugh, I could copy-paste the story instead.

Jokes aside now, I particularly loved Mara in this story. Even throughout the zaniness, her characterisation was spot-on: bossy, snarky and no-nonsense. Her final line about waiting for the cruise ship did me in

The Millenium Falcon

Another story to prove that when you don't like something, sarcasm is the best defense and the best defense is offense.

This was a festival of everything that could go wrong on every possible level of the TFA plot. The scene I particularly enjoyed was the passage in the Starkiller Base command room -- Kylo going hysterical, Hux snubbing him, and no one having thought that a black hole at the heart of the planet was a bad idea. BTW, is this black hole thing something you made up, or was it mentioned somewhere in the movie or other canon material? I don't seem to remember it, but I don't pay much attention to such details.

Sage Advice

I've got to say that I was a bit lost on this one -- which isn't criticism, it's just that I felt you were referring to stuff I don't know. I do know that Yav is an OC of yours, but I haven't read those stories yet; however I also got the impression reading this that there was an element of crossover, but with which fandom?

Hospital Visit

Now I'm back on safer territory, because I didn't need any explanations to follow this one I hope your muse helps you recover the end, because this was good fun too, although it does touch upon more serious topics than the others -- and this showed very early on, with the idea that the old Rebel medical frigate had been repurposed as a brainwashing centre for children kidnapped by the FO. That was a good action scene between Kylo and Twelve! But once again, what shone in this story was the snark. One reason I would like you to write the end is that I want to know what happened to the delightful Philippa. I understand that she won't get her underwear back, but a woman who flirts and laughs with a former Saber Guard definitely has something going for her.

Snoke: Pirates

This was absolutely precious! I didn't catch the Doctor Who reference on my first read -- I did a lot of Doctor Who reading on Wikipedia for another fic I'm following, so now I know what Weeping Angels are, but the concept fits so seamlessly with your references to Greek mythology that it didn't really matter in the first place.

I love this concept of Snoke as an old man with a wife who calls him Snookey and turns into a statue every time he looks at her -- and I love the fact that you made him into something of a peeping tom, because for some unexplainable reason that makes sense for him. What really made me squee though was how you integrated elements of mythology in the story *and* in the snark. The exchange about Leucothea still being up on Mount Olympus was hilarious.


I'm looking forward to reading the two other Snoke stories you have in mind!

 

Star Wars: The Last Jedi drabble​

Dwarfed by the massive snake, Admiral Holdo used the Force to confirm that the cloaked Resistance transports were safely enroute to the Rebel base on Crait.

She lifted a hand to the barely perceptible line on her throat, getting a thumbnail under it, and gently peeled the mask and purple wig off.

"Whew." Breathed Darth Enemy. "It has been one frak of a day."

Bright green laser bolts lanced wide of the Raddus, fireballing the cloaked convoy.

"What?"

"What did we say? Save the Resistance, and don't **** with Poe."

"Again, not gay! Oh!" Enemy rounded on the Slith. "You meant-"

The End?​

 

Kriff yeah! Darth Enemy is back!

 

WHAT.THE.HECK!

 

@Cowgirl Jedi 1701 @Ewok Poet

Thank you for reading, and for the feedback.

Whether for the mere presence of my oddly popular Sith Lord, or because you got the drabble, I am glad you enjoyed it.

 

LOOOOOOL! Darth Enemy is back, and in the most unexpected guise, together with his Slith pals! I can just imagine what his life has been like over the centuries with a bunch of giant snakes stalking him everywhere he goes...

... until he disguises himself as Holdo. With a purple wig. And then he finds out that Poe is under the Slith's "protection".

I'm going to continue laughing offline now, if that's okay.

 

Well, Holdo/ Darth Enemy ****** with Poe, by not telling him that she/he even had a trumpet; whilst your second favourite Sith Lord thought they meant in a carnal sense.

 

This Search Was Brought To You By The Colour Yellow​

Day 1 - Jakku

Poe Dameron had been within the tent of the small settlement for half the day, waiting for Lor San Tekka, the yellow sun beating him back into the vital shade to wait for the man's return in the evening.

Upon Tekka's return, Poe fidgeted while the former explorer shook the sand out of his outer cloak, took a long draught of liquid from what he hoped was a bottle, but looked like the dried stomach from some beast.

"Alright, Old Man." He finally began. "I don't know how close the First Order is, so how about this map to Luke Skywalker."



Day 2 - Finalizer Star Destroyer, over Jakku

Kylo Ren, General Armitage Hux, and the skirted Chief Petty Officer Unamo, stood in a discrete corner of the bridge, away from what passed for lighting, though it was helped by the golden glow reflected off the desert planet, and streaming in through the triangular windows.

The General glared at both in turn, remembering when both had been wee nippers, visiting his command back when he had been a mere captain, and both had been teenage children.

"That's how you conduct a search for a map?" Kylo was querying in an annoyingly arch tone. "With TIE fighters strafing a planetary settlement with laser fire?"

"My Lord-" Hux tried, only for Ren to hold up the palm of a black-gloved hand, a clear indication that Ren had not finished speaking.

The Force Sensetive had clear instructions from Supreme Leader Snoke himself, that he was to slice up a wall or equipment, rather than the crew, if he felt himself flipping out, but the lad's impulse control was not the best, so Hux put his chin up, and shut up.

"Whether made of flimsi, or stored in an astromech, maps don't hold up well to blaster fire and explosions, General."

"I tried to tell him." Unamo sympathised.



Day....oh, I dunno - D'Qar Resistance Base

A flap opened in the side of the spherical orange-and-white BB8 droid, and a little data stick poked out, which Dameron pinched between thumb and forefinger to pull out, straightened as he turned, handing the sought-after data to a Resistance technician, who in turn, crossed to a holoprojector.

Soon, over a dozen personnel, their faces bathed in blue light, gazed up at a large holographic map of a sector of the galaxy, only there was an obvious near-rectangle cut out of it.

Most annoyingly, a thick white line started to zigzag between light points that were obviously stars, before diving into the void space, and not coming out the other side.

A damp-eyed Princess Leia sighed in annoyance. "I thought we had it that time."

"I know." Poe agreed, his expression equally grim. "I went through a lot to get that."

BB8 blatted accusingly up at him.

"Alright, we went through a lot. Aw c'mon, buddy!" He added as the droid rolled off, thinking that it was sulking, only to see it head over to the deactivated blue-and-white astromech that had belonged to Luke Skywalker, Artoo Detoo. "BB8, we've already asked Artoo." He paused, then looked back at the other members of the Resistance senior personnel. "We've already asked him, right?"

In a matter of moments, his droid was back with some additional navigational data from the re-activated Artoo, and everyone watched as a smaller holograph was projected into the air above them, and slotted into the larger map like the last piece of a jigsaw.

"Hoth?" The red-armed See Threepio asked, continuing, "But we tried-mmmphhhh." A hand closed over his artificial mouth, and pulled him to the back of the crowd.

Leia looked round, pointing towards the girl that her husband had died saving. "New kid-"

"Rey." Rey corrected.

"Rey. Do you want to check this out? Return the lightsabre, and persuade him to come out of hiding. We'll throw a box of tissues through a stargate, whatever he needs."

"He's your brother. Shouldn't you go?"

"I have a funeral to plan."

"Oh right." Rey shrugged. "How am I supposed to get there?"

General Leia paused. "Oh right, yeah. Hang on. CHEWIE!!!"

"Whohrer?"


Day Whatever plus two, so, about 7? - Hoth

Rey and Chewbacca, together in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, dove down into Hoth's planetary atmosphere, the femme taking over the guiding of their direction, now that the map provided by Artoo and BB8 had led them to the planet.

"Wow, that's very white." She observed, seeing so much snow and ice for the first time.

"Awwgggghhh raaaaaahhgh wrrhw huurh, Aaahnruh?" Chewbacca enquired at length, furrowing his eyebrows at her with an air of mild suspicion.

"Yes, Jakku. What about it?" She remembered telling him and Han about her and Finn finding the Corellian freighter there, when Solo had found their hiding spot.

"Huuguughghg uughghhhgh aguhwwgggghhh wrrhwrwwhw huurh?"

"How come I haven't tanned? What's tanned?"

Not wishing to explain about melanin just yet, the Wookiee abandoned his line of enquiry, and brought the ship into a landing at the foot of an outcropping of black-and-white rocks, where a dark cave entrance could be seen.

It was far too small to take the ship into, and since she didn't know what 'tanned' was, he carefully explained that the cave really was that small, and not just very far away, and not to get any funny ideas; he'd only just got the ship back.

He went on to break down that it was very cold out there, and that she would have to dress up warm before going out.

"Ah, don't worry about me; it got pretty cold at night on Jakku-"

Chewie unsnapped his seat restraints so that he could turn to her and really get across that she had no idea.

* * * *

Suitably suited and booted, she stood before the Wookiee as he carefully checked her over, lifting the fur-lined hood of Han's blue parka jacket over her head, making sure the zip on the front was sealed all the way up to her throat.

He wrapped her in a tight hug, gave her bottom an encouraging pat through the thick material, released her and thumbed the button to have the boarding ramp lower, and the associated hatch sweep up into the ceiling, freezing wind chasing him back to the cockpit, growling a warning that she was not to track snow through his ship when she came back, and to tell Luke as well.

Rey stomped down the ramp, momentarily holding onto the nearest pylon to avoid being blown sideways into one of the legs.

Bending forward to strain against the frosty gale, she determinedly headed into the cave, where she was relieved that the storm's force was lessened as she went deeper into what opened into an ice cavern, the floor white with packed snow, and the walls smooth.

"RAHR!!!"

Shocked, she spun towards the cacophany, her blue-white lightsabre blade snap-hissing into life, and fanning up between her and the threat that had loomed out of the shadows to her left, a thick mass of white and brown hair, two large soul-less black eyes, and curved horns that stuck out the sides of its great head and curved around its' cheeks to almost meet the mouth.

She stared up at the thing as it skidded to a halt, almost as if it recognised the lightsabre. Then it fled beyond the available light to where she could no longer see it, but she could sense its' retreat.

The danger over, she noted a line of dampness running down the inside of her left leg; she'd have to check later if that was a psychological false flag, or if that was her.

For now though, as her eyes adjusted to what light came in through a gap in the rocky ceiling, she spied something on the icy wall, a ragged, but recognisable capital 'L' in yellow ice, maybe from about her knee height, up to the level of her waist.

Stepping closer, but mindful of the cave's owner, she could discern other letters, spelling out, UKE WAS HERE.

LUKE WAS HERE.

Mystified, Rey stepped up to the wall, turning the lightsabre off and lifting the hem of the heavy jacket up to re-hang the weapon onto her belt.
She used her left hand to pull the glove off her right, instantly feeling the chill bite at the exposed flesh.

She pressed a finger to the chrysopaz-coloured ice of the 'L', her mind's eye instantly flashing to a scene from another time.

A man in black, as heavily wrapped as she was, using the Force to press that seven foot creature against the far wall, twerking his backside towards it, while he stood here, urinating the letter onto the wall.

When he had finished, he zipped himself up, and backed carefully out of the cave, not releasing the creature till he was free and clear.

Rey blinked, the vision ended.

This is wee! She snatched her hand back, frantically wiping it down her side, then gratefully pulled the mitten back on.

Feeling better, she counted the letters. LUKE WAS HERE. Eleven letters.

He must have returned ten more times, just to complete the sentence.

He clearly did not want to be traced, that much was clear, but was there some significance as to why he had chosen this cave, on this planet, to leave his, well, mark?

THE END
​

Notes:

Online English to Wookiee translator - http://www.wookietranslator.com/

 

How'd he get in? Intruder Portal​

OTP Challenge #15:
things you said in the dark​

Rey
Kylo

"AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Get out of here before I call Security!"

"****, it's in my eyes!"

"Kylo?!"

"...yeah."

"How did you get on-base?"

"Portal."

"What-tal?"

"Portal. We are connected across the stars, remember. I'm still on my star destroyer, but I wanted to come see you. Instead, I think you blinded me; I can't see my hands in front of my face. And I can hear, like a muffled buzzing sound."

"Oh, stang!"

"Wait, the buzzing stopped. Was that you?"

"I-I don't know what you are talking about, Kylo. And you are not blind. You're in my bedchamber, and I haven't turned on the light yet."

"Don't try to change the subject, Rey; I am a lord of the Sith, and can sense your lies."

"But can you sense what I am lying about?"

"Well, no."

"Didn't think so. You couldn't flip me during the map interrogation, so I know this is safe."

"Aw, this stuff is burning my face. What is it?"

"ANGRY MACE bear spray."

"I thought they did foodstuffs."

"Well, you can try and eat it."

"No thanks. ****, my eyes."

"Wouldn't hurt if you had worn the mask. Why'd you stop wearing that, anyway?"

"Uncle Snoke said it looked stupid. That may not be an exact quote, but then I'm not employed as a continuity editor."

"Well, you are a bit of a-"

"Hey, language!"

"Well, it's what Chewie calls you."

"Look Rey, I did not come here to be insulted."

"Why did you come here? And can't you knock or call ahead before you step through your intra-dimensional rift? I could have been doing anything, sitting on the fresher, in a meeting with Finn and Poe, anything."

"Look, never mind that. You got a sink in here, where I can wash my face?"

"This is a Rebel base, Kylo. Not a bed and breakfast. No I don't have a sink in here. And don't think you are going exploring looking for the communal washroom. Don't you have wash basins aboard your star destroyer? Shh, you are just dreaming, go back to sleep."

"Who are you talking to?"

"You're the Sith Lord, you tell me? Although here's a clue: when he wakes up to find an unexpected visitor in his darkened bedroom, he doesn't try to murder everyone he knows and burn down the base! No, he has the presence of mind to tap my name into my thigh in Calamari Blink Code with increasing urgency."

"Rey.... Finn! You are sleeping with my traitor?!"

"Again, not a bed and breakfast. We're not made of beds."

"You are telling the truth, however I cannot sense him next to you."

"Probably because our pet baby Ysalamiri, Geraldine, is sitting on his chest. I thought it was for warmth, but maybe this is ysalamiri for, 'watch out, a moody patricide with boundary issues, is about to step through a portal'."

"Geral-"

"Look, once more for the cheap seats. Get. Out. Of. My....Our. Bedroom. You. Monster."


THE END

NOTE: ANGRY MACE brand created by @Ewok Poet

 

Yea for the Angry Mace and all its inventive uses and Rey and her snark.

 

That's defenetly not a kind of story I was expecting. But a very fun one nonetheless!

Also yay for Rey/Finn together!

 

This is really funny!

This is the part I started laughing pretty hard.
Great job!

 

Thank you to all that read and left feedback:

As many may know, 'mace' is an RL aerosol-based self-defense tool, so I was certain that anything called ANGRY MACE was going to have the equivalent, and remain amazed that that was never created before. It's existence was central to the story, and I was over a 150 words deep into the fic before I visited the Fanon Thread to confirm what it was called.

Kylo's assertion that they only did foodstuff, mirrored my discovery.

I felt sure that if Rey had any sense, after the first portal visits in The Last Jedi, she would set up some kind of deterrent to knock any future occurrences on the head.

She really could be doing anything, and on a personal level, it feels unfair for when you are being hunted down by the side that can portal over to you.

Thank you! I like to write Finn and Rey together, and was finding it quite hard inserting their pairing into the main narrative.

"Shh, you are just dreaming, go back to sleep," is probably my favourite line in the whole piece.

I did consider that one of the planets that the Starkiller' shot took out, was World of Beds, largest bed and bunks emporium in the galaxy. With a few more words, that would have backed up Rey's assertion that they were sharing beds due to not having enough of them.

"We're not made of beds," indeed.

I needed for Kylo not to detect Finn's presence in the bed, and wanted to name her 'Jennifer', after the cat in this comedy clip on YouTube, "Zoltan Kaszas on why cats are better than dogs", but decided not to copy her name. The cat is called Jessica, so I could have gone with my original choice after all.

Thank you again.

 

Personally I think ANGRY MACE Bear spray is an appropriate reaction to some patricidal maniac turning up in your bedroom unannounced! Loved the snark and then 'you've hurt my feelings whine' of Kylo. Great work.

 

Many thanks or reading, an leaving feedback.

Glad that you enjoyed it.

 

*dropping in from the fanfic favourites thread*

AHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA. He thought that she could tweak sound and picture separately, while Force dyads are certainly HDMI.

Ah yes, time he was a guest on a cooking show again. He can go all Chief Wiggum and season food with the GFFA equivalent of pepper spray.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And the ending was crazy. NOOOOOOOOOOO, SHE IS WITH HIM, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I am going to add it to the product list at some point. It's only fitting that our late friend contributed something to it and, as it would turn out, do so in his last story on the board. If there has been anything else, I definitely want to know about it.