Beyond - Legends Lover, Hunter, Friend, and Enemy (Allana/OC, Chaos Twins, various AUs, vignette/ficlet collection)

They should be together after this. A lovely set of drabbles flowing together into one story

 

"If he was actually trying to read," lol The fact of it being a dining hall is no excuse to be rambunctious enough to make reading difficult [face_prim]

Dorian. Dorian does that

Such great writing

Well, I'm sure that's part of it, anyway

WELP

You really do love the angsty UST, babe

This boy is such a mess

I know it's an Allana story, but my favorite part is Leia and Mara still wearily trying to deal with all of this together after everything they've lost

I can't even blame him for that snark, I'd say the same

Pen pals!

I feel like this kind of sums up your romance writing tendencies

Such a bastard, this one (I had to pause to try to remember if "bastard" was allowed on the boards, then I was all, "Oh yeah, my mod challenge dialogue prompt is 'smarmy bastard', so I guess it is )

You just couldn't resist making this scene even more - everything, could you? All of it *gestures vaguely* (Oh hey, one of my selected quotes also says "bastard" I've had a long day, I'm tired )

lolll

Sure he doesn't

I like Allana and all, but she kind of deserved that one

She really should

These dorks

Eeyup

So smug

*flirt flirt flirt*

Hard to argue that one

 

@earlybird-obi-wan

Thank you so much! It's definitely complicated with the two of them, and there aren't any easy answers.




@Mira_Jade

I'm trying to exercise some control in the use of that gif, but it's just so effective in conveying my reaction at times.

I'm glad you think I do well with that balance! That really is one of the feelings I hope to evoke with these characters and stories, that sense that as soon as you think you know what to expect, the ground shifts a little beneath your feet - not quite knocking you over, but leaving you unsteady. I'm not exactly sure why I like to write/read stories like that? But it's fun, and I'm glad other people enjoy it, too.

He cracks me up.

Omigosh and they're so young here, too, especially Allana. These poor awkward babies and their awkward, complicated feelings and their trauma, uuuugh.

Aw shucks. I really do enjoy figuring out the precise wording and rhythm of his thoughts to convey that spiral.

"Look, I'm certainly not offering you the only bed in this ship as any sort of apology for my behavior (aka that time I nearly murdered you), and I definitely do not like you like you, that's not why I kissed you before, really you're reading way too much into this, and I'm absolutely not going to be thinking about you the entire night while I lie all by myself in the cockpit looking out at the stars..."

This part may have been somewhat inspired by a scene in that webcomic I recommended to you, Purple Hyacinth. I won't say more in case you haven't read it yet, but as soon as I read this one scene in particular, I was hit hard with my Allana/Festus feels, and I knew I needed to write something about the Vjun fight from his perspective. We've seen Allana reflect on it a little, and we know that by the time we get to IDWD, Festus sees that moment in his nightmares... but how would a much younger Festus react to and feel about it? Especially once he starts to realize he's attracted to her, that has to mess with his head, right? How can he look at her and appreciate the things he finds beautiful about her without also being reminded of what he did to her? How could he ever imagine any sort of intimate scenario in the future when the last time he was that close, it was terrifying and violent and traumatic for her? Like you said, it's so messy and fascinating, and honestly, how could I dream of glossing over that when there's so much to explore there?

And maybe there's also an element of "this girl I like will only ever see me one way, and she's right to see me that way, so why deny it?"

Very worrisome.

Aw yeah. One of my tags for OWITS on AO3 - I guess it's more like three tags - is "I combined the snark of H/L with the ridiculous ten-year slow burn and enemies to lovers vibe of L/M and threw in a dash of lady/knight dynamics and borderline unhealthy fixation a la A/P omg no wonder I ship this ship so hard"

It is, I love it.

THIS. This has always been very important to me in writing these stories, from the moment I started writing the sequel up until now. If I thought Festus was the type of person to ignore being told no and deliberately push past those boundaries, I wouldn't be writing this pairing. That's just not the sort of character I want to write about, and it's not how I ever pictured him, even when I wrote the Vjun fight forever ago. That's not to say that Festus isn't dangerous or twisted or unstable or, you know, a murderer, because he definitely is those things. And then, in the context of this scene, it's obviously not a terrible crime if Festus didn't immediately let go of her - you could probably even justify it because of the immediate threat of being discovered - but in the context of their relationship with one another, it was incredibly important that Festus obeyed, because Allana has every reason to distrust and fear him, and absolutely no reason to believe he will respect/listen to/protect her, and if that's ever going to change, he needs to prove to her that he can and will do better.

It feels sort of weird to say thank you when it comes to this imagery, but thank you! I wanted to capture the unsettling contrast between the violence of that memory and his growing attraction to her.

Right?? I'm running out of ways to say "I loved writing this scene and using these little details to shed light on their characters and their relationship to one another" but... yeah, all of that.

Welp, just gonna stick that one in my back pocket for later...

Because they're so adorable, Mira. (I mean, when he's not being creepy and/or murdery )

Lol, he's trying.

Again, all of this. You get it.

(Safe-ish )

I won't lie, I find this whole image hilarious, maybe even more so because they're teenagers and she was being so smug earlier, and now he's so smug, and idk, I just love them like this, Mira.

She's so young here, my poor baby!

I do love writing arguments.

I'm so glad you picked that detail out! And your reason for picking it out, too!

Welp, I guess I'm going to have to post this AU's version of Vjun at some point, aren't I? (Even though you've already read it ) I mean, that really is the question, isn't it? And even though this is an AU, I like being able to use these scenarios to shed light on events in the main 'verse. What was Festus thinking during that fight, and what would have happened if Anakin wasn't there to stop him?

He we are, indeed.

Vivisection! ( )

Putting the hurt in hurt/comfort.

A very good question, I wonder what it means...

Look, she maybe kinda likes him for reasons that she doesn't at all understand, but she's not stupid.

Probably around the time you started to have ~ f e e l i n g s ~ for her, Festus.

How perfectly does that song fit, seriously.

(I am perfectly happy to receive this sort of feedback, and also, you might have noticed that half of this reply consists of emojis, I understand completely. )

Yay, I'm so glad, because this was one of my favorite parts! He's just so confused and in denial and in love with her and it's all such a mess, I love it, Mira.

I love writing his normal teenage boy moments.

I almost didn't have her say his name - *mutter mutter* things I meant to save for the sequel *mutter* - but in the end, I knew it wouldn't have happened any other way. She might be ready to see him that way, but he's not ready - or willing - to let that part of himself go.

I might have had both that vig and parts of Thunderbolt and Lightning on my mind when writing this part.

Right???

Omigosh, I realized today that it's been nearly six months since you wrote this review, where did the time go?? The KR was kind of a blur, I can't believe I wrote this in the middle of that, either. It really was fun to get back to the roots of this pairing, you're right.

(I'm still slowly chipping away at the ballroom story, I promise! )

Starset has become my go-to for Allana/Festus and especially all things Chaos Twins, it's true.

This felt like the natural progression of things after the end of the previous vig, and I love it and them.

I can't even remember how exactly this idea came to me, but it was so fun to write. Like, welcome to Ferrus's world, Allana, this idiot is your problem now.

lolol, just a little bit

That's what I like to hear.

I can't remember now if I did this intentionally - I want to say I did, but I might be giving myself too much credit, sometimes things just work out perfectly - but I love that you recognized those connections to the earlier story and to A/P.

Definitely flirting. It's nice to not have the threat of imminent death hanging over them at a moment like this, isn't it?

Yes! All of this! (I know, I'm losing my ability to reply effectively, but you've expressed the same thoughts I had writing this. )

lol, I thought you'd like how I used those prompts.

A very good and valid point, with which I am in complete agreement.

Part of this struggle ties back to how I see the two of them - individually and together - but it also has to do with how young they are. I haven't come up with an exact timeline for this AU, but Allana is at most 17 here, probably a young 17, and she's been through a lot, and as much as she cares for and wants to be with Festus, she loves and misses her family and friends and the home she had with them. AND OH YEAH, LET'S TALK ABOUT JACEN AND BEN AND FERRUS. (or not, because I haven't quite decided what's happening with them. I've had a few ideas about what might be going on with them, but I haven't committed to any of them.) So we'll see what happens!

I am not at all surprised. (And aww )

Thank you as always for leaving such amazing feedback! I've read over it many times in the last six months; it means more to me than I can express that you love these characters and stories so much.




@Gabri_Jade

lolol, I suspect if Dorian was truly more interested in his reading material than the pretty girl he keeps staring at, he'd have no problem tuning everyone else out to continue with said reading.

Dork.

I agonized over these lines so much, lol, I'm glad they're good. *relief*

Yep

(vivisection!)

I doooooo.

He is, my poor glowstick.

I do enjoy writing these little glimpses of what the older generations would have been doing during this time and fleshing that out a bit more, and I definitely see Leia and Mara leaning on each other as sisters do in the wake of all their tragedy.

I kinda can't blame him either, that place sounds awful. Whose idea was it to... oh right, it was mine.

I love it so much, Gabri.

Heh, it probably does.

lololll

(and yeah, he is. )

I agree.

Vivisection aside, I sometimes think I'm meaner to Veeran than I am to Dorian.

I was actually a little worried about revisiting this scene, because the way it played out the first time was perfect; but I figured as a window into Festus's thoughts, at least, it was worth trying. And that was fun, because obviously from Allana's end, he's very controlled and hardly seems affected, so I enjoyed reversing it and showing the depth and intensity of emotion that was beneath the surface.

He's so matter-of-fact, I love it.

Nope, not at all

To be fair, Festus did try to violently murder her not too long before this, so I feel like he still kind of deserves any sass or snootiness on her part.

Most definitely.

They are, I love them

They're a matched pair in that.

I love this scene so much. I mean, when you think about why Festus has such a flippant attitude toward being stabbed, it's horrifying; but without fully considering all of that tragic backstory, it's kind of like he's in a Monty Python sketch, and it cracks me up.

*imagine the "tis but a scratch" gif here, because I'm not sure if I should post gifs with profuse - if comical - fake bleeding*

(And they're not even trying to kill each other this time!)

And after many months of neglect, I finally have a new AU vig for you! Except it's kinda depressing, oops...

 

Title: Break the Silence
Timeframe: 51 ABY
Genre: angst, introspection

Summary: The Starskip brothers reunite on Vjun after seven years spent apart.

Notes: Written for the Angstmongers Anonymous Gothic Literature Quote Roulette. My quote was:

“You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
—Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray​

This vignette takes place in one of the many AUs of my Enter!verse – in this reality, the Jedi managed to rescue one of the Starskip twins on Yalena, while the other one was left with the Sith. The title for this one comes from Unsecret’s “The Reckoning” (feat. Matthew Perryman Jones), which felt like the right mood for this fic.

Thanks to @Gabri_Jade for her beta work and encouragement as I angsted (yep ) endlessly over whether this vig was good enough for our first official angst challenge.

---

Break the Silence


At first, he doesn’t seem real.

The doors at the opposite end of the once-grand room are thrown wide open, and the black-clad figure between them stands completely still, eyes glittering like molten gold from within a pale, angular face. He could almost be mistaken for an apparition, the last ghostly remnant of the noble family that lived here and went insane here and ultimately died here. That seems fitting, actually. You’ve been haunted by your brother’s specter for the last seven years, ever since you were dragged kicking and screaming from the fortress on Yalena. Why not come full circle and be haunted by the Sith Lord he has become?

That’s the thing, though: he’s alive, and he has been all this time, and no matter what anyone else says, what happened to him is your fault. Any talk of choice is just empty words; you’ve seen the hell that awaited him in ways the others could never understand. You left him there, you left him in the dragon’s lair, completely alone, without even your twin bond to offer support or strength or solace. You left him at the mercy of monsters, of one monster in particular, and as long as you live, you’ll never forget the first time you woke up screaming not from your own nightmares, but from his.

Your twin – your other half, the brother you have loved with all your heart – starts to chuckle, and you notice he’s holding a lightsaber hilt in one hand, absently twitching it back and forth at his side. “Well,” he says, suppressing his laughter just enough to get the words out. “This is a surprise.”

You haven’t heard his voice out loud since before that terrible day, and even though you’re used to your own voice, it’s startling to hear how much his has changed. It triggers an old memory, one you’d thought well and truly buried: your father looking down at you from the kitchen table, where he’d been scanning through a series of holos.

Can I see? your brother asked, and then your father lifted both of you into his lap, arms wrapped tight around you.

This is you in the hospital, your father replied quietly, lingering on each one. And this is when we brought you home… and your first smiles… first steps… Stars, she was always smiling…

You aren’t identical, but you each have your mother’s eyes and your mother’s hair… and your mother’s smile, too. You’re pretty sure that’s the one that used to hurt your father the most.

The face that stares back at you now… it’s hers, even though you don’t remember her, even though you only know her from some holos and the few stories your father told. But the voice is your father’s, if your father had ever spoken a loud or harsh word. You’re not sure he ever did.

“Have you come to rescue me?” Those words shake you from your reverie, drawing you back to the present. The dark grin on his face is an aberrant mockery of the smile your father loved, and a part of you wants to make him stop it, stop looking at you like that; but every other part knows you deserve his ridicule, his wrath, his anything. “You’re a little late for that,” he continues, the slow weaving motion of his sword hand becoming more deliberate and pronounced with every word.

For a moment, you can’t speak, and you wonder what he would do if you simply said nothing. Would he keep talking, hurl insults at you, threaten violence? What happens when there aren’t any more words, and all that’s left is the two of you, broken halves of something that was never truly whole?

(would he kill you, you wonder)

At last, your tongue loosens. “I’m here for the kids,” you tell him, even if that’s not entirely true. Sure, you’d have volunteered regardless, but the only reason they took you on this rescue mission is because of the person standing in front of you, because you refused to let them tell you no after you realized he was here.

A bitter, broken sort of laugh, one that grates against your senses. “Of course you are. History likes to repeat itself, doesn’t it, brother?” Your twin aims the lightsaber at you – still unignited – and the twisted smile falls away. “What gives you the right to come here, to stand there like that, huh? What makes you think I’d want anything to do with you?”

And even though you know this is your fault, there’s still that nagging urge to set him straight, to explain yourself, to make him understand that this is the last thing you wanted for him, that you’d do anything to change it, that you would have walked through every hell to spare him from what he has endured. You want to tell him that you hated yourself every day, that sometimes you hoped he was dead because wouldn’t that have been better, and you want to ask him how many times he had to climb up on that table, if it was just that one time, or a few times, or every single fragging day dear gods how did he survive it?

His fire-cast eyes narrow to slits. “Well aren’t you going to say something? Seven years, and this is all I get?”

You feel something then – a ghostly fingertip tentatively tapping the base of your skull, searching for entry. Even though it’s been years, you can still remember what it felt like to sense your brother tugging at the threads of your bond, desperately wanting in, yearning for that connection; and you remember the last time you shut him out, after you were rescued, when they all realized that connection was a danger, a nav chart in the Force that could lead the doctor and the Sith right to you, right to the last remnants of the Jedi Order.

(right to the one other person you care for most in all the worlds)

You block that probing tendril on instinct, and you watch your twin’s expression not-so-subtly shift, as if the last tumbler on the last lock has finally fallen into place. Deep down, you already know it’s too late, but you take a step toward him anyway.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I’m so sorry, Veeran.”

His eyes are flame, but the set of his jaw, the way he tilts his chin up to look down at you… you’ve seen it all before, and it’s cold and detached, it’s everything he tries to be when he doesn’t know what to feel.

“It’s Lord Ferrus to you,” he says, a dangerous murmur.

Of course, you already knew that, too. You’ve heard about Darth Ferrus, about what he’s done, his ferocity in battle, his brutal strength, and most of all, his manic obsession with killing Jedi. No matter what happens, you have to keep him here, keep him occupied; you can’t risk setting him loose on the others.

(you can’t risk him getting to her)

Mental walls firmly in place, you square your shoulders, drawing yourself up to full height. “You already know I’m not going to call you that.”

He lets out a heavy breath; it ends on a strangled note. “You think you’re better than me, is that it? You think you would have turned out any different if you were the one left behind? Like you wouldn’t have been a sick, murdering bastard, too?”

His accusation settles on you like an itchy second skin. You refuse to allow yourself to imagine that life, the skewed reality where you might have— no, that isn’t who you are. But it isn’t who he should be either. “I didn’t say that,” you counter quietly.

“No, but you’re thinking it, aren’t you? Your poor, stupid brother, too weak and afraid to help anyone but himself, always relying on you to fix his messes—”

“That’s not what I’m thinking—”

“Yeah?” he shouts, and the sheer rage behind it reverberates in your bones. “Well guess what, Dorian. You’re no saint, and you’re definitely no hero either. You think you did me a favor, taking my place? You wanna know what happened once you were gone? He missed you. He wanted you back, and I wasn’t good enough to replace you – but I sure as hell was good enough to punish you with. Even when he knew he couldn’t reach you, that didn’t stop him trying.”

You remember the nightmares, how at first you thought they were memories before realizing that your unguarded, unconscious mind was still connected to your twin’s, and it was his torture you were experiencing. You remember with profoundly aching guilt how Allana’s grandmother trained you to shield your presence at all times, strengthening the walls you’d already created around your mind in captivity, and that each step toward mastery simultaneously damned your brother to the deepest depths of the darkest hells.

“How long?” you ask, tongue thick in your mouth. It’s a stupid question, really, because you already know the only part of the answer that matters.

He spreads his arms wide at his side. “Longer than you. He says no one’s ever beaten my record.” He shrugs and bobs his head from side to side, shifting so abruptly into casual indifference it’s unnerving. “Maybe I was good enough after all.”

You take another step toward him. “Veeran—”

“Don’t,” he growls, slashing the unlit saber through the air in front of him as his unaffected façade slips again. “Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Don’t tell me it should have been you, and don’t you dare tell me this isn’t who I am. You have no idea who I am.” He rubs a hand across his face, muffling another dissonant, guttural laugh. “You know, I reached out to you every kriffing day for over a year, even after I knew you weren’t going to answer. Why the hell did I do that?”

As you watch him attempt to strangle his laughter, you get the distinct impression of someone frantically and unsuccessfully trying to plug holes in a dam, and your heart aches anew. Gods, you have to get him out of here.

“So what now, Dorian?” He sweeps one arm in a broad arc, encompassing the whole of the ruined ballroom. “Is this the part where we fight? I have to warn you, I’ve been practicing.”

The lightsaber at your hip feels suddenly heavy. “I’m not here to fight you, Veeran. I’m here to bring you home.”

“Your home; not mine,” he says simply, shaking his head as he attempts to wrap himself in that cool indifference from earlier. “I can’t ever go back.”

You advance one more step – just a few more and you’ll be in arm’s reach – and extend a hand to him. “Yes, you can.”

He smiles then, a strange, ambivalent smile. “You don’t know what I’ve done,” he says, quieter than before. “They’ll never take me back.”

You’re about to tell him that’s not true, that all he has to do is reach out and take the hand you’re offering him and you can both get the hell away from here, when you notice a nearly imperceptible shudder run through his body. Veeran’s breath hitches for an instant, and you hear a faint, desperate voice whisper across the tattered remains of your bond, a voice that begs you to run – and for the first time you can see that the disgust and loathing and bitterness on his face isn’t directed at you at all, but at himself.

The shadows shift behind him, and a slight, pale figure emerges from them, hands in the pockets of his long gray lab coat.

“There you are, my boy,” the doctor says, his eyes fixed on you as he reaches up to place a hand on Veeran’s shoulder. “I was beginning to think you might never return to us.”

Your next breath seizes in your lungs as you swallow your tongue.

Seven years. It’s never left you, not in all that time. No matter how much you hoped you might forget, or the barriers Allana’s grandmother put in place to keep you from reliving it over and over in your sleep, he has never left you. You will always know the sharp pitch of his voice and the cold dark of his eyes and his mirthless smile and the deftness of his hands as he opened you and how regardless of the mess – spattered or drenched, it didn’t make a difference – those hands were always, always clean afterward. You will see his face in every nightmare and feel his sterile presence hovering over your soul, waiting, beckoning, how much longer can you keep me out—

The hand on Veeran’s shoulder moves up the side of his neck in a gesture you would normally associate with reassurance or affection, and your twin’s head just barely turns toward the doctor, eyes closing for half a second. The old man’s mouth curves up in the barest of smiles as he leans in close to say, “Bring him to me, would you?”

Veeran’s face twists in a grimace as his eyes meet yours—

Run, run, run, run

—and then he sets his jaw and breathes in deep, and just before igniting his blood-red lightsaber, he says in a low, reverent murmur:

“Yes, sir. As you wish.”


~~


Your brother is right about you. You’re no saint, and you’re no hero. You’re nothing, really. But that’s why you can’t run. That’s why you have to stay, because the galaxy needs the others to make it home, so they can keep on saving people. The only person who truly needs you is right here. You took his place once before, and you’ll do it again.

(you hope she’ll understand, that she’ll know how sorry you are)

(you hope she’ll forgive you)

The deepest, darkest hell awaits, and you enter it freely.


Fin

~~

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

A touching story how Dorian could have been. And the end WOW

 

lol, yup

Just look at this gothic scene setting

HOW VERY DARE YOU

Vi, I really feel like you need to add yet another AU to the Enter!verse and let these nice parents of theirs live out their lives at some point *eyes you sternly*

Heh, you got me, I was thinking it was the other way around Also, "last tumbler on the last lock has finally fallen into place" is a great turn of phrase. Also also, I initially thought you'd misspelled "tumbler" because "Tumblr," sigh, what has modern interneting done to my brain

Poor Veeran

*shakes fist @ you*

I'm also ignoring the more specific vivisection references because you know I hate vivisection

There's a bot account on Twitter called Endless Screaming and if you tag it it shows up to reply to your tweet with "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and that's what I immediately thought of here

*insert "welp, I'm gonna go cry now" gif here*

*mutters to self* "wondered if it was angsty enough"

 

Dammit, Vi, I got there and then I had to go back to the beginning to reread it again from a different lens, so whatever the initial angst quotient was is now multiplied by 1.5. I love second person POV fics, and I love surprises that play upon the reader's assumptions, and it's just terribly pleasing to see you utilize the former to accomplish the latter.

Okay, back to the beginning.

Sigh, in retrospect, I really should have suspected something from the ambiguity of the summary.

Why not indeed? This almost feels like dark gallows humor, and I could see easily from this version of Dorian.

Aaah, these poor children. :_( But the thought that he shares his brother's nightmares - haunting. And I like (like?) how the specter of the good doctor just haunts this piece, even before he makes his appearance.

Eee, look at this inversion of the twin rescue in ANH. The unwilling to be rescued twin asking this of the rescuer. <3

And here I kinda see an Obi-Wan and Anakin moment, with the two halves of a single warrior being set against each other. Because there's that brotherly relationship again, twisted and corrupted as one is forced to fight the other.

Aaaah. Does it make it better or worse for the reader to know that Dorian would have survived it in his place if he hadn't been rescued?

I just really like the descriptions here.

Again, just a really great description. "the last tumbler on the last lock," and yes, Gabri, my finger absolutely typed Tumblr

Oh, Dorian still knows his brother so well. :-( And I love that familiarity and intimacy here, how he recognizes and is able to put into words this expression of his brother's, even though it's been so long since he's seen it.

OH, Allana! We only get a glimpse of Allana here, so of course we have to wonder what her relationship with Dorian was like in this universe, if it was allowed to blossom at all before being stomped. Oh, Vi.

I really enjoy your descriptions and especially this simile, "like an itchy second skin," yes. And you refuse to allow yourself to imagine that life - ah, Dorian, we've already imagined it for you, poor boy.

Just really like that description again, "unsuccessfully trying to plug holes in a dam."

Oh no, he's not gonna run, of course he's not gonna run, but Veeran's trying so hard this poor child

 

Your writing is excellent as usual, but....

How. Dare. How. Very. Dare.

 

Just doing some long overdue replies, no new fic today - but if you're interested in more AUs featuring Allana and the Chaos Twins, I have a companion thread, Fire in Our Bones, with some ficlets written for the Angstober challenge, so be sure to check those out.

All right, replies!


@earlybird-obi-wan

Thank you so much! I enjoyed exploring this AU, and I’m glad the end had such an impact.




@Gabri_Jade

*passes tissue a year late*

That particular location on Vjun has really paid dividends, hasn’t it?

I’M SORRY

(mostly)

(okay, not really )

I’ll consider it

these poor boys

Aw yeah

I was pleased with how the tumbler line turned out, and yes, I also had to stop and think for a second when I was writing it, because Tumblr.

I’m so mean to him, Gabri.

I messed him up good in this ‘verse.

Fair enough!

Perfect reaction is perfect

I shouldn’t take so much enjoyment from this reaction, but you know… *sips from a mug of readers’ tears*

Hey, sometimes I have a hard time gauging these things! Especially since I’m specifically trying to avoid being gruesome, it can be hard to know whether my subtle attempts at horror and angst are effective. But I’m so glad they were, and as always I loved reading your feedback, both when you left it and in the year since.




@vader_incarnate

There’s nothing I don’t love about this, Elli.

I did worry that I was being too obvious with the summary.

Agreed, Dorian is probably always going to have a dark edge to his humor, no matter the AU.

Once I started thinking about how the Force bond and Dorian’s mental shielding worked, and the fact that Veeran doesn’t possess nearly the same degree of skill with his own mental defenses, I started to realize it was absolutely something the doctor would attempt to weaponize. And I love that you referred to the doctor as a specter; that's sort of how I view him in general throughout all the Chaos Twins stories, even the ones he physically appears in.

I do love me some dramatic inversions.

I can never not think of those Obi-Wan and Anakin vibes when writing sibling confrontations, Elli.

I don’t knooooow (but I’m probably gonna go with worse )

Aw, thank you!

I was happy with that one, and I also had to stop and think about how to spell it, darn you Tumblr

I have a lot of thoughts about sibling relationships and the things we carry into adulthood from childhood without realizing it and how our siblings are some of the only people in a position to recognize those things, and just… sibling and twin bonds were two of the biggest fanfic draws for me back in the day, clearly nothing has actually changed. No matter the time spent apart and the strain on their relationship even before they were separated, these two still know each other better than anyone, and I loved writing the dissonance of seeing those familiar traits in someone who has been twisted seemingly beyond recognition.

I’m sure I’ll explore it more at some point (probably ), but I would say at this point Allana and Dorian have a deep friendship that shows definite signs of developing into something more, but the romance itself is still in its nascent stage. So yeah, this ending is definitely a crushing blow to what they could have had.

I’m really glad the descriptions all work! Sometimes I feel like my metaphors/similes aren’t very diverse, like I’m always pulling from the same imagery/feelings, so it’s good to know they aren’t getting tired yet.

(Ferrus is definitely not well here. )

YEP

These two break my heart, they really do.

I’m torn between and , but either way, I’m so glad you liked the story!




@Cowgirl Jedi 1701

(And thank you! )

 

Break the Silence

The deepest, darkest hell awaited--and I entered it freely.

It's been a while since I first read this--I note that I "liked" it around a year ago--but as I remember it, I could tell, almost straight away, which twin was which. When I reread this before setting forth to write this comment, there were a few moments where the lost brother, the missing half, could have been Darth Festus. That gesture of twitching the lightsaber hilt (most memorably awful in That One Scene with Allana in Enter the Foreign) in particular, but also a few lines of his dialogue. But while he may have sounded like an echo of Festus, I still knew who he was.

Of course, in this universe, Dorian never became Festus. He was rescued (though given the circumstances, I'm not too certain "rescued" oughtn't to be in quotes) before he was too far gone. Veeran became who he is in the main universe. More or less, that is. Since without his twin--the one person he could ever stand to work with--at his side, he must be working as a lone wolf agent of sorts, which means he has to be different in some aspects. Possibly worse.

But what might be worst of all, and certainly disconcerting, is seeing what Mira_Jade aptly called the "twisted affection" between Ferrus and the Doctor, in much the same relationship Festus had with him in the other reality. It makes sense that in this twisted world, Ferrus has taken what affection he can get. But still: the moment when he almost brags that no one has beaten his record as the Doctor's lab subject. Well.

Speaking of the Doctor, he has considerable influence over both Dorian and Ferrus. I believe (correct me if I'm wrong) that in the main storyline, at the end of Enter the Foreign, he is still at large. But I can't help but feel that even if he still gets his comeuppance--in the main story or this AU or another AU--it won't provide any closure. The damage he did to Festus (or both twins) will live on after him, and worse still--he would know that.

Yes, Dorian was recused. He survived--albeit scarred by the nightmares left of his time with the Doctor, and the guilt of knowing exactly what his brother is going through. Then after years of living with the guilt of his luck and survival, he returns, to take his twin's place upon the table, returning to that old destroying story as though he had never left it. Because as always, he sees himself as nothing. As expendable. While Darth Festus railed against this state, Dorian accepts it:

You’re nothing, really. But that’s why you can’t run. That’s why you have to stay, because the galaxy needs the others to make it home, so they can keep on saving people. The only person who truly needs you is right here. You took his place once before, and you’ll do it again.

(Except this time, in this AU, I know this can't be really true.)

It ends on the darkest note, in the darkest of hells, where we all know what is going to happen next. Oh yes: it can always get worse, and I suspect the worst may be yet to come.

 

@Mira_Jade

lolll, considering how far behind I am on... everything, I'd have no room to complain even if I wanted to. But you know I'm happy just knowing you enjoyed the story, and any comments are a lovely bonus.

Okay, I see how silly this worry was in retrospect.

I was so happy with how all those elements converged in this story.

LOL BECAUSE HE’S HELLA SCREWED UP, MIRA

*passes tissues*

When Ferrus starts acting like Festus, you know things are bad.

They haven't seen each other since they were 11 years old, Mira, these babies

lololll I don't think I was expecting to write this particular angst, it just happened!

Not to add to the pain, but imagine how long Veeran probably dreamed of his brother coming back for him.

Yay, that's one of my favorite lines, I'm so glad you liked it, too!

Just pouring salt in all of Ferrus's wounds, even if unintentionally.

I legitimately worry sometimes that I’ve referenced the vivisection so many times that it will lose its impact, especially since I’m not describing it in detail, so this is very good to hear! *relief*

Why thank you

I’ve actually tried writing Veeran’s POV of that moment of severing, and it was… painful, to say the least. I only got a few paragraphs in.

Same. To quote a non-SW show (that you definitely need to watch one of these days), “We are the names we carry," and that's something I never tire of exploring.

My boy is very bad at feelings

You know, sometimes it's tricky trying to capture those fleeting little actions/reactions that are more easily expressed in a medium like film, so I'm glad this one worked! Ferrus is barely holding onto his sanity at this point.

A distorted mirror is incredibly apt; that's exactly the idea I took from the quote, and wanted to explore in this vig. In a way, all of the various AUs are distorted mirrors of one another, and at some point it's like… what is real? Who are these characters, really?

Thank you!

It always comes back to the same old traumas, doesn’t it?

It feels sort of mean to react this way, but:

( )

When you put it that way, I guess this whole scenario is pretty angsty. There’s no good answer here, but that doesn’t make it any easier for Dorian to bear.

This reminds me that I need to actually write out some more of this AU, including a scene where Leia trains Dorian to better shield himself. (It also reminds me of an unposted scene I wrote in the opposite AU, where Leia talks to Veeran about having lost her own twin. )

Yeah, I don’t really have the words to describe how awful this is either.

The inferiority/superiority complex is real.

Veeran is such a mess of anger and resentment and self-hatred here; he's like the main 'verse version of himself amped up to eleven, and stripped of whatever safety net his coping mechanisms afforded him. He's arguably his worst self here; this is the fate Dorian was trying to save him from all those years ago, even if he couldn't have consciously articulated it that way at the time.

lol I thought that part might surprise you

Again, it's always good to hear that my methods are effective.

Right?

That's good to hear, because I probably won't be leaving the angsty timeout corner anytime soon.

Aww, I'm honored that you think so! Thank you so much for this lovely review; as you know, I've got some more AU goodness coming right up, and then hopefully I'll have some belated Angstober ficlets to share over in FiOB soon!

@Pandora

It’s funny, when I first started writing this, I wasn’t exactly sure which twin was going to be which, so I kept the descriptions deliberately ambiguous. Of course, it only took me a few paragraphs before I decided on “good twin Dorian, evil twin Veeran,” but I liked how the second-person POV obscured who was narrating and decided to lean into that anyway. I did want it to be obvious upon reread who the Sith Lord was, though, so I went back and tweaked a few details, and I am pleased that you figured it out right away. I wondered if the twitching detail would feel like a cheat, given that it’s so very Festus, but honestly, it felt right for this version of Ferrus, who is probably even more messed up than his main incarnation.

Yes, exactly. And while the loss of his brother would have impacted him deeply regardless, it’s compounded by his prolonged torture at the doctor’s hands - a torture which, as Dorian once noted in the main universe, Veeran wasn’t capable of enduring in the same way that he himself did.

This might have been the aspect I was most interested to explore in this AU: whether or not Ferrus, who absolutely despises the doctor in the main stories, could have fallen under his sway the way Festus did. I’m also glad to know that his bragging came off just as disturbing as I envisioned it.

These are all very good observations, and I probably shouldn't say more than that for now.

More excellent thoughts; as another Sith Lord once said, "The circle is now complete."

I think it's safe to say you're right.

Thank you so much for taking the time to leave this awesome review! I'm thrilled that you enjoyed this story enough to come back to it, and always appreciate reading your insights and reactions.




And I finally have a new story to post in this thread! I'll have that up shortly.

 

Title: A Gentle Rage Becoming Wild
Timeframe: 52 to ? ABY (Sith Queen AU)
Genre: angst, dark romance

Summary: Allana becomes a queen, falls in love, and turns into both her parents.

Notes: This is my entry for the Angstmongers Anonymous 50 Sentences challenge; I chose to write for prompt set #4 (Sweetness & Fluff).

These sentences are also a continuation of the AU introduced in Vena Sera (part of my Angstober collection, Fire in Our Bones), in which Allana loses both her cousin Ben and her father in one deadly night, and Darth Festus helps her pick up the pieces.

(Title comes from the song "Awful Beast" by Ursine Vulpine & Annaca.)

---

A Gentle Rage Becoming Wild



Delight

The news of Darth Krayt’s defeat spreads to every corner of the galaxy, from the glittering bastions of civilization in the Core to the far-flung and ever wild reaches of the Outer Rim, and the name of his executioner is spoken with unfettered delight in hidden resistance bases and degenerate cesspools alike: Allana Djo, daughter of Light.



Jewel

“To coruscate means to sparkle,” she says thoughtfully, distantly, pressing her fingers to the clear-bright transparisteel, watching through a veil of mourning as endless lines of speeder traffic glitter in ignorant bliss under Coruscant’s star.



Radiance

She has ever been a warm, unfading light to his senses; even in the blackest depths of her grief and despair, Darth Festus finds that he can’t look away.



Lovely

It’s brutally unfair that she should wear her sorrow so well.



Ardor

Does she ever think about that first kiss, he wonders?



Laughter

What a stupid thing to hope for, the voice inside patiently mocks.



Content

Festus assures her that once she has the loyalty of Krayt’s most trusted lieutenants, the rest of the Sith will fall in line – so when Darth Satrus kneels before her and pledges his blade, she breathes a little easier.



Welcome

The foreign dignitaries are slower to bend the knee, but they are charmed nonetheless by the unassuming grace of their mysterious savior.



Golden

“They call it the throne of balance,” she says as she stands before the empty, gilded throne, shadowed as always by her self-appointed Sith protector, “and they want me to take it.”



Flourish

“No theatrical posturing,” Darth Satrus says in softly accented Basic, his words as clipped as his instruction, “and no wasted movements; the lightsaber is an extension of your own will, and you must waste no time in asserting that will over another’s in combat.”



Blessed

If we are to live under an autocrat, the people whisper, better a pleasant, pretty one, don’t you think?



Sunshine

The coronation is largely symbolic at this point, a formality of state, but it takes place on a clear day, without a single cloud to prevent sunlight from streaming into the black halls of the temple – a unity of light and dark, tenuously balanced.



Fortune

Who would have thought she’d end up right back where she started: a little girl playing queen on her parent’s throne.



Kiss

The first time she puts Festus on his back in training, the pure elation of victory over one who once bested her is overshadowed by, or perhaps intermingled with, the insatiable desire to claim his perfect panting lips.



Speak

I spend more time dreaming about imagined kisses than I do training or studying affairs of state, and I think about you all the time even though I know I shouldn’t, and I don’t know why I can’t tell you how I feel when I’m pretty sure you feel the same way…



Shimmer

It doesn’t help her resolve that the moonlight becomes him so.



Bliss

“Lord Festus,” Satrus says as he stares blandly down at him, “I’m starting to think you’re letting her beat you on purpose.”



Life

Darth Ferrus looks at his brother over the bodies of the fallen syndicate enforcers, and says in a dark tone: “Now there’s the killer I remember.”



Vivid

It’s simple, really – all it took was one unfortunate threat, a few words painting a picture of Allana’s abrupt and violent end, to snap him sharply into focus.



Tender

He told her once, back when this all began, that he couldn’t lose her; but as she takes in the sight of his blood-spattered clothes and his reckless nonchalance, she realizes with startled, aching certainty that she can’t lose him either, and her battered and weary heart beats anew.



Honest

It’s just a few little words – I need you, I want you, I think I might love you – but it changes everything.



Embrace

When she wakes the next morning, he is still there, and she sinks back into his arms, delighting in the warmth of his body and the way his breath flutters across her skin.



Spirited

As the queen moves through her warm-up exercises with unusual vigor, Satrus casts a sideways glance at Festus, noting the hungry way his eyes follow her – as if he needed further proof when it couldn’t be more obvious.



Caress

Even after months of clandestine meetings and more nights spent together than apart, she still finds herself taken aback by the softness of his touch.



Promise

“You gave the people of this galaxy your solemn word that you would be different from your forebears, that you would bring stability and peace and unification – and now the time has come for you to make good on that promise, Your Majesty.”



Intimacy

She doesn’t want to talk about what’s bothering her, but he can feel how serious it is in the way she clings to him; so he holds her as close as he can, until sleep takes them both.



Marry

“They’re saying she’ll have to choose someone from an influential system, like Kuat or Hapes or— don’t kriffing look at me like that, you had to know this couldn’t last.”



Home

“Of course he’s going to live here, where else do you expect the prince consort of the whole damn galaxy to live?”



Protect

“I told you I would stand by your side and keep you safe no matter what; you didn’t think a little thing like you marrying someone else would change that, did you?”



Flower

The tupisia bloom adorning her hair is exquisite – a flower whose two-toned petals appear more the painstaking work of an artist painting scarlet across snow-white silk in delicate, feathery strokes than the natural wonder she knows them to be – and for once, she smiles at her own reflection, imagining what he alone will think.



Renewal

They say it’s quite a statement the young queen made, attending her wedding with a retinue of Sith Lords, the black of their uniforms a sharp contrast to the groom’s golden silk brocade, and to Her Majesty’s own elaborate gown – equal parts deep red and purest white satin, no doubt modeled after the striking flower tucked in her copper-red hair – but despite the grim nature of her chosen attendants, the galaxy dares to hope.



Devotion

“You should know,” she murmurs as she removes the tupisia from her hair and offers it to him, “that the vows I spoke were meant only for you.”



Entwine

He stays with her that night, and all the nights after.



Dwell

Her Majesty’s consort sets up residence in another wing of the temple, far from her own, and the newlyweds see each other as often as they wish – which is to say, never.



Newborn

It hardly seems real; how could something so pure have come from him?



Gorgeous

All her attempts to imagine perfection pale next to this new, exquisite reality.



Divine

“By the sacred Will of the Force, we anoint and proclaim this child, Kyrian Djo, son of our Most Beloved and Exalted Queen Allana Djo, as Crown Prince of the Free Galaxy and heir to Her Majesty’s throne and power, long may she reign…”



Delicious

“I still can’t believe babies actually like this stuff,” Festus says as he uses his finger to wipe a dribble of mashed kibla greens from Kyrian’s chin.



Precious

She never tires of watching them fall asleep together; she wishes it could always be like this.



Irresistible

There’s no doubt in his mind that he has become the most shameful Sith Lord in the history of Sith Lords, the first to both willingly pick up a toddler and fly them through the air – but how could he possibly say no to those tiny outstretched arms?



Idyllic

Despite their purported attempts at privacy, images of the royal family’s month-long vacation on Chandrila are splashed all across the HoloNet; in particular, the young prince’s delightful adventures with his doting father – swimming in the Silver Sea, exploring verdant jungles, learning to ski on Mount Mon – garner the most admiration.



Wondrous

“Lord Festus, look what Papa bought me, isn’t it amazing?”



Safe

It’s safer this way, it’s safer this way, it’s safer this way…



Revere

“Your father is brave and true and stronger than he knows, and I love him for all those reasons and more… but most of all because he gave me you.”



Pure

A child’s love is uncomplicated and unashamed and wholehearted, and it cuts deepest of all.



Dream

“How ridiculous is it that I’m the absolute ruler of this galaxy, and I can’t even acknowledge my own son’s father?”



Angel

Ben, she whispers in a moment of weakness, seeking counsel from her ghosts, I don’t want to do this anymore.



Sweet

She runs her fingers through his hair, tipping his head over the back of the couch, and bends down to murmur in dulcet tones: “I promise, O husband mine, that the very instant you so much as breathe a word about my son’s paternity to anyone, I will destroy everything and everyone you hold dear.”



Darling

As she lies in her lover’s arms (lover is so inadequate a word for the man who holds her heart in every way), she gives voice to her most pervasive fear: “We can’t keep it hidden forever.”



Cherish

“Don’t worry, Princess,” he says as he gently strokes her hair, years of imagined violence flitting like shadows before his eyes, “I’ll take care of everything.”



Fin

~~

 

Yes, the chaos twins, Alana with child and happy together in just fifty sentences. A great way to show what has happened to them

 

Delicious! I love every vivid emotive sentence! This AU needs to be fleshed out because it's just too fascinating and compelling!

 

@earlybird-obi-wan

Thanks! This was only my second time using the fifty sentences format, but it was fun and ended up working well for an AU that appears in my head in vivid snapshots but doesn't have much in the way of plot. Thanks for reading!




@Findswoman

And here I am taking way too long to do replies!

So for the AUs where one twin is rescued by the Jedi and the other is not, I imagine them both branching off from the same event: the Jedi rescue mission to Yalena, when the twins are 11 years old. In the main timeline, the Jedi rescued several children but failed to save either twin. But since the twins were being held in separate locations in the Sith fortress, I imagine a slight change (taking a different route through the labyrinthine fortress, essentially) could have caused the Jedi to rescue one of them while failing to rescue the other. So in this reality, Dorian was saved while Veeran was left behind, and in another reality (depicted in a few of my other ficlets both here and in Fire in Our Bones), Veeran was saved while Dorian was left behind. If that makes sense. (I added a list of the various AUs to the index of this thread, which hopefully will help when trying to figure out which story goes where.)

But that really is the question I wanted to pose with this story: how would things have been different? Which parts of their personalities are "real" and which parts are a result of their unfortunate circumstances? Is there a way to truly know, and does it even matter? There aren't easy answers, and that's what I was going for here.

I consider the doctor's presence in Dorian's thoughts to be more a product of his own lingering trauma than anything else. Though the doctor may have been trying to reach him through the Force all these years (maybe; although with Veeran turning out to be a good replacement, maybe not?), Dorian has succeeded in keeping his mind locked down tight... but that doesn't keep his own memories out, or heal the mental/emotional scars Mezzon left behind. In this reality, Dorian was only captive for a little over a year before being rescued, so his trauma isn't quite as entrenched as it is in the main 'verse, but it's definitely still there.

Dorian would definitely argue against either label, but I certainly can't disagree with your assessment. That he can't see those qualities in himself only shows how deeply-rooted his own insecurities and trauma are... but even so, he's still going to try to protect the people he cares about, Veeran included.

Definitely the point! It was a fun challenge taking all those pleasant words and weaving a dark story that still had elements of beauty present in it. I'd seen the fifty sentences format in passing on places like ff.n, but it was Mira who got me to write a story like that for the first KR, so she definitely planted the seeds for me to use that style of prompt for the Angstmongers thread. (And judging by how your own fifty sentences turned out, you took to the challenge quite naturally yourself! )

I won't lie, it warmed my heart as well. And Kyrian is a precious little bebeh who does not deserve the messed up family dynamics that I keep saddling him with - though maybe that's par for the course when you're part of the Skywalker line.

Those are all excellent questions, and I hope to one day provide answers to them.

Thank you! The princess/guard romance trope is certainly a favorite of mine, so it was fun to play with that here. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story in this format, and thank you as always for your awesome review!




@WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

Thank you! I would love to expand on this story more some day, so it's very possible there will be more!




@Mira_Jade

I wouldn't have ever thought it possible I could come up with enough unique story in this AU to make a trilogy of novels worthwhile, but this comment wormed its way deep into my brain the moment I read it, and while I won't say it's likely to happen, I also won't rule out developing something a little meatier in this 'verse. You know, after I finish some of my other main 'verse projects.

Aw, thank you, my friend! I'm really happy with how they turned out, and even more thrilled that you enjoyed them so much!

And such a good song, too!

lolll

I wanted to give it that legendary feel for sure. Something to justify why the galaxy might believably hold Allana on a pedestal even as she surrounds herself with the dark remnants of her father's rule.

You know, I think I was actually channeling a bit of Padmé in TPM, staring out the window of that apartment on Coruscant as Jar Jar asks her if she thinks her people are going to die. A bit more daylight than twilight, but a similar vibe.

Why thank you

If only he knew

Welp, I failed to get this going for the Olympics last year. Maybe next time around?

*insert Leia "I know" gif here*

Not me taking a potshot at canon, nope, no sir

lololll

(and with my current KR ongoing, this feels more relevant than ever? )

Same (that'll be one of the less enjoyable things about expanding this AU, if I ever do - figuring out all the politics )

Aw yeah

And forever trapped by it

She's still so young here, Mira!

Allana appreciates the view.

(Poor Satrus )

You know me - any time I think I've painted Festus in a halfway decent light, I have to do a hard 180 to make sure we all know who we're dealing with here.

MY FAVORITE VIBES, MIRA

I DON'T KNOW BUT I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!

Satrus does not get paid enough to deal with these kids' hormones.

(does Satrus even get paid? hmm... )

It certainly might be

lolll I mean, there's no way Allana can keep up her benevolent empress routine if she marries a Sith Lord, right? (Never mind that she technically commands most of the remnants of the One Sith in this AU, and has a whole retinue of them in the palace, probably ) But yeah, a political marriage to stabilize her control? In addition to making sense, it's also a good way to keep up that forbidden romance angle.

(gosh I have so many details to figure out in this 'verse if I'm ever going to write more )

Ferrus keeping it real

I worried that this one would get a bit unwieldy for one sentence, so I'm glad it worked. I had an image of a flower like this as a background while I was working on this story, and the color scheme was so striking that it ended up infusing the entire wedding scene, and I was like, why not put the actual flower in there, too? If only I were an artist.

The galaxy has been through a lot

I don't know if I ever told you - and I haven't decided on this 100% anyway - but like, imagine Festus being positioned somewhere behind the groom during the wedding ceremony, and Allana basically looking over her husband-to-be's shoulder as she's saying her vows? It might be too unsubtle and I might not go that way, but it's a thought.

I'm going to have to figure out more about this prince consort guy one of these days.

You're welcome

I thought you would

Not inspired by real life experience at all

If only it were that simple

If hearing Kyrian call someone else "Papa" isn't a knife to the heart, I don't know what else is...

And when you think how poor little Kyrian has no clue...

YEP

(also, imagine Kyrian hanging out with Festus and Ferrus and it being like, SUPER OBVIOUS to everyone that he's related to them...)

(but also also, Allana's husband very possibly has black hair and blue eyes and there's definitely not a reason for that)

A not-so-gentle reminder that I killed Ben in this 'verse and that's why everything is awful

Lessons she learned among the Hapan elite, methinks... but helped along by her Sith mentor(s), certainly

Especially with how obvious it is, and how much more obvious it will become with each passing year. (And how increasingly discontent the prince consort is likely becoming with the arrangement.)

Thank you so much for this amazing line-by-line review, and I'm sorry it took so long to reply to it! I definitely want to write more in this AU one day; I don't know if it will reach epic trilogy length, but I'll do my best!




And now - because I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it and I did say in the very first post that I might include stories from the main Enter!verse every so often - I'm here with a poem inspired by one of the current KR prompts! That'll be up shortly!

 

Title: “Pain”
Timeframe: ambiguous; I was thinking sometime post-EtF, but it could be as early as TLotD, or really anytime in between
Genre: angst, introspection, poetry

Summary: The boy was good, once

Notes: I wrote this as a bonus entry for the current KR, but since it doesn't at all fit with my theme (different genre, different characters), I'm sticking it here. Inspired by the official week 9 prompt from the 2025 Kessel Run challenge, which was to write a found poem using the selected passages from the novelizations of Revenge of the Sith and Return of the Jedi as sources:

Spoiler: RotS passage

From Revenge of the Sith, by Matthew Stover:

---

This is how it feels to be Anakin Skywalker, forever:

The first dawn of light in your universe brings pain.

The light burns you. It will always burn you. Part of you will always lie upon black glass sand beside a lake of fire while flames chew upon your flesh.

You can hear yourself breathing. It comes hard, and harsh, and it scrapes nerves already raw, but you cannot stop it. You can never stop it. You cannot even slow it down.

You don’t even have lungs anymore.

Mechanisms hardwired into your chest breathe for you. They will pump oxygen into your bloodstream forever.

Lord Vader? Lord Vader, can you hear me?

And you can’t, not in the way you once did. Sensors in the shell that prisons your head trickle meaning directly into your brain.

You open your scorched-pale eyes; optical sensors integrate light and shadow into a hideous simulacrum of the world around you.

Or perhaps the simulacrum is perfect, and it is the world that is hideous.

Padmé? Are you here? Are you all right? you try to say, but another voice speaks for you, out from the vocabulator that serves you for burned-away lips and tongue and throat.

“Padmé? Are you here? Are you all right?”

I’m very sorry, Lord Vader. I’m afraid she died. It seems in your anger, you killed her.

This burns hotter than the lava had.

“No . . . no, it is not possible!”

You loved her. You will always love her. You could never will her death.

Never.

But you remember . . .

You remember all of it.

You remember the dragon you brought Vader forth from your heart to slay. You remember the cold venom in Vader’s blood. You remember the furnace of Vader’s fury, and the black hatred of seizing her throat to silence her lying mouth—

And there is one blazing moment in which you finally understand that there was no dragon. That there was no Vader. That there was only you. Only Anakin Skywalker.

That it was all you. Is you.

Only you.

You did it.

You killed her.

You killed her because, finally, when you could have saved her, when you could have gone away with her, when you could have been thinking about her, you were thinking about yourself . . .

It is in this blazing moment that you finally understand the trap of the dark side, the final cruelty of the Sith—

Because now your self is all you will ever have.

And you rage and scream and reach through the Force to crush the shadow who has destroyed you, but you are so far less now than what you were, you are more than half machine, you are like a painter gone blind, a composer gone deaf, you can remember where the power was but the power you can touch is only a memory, and so with all your world-destroying fury it is only droids around you that implode, and equipment, and the table on which you were strapped shatters, and in the end, you cannot touch the shadow.

In the end, you do not even want to.

In the end, the shadow is all you have left.

Because the shadow understands you, the shadow forgives you, the shadow gathers you unto itself—

And within your furnace heart, you burn in your own flame.

This is how it feels to be Anakin Skywalker.

Forever . . .

Spoiler: RotJ passage

From Return of the Jedi, by James Kahn:

---

Luke was afraid. Afraid to see his father as he really was. Afraid to see what person could have become so dark—the same person who’d fathered Luke, and Leia. Afraid to know the Anakin Skywalker who lived inside Darth Vader.

Vader, too, was afraid—to let his son see him, to remove this armored mask that had been between them so long. The black, armored mask that had been his only means of existing for over twenty years. It had been his voice, and his breath, and his invisibility—his shield against all human contact. But now he would remove it; for he would see his son before he died.

Together they lifted the heavy helmet from Vader’s head—inside the mask portion, a complicated breathing apparatus had to be disentangled, a speaking modulator and view-screen detached from the power unit in back. But when the mask was finally off and set aside, Luke gazed on his father’s face.

It was the sad, benign face of an old man. Bald, beardless, with a mighty scar running from the top of his head to the back of his scalp, he had unfocused, deepset, dark eyes, and his skin was pasty white, for it had not seen the sun in two decades. The old man smiled weakly; tears glazed his eyes, now. For a moment, he looked not unlike Ben.

It was a face full of meanings, that Luke would forever recall. Regret, he saw most plainly. And shame. Memories could be seen flashing across it . . . memories of rich times. And horrors. And love, too.

It was a face that hadn’t touched the world in a lifetime. In Luke’s lifetime. He saw the wizened nostrils twitch, as they tested a first, tentative smell. He saw the head tilt imperceptibly to listen—for the first time without electronic auditory amplification. Luke felt a pang of remorse that the only sounds now to be heard were those of explosions, the only smells, the pungent sting of electrical fires. Still, it was a touch. Palpable, unfiltered.

He saw the old eyes focus on him. Tears burned Luke’s cheeks, fell on his father’s lips. His father smiled at the taste.

It was a face that hadn’t seen itself in twenty years.

Vader saw his son crying, and knew it must have been at the horror of the face the boy beheld.

It intensified, momentarily, Vader’s own sense of anguish—to his crimes, now, he added guilt at the imagined repugnance of his appearance. But then this brought him to mind of the way he used to look—striking, and grand, with a wry tilt to his brow that hinted of invincibility and took in all of life with a wink. Yes, that was how he’d looked once.

And this memory brought a wave of other memories with it. Memories of brotherhood, and home. His dear wife. The freedom of deep space. Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan, his friend . . . and how that friendship had turned. Turned, he knew not how—but got injected, nonetheless, with some uncaring virulence that festered, until . . . hold. These were memories he wanted none of, not now. Memories of molten lava, crawling up his back . . . no.

This boy had pulled him from the pit—here, now, with this act. This boy was good.

The boy was good, and the boy had come from him—so there must have been good in him, too. He smiled up again at his son, and for the first time, loved him. And for the first time in many long years, loved himself again, as well.

---

This poem is meant to fit in the main Enter!verse, though it can certainly apply to several (if not most) of the other Enter!verse AUs.

---

“Pain”



Your universe brings pain.

It comes hard
and it comes harsh

burns, scrapes, tears

The world around you
shatters
into a hideous simulacrum
light and shadow
palpable, unfiltered
black glass sand
and scorched-pale eyes

All you have left is
memories of brotherhood
and the table on which you were strapped
the old man
his voice
his breath
his deepset, dark eyes

A face full of meanings.

I’m very sorry
a complicated apparatus had to be disentangled.

Can you hear me?

Yes, your universe brings pain
and all you have left is
anguish
horror
shame

the boy was good, once

Your mind is a complicated apparatus
the table
your only means of existing
cold venom within your furnace heart
injected with uncaring virulence

the shadow gathers you unto itself

You remember all of it
You can never stop
and you scream
seizing
because you finally understand:

It was all you.

It was always you.

You, with all your world-destroying fury
your rage
your power
your cruelty
your lying mouth

All you have left is yourself
and yourself is all you will never have

part of you will always lie upon the table

This is the trap of the dark side.

It comes hard
and it comes harsh

Light and shadow
this hideous world
his voice
his eyes
yourself

the boy was good

the boy was good, and you killed him

You will always lie
You can never stop

Your universe brings pain.

Forever.


~~

 

A poor tortured man. Made so by that wicked experimenter. A magnificent found poem to describe him

 

Thank you!! I couldn't resist the urge to write for this particular prompt, and I enjoyed shaping my found poem to fit Festus and his experiences. Even if it was terrible and sad.