A Child's Treasury Of Rude Songs

This . . . my aunt taught me; I was probably eight. Lord, I think my family had problems.
(Had to approximate some of the lyrics--it's been a while)

******

I'm a juvenile delinquent
Sittin' on the corner 'till the pickup comes
Oh, I'm a juvenile delinquent
Smokin' with the sailors, and drinkin' with the bums.

I'll never go home again
My mother hates me
Never go home again
My daddy beats me

And then there's Grandma--swingin' on the outhouse door
Without a nightie
Grandpa's ninety, but Grandma's only twenty-four

*****

 

That is how we pronounced it when we sang it (though not normally how we'd pronounce it).

Still, no matter how you pronounce "egg", "wreck" is a really awkward word to end a song with

ophelia, that is the most dysfunctional damn song I have ever heard.

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

QFT.

Ending on a vowel sound makes it easy to stretch out into a big finale. How do you stretch out a "K" sound?

Wreck???

Come on now.

 

I'm wondering when someone will post the diarrhea song.

 

I forget the first verse, otherwise I would.

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

I hate you, you hate me,
We're a crappy family
with a ______ and a ______ from me to you,
Won't you say you hate me too.

I can't remember what went in the blanks. Also I remember it as the joker getting away, and everyday on the school bus the teacher would lose her head down a toilet in song. I also remember the "deck the halls with gasoline," that arrived ever Christmas.

Did anyone else have the acronym questions?

eg. Are you pt?
yes--omg, you're a pregnant teenager?
no--holy **** you aren't potty trained.

Those really annoyed me, because they wouldn't leave you alone until you answered and they wouldn't tell you what it meant. Then no matter what you chose they would screech in laughter causing much pain, I'm getting a headache thinking about it.

 

If you're walking downtown and you see something brown
Diarrhea, Oh Diarrhea
If you're sitting on a bench and you need a monkey wrench
Diarrhea, Oh Diarrhea


It was something to that effect, yeah?

 

I know that one as:

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me
I think I'll go and eat worms.
Short fat hairy ones, long thin slimy ones,
See how the wriggle and squirm!

Now the long thing slimy ones go down easily,
But the short fat hairy ones get stuck *cough*cough*
So you bite of their head and pull out the bones
And slurp up the juice like this *slurp*

 

I'd post it, but I can't remember second base.

 

Really, it's only marginally worse than this one, which I recall my mother quite painstakingly teaching me at about age three (I'm still not too sure I got the words right):

****

Oh, Mr. Johnny Rebeck, how could you be so mean?
I told you you'd be sorry for inventing that machine.
Now all the neighbors' cats and dogs will never more be seen
They've all been ground to sausages in Johnny Rebeck's machine.

One day a boy came walking, came walking through the door
He bought a pound of sausages and laid them on the floor.
The boy began to whistle, he whistled a lively tune
And all the little sausages went dancing 'round the room.

 

Nah, that one just teaches you about the joys of the meat-packing industry. It's like The Jungle in a song

The other one will just make you have to see a social worker if you sing it at school.

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

Perhaps so. Perhaps I just found the sausage-making song so disturbing because I learned it at three. By the time I learned the "drinking with the bums" song I was in grade school and beyond redemption. To this day, it fills me with a kind of evil glee.

Oh--and for the record, I only ever heard the "Batman" song ending with "the Joker got away. Yayy!!" Not very creative. We also sang the "Deck the halls with gasoline" song almost exactly like you did in MO. Ditto with the one about "teacher hit me with a ruler"--ours just ended with, "I hid behind the door / With a loaded .44 / And she don't teach no more." (I guess crappy grammar is the price you pay for shooting your teacher.)

Weird how songs like that can remain intact across so much time and distance. Except maybe for "Nobody likes me," I've never heard any of these things recorded, and the common ones were not taught to me by adults. They just seem to travel from school bus to school bus across the country. Very strange.

It's also becoming clear that I know way too many awful songs, most of which were taught to me by relatives. This might explain a lot, really. I'll post one more and then I've got to quit this and go to bed.

This lovely gem is courtesy of my cousin. It goes to "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic." You just drop the last word off the end of each verse, like you do with B-I-N-G-O, only the results are infinitely worse.

****

"Oh, Lord Butley"

Oh, Lord Butley please do not touch me
Oh, Lord Butley please do not touch me
Oh, Lord Butley please do not touch me
As we lie beneath the pearly-white sheets with nothing on at all.

Oh, Lord Butley please do not touch _____
Oh, Lord Butley please do not touch _____
Oh, Lord Butley please do not touch _____
As we lie beneath the pearly-white sheets with nothing on at all.

Oh, Lord Butley please do not _____ _____
Oh, Lord Butley please do not _____ _____
Oh, Lord Butley please do not _____ _____
As we lie beneath the pearly-white sheets with nothing on at all.


Oh, Lord Butley please do _____ _____ _____
Oh, Lord Butley please do _____ _____ _____
Oh, Lord Butley please do _____ _____ _____
As we lie beneath the pearly-white sheets with nothing on at all.

Oh, Lord Butley please _____ _____ _____ _____
Oh, Lord Butley please _____ _____ _____ _____
Oh, Lord Butley please _____ _____ _____ _____
As we lie beneath the pearly-white sheets with nothing on at all.

Oh, Lord Butley _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
Oh, Lord Butley _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
Oh, Lord Butley _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
As we lie beneath the pearly-white sheets with nothing on at all.

Oh, Lord _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
Oh, Lord _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
Oh, Lord _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
As we lie beneath the pearly-white sheets with nothing on at all.

Oh _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
Oh _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
Oh _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____
As we lie beneath the pearly-white sheets with nothing on at all.

****

<Yakko Warner> Aaaand goodnight, everybody! </Yakko Warner>

 

Not rude, but infinitely horrifying to any parent:

This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends,
yes it goes on and on my friend.
Some people, started singing it,
not knowing what is was,
and they'll continue singing it forever just because...ad infinitum.

I can't wait to teach that to my nephew.

 

I hate you, you hate me,
Let's go on a killing spree,
With a great big gun and a shot to Barney's head,
Hip hooray now Barney's dead.

Made that one up myself at the age of 6, I think.

 

We sang this one slightly differently:
On top of Old Smokey
All covered with sand
I shot my poor teacher
with a red rubber band

I shot her with pleasure
I shot her with pride
I couldn't have missed her
She was 40 feet wide.

I went to her funeral
I went to her grave
Some people threw flowers
But I threw grenades.

Then there was:
I hate you, you hate me
Let's get together and kill Barney
With a great big gun and a load of 44*
No more purple dinosaur

We alternated between that and:
With an ax in his back
And he falls to the floor.

 

Only one I can remember (most British ones are more sex-based than violence based):

Celery, Celery,
If she doesn't come
I'll tickle her bum
With a lump of celery!

Repeat.

 

The Lord Butley song is hilarious!

 

Hi ho, hi ho
Its off to school we go
With razor blades and hand grenades
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho

Hi ho, hi ho,
Its off to home we go
with razor cuts and splattered cuts
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho

I learned that one in 2nd grade. In todays world you would get put sent to the office for sure if you sang this.

 

That one's my favorite.



Then in 3rd or 4th grade I learned this little ditty:

Down by the banks of the Hanky Pank
Where the bullfrogs jump from bank to bank
Singin' hip hop hip hop
Skittle dittle turtle pop

I pledge alliegence to the flag
Michael Jackson is a ***

and there was stuff about coke and drinking gasoline that I cannot remember.

 

Rudolph the red-nosed Cowboy
Had a very shiny gun,
And if you ever saw it,
You would turn around and run.
All of the other cowboys
Used to laugh and call him names,
They would never let poor Rudolph
Join in any cowboy games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
The sheriff came to say,
"Rudolph with your gun so bright,
Won't you shoot my wife tonight?"
And then how the cowboys loved him
As they shouted out with glee,
"Rudolph the red-nosed cowboy,
You'll go down his history!"

We used to sing that at school, until we were stopped.

 

I was wondering what children around the world sang to annoy their parents. So far, we've had mostly American rude songs. Speaking of which:

****

(To "This Land Is Your Land")

This land ain't your land
This land is my land
I got a shotgun
And you don't got one
I'll blow your head off
If you don't get off
This land was made for only me.

****

(To "God Bless America")

God bless my underwear
My only pair!
From the washer
To the dryer
To the clothesline way up high!

****

Those are genuine school bus songs--not stuff that came from my sick-in-the-head relatives. That last one was traditionally followed up by "Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends," but that's song's just silly. We'd need references to homicide, underwear, or barely-disguised curse words for it to be truly rude.

This, on the other hand . . .

My cousin. 'Nuff said.

****

Miss Lucy had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
Miss Lucy went to heaven
The steamboat went to hell-
O operater, please give me number nine
And if you disconnect me
I'll kick you right behind
The 'frigerator there was a piece of glass
Miss Lucy slipped upon it
And broke her little as-
k me no more questions
I'll tell you no more lies
Miss Lucy told me all of this
The day before she died
Her hair in purple
And then she dyed it pink
And then she dyed it polka-dot
And washed it down the sink.

****

No idea what the tune to that last one is called--same one as the much-cleaner "Miss Lucy had a baby."

ETA:

Oh, that's evil. I love it.

I dimly recall hearing a variation of that one at school, but all I can remember is a fragmented version. It cut off before the contract murder part.

 

My name is Paco
And I sell Taco
I make a dollar a day
Her name is Lucy
She give me *****
I throw my dollar away

Under the cherry tree
I ask what she give to me
It's big and black
It's got a big crack
And she asked to do it with me

So I took out my hairy banana
And stuck it in the hole
She let out a scream
And I felt whipped cream
And that's what I did today

I learned this from my older brother when I was 8, 9, or 10, I believe, in Northern Virginia, though I don't know where he learned it from

 

There goes (name)
strollin' off to Delaware
chewing on their underwear
couldn't find a cleaner pair
ten days later
eaten by a polar bear
that was the end of (name)

I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves.
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,and this is how it goes... (repeat)
Florida, 4th or 5th grade

 

My mother's Japanese (make eyes slant one way)
My father's Chinese (make eyes slant other way)
I am Swiss Cheese (One eye slants one way, one eye slants the other way)

Ah, racism. Not really a song, but I learned this as a small child, anyway.

 

Wow, that Lord Butley one is... wow

I loved the 'polar bear' one. We sang it the way the first person mentioned.

Our "Miss Lucy" song ended like this-

And broke her little as-
k me no more questions
I'll tell you no more lies
Boys are in the bathroom
zipping up their-
flies are in the city
bees are in the park
Miss Lucy and her boyfriend
are kissing in the-
D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K
Dark, Dark
Dark is like the movies
Movie's like the show
please ask me no more questions
for that is all I know
know know I
know I know your mother
I know I know your pa
I know I know your sister
with the 40 metre bra

-sj loves kevin spacey